December 30, 2009

Dr. Phil Asked to Take 911 Calls

NASHVILLE, TN -- The head of the Fraternal Order of Police has officially requested that Dr. Phil McGraw, a popular former psychologist and talk show host, start taking calls from some 911 callers.  Citing recent cases of spurious 911 calls in Texas and Massachusetts, the organization is concerned that many people expect the police to handle non-emergencies which have traditionally been worked out on daytime television.

The plan advocates directing "certain" callers to Dr. Phil for remediation and is estimated to save hundreds of lives and millions of dollars annually as police call centers and officers are used more effectively.  An additional, related proposal involves offloading some civil cases to Judge Judy.

December 29, 2009

World's Poor Want Capitalist Exploitation - Researchers Baffled

PRINCETON, NJ - After years of extensive field research, two college professors at Princeton are planning to release their stunning findings: the poor in nearly every country want the capitalist system that has produced such carnage in the US.

In 2007, Dr. Raymond Finkel and Dr. Lois Einhorn, both faculty members in Princeton's Anthropology Department, were given a 3-year, $5M grant to study the causes of poverty in the world.  "The obvious answer was that poverty was caused by not having money.  However, we wanted to dig deeper." says Dr. Einhorn.  Dig deeper they did, by flying around the world and interviewing some of the poorest citizens of Africa, South America, and Asia.  These impovershed families gave an answer that shocked and baffled the researchers: they actually wanted American capitalism.

"All of our academic training has convinced us that capitalism - actually, the US in general - is a broken system.  It is elitist.  It is racist.  It is unfair.  But these poor, uneducated people actually thought it was a great system." explains Dr. Finkel.  He went on to list the numerous findings.  "They thought stable and inexpensive energy sources were important - coal, gasoline, fuel oil, and electrical power.  We couldn't make them understand how the private companies behind these things were making obscene profits, and how unjust that was.  Many feared enslavement from armed bands that roamed and pillaged at will.  I tried - vainly - to explain how businesses practically enslave people when they hire them as workers."

Dr. Einhorn scoffed as she related some of their concerns about lack of medicines and vaccines, "I've seen the documentaries.  I know that many Americans disagree that we have it so great.  When I tried to explain to these misguided people how bad the US system is and how they did not want those insurance companies and big pharma controlling their health care, they didn't get it.  They just wouldn't listen to reason."

Nearly everyone they interviewed expressed a desire to live in the US, which also was a surprise.  "Everyone we talked to said they'd love to live in a McMansion, drive a Hummer, and shop at 'big box' stores or even Walmart, after we explained what these things were."

Dr. Finkel was especially concerned that even the more educated people - "ones who should know better" - thought capitalism was a great idea.  "They would often refer to it as a 'meritocracy'.  We've asked for additional funding to figure out what that is."

December 27, 2009

D.C. Fashion Maven Makes 2010 Predictions


WASHINGTON, DC -- Fashionista Gina "China" D'Angelo has for years correctly predicted what was going to be popular with the Washington Press Corps.  In late December of every year, she publishes her much-anticipated predictions for the next year as a list called "What's In / What's Out in DC".

It was she who correctly predicted that the Iraq War would go from "overwhelmingly popular" to "quagmire" in the press around 2004.  She spotted the trend away from the praise of "bi-partisanship" the last few years to the "bitter divides" this past year as some in government started blaming their "principles" for not helping out on health care reform.  "Disenfranchised voters" went from major stories in 2000 and 2004 to nary a peep in 2008 - again, she called it.

Reporters in Washington and many cable news anchors watch her predictions closely to make sure they are keeping up with the latest styles.  Does this scrutiny make her worry that perhaps one year she'll get it wrong?  She playfully tosses her head, "I haven't gotten it wrong yet.  To some folks it might be baffling how I'm almost always correct about this stuff, but I've noticed an overall trend that makes it easy for me to make these predictions."

December 26, 2009

Readers Write: Spend Your Way Out of Debt

Dear Hell Gazette,

I am a longtime ACORN employee who was let go this summer after 7 years of faithful service.  I couldn't find a job and was having a hard time making ends meet.  It seems "voter registration expert" isn't something very many companies need right now.

I am writing to let other out-of-work people know about something that has helped me and may help them, too.  President Obama's bold idea that we as a nation must "spend our way out of recession" is something that I've been trying at a personal level by attempting to spend my way out of debt.

