December 9, 2009

New Military Specialty Dots 'i's, Crosses 't's

LEAVENWORTH, KS -- The US Military has released information about the new Military Occupational Specialty "Combat Bureaucrat".  The purpose of the position is to ensure that soldiers adhere to the long list of requirements and regulations while operating in a combat zone.

The US Army's Associate Vice Assistant to the Deputy Director of Bureaucracy and Environmental Considerations, James Blather, spoke with The Hell Gazette about the new job and how it will aid the military in the current conflicts.  "When a unit plans an operation currently, there are reams of paperwork, long lists of approvals, and all sorts of other considerations.  Environmental protection, endangered plants and animals, protection of civilians, protection of enemy combatants, protection of the troops themselves - these are some of the issues confronted by the typical US soldier when he wants to attack the enemy.  These things usually trump winning the war or battle, but the folks in the field or on the ground don't always get that.  The Army's decision to assign a Combat Bureaucrat to each Company will greatly assist the units in planning and logistics.  When he's not on break."

Combat Bureacrats will be deployed with all the equipment they need: a clipboard with full cartridge of 12 ballpoint pens, laptop computer and approximately 23 lbs of regulations, processes, and forms.  A Standard Issue Comfy Chair is optional, but recommended.

Mr. Blather provided his vision for the future, "The US Army's effectiveness is often measured not by the number of enemy killed or captured, but by how nice they are to everyone and everything around them.  If each soldier during combat had his or her own personal Combat Bureaucrat to help them with the paperwork when they need to make a decision, we would be even closer to meeting those expectations.  Unfortunately, you go to war with the bureaucracy you have, not the bureaucracy you'd like.  It is something we're working towards, though."

He feels strongly this move will also help the US in its standing with the rest of the world, "It is to our credit that we as a nation are working to replace the chaos and unpredictability of combat with something a lot easier to look at.  If we lose a war or two because of it, I think it is a small price to pay - at least we as a nation will be able to sleep at night."

No comments:

Post a Comment