March 30, 2010

Militia Hoped for Sweet Professorships like 1960s Revolutionaries

WHEATLAND TOWNSHIP, MI -- Early interviews with an armed anti-government group calling itself the Hutaree indicate members were hoping to eventually become "important and respected University Professors" by killing law enforcement personnel and then spending years on the run, like many members of 1960s-era Marxist organizations.

"Folks like Weathermen, Black Panthers, and lots of others - these guys and gals murdered people in the 60s, but never had to pay for their crimes. In fact, most are now revered for their violent behavior years ago and teach our impressionable young college students about history and morality.  We want that kind of influence - the kind that can only come from fighting The Man," one of the members stated, with a lawyer present.

The difficulty may be that thes Hutaree don't have the rich parents that most of the 1960s revolutionary terrorists had.  The members of the group have had to make a living while fulfilling their dreams of violent overthrow of the US Government.  This lack of funds and useful contacts throughout the country may have lead to the arrest and apparent dismantlement of the group.

March 24, 2010

Obama's "Sad Sack" of Letters


WASHINGTON, DC -- "Some people use statistics, some people use analogies, some use reasoned analysis. We used letters from unemployed people," says Brad Wilson, Obama's letter-choosing staff member, about how he and his team worked to convince America it needed socialized medical care.  Mr Wilson's official job is to sift through the mountain of correspondence the President receives every day and find letters that make an emotional plea for government help.

"We call it the 'sad sack' - where we put the most gut-wrenching letters from people that just can't seem to take care of themselves. These are the folks that need government assistance and taxpayer dollars.  He'd have us draw 10 letters from that bag every day to use as props, uh - I mean to use as examples."  The rest of the mountain of letters, faxes, and emails was sent to the incinerator.  "Yeah, the other letters - probably 90% - went on and on about personal responsibility, taxes, and junk like that.  A lot of them mentioned some 'constitution' thing, whatever that is."  See sidebar graphic culled from administration data about the subjects of the letters.

Mr. Wilson naturally supports the President's efforts in health care and sees his work as a vital part of that.  "We are a nation of about 300 million souls.  You find a few dozen really pathetic cases, and you make sweeping changes to our economy and health care system based on that.  Take away everyone's freedom to make a personal decision about their life.  I really don't understand why some people are so upset about this."

President Obama's famous use of letters from ordinary citizens may soon come to an end, say staffers, as thousands of angry letters from people came pouring in following the passage of his Health Care Reform bill.  "It's even more than usual..." murmured Mr. Wilson as he looked over bags being sent to the incinerator.

March 22, 2010

Slaughter Rule Considered for Fall Elections

WASHINGTON, DC -- After the successful passage this past week of the much-anticipated Health Care Reform Bill, Federal Government leaders are considering applying the "Slaughter Rule" to the upcoming elections.  Louise Slaughter is chair of the House Rules Committee and the person who has authorized the use of something called the "hereby rule" to bypass many of the archaic and time-consuming checks, balances, and procedures regarding bills before congress. Many of these rules - such as "voting" - have been deemed by constitution scholars to be mere formalities once leaders divine what voters really want.

Congressional leaders and the President are researching whether a similar "Slaughter rule" can be used for election of officials themselves. A staffer working on the project noted "the President - who taught constitutional law for years and has read most of the document - thought the idea up himself, using that big brain of his."  The proposal currently being mulled by Democratic leaders is to have elections bypassed altogether once candidates - especially incumbents - determine who the voters really want.

"A main advantage is the time this would save everyone. Voters wouldn't have to wait in line on election day, media wouldn't have to waste time with updates all day and night... the list goes on. Not to mention the weeks spent on recounts and challenges," added the staffer, who asked not to be named.

She went on to say they are confident the measure will be enacted by end of summer, "We're thinking we should be able to get this concept passed without a vote, or at least not one requiring a supermajority in the Senate."

March 19, 2010

President's New Fix for Economy: Book Deals for All

WASHINGTON, DC -- The old adage "the business of America is business" has been replaced, according to President Obama.  "The business of America is entertainment," the President stated while pushing his latest quick fix for the economy: force publishers to give multi-million dollar book deals to everyone.

"Many in Congress have increased their wealth through lucrative book deals," the President said during a press conference in the Rose Garden this morning. "Bubba got one, Hil [Hillary Clinton] got one, I got two. We finally figured it out: everyone should get one. So, we're working to make that law."  The President often refers to his close friend Bill Clinton as "Bubba".

Congressional Budget Office (CBO) estimates show that once everyone in the United States is a multi-millionaire under this new plan, tax revenues will rise dramatically as millions of people who formerly paid no taxes will now submit up to 60% of their new-found wealth to government coffers.  CBO staffers said they had to invent new numbers just to make the calculations.  New York Times economists also put the stamp of approval on the plan in various opinion pieces published immediately after the announcement.

One potential snag the President mentioned was the "hundreds of thousands of illiterate public school students."  The White House will soon release plans to solve this problem, by allowing those "few special cases" to receive picture book deals or have their books ghost-written by government employees.

March 18, 2010

Possible Coverup of "O'Bama's" Night on the Town

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Obama reportedly sampled the night life with pal Tiger Woods for St. Patrick's Day, and may have overindulged in green beer. A bedraggled President arrived late to a scheduled 6:00 AM press conference this morning, and only managed to mumble a few words before making a hasty exit, assisted by staffers. His communications director later explained that the President was experiencing "flu-like symptoms" and "having trouble seeing his teleprompter."

Unconfirmed reports from O'Mally's in downtown Washington, DC, allege that the President arrived there with his Secret Service detail around 9:00 PM, referring to them as "my entourage."  As the night wore on, numerous witnesses say they saw him singing and dancing with patrons while wearing a silly green hat and calling himself "Berrick O'Bama."  At one point, a woman claims he wanted to leave the bar and "climb the Washington Monument."

An Ebay listing early this morning for "Authentic Presidential Vomit" appears to corroborate these allegations.

 While Mr. Woods reportedly left the bar with a female patron, the President is thought to have stayed to "hang out shum more with the votersh."  
Secret Service agents would not confirm reports that the President kept saying "I love you, man" to staffers while returning to the White House.

March 17, 2010

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March 16, 2010

Taxpayers Dedicate Roads to 111th Congress

TROY, MI -- "Crooks Road" in Michigan may soon be called "Crooks Road / 111th Congress Freeway" as mobs of taxpayers have requested the name change to honor the impressive achievements of the 2009-10 session of Congress.

It is common practice throughout the nation to name roads after groups or individuals that have received widspread support and admiration, such as The Korean War Veterans Expressway and the Walter Reuther Expressway.

This trend is being seen around the country as the people have risen up in support of Congressional proposals such as Socialized Health Care and Carbon Regulation.  Citizens have been especially impressed with the legislature's use of unusual and unprecedented methods to get these popular bills passed, such as not reading bills before voting on them and creatively stretching the boundaries of reconciliation and other parliamentary proceedings.  Polls have shown that people support bypassing centuries-old legislative proceedings, if it can be contrived as being for "the common good" or "the poor."

Grateful taxpayers are currently filling out paperwork to change Wall Avenue in Ogden, Utah, to Lying Senators Lane.  Work is also nearly completed to change West Park Boulevard in Plano, Texas, to be Corrupt Politician Road.

The President will receive similar honors if activists in Washington, DC, are successful in getting Pennsylvania Avenue changed to King's Road.

March 10, 2010

Black Barbie Alleges Racial Discrimination

EUNICE, LA - Black Barbie has filed suit against 8-year-old Melissa Jenkins of Louisiana, alleging racial discrimination. Black Barbie’s lawyer stated “Melissa paid only $3.00 for Ms. Black Barbie, which severely undervalues her efforts. At the same time, she purchased White Barbie for $5.93.” The suit seeks to recover $2.93 for lost wages and $3.6M for “pain, suffering, and emotional damage.”

Ms. Black Barbie held an emotional press conference with long-time boyfriend Black Ken and provided details of her experience of being purchased along with White Barbie and receiving nearly half the pay of her non-minority counterpart. “We are both doing the same work – having our hair done, getting dressed up for social events, occasionally getting chewed on by the dog – yet here I was making a lot less than WB [White Barbie].  It’s just not fair.” The interview ended in sobs as Ms. Black Barbie exclaimed “she bought us both at the same time and used to call us Ms. Salt and Mrs. Pepper – it was humiliating.”

The Jenkins family was not available for comment.

March 4, 2010

President Declares Vistory at Health Care Summit

WASHINGTON, DC -- "The Obama's Health Care Summit is to the legislative process what fiber is to the digestive process" a Presidential aid stated today, referring to the recent attempt to get a socialized health care bill moving again in Congress. "It should sweep away obstructions and assist in pushing through a result the President can be proud of."

The Health Care Summit was a last ditch attempt to get congressional leaders from both parties to agree on the best way to deprive Americans of their ability to choose their own health care.

The aid also asserted that the Health Care Summit "did what it was intended to do" and went on to note "we have reports that journalists have been very impressed with his unbiased handling of all viewpoints, in the style of such classic moderators as Kofi Annan and Nikita Khrushchev."