May 28, 2010

NYT Files FOIA Request for President's Golf Scores

OAK BLUFFS, MA -- Despite promises to be the most "open and transparent" administration in history during the campaign, the Obama administration has not been allowing reporters near the President when he is golfing.  Wild speculation about his scores and scorekeeping has been keeping world economies jittery for the past 15 months or so.

The New York Times finally decided to file a Freedom of Information Act request on behalf of "concerned world citizens everywhere" to get the White House to release all of the Presidents golf scores since entering
office in January, 2009.

"'We The People' need to know," said a lawyer representing the New York Times.  "It is about accountability and also about honesty - how can we trust a person if we don't know how they golf?  Kim Jong-Il released his golf scores, why can't the leader of the Free World?"

May 25, 2010

Feds Start Helping With Oil Spill, Add Paperwork and Taxes

BARATARIA BAY, LA -- Since the British Petroleum oil rig explosion occurred on April 20, spilling oil into the Gulf of Mexico, critics have been charging that the government hasn't been doing enough.  Government officials have fired back by noting three areas that the Federal Government has been using its wealth of expertise and manpower to help out: taxation, regulation, and grandstanding.

Congress is working on a bill tentatively called the "Oil Spill Prevention Act."  The legislation hasn't been released to the public for comment yet, but a person familiar with the proposal said "We have been working at warp speed, trying to get this bill passed as quickly as can be, before any more accidents happen.  We worked so quickly, we haven't even had a chance yet to put together a catchy name or acronym for the bill."  The legislation will rely on the time-tested truism first spoken by Daniel Webster that "the power to tax is the power to destroy", and will therefore levy huge taxes against oil spills in the future in hopes of preventing them altogether.  If successful, there are future plans to have similar taxes for airplane crashes and car accidents.

The Environmental Protection Agency has been contributing to the cleanup by overseeing and offering advice.  "We're going to do everything we know how to do" explained Milford Pilfer, moments before his helicopter took off to survey the oil spill in a 2 hour sightseeing trip that cost about $80,000 in fuel and personnel costs.  Upon his return, Mr. Pilfer appeared rejuvenated and reportedly had "dozens of new regulations in mind."

In addition, the President's staff has reported that Obama wanted to go to the gulf region and personally "organize some communities down there" but was convinced to stay in Washington instead.  "The President is going to be digging in - figuratively, of course - by appointing committees and investigations.  The hope is that by giving the cleanup crews and companies involved more problems to deal with, it will speed things up and make the cleanup more successful.  We'd like to replicate the successes of Federal involvement with the Hurricane Katrina cleanup."

May 18, 2010

Dead Crime Victims Protest Supreme Court Decision

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Supreme Court ruling this week that prevents juvenile offenders from receiving life-without-parole sentences has generated controversy, as a large group of dead crime victims rose from their graves and mounted a somber protest on the steps of the Supreme Court Building.

While the Supreme Court decision specifically applied only to crimes short of homicide, dead victim Shelly Wallfield of Ohio, noted "My killer was convicted as a youth twice for armed robbery and attempted murder. Had he been locked up at age 17 for life, he never would have killed me when he was 25. He'd still be rotting in jail. Instead, I've been rotting in my grave, as you can plainly see", displaying gruesome wounds and her rotting flesh, evidence of being dead and buried for the last 14 months.  She added "The Supreme Court just doesn't get it. The ones that voted in favor of this resolution should try being dead for a while before they make any more stupid decisions like that.  We tried to get a few of the dead, former Supreme Court Justices to come help us plead our case, but nearly all said they made rulings based on what the US Constitution says and what the framers intended.  Since that is out of fashion these days, they didn't think they could help us much."

Other dead protesters echoed Shelly's sentiments, with one saying "The point we're trying to make is these kids have no conscience.  Letting them back into society is a bad idea, and isn't fair to those innocent souls out there who are that kid's next victim.  I was killed by a repeat offender, who had been been in and out of jail since he was about 14.  No one held a gun to his head and made him hold a gun to my head: he made that choice all by himself.  Now my wife has no husband and my kids have no dad.  Does that sound 'cruel and unusual' to you?"

May 10, 2010

CDC Worried About Islam / Mental Ilness Link

ATLANTA, GA -- "My first thought when hearing about the Times Square bomber, was 'No - not another one!'" says Dr. Jackson "Jack" Ath, the principle investigator tracking the strange link between "lone wolf" homicidal criminals and the Muslim faith.  "This disease - whatever it is - has claimed another. Luckily for us all, the poor man didn't harm anyone this time, but it is still yet another troubling sign of the pervasiveness of this illness."

Dr. Ath and his colleagues at The World Health Organization have been tracking and studying this unusual correlation since about January 2009.  "We're not sure what the cause is exactly," he explains.  "It could be related to diet; a lack of pork or the fasting that occurs during Ramadan.  Perhaps it has something to do with facing East more often than the general population. It is possible dogs provide some sort of immunity from this illness in addition to being 'man's best friend.'  We really don't have an answer at this time, but we are committed to finding it before another person succumbs to this dreaded affliction."

The only information they have is that the disease causes some form of mental illness that makes individuals want to commit random murder and property damage. They usually try to kill as many people as possible and meticulously plan their crimes for weeks or months. Three prominent cases have been in the news the last year, first the "Ft. Hood Shooter", then the "Christmas Day Bomber" and now the "Times Square Bomber." In every case, the perpetrator of these unusual crimes acted alone and happened to also be an active member of the peaceful Muslim faith.  No motive has been found in any of the cases, but the investigations are all still pending.

Dr. Ath has tracked cases of the disease as far back as the 1970s.  "I just hope we find the cause, and then a cure," he concludes. "Our data shows that the instances of it happening are increasing every year.  If this goes on much longer or one of these isolated individuals successfully commits a mass murder, it might make people think badly of zealous Muslims.  Muslims might start to get treated differently than everyone else, purely based on their religious views. That would probably be the most tragic result of all."

May 7, 2010

Lawyers Propose New Category Between "Legal" and "Illegal"

The group Justice Enhancement by Reducing Criminality has proposed a new category between "Legal" and "Illegal" stating the dividing line between the two is currently "too harsh" and should be made more gentle. Their solution creates a new legal status called "Technically Illegal, But For Good Reason" which would apply whenever someone commits a crime for "noble reasons", including helping children, combating racism and injustice, or saving the earth.

The not-for-profit organization, made up primarily of trial lawyers, states its mission as "Protecting the underprivileged by suing big companies with deep pockets."  The Hell Gazette managed a brief interview with the CEO of this organization, Lawrence Bernstein, as he stepped off one of his Lear jets last week.

HG: Please sum up for our readers why you feel this move is necessary.
LB: Our goal is to make justice a little less blind.  Too many times in this country, the "little guy" has no control over his life.  Sometimes he commits crimes, but those so-called crimes are really a plea for help.  Why should someone be punished for trying to lead a selfless, noble life?  Think of Robin Hood: it should not be against the law to rob fat-cat bankers or CEOs of profit-producing companies. Currently, the only option we have is to sue when people are unjustly accused of crimes.  Our organization is interested in changing the law itself so people accused of such things as robbery and murder can't be charged if they can prove they were doing it for the Greater Good or to help others less fortunate.  Like using the temporary insanity defense in a criminal trial: it is a game changer.
HG: How has your campaign been going so far?
LB: Honestly?  Not very well so far. But the party currently in power has been very open and receptive to the idea, provided it will, uh, benefit their members.  We've had several highly successful meetings over lunch and at parties to help spread our message.
HG: A review of your finances shows you have been donating to the campaigns of judges in key positions. Is it related to this current effort?
LB: Yes it is.  Well, actually it is related to most of what we call our 'charitable litigation' work.

May 5, 2010

NBA To Support Illegal Immigration with Spanish-speaking Referees

PHOENIX, AZ -- As the Phoenix Suns prepare to support "multiculturalism and illegal immigration" by wearing jerseys saying "Los Suns" on them today, the NBA has decided to take the concept one step further by implementing "all Spanish" refereeing until the Arizona immigration enforcement law is repealed. The idea, according to a NBA official involved in the project, is to "make people wake up and realize where this nation is heading" by having the referees speak exclusively Spanish to coaches, players, and the crowd during games.  A secondary effect will be to force fans and players to "brush up on their Spanish, if they want to know what's going on", according to the official. The television networks will likely add subtitles to televised basketball games.


NBA players, many of whom hold Associate Degrees in Political Science from colleges with strong basketball programs, are well-informed about immigration issues and occasionally consulted as experts by the President's staff.  Suns guard Steve Nash had this to say, "The issue of immigration is very complex.  On one hand you having people sneaking into this country illegally, and Arizona is interested in enforcing the laws that prevent that.  On the other hand, you have people like us that say 'Stop!  Enforcing laws might offend someone!'"  He went on to say that he had several small colonies of squatters living on his land and he loved having them there.  Not only is it very difficult to have them removed from his land, "he wouldn't want them to leave anyway."

Another NBA idea that has met some resistance from players is to switch the payment systems from American Dollars to Mexican Pesos, which, according to league officials "is legitimate currency the world over."

May 4, 2010

Middle-aged White Men Breathe Easy As Likely "Times Square Bomber" Caught

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Middle aged white men around the country relaxed this morning as they realized they wouldn't be living under a cloud of suspicion any longer regarding the failed Times Square bombing earlier this week.  In an unlikely turn of events, an American of Pakistani descent, Faisal Shahzad, was apprehended at JFK airport as he tried to escape the country and is now the prime suspect in the crime.  Initial descriptions of the attacker as a "middle aged white man" had immediately put the middle aged white man community on edge.

"It still gets to you, you know?" said one man, who asked that his name not be used for fear of retribution.  "Every time there is a crime or something happens, people immediately start blaming us. You learn to just ignore the glares and the quiet comments. Police harassment, children pointing and huddling closer to their mothers, the occasional outburst and threats - I take things day by day.  I have been pulled over several times since the description of the bomber came out.  I just chalked it up to 'driving while white and middle-aged.'  Most of us are used to it by now."

Experts say middle aged white guys are responsible for nearly every horrible thing in America's past and present, and constant reminders of this on television and in the press have stirred up resentment among the general populace.  Prof. Mary Dunkley of the University of Vermont and State Agricultural College, a noted expert on these matters, remarked "Look at their track record: capitalism, Enron, the Titanic, the Trail of Tears, game shows, the boy band 'O-town' - need I go on?  Put simply: if it is bad, it was probably caused by a middle aged white guy."