US Army to Attack Climate Change

COLUMBUS, GA – Here at Fort Benning, they take their opponents seriously.  That opposition has taken many forms over the years as the soldiers here have been asked to fight enemies around the world.  Following a command last year from Congress, they now have a new enemy: climate change.

The Pentagon’s 2010 planning document, the Quadrennial Defense Review, is to include resurgent global temperatures as one of the top priorities for the US Armed Services.

Army Commanders, although puzzled by orders to prepare for an attack by the world’s weather, have undertaken to be ready.  An unnamed representative for the 75th Ranger Regiment said “The Army has been shifting funds to create anti-CO2 weapons and armaments. We’ve received a few prototypes here, but at this point we’re trying to come up with tactics on how to attack CO2 and defend against it. It is an elusive enemy that you cannot see or hear, and it is everywhere.  We’ve really got our work cut out for us.”