January 31, 2010

Biggest Loser: Capital Edition

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Americans can now watch bloated legislative bills compete as they slim down with the premier of Biggest Loser: Capital Edition.  The show, which was originally going to be broadcast on CSPAN, will premier instead on NBC in Fall 2010.

The show is hosted by the venerable US Constitution, which although more than 200 years old still weighs in at a svelte 4 pages, and will feature proposed legislation competing in a race to "lose the pages."  The initial season includes several well-known contestants including "Cap and Trade" (900+ pages) and "Socialized Health Care" (2000+ pages).

A spokesman for NBC said "All of America  will be cheering these hard-working contestants on as they try to get more compact, trimming off pages and pages of fat during the course of the season.  Hopefully, this will inspire the next generation of bills to cultivate good governing habits from the outset, rather than trying to play catchup after they've grown to an unwieldy and unhealthy size."

January 28, 2010

Home Obamanomics Classes Gaining Popularity

PRINCETON, NJ -- Like most things from the 1950s and 1940s, the "Home Economics" classes taught in American High Schools were racist, sexist, and homophobic. The classes taught young ladies the basics of running a household and managing family finances, with a focus on hard work and living within one's means. Luckily for this country, their popularity has waned dramatically since then, replaced by more practical classes in art, volunteering, and diversity.

One far-sighted Princeton Professor is working to revive the concept, but with a modern twist. He is pushing a version of these classes inspired by President Obama's vision of "Government-side" economics, called "Home Obamanomics". Dr. Ralph Sliprie, author of the popular book "The Personal Responsibility Myth: Why You Can't Be Blamed For Your Actions", has been quietly meeting with enthusiastic High School administrators around the country, explaining his innovative ideas and helping them create curricula around them.

Dr. Sliprie explained why these classes are necessary, "Americans used to have this idea that the family was the basic unit of society, with mothers acting as the bedrock foundation and most important piece of that: teaching, guiding, and protecting.  Despite efforts to erase it, the notion persisted that mothers and fathers had different sets of skills and together they formed more than the sum of the parts.  However, most educated people know that government and pop culture are really the pillars our culture rests on and that instant gratification of urges and desires should override everything else.  Unfortunately, a few folks still believe in the anachronistic 'traditional family': father / mother / children.  It's especially sad for the children in these situations and something I've devoted my life to fixing."

His goal is to instill "updated" values in the nation's youth such as bailouts for failure, spending your way out of debt, services provided by a generous and benevolent Federal Government, and the "warm glow" that arises from having union dues automatically deducted from your paycheck "in the event your life choices happen to include working."

The classes will walk students through scenarios they might encounter in real life, and prescribe the best way to handle such things.  "For example," says Dr. Sliprie, "we all have bills due at the end of the month.  This class teaches you the practical life lesson of how to apply for government assistance to pay those bills.  Or how to petition the utility company to reduce your payments, because you are in debt, out of work, or just deserve it.  As extra credit, students can demonstrate publicly against private utility companies and press for government takeover of these things.  That way no one has to pay for it!"

January 27, 2010

"Bailout Smackdown" to be Proposed in State of the Union



WASHINGTON, DC -- President Obama will reportedly propose a new way to revive the economy this evening: Companies still owing bailout funds must send their leaders to a "no holds barred" steel cage match wrestling tournament to be held in Las Vegas, NV. The match-up will be shown on pay-per-view TV and internet and the winning corporation will have its debt forgiven. All proceeds will be placed in a slush fund for Congress to use "as it sees fit." The administration's unprecedented plan was leaked early Wednesday morning, and will be the centerpiece of his upcoming State of the Union address.

The President's staff has been scrambling for new ideas following the loss of the Ted Kennedy Memorial Senate Seat, and many felt this concept would "resonate with the people."  Bloggers were supportive, with one noting "We the people - and our children - have paid billions to bail these guys out. At least they could provide a little entertainment for us."

The Hell Gazette contacted several CEOs, many of whom liked the idea. Some appeared to let their competitive streak overcome their normally placid demeanors: frothing at the mouth in anticipation and attempting to intimidate potential opponents. An unnamed insurance company executive wearing a black leather mask was quoted as saying "I'm gonna take Whitacre apart - I'm gonna destroy him", referring to General Motor's new CEO, Ed Whitacre Jr.

The average age of the participants is 68, and the plan calls for a large staff of doctors and technicians to be on hand for the event. "The injuries this event should produce will provide not only good entertainment, but stimulus to the health care industry in the form of joint replacements and medicines. This is yet another benefit," the staffer added.

The Int'l Space Station's Plumber


HOUSTON, TX -- What do you do when you have a clogged toilet 220 miles from earth? You call Herman Plunck, "space plumber"! The terrestrial owner of Plunck's Plumbing in Houston has been working with NASA since repairing the latrine in Skylab in 1974.

Mr. Plunck explains how - with no prior flight experience - he was chosen to be NASA's unofficial plumbing contractor, "Well, in '74 they put the contract out for terlet [toilet] repairs as some kind of sub-contract for something else. Something bigger, jets or some such, don't remember. Anyhow, they needed to have a small business represented because of this here small business regulation. My cousin heard 'bout it and was funning with me one night after work, said I should submit a proposal. I did. I got that one, and the government contract officers say it's easier just to keep going with the same contractor, what with the paperwork and all."


He has made 4 spaceflights, including that first one. "Over the years I've fixed clogged sinks, stuck terlets, showers - all kinds of stuff up there" he says, pointing skyward. "I even have special space tools that the government bought for me" he states, gesturing toward a bag containing what appear to be ordinary plumbing tools spray-painted silver.

While Mr. Plunck only gets called every 10 years or so, he does his best to keep in shape in between flights, "I chase my dog.  Mostly when he grabs the remote and runs off. Durn dog."

January 26, 2010

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January 25, 2010

Air America Bankrupt / Owners Switch Political Parties

NEW YORK, NY -- Left-wing radio station Air America Media closed up shop last week, ending a rocky, unprofitable 6 year run that investors called "worse than Fannie Mae."  The real news, however, is that of the 7 owners of the company, 6 have changed political outlook and now consider themselves "conservative."  The 7th committed suicide.

The remaining owners, who are trying to keep the defections secret in order to continue friendships with "the cool kids", gave several reasons why they now believe that a smaller, less intrusive government is the best possible political system.  "We'd never run a business before, and we figured out pretty quick it is hard work and not as easy as you might think.  Having the FCC, IRS, EPA, and a hundred other government regulators breathing down your neck about everything makes that job a hundred times worse.  After we figured out that government is usually the problem - not the solution - it was a pretty awful feeling listening to our programming, and realizing it was a bunch of nonsense.  It felt like we were living a lie."  Living that lie is the suspected reason for the suicide of the 7th owner, whose cryptic bedside note said only "Rush is Right."

When asked whether another left-wing radio network will appear to replace Air America, the owners sounded pessimistic "I doubt it.  We tried to target the folks that appreciate the hard-hitting journalism of Jon Stewart and Katie Couric.  Unfortunately, very few of them would switch the radio dial off Howard Stern.  And to be honest, when they did switch there wasn't much to listen to anyway - towards the end, we found it easier and less expensive to just keep looping the hosts braying 'Dems are Good, Tea Bags Bad' for the better part of the day.  None of our listeners could tell the difference."

January 20, 2010

Al Qaeda Offers Aid to Haiti

UNKNOWN LOCATION -- Al Qaeda offered assistance to Haiti today, saying they could provide weapons and hatred. An unnamed spokesman in a black ski mask stated "we would love to help our infidel brothers by supplying either one or both." They proposed working with either the French Government or the United Nations to get the supplies where they are needed most, but stipulated they would not work with the US Army under any conditions. The grainy recording of the offer surfaced in a known terrorist chat room yesterday and has since been authenticated by the CIA.

Although Al Qaeda considers itself a government-in-exile of all of humanity, this is the first known instance of them offering humanitarian assistance.  The organization produces death, destruction, