"Occupy Pro Sports" Movement Gains Steam

Bronx, NY -- Outside Yankee Stadium, the hundred or so "Occupy Pro Sports" protesters aren't afraid of a little rain.  However, some of them are afraid of the ball.  "I flinch and close my eyes every time the ball is thrown," says Paul Sillentri who lives near the stadium.  He plays softball twice a week, but his batting average "is so low, it's in the noise of a typical 3 digit batting average."   He admits it is officially listed as "zero" in both leagues, even though it is slightly higher.  "I usually bunt successfully once a season or so.  When people talk about the 99% of athletes in the world - I'm definitely one them."

The "Occupy Pro Sports" movement has been taking off since it was officially kicked off last month by a group calling themselves "Terrible Basketball Players United."  The group's demands were muddled at first - everything from publicly funded athletic instruction to limb amputation of extremely gifted sports stars - but have started to coalesce recently.  A webpage calling itself the Official Occupy Pro Sports site now lists the following demands (reprinted with permission):

1. Congressional grilling of 1%ers: all professional athletes who are too good and dominate their sport need to be punished and publicly humiliated.

2. Open tryouts for ANYONE who wants to make ANY professional sports team.  The Federal Government must regulate and oversee these tryouts to ensure fairness.

3. Government created and managed professional sports leagues for the 99%, funded by steep taxes on the existing non-government leagues.

The loosely affiliated "OPS" movements around the country are hoping to induce government action by harassing fans and vandalizing stadiums and rinks around the country.  In Cleveland this week, a mob of hostile protestors jeered and taunted Cleveland Indian players as they attempted to enter the stadium for an afternoon practice.  Several attempted to throw water bottles and trash at the athletes but had such poor aim no players were ever in any danger.  In another incident, three occupiers wearing skates and "We Are The 99%" t-shirts jumped on ice during an NHL playoff game in New Jersey but couldn't outskate the team's mascot and were quickly apprehended.  Several other stadiums have seen scratched and marred statuary where occupy mobs lacked the strength to pull them down.

Self-appointed OPS spokesperson Van Jones, who served briefly as a presidential cabinet appointee in 2009 but is more famously known as "the worst golfer Obama ever met", said "these events were actually successes because they bring infamy and attention to the OPS movement."  He went on to list several other occurrences and stated there are at least 29 "Occupy" groups in major cities all over the country.  "Turns out there are a lot of really lousy athletes out there that could never be a pro athlete in a million years without government intervention.  The folks always picked last in dodge ball. We're just looking to level the playing field," he adds with a grin.

NYT Files FOIA Request for President's Golf Scores

OAK BLUFFS, MA -- Despite promises to be the most "open and transparent" administration in history during the campaign, the Obama administration has not been allowing reporters near the President when he is golfing.  Wild speculation about his scores and scorekeeping has been keeping world economies jittery for the past 15 months or so.

The New York Times finally decided to file a Freedom of Information Act request on behalf of "concerned world citizens everywhere" to get the White House to release all of the Presidents golf scores since entering
office in January, 2009.

"'We The People' need to know," said a lawyer representing the New York Times.  "It is about accountability and also about honesty - how can we trust a person if we don't know how they golf?  Kim Jong-Il released his golf scores, why can't the leader of the Free World?"

NBA To Support Illegal Immigration with Spanish-speaking Referees

PHOENIX, AZ -- As the Phoenix Suns prepare to support "multiculturalism and illegal immigration" by wearing jerseys saying "Los Suns" on them today, the NBA has decided to take the concept one step further by implementing "all Spanish" refereeing until the Arizona immigration enforcement law is repealed. The idea, according to a NBA official involved in the project, is to "make people wake up and realize where this nation is heading" by having the referees speak exclusively Spanish to coaches, players, and the crowd during games.  A secondary effect will be to force fans and players to "brush up on their Spanish, if they want to know what's going on", according to the official. The television networks will likely add subtitles to televised basketball games.

NBA players, many of whom hold Associate Degrees in Political Science from colleges with strong basketball programs, are well-informed about immigration issues and occasionally consulted as experts by the President's staff.  Suns guard Steve Nash had this to say, "The issue of immigration is very complex.  On one hand you having people sneaking into this country illegally, and Arizona is interested in enforcing the laws that prevent that.  On the other hand, you have people like us that say 'Stop!  Enforcing laws might offend someone!'"  He went on to say that he had several small colonies of squatters living on his land and he loved having them there.  Not only is it very difficult to have them removed from his land, "he wouldn't want them to leave anyway."

Another NBA idea that has met some resistance from players is to switch the payment systems from American Dollars to Mexican Pesos, which, according to league officials "is legitimate currency the world over."

Iranian President Plans to Compete in Olympics

VANCOUVER, CANADA -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is planning a last minute entry into the Winter Olympics in an attempt to get his country's Olympic dreams "back on track."  Like fellow dictators Kim Jong-il of North Korea and Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, President Ahmadinejad is "the best at everything" and intends to easily win a gold in skiing for his country. It is hoped that this move will rally the nation's athletes to victory and result in more medal wins.  Iran has not won any medals to date.

His aims are more patriotic than personal, according to an unnamed minister.  "His gracious Excellency the President has decided to take time away from his very busy schedule to lead Iran to one more victory over the infidels. He doesn't do this for himself, but for the glory of Iran."  When asked why his athletes have not been performing well to date, the minister placed the blame generally on "the west" and specifically on the absence of a nuclear fuel deal with the US.

In other Olympic news, a high ranking Russian official has blamed former US President Ronald Reagan for their country's relatively poor showing at the Olympics this year. Former East German female weightlifting champion and current Russian Assistant Under-secretary of Finance Anna Klein was quoted as saying "Ever since I could shave, I remember the Olympics as a contest between the USSR and the US as to who could win more medals. If we had not torn down the wall all those years ago, perhaps things would be a little more interesting in Vancouver."

Under-medaled Nations "Win" Big at Vancouver

VANCOUVER, CANADA -- Switzerland, the US, Germany, and France will be forced to give some of their Olympic medals to "less fortunate" countries this year under new International Olympic Committee guidelines. Ghana, Jamaica, Cyprus, Morocco, and Ethiopia were deemed the least likely to win a medal and will receive some combination of gold, silver and bronze from the countries that "have more than they can use."

The concept of redistributing medals was inspired by practices in nearly every Western nation that take resources from the successful and provide them to the less successful, so that everyone feels better. The Committee decided 8 years ago that this practice was the goal, but has been locked in debate whether it was better to redistribute the medals after competition, or change the rules during competition so that countries that don't have "the ambition or ability to win" could still receive the trappings of victory.

"The problem" says IOC representative Rudolph Van Bremen, "is that changing the rules during play became too complicated. We looked at downhill skiing and were trying to work out a way to tie different sized boat anchors to competitors, based upon the Gross Domestic Product of their native lands. Our analysis showed that this wouldn't ensure the winners we wanted, so then we looked at having prosperous nations use barrel staves instead of skis. The barrel staves were ruled out as not environmentally friendly, since they contained treated wood. In the end, we decided it was best to just let the competitors devote their lives to earning their prizes, then take them away and give them to someone else."

Mr. Van Bremen wiped away a tear of joy as the African desert nation of Ethopia was granted a silver medal for Alpine Skiing. As he recounted the tale of "a bewildered potato farmer" who was tapped to become that nation's skiing champion by Ethopian Prime Minister Meles Zenawi, Mr. Bremen was visibly moved and said quietly "this is what we have been working for all these years."

Obama Chosen as NFL MVP

NEW YORK CITY, NY - The Associated Press has chosen Barrack Obama as its National Football League Most Valuable Player for 2009.  The choice was made shortly after release of the NFL PLAY 60 advertisement in November.  This television commercial features the current US President catching passes from NFL players to convince children to watch less television, with the exception of NFL games.

The press release following the MVP announcement stated "AP believes he will be the best defensive and offensive contributor in the world when he does join the NFL."  The move shocked the President, who humbly stated he was happy to receive the award and would place it next to the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize he recently accepted.

"Global Warming" Revelations Drive New Equipment Design

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- The National Hockey League is revising a piece of standard equipment, based on the revelation that the "hockey stick" curve used to describe Man-made Global Warming is a fraud.  The league is still finalizing the design of the new stick requirements, but has provided several prototypes which teams and players are trying out.

A spokesman talked about the issue and why the changes are being looked at, "We've been unwittingly associated with the Global Warming folks since that Al Gore movie-thing came out.  We'd at least like to be associated with what is true, however inconvenient it may be."

Controversy still remains, however, as most players are resisting the new stick design.  A player who asked not to be named said, "The old stick might have been hogwash when it comes to Global Warming, but it sure worked for hockey."

A More Inclusive NBA

CONCORD, NH -- "I'm fed up and I'm going to do something about it."  With these words two years ago, Paul Scribflam of Concord, New Hampshire, decided he would attempt something many told him at the time was crazy: get the NBA to embrace Affirmative Action.

Mr. Scribflam, a computer consultant, went about his quest in classic American style: he sued the NBA to be more inclusive of white people.  "More than 70% of NBA players are African-Americans, and yet, about half of this country is white.  Something just wasn't right about that.  If you look at short, fat white guys in the NBA vs. their demographic within society at large, the inequality become even more obvious."

His lawyer, Ernest Blech III, went through some of the arguments that have been used in court.  "For years, General Motors has been quietly using race and gender as very important factors in career advancement and promotions.  While some may claim that basing decisions on superficial things like skin color is bad for business, just look at the results.  The NBA needs to do this to stay relevant."

Mr. Scribflam is dismissive of detractors.  "Some of the opponents of this lawsuit seem to think that diversity is what happens naturally when you choose the best person for the job, but the courts say otherwise.  Diversity itself is a strength.  How you look is directly related to who you are, your skills, and your perspective.  By simply having people that are all different shades of color, different shapes, different sizes - a team is stronger and more effective.  Just ask anyone."

While the case slowly makes its way through the court system, other groups have taken notice and are considering similar cases.  In what some in Hollywood consider an ominous sign, the Gentile Actors Guild said in a statement "We are very interested in the outcome of this lawsuit."

Buzkashi Made Olympic Sport

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND -- President Obama has something to show for going to Copenhagen after all.  Details of a meeting between the current US President and the International Olympic Committee reveal a backroom deal made between the two parties that opened the door to have the Afghan sport of Buzkashi made an Olympic sport.

Obama's original purpose in flying to Copenhagen, Denmark, was to have Chicago chosen as the 2016 Olympic location, a distinction which instead went to Rio de Janeiro. While he was unsuccessful in that mission he did not go away empty-handed. Knowing that Afghan elders have for years tried to make their national pastime of Buzkashi an Olympic sport, he negotiated a deal where it is to be included in the 2012 summer Olympics in London. Obama's success in achieving this is expected to lend great strength and prestige to the fledging Afghan government and their American allies.

Little is known in the west about the fascinating sport of Buzkashi. It is played by two teams of horseman. Each team tries to grab a decapitated animal carcass and throw it across a goal line, while the other team tries to prevent it. The sport is enjoyed in several middle eastern and far eastern countries, although there are regional variations in the rules.

One of the first tasks of the IOC is to decide which animal carcass is to be used (goat and calf are both popular) and whether the other limbs will be kept intact during play or also removed. The animal rights organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is expected to protest any decision.  Some forms of the sport are more physical and allow players to strike or whip one another during play, another area the Committee must examine.  PETA is not expected to protest this decision.

Another concern of the committee is how many countries will be able to field a team.  So far only Afghanistan and Jamaica have signed on, with several other countries expressing interest.