Tea Party Protests Blamed on Dark Energy

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Researchers have linked "dark energy", the mysterious substance that scientists believe is causing the universe to expand faster than expected, to the recent phenomenon of Tea Party protests.

The Tea Parties have occurred spontaneously every couple months in different parts of the US, and involve thousands or tens of thousands of ordinary citizens who don't have time to demonstrate against unpopular policies because of other responsibilities, such as work and family.  At a recent Tea Party in Washington, DC, an unnamed protestor talked about the odd circumstances involved in their protesting experience, "A strange force suddenly compelled me to take to the streets and speak out against our immense, incompetent government and its horrid policies.  I didn't want to do it.  I have better things to do than come shiver out here at the steps of the Capital, holding a sign and chanting.  However, I was forced to come!  ...I was forced to come."

The Hell Gazette interviewed several protestors at a recent rally against the massive Health Care Bill making its way through the legislature and found the same answer: an inexplicable force was drawing these busy, productive people out of their homes and causing them to make vocal, public protests.

Dr. Phillip Morrison, Head of Research at Mount Wilson Observatory, is concerned about the power of the protests, "We theorize that eventually dark energy will tear the universe apart, as opposing forces refuse to yield to its will.  We can only hope that doesn't happen with the Federal Government."