So far the results are outstanding!  I have new TVs, new appliances, 3 snowmobiles, a new car (thanks, Cash For Clunkers!), and the kids had bunches of toys under the tree this year.  It works so well that some days I almost feel like I still have a job.  I wanted to let everyone know that Mr. Obama's idea works and they should try it, too.  What is true for the country is certainly true for every household in America, too.

Sincerely,
Clive Mively (Greenville, Maine)

December 25, 2009

Christmas Greetings

MERRY CHRISTMAS

from all of us at the Hell Gazette!

December 24, 2009

Sen. Boxer Spearheads New Whistleblower Policy

WASHINGTON, DC -- During the Enron scandal, Senator Barbara Boxer was as vocal as any that whistleblowers should be protected and those that destroy evidence should be punished.  In a remarkable change of heart, however, she now feels it is the government's responsibility to investigate those that blow the whistle on corruption and dishonest behavior.  The move echoes established policy in some major world powers.

Senator Boxer has called for an investigation and possible prosecution of the turncoat who released the emails and software source code from University of East Anglia's Climate Research Unit, which proves the group destroyed raw data and falsified climate change findings.  Media outlets have occasionally called this theft of information from a respected research organization "Climate-gate", when they have time to report about it.

"We just got the whole concept wrong - whistleblowers are the ones who should be punished.  Organizations that try to defraud or deceive the public are the ones who should be protected - they are the victims here.  That is why I'm going to call for the repeal of SarbOx", she said, referring to the Sarbanes-Oxley regulatory bill that was passed after accounting firm Arthur Andersen was found to have shredded proof of wrong-doing at Enron corporation.  This legislation added a complex and costly regulatory burden to all US companies but has successfully kept financial markets honest and the US economy strong since its passage in 2002.

December 23, 2009

Tea Party Protests Blamed on Dark Energy

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Researchers have linked "dark energy", the mysterious substance that scientists believe is causing the universe to expand faster than expected, to the recent phenomenon of Tea Party protests.

The Tea Parties have occurred spontaneously every couple months in different parts of the US, and involve thousands or tens of thousands of ordinary citizens who don't have time to demonstrate against unpopular policies because of other responsibilities, such as work and family.  At a recent Tea Party in Washington, DC, an unnamed protestor talked about the odd circumstances involved in their protesting experience, "A strange force suddenly compelled me to take to the streets and speak out against our immense, incompetent government and its horrid policies.  I didn't want to do it.  I have better things to do than come shiver out here at the steps of the Capital, holding a sign and chanting.  However, I was forced to come!  ...I was forced to come."

The Hell Gazette interviewed several protestors at a recent rally against the massive Health Care Bill making its way through the legislature and found the same answer: an inexplicable force was drawing these busy, productive people out of their homes and causing them to make vocal, public protests.

Dr. Phillip Morrison, Head of Research at Mount Wilson Observatory, is concerned about the power of the protests, "We theorize that eventually dark energy will tear the universe apart, as opposing forces refuse to yield to its will.  We can only hope that doesn't happen with the Federal Government."

December 22, 2009

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Missing Constitutional Rights Found

WASHINGTON, DC -- Janitors at the Library of Congress have discovered text originally intended to be included in the US Bill of Rights, but misplaced in 1789.  These documents eerily presage some modern arguments for additional privileges guaranteed by the Constitution.

In faded parchment apparently lost by a courier, several rights beyond the famous ten were envisaged.  The rights are continued starting at thirteen because of two failed amendments that were not included in the final Bill of Rights.
  • Travelers Rights "Article the Thirteenth... No person undertaking travel shall be unduly inconvenienced or kept within the confines of coach or buggy whilst bills of lading or other administrative duties are executed, lest such persons shall become hungry or peevish."
  • Patients Rights "Article the Fourteenth.... No person shall be made to pay more than a reasonable amount for services regarding one's health and welfare, or if indigent to pay nothing at all; no person shall be denied services for any general or acute ailment, regardless of personal liability due to neglect or ill-advised personal habits; no person shall be made to feel embarrassment from any physician as a result of interview or examination."
  • Welfare Rights "Article the Fifteenth.... No person shall be lacking in housing, means of communication, entertainment, food, or discretionary funds as long as the general body of citizenry are able to provide means to enable these furnishings; and by so transferring the fruits of labor from one to another shall the further equity of all be recompensed."
  • Unemployment Rights "Article the Sixteenth.. If a person desires to work but lacks either initiative or attitude to secure such employment, Congress shall ensure education, transportation and funds be provided to such persons by their neighbors."
  • Right to No Offense "Article the Seventeenth..... No person shall be made to hear utterances or statements that they shall find offensive, unless they are intended to demean or dishonor a particular religious establishment."
Historians have long puzzled over correspondence between several of the Founding Fathers which alludes to additional "lost" rights, and this discovery appears to solve the mystery.  Other letters which were found in the basement of the Library of Congress indicate that a messenger lost the second sheet sent to a printer to create copies for each state, pending ratification.  The embryonic and minimally staffed government was too exhausted to try to recreate the second sheet and decided to only send the rights listed on the first page.  Thomas Jefferson's forthright note to the printing house makes this intent clear, "The ten rights enumerated in the first page shall suffice as the populace requires nothing more, nor the government in truths should supply."

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December 21, 2009

Acid Oceans Theory Mired in Copyright Issues

SAN FRANSISCO, CA – The main theorist behind the Climate Change-related theory of Acid Oceans, Dr. Peter Leech, is being sued by 20th Century Fox for his alleged copyright infringement of the science fiction movie “Alien Nation”.

The Acid Oceans issue - outlined in a UN report and recently discussed at the Climate Change Conference - describes carbon emissions as not only turning the globe into a veritable pressure-cooker, but also increasing carbonic acid in the world’s oceans, making them unlivable for all manner of lovable, photogenic sea creatures. 20th Century Fox has filed suit against Dr. Leech, charging that the idea comes from their 1988 film involving aliens coming to earth whose body chemistry makes saltwater an extremely corrosive substance.

Dr. Leech, author of both “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Getting Government Grants in Climate Change Research” (2003) and the older “Singin’ in the Acid Rain: A Global Catastrophe Is Coming” (1982), denies the charges but has refused to speak to the press about the issue.  The legal challenges don't involve his UN-sponsored scientific work, but his upcoming book entitled “Acid Oceans: The Next Crisis for Mankind.”

December 19, 2009

Clown Mulls Run After Franken’s 08 Win


LUDLOW, VT – Bonzo the Clown and Sniffy the Mime could be our next Senators from Vermont and Texas, if the Association of Comic Performers (ACP) gets its way.  Following the successful bid for congress by former comic Al Franken last year, the Vermont-based organization is trying to get members to consider running for national office.

Bonzo, who used to head the “Bells, Buttons, and Horns” committee within the ACP, was tapped to lead the newly formed “Federal Elections” committee instead.  He outlined the reasons behind this unusual effort, “We don’t think the interests of Comic Performers are being taken seriously at the national level in this country.  In addition, we felt we could improve the Senate’s standing with the electorate.”  Congressional approval ratings have hovered near 20 percent for the past few years, despite efforts to improve them by redistributing wealth and increasing regulation.

So far only Bonzo and Sniffy have signed on to run in the 2010 midterm elections.  Bonzo hopes more will sign up, as the fundraising and campaigning seasons begin to ramp up.  He sees it as a chance for professional funnymen and women to serve their country and grow their comic career, “Franken is primarily known for making a mockery of something by pretending to be whatever it is, but acting in a buffoonish, ridiculous way.  Playing a therapy-addicted therapist, for example.  As a US Senator, he’s doing some of his best farcical work right now.”

When asked about his prospects and the rumors that powerful forces throughout the country are opposing his bid, Bonzo's painted-on smile droops a little, “I guess some folks think we have enough clowns in government already.”

December 18, 2009

US Army to Attack Climate Change

COLUMBUS, GA – Here at Fort Benning, they take their opponents seriously.  That opposition has taken many forms over the years as the soldiers here have been asked to fight enemies around the world.  Following a command last year from Congress, they now have a new enemy: climate change.

The Pentagon’s 2010 planning document, the Quadrennial Defense Review, is to include resurgent global temperatures as one of the top priorities for the US Armed Services.

Army Commanders, although puzzled by orders to prepare for an attack by the world’s weather, have undertaken to be ready.  An unnamed representative for the 75th Ranger Regiment said “The Army has been shifting funds to create anti-CO2 weapons and armaments. We’ve received a few prototypes here, but at this point we’re trying to come up with tactics on how to attack CO2 and defend against it. It is an elusive enemy that you cannot see or hear, and it is everywhere.  We’ve really got our work cut out for us.”

London Investigates Agent Over Abuse

LONDON, ENGLAND – Her Majesty's Attorney General for England and Wales has decided to investigate an employee of the British Secret Service, Agent Austin D. Powers, amid allegations he tortured captives during Operation Bigglesworth in 1997.  The move follows an example set by the US Attorney General to re-investigate interrogation activities of CIA agents.  Criminal charges may result, depending on what is found.

Baroness Scotland of Asthal’s spokesperson stated that the Attorney General will investigate whether one suspect, well-known criminal mastermind Dr. Evil, was subject to “enhanced interrogation techniques” to divulge the details of his plan to put a large laser on the moon and use it to blackmail the United Nations.

December 17, 2009

Terrorists Look Forward to Cable, Better Amenities in Illinois

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA -- President Obama announced this week that 100 detainees from the Guantanamo Bay detention facility will be transferred to Thomson Correctional Center in Illinois.  The Hell Gazette was given permission to interview Saudi Arabian-born Al Qaeda operative Mohammed El Kiboum to get the prisoner’s perspective on the move.

HG: Will the move to Illinois be an improvement over Guantanamo Bay, do you think?
El Kiboum: Yes, I do. We’ve heard the Great Satan’s facility has cable and a better weight room. I’m way behind on watching my shows, especially Dr. Arifi’s marriage advice show, which you can’t get here at all. With this long captivity, I find I'm forgetting some things, like the proper way to beat my wives according to Islamic teachings.
HG: The workout room here is pretty bad?
El Kiboum: Well, I don’t want to look a gift camel in the mouth - the equipment was donated by the ACLU - but some of the stuff is a little shabby and it never gets cleaned by the infidels.  For example, the elliptical machine’s display is broken, so I’ve had to use the treadmill lately, which I don’t like.  I read the Koran while I work out - praise be to Allah - and the treadmill bounces around too much.
HG: Do you think the prisoners will continue to throw feces at their guards when you get to Illinois?
El Kiboum: Probably.  We all wage Jihad in our own way: some with money, some with weapons, some with their excrement.  I’ve been waging Jihad by boycotting all candies that contain caramel.
HG: Can you comment about the allegations of torture here?
El Kiboum: Well, they made me take a dental exam, which I’d never had before - by Allah that was torture!  Other than that, I think the infidels deliberately delay some of my magazine subscriptions.  I’ve alerted Amnesty International.
HG: Anything else that you think will improve with the change of scenery?
El Kiboum: I’m looking forward to visits from friends, relatives, and my lawyers.  There is a rumor around here that we'll be permitted conjugal visits by up to 3 wives at a time.  Currently, only my lawyers are allowed to see me, but I have some, uh, things I’d like to talk about with old friends.  I’ve heard some of them are considering moving to Illinois.

December 16, 2009

3 Magi Expanded, Now Includes Transgendered 'Queen'

WASHINGTON, DC -- The US Czar of Diversity today has officially augmented the three Wise Men in Christian lore with additional Magi, one "transgendered" and another "of hispanic origins".  The move extends a 1993 effort to replace the three traditionally Persian Magi with three Kings that better represent US racial minorities: an Asian King, African King, and Middle Eastern King.

A spokesperson for the Czar cited the move as an effort to advance affirmative action in primitive religions, "For centuries, people have been taught to believe that a non-diverse group of Magi visited the so-called 'Christian Savior' at his birth.  This has unfairly taught children of all races, creeds, and genders that they could never aspire to be a Magi.  We want to open that door for everyone."

The plan calls for the addition of an Androgynous Queen, Hispanic King, and Native American Tribal Chieftain to the current retinue, rounding out the complete set of official multicultural representatives (as of 2009).

The spokesperson also discussed implementation, "it will be similar to how we approach all of our work advancing diversity: a plan that gradually phases in the new template and phases out the old in references throughout popular culture and government literature, while vilifying as a racist any person or organization that doesn't toe the line.  Enforcement can also be through litigation.  For an example, look at how successful we were with multicultural images in advertisements, TV shows, and movies.  All now include some combination of male / female and at least 3 of the 5 official minority groups in the US."

The spokesperson also hinted at what might be next, "Well, we've never really been pleased with baby Jesus being white.  We're considering our options there, but these things take time."

Obama Chosen as NFL MVP


NEW YORK CITY, NY - The Associated Press has chosen Barrack Obama as its National Football League Most Valuable Player for 2009.  The choice was made shortly after release of the NFL PLAY 60 advertisement in November.  This television commercial features the current US President catching passes from NFL players to convince children to watch less television, with the exception of NFL games.

The press release following the MVP announcement stated "AP believes he will be the best defensive and offensive contributor in the world when he does join the NFL."  The move shocked the President, who humbly stated he was happy to receive the award and would place it next to the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize he recently accepted.

December 15, 2009

Inuit Swimwear Sales Drop Off


BARROW, AK – Sales of swimwear and tanning lotion to the Inuit peoples of Canada, Russia, and the US have dropped precipitously since the revelation that man-made Global Warming is not real.  Industry figures compiled and released today show a clear drop in sales starting in November 2009 when emails were released to the public proving several important Global Warming scientists engaged in fraud to convince the general public of increasing world temperatures.

An Inuit Circumpolar Council spokesperson remarked about the change in opinion, “We believe science and fact, like everyone else.  We as a people were just trying to be prepared, but I guess we won’t be needing this stuff after all.  Anyone out there interested in a few thousand pairs of swim trunks and bikinis of various sizes and styles?”
Sales of the warm weather gear were pedaled primarily through local distributor Gore Industries, and were underwritten by loans from the United Nations.  Enthusiasm for Gore Industries hasn’t dampened in this part of the world and local shoppers say they will continue to purchase products from them.  “Many of us feel a little silly now, but we don't blame Gore Industries.  In fact, most of us agree we’ll continue to buy ice from them, at least.”

December 14, 2009

ACLU Wins Battle Over Religious Overhead Lines


SAN FRANCISCO, CA-- Following a legal challenge from the American Civil Liberties Union, the US Government must replace all overhead transmission lines that have the common "Cross" design because it violates the separation of Church and State implied by the US Constitution.

ACLU lawyers were pleased by the ruling from the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, which accepted the argument that the "cross" design for power line poles was converting people against their will to Christianity.  "This obviously violates the US Constitution, which stipulates that the Government must pretend Christianity doesn't exist", an ACLU public relations representative said.

The US Government was ordered by the Court to design a new transmission tower and replace all the illegal ones by December 25, 2010.  Government officials indicated they plan to reproduce one that is acceptable to the ACLU and already in use in Dearborn, Michigan.

The ACLU has plans to follow up on the success of this lawsuit by challenging other areas where the US Government coerces citizens to convert to Christianity, such as using the letter "t" in nearly every official document.

December 10, 2009

Newspapers Need Bailout to “Cover All The News”


WASHINGTON, DC – The US Congress is considering a bailout for selected US newspapers so they will have the resources to report on all the news.  Due to recent declines in revenue, many media outlets haven’t had the money or manpower to report on events such as the recent “Climate-gate" scandal or the frequent Tea Party movements of the past year.
"Our paper has had to become a lot more selective about what we report, which means some things are being left out" said one editor, who asked not to be named because she wasn’t authorized to speak to the press.  "Right now, we just can't afford to cover all the news.  We haven't updated the public on the number of dead soldiers in Iraq since, geez - January?  We didn't have the resources to really investigate where the TARP funds went.  You wouldn't believe the trouble we had scraping together the 11 analysts to take a look at Palin’s book,” she continued, referring to the intensive efforts to fact-check Sarah Palin’s recent release “Going Rogue”.  She went on to stress the significance of this, since they had been unable to do any verification of recent books by other political figures, such as President Obama, Joe Biden, and Hillary Clinton.

“Things are pretty bad right now" she concluded “We’ve even had to cancel our Kwanzaa and Ramadan parties this year.  So we’ll be having no holiday celebrations at all - it’s just work, work, work.”
The bill proposes direct subsidies to certain newspapers and extends and replaces the Senate effort to grant them tax exempt status back in March.  Unlike the recent Wall Street bailouts, however, the newspapers would not be subject to White House oversight.  A Senate staffer said, “They’re doing a great job already, folks just aren’t choosing to buy their product.  By giving them taxpayer funds directly, we’ll fix that.”

December 9, 2009

New Military Specialty Dots 'i's, Crosses 't's

LEAVENWORTH, KS -- The US Military has released information about the new Military Occupational Specialty "Combat Bureaucrat".  The purpose of the position is to ensure that soldiers adhere to the long list of requirements and regulations while operating in a combat zone.

The US Army's Associate Vice Assistant to the Deputy Director of Bureaucracy and Environmental Considerations, James Blather, spoke with The Hell Gazette about the new job and how it will aid the military in the current conflicts.  "When a unit plans an operation currently, there are reams of paperwork, long lists of approvals, and all sorts of other considerations.  Environmental protection, endangered plants and animals, protection of civilians, protection of enemy combatants, protection of the troops themselves - these are some of the issues confronted by the typical US soldier when he wants to attack the enemy.  These things usually trump winning the war or battle, but the folks in the field or on the ground don't always get that.  The Army's decision to assign a Combat Bureaucrat to each Company will greatly assist the units in planning and logistics.  When he's not on break."

Combat Bureacrats will be deployed with all the equipment they need: a clipboard with full cartridge of 12 ballpoint pens, laptop computer and approximately 23 lbs of regulations, processes, and forms.  A Standard Issue Comfy Chair is optional, but recommended.

Mr. Blather provided his vision for the future, "The US Army's effectiveness is often measured not by the number of enemy killed or captured, but by how nice they are to everyone and everything around them.  If each soldier during combat had his or her own personal Combat Bureaucrat to help them with the paperwork when they need to make a decision, we would be even closer to meeting those expectations.  Unfortunately, you go to war with the bureaucracy you have, not the bureaucracy you'd like.  It is something we're working towards, though."

He feels strongly this move will also help the US in its standing with the rest of the world, "It is to our credit that we as a nation are working to replace the chaos and unpredictability of combat with something a lot easier to look at.  If we lose a war or two because of it, I think it is a small price to pay - at least we as a nation will be able to sleep at night."

December 8, 2009

Trees Stage Protest at Copenhagen

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK – A group calling itself “Trees for Air Content Justice” is staging a counter-protest at the climate change conference this week.  A spokestree for the group said they organized “to speak out against the damage caused by you humans trying to limit the amount of CO2 you produce.”  It said trees have been protesting by falling, unnoticed, in forests for years, but they’ve come to the conclusion that they need to “start playing the game the right way if we want to get something done.”

In addition to protesting, they also intend to file lawsuits on “behalf of flora everywhere” to reverse a recent EPA decision to control CO2.  Shaking its leaves reproachfully, it said “We were here long before you hairy little things appeared and we’ll be here long after you’re gone.  What gives you the right to think you can or should regulate the very air we breathe?”

"Global Warming" Revelations Drive New Equipment Design

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- The National Hockey League is revising a piece of standard equipment, based on the revelation that the "hockey stick" curve used to describe Man-made Global Warming is a fraud.  The league is still finalizing the design of the new stick requirements, but has provided several prototypes which teams and players are trying out.


A spokesman talked about the issue and why the changes are being looked at, "We've been unwittingly associated with the Global Warming folks since that Al Gore movie-thing came out.  We'd at least like to be associated with what is true, however inconvenient it may be."


Controversy still remains, however, as most players are resisting the new stick design.  A player who asked not to be named said, "The old stick might have been hogwash when it comes to Global Warming, but it sure worked for hockey."

December 7, 2009

Stafford Loan Foreclosures Swamping Gov't With College Degrees

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The US Department of Education has been foreclosing on delinquent Stafford Student Loans at a tremendous rate for the last two years.  It appears that a college degree "bubble" has been developing and burst in late 2007, causing the US Government to start foreclosing on the degrees, which graduates are abandoning in droves.  For now, the government is reselling the degrees through the internet site "GetMyDegreeFast", but this is becoming more difficult as the piles of unwanted paper get larger.

An Education Department spokesperson, Evan Vabort, testified before congress on the problem, saying "One issue is that many college degrees appear to be losing value these days, especially ones devoted to the arts or culture.  Take a degree in Womens Studies, for example.  Our research is showing that about half the US population is already studying women - with no formal training at all.  While no one disputes that the rigors of college study can better prepare you in this area, there is a lot of competition out there.  Anyone who has walked past a construction site can see it first hand - there are some very talented amateurs out there in the field of Womens Studies."

Mr. Vabort's testimony also discussed how companies are concentrating more on their core business in this difficult economic environment.  "We've discovered that companies are reducing or eliminating their cultural studies departments altogether."

One telling example is Acme Corporation, which recently changed the company mission statement to reflect their increased focus on engineering, manufacturing, and sales.  In August 2008, their website provided the company mission as "We Produce High Quality Rabbit Destruction Equipment and Information About the Racist, Horrible United States".  In November of this year, however, the mission statement was modified to be simply "We Produce High Quality Rabbit Destruction Equipment", resulting in about 400 layoffs.  The company has not responded to inquiries about this change.

Mr. Vabort went on to describe the shift this is causing in hiring practices, as graduates either abandon their degrees or try to struggle by in the degree they have.  "In the past, most companies would hire a few PhDs in 'Asian Studies' or 'Black American and Diasporic Studies'.  We're seeing this less and less, unfortunately, and those employees are tending to take jobs in the PV/L [Editors note: Professional Victim / Litigant] sector of the economy."

December 6, 2009

Lawyers Pleased with Possibilities of “Reflexive Damages”

DULUTH, MN -- After the arrest of a man in Minnesota recently for trespassing on his own land, lawyers quickly decided the next step was to see if the man was interested in suing himself for damages.  Personal injury lawyer Ernest Blech III had this to say, “We feel deeply for this man and hope juries will, too.  He is entitled to remuneration because of the property destruction and psychological damage he has inflicted on himself.”

The case will be watched closely by the The American Association for Justice (AAJ), formerly the Association of Trial Lawyers of America (ATLA), which considers this a promising new area of litigation.

December 4, 2009

"Quadri the Lion" WH Efforts

WASHINGTON, DC - A summit, the President's 13th since taking office in January, is planned for Jan. 5, 2010 on the subject of "Really Big Numbers: What Comes After a Trillion?"  A staffer revealed the purpose of the summit with these remarks, "We feel that numbers larger than a trillion may be coming into common usage in a few years, and we don't think the public identifies yet with the concept.  People are familiar with thousands, millions, billions, and -more recently - trillions, but what numbers come after that? [Editor's note: quadrillion]  Basically, we're looking to the future of this country - we want the public to be ready."



The summit coincides with the teaming of the White House communications staff and PBS, who are creating a new animated television series for school-age children called “Quadri the Friendly Lion”.  According to the spokesperson, "the next generation is really going to need to know this."  Catchy songs are to incorporated into the programs, such as "Tyrannosaurus Debt" and the sing-along favorite "Millions, Billions, Trillions, Hey!"

Readers Write: Mr. Circenses, Please Correct Your Bias

Dear Hell Gazette,
I am a long-time reader and admire the hard work you do at the Gazette.  However, I worry your personal biases may be present in your reporting.  I thought I would point out one small example to you, and perhaps you could examine your writing a little closer and correct this flaw.
I’ve noticed that when you (mistakenly) refer to either of our two Overseas Contingency Operations as a “war”, you never use the phrase “costly and unpopular” before the word “war”.  Nearly all of your brethren do, and I believe it is considered a standard journalistic phrase, like the practice of using stock photos.  Here are a few examples (here, here, here, here, and here) from different years, different news sources, and different subjects to help guide you.  If you’d like to see more simply do a web search for the phrase.
I suspect there are other accepted phrases that you don’t adhere to ("accepted science" and "consensus" with respect to Man-made Global Warming comes to mind) but I think you get the idea.  Otherwise, please keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
Frank Phillips (Denver, Colorado)

December 3, 2009

Bill Creates New "Gov't Agency or... something"

WASHINGTON, DC -- Two of the lesser known Representatives from California are Rep. John Krupt (D-CA) and Rep. William Phoole (D-CA).  In an effort to increase their prestige within the House, they secured $200M in un-specified funding from the Committee on Appropriations and are now looking for a way to spend it.  They disagree on the particulars, but both would like to make a "new Government Agency or Program or... something."  Their proposed legislation HR3406 has a working title of "Krupt-Phoole Agency or Program to Help the Children, and get America Back on Track with the Economy."

In a recent interview, Rep. Phoole indicated his desire for a better, shorter name.  "Something like 'Getting America Back to Work' - that sounds impressive, doesn't it?" he asked rhetorically, before being interrupted by Rep. Krupt who added "But that is all about the economy.  I think we should focus on the children, since they are the country's future and need our assistance and protection - if the Government doesn't help society's most vulnerable, who will?"

While they don't agree yet on what to do with the $200 million dollars, both are convinced it will do a lot of good... for something or someone.

December 2, 2009

After 60 Years, Candy Bombers Brought to Justice

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS -- The International Criminal Court announced today it will proceed with a trial of the remaining "Candy Bombers".  The bombing campaign of Berlin civilians from 1949-1951 by the US is considered a crime against humanity by the UN Security Council.
“Today marks justice for the citizens of Berlin and their Soviet peacekeepers, both of whom suffered under this terrible act.” Secretary-General of the United Nations Ban Ki-moon said today in a prepared statement.  The 4 suspects that remain alive are being held in The Hague as they await trial.  The pilots were members of the team that perpetrated Operation Little Vittles, an especially gruesome part of the bombing campaign that specifically targeted children.  The ring-leader died in 1983, before international legal wrangling was completed to allow him to be brought to trial.  The US has acknowledged that while it never officially sanctioned Operation Little Vittles, the attacks were given tacit approval.
Mr. Ki-moon finished his statement with words intended to provide comfort to the victims, “Some say the UN is a large, corrupt body.  Some say we are a huge waste of money and ineffectual.  Today we are proving to the world that we are not ineffectual.”

WTFO Moving HQ To LA

CHICAGO, IL -- The activist group Women Thinking From Oprah (WTFO) intends to move its Headquarters to Los Angeles by 2011, following Oprah Winfrey's plans to do the same.  This national coalition of women who think and act in accordance with Oprah boasts membership of about 4 million.

The WTFO President, Ms. Susan Clemmer of Chicago, gave a summary of the group history and mission, "We think she's great and we try to do everything she does or says.  We buy all of her Book Club books.  We watch her shows, we read O magazine - we just love her."  That love goes deeper than just watching for most members, she admits.  "Well, yeah, those of us dedicated to WTFO tend to adore her more than just regular 'fans'.  If she cries, we cry.  If she is for Obama, we're for Obama.  When she came on the show after losing all that weight, many of us were dragging wheelbarrows of animal fat around for weeks," she laughs.  "Actually, we sometimes cry for no reason at all," she adds quietly.

The group - which used to call itself Women Who Do What Oprah Says And Think Just Like She Does (WWDWOSATJLSD), but changed their name after a gentle suggestion from "O" herself - prides itself on its staying power and plans to be around for their idol, no matter what she plans to do next.  "She's our guiding star - we don't know what we'd do without her" Ms. Clemmer says with simple smile.

December 1, 2009

IRS May Allow Stimulus Job Creation Guidelines on Tax Returns

WASHINGTON, DC -- Some critics have claimed that most of President Obama's jobs "saved or created" by the hundreds of billions in stimulus money were fiction.  If so, they may soon be a useful fiction for taxpayers.  In an internal memo received by The Hell Gazette, the IRS is considering letting taxpayers claim dependents using the same guidelines the White House provided to determine jobs "creation" recently.  The issue has been quietly discussed within the revenue department since the White House released the new jobs numbers on Oct. 29, 2009.

The memo outlines the following rules that can be utilized for 2009 tax returns.

Raising Allowances
If children's allowances were increased this year, that can be used to "save or create" dependents.  Multiply the number of current dependents on the 2008 tax return by the percentage increase in allowance to determine the number of 2009 dependents.

Salary Increase for Breadwinner
If the breadwinner of the family received a salary increase in 2009, that percentage increase translates into more dependents.  If both parents work, the dependents are cumulative.

Part-time Children
The biggest innovation from the memo is the concept of part-time children.  Any children that spend part of their time at someone's house can be claimed as "partial" dependents if they consume at least one meal there.  This can apply to non-relations, such as the children's friends.  Multiply the amount of time they spend there as a percentage of the total hours in a year to determine their dependent contribution to the family.


The memo goes on to state that all new increases are additive and that "partial" dependents - any new dependent less than 1.0, such as 0.6 - are now included in tax returns by multiplying the amount as a percentage of the deduction (See sidebar "What Does All This Mean To Me?").  The White House has declined to comment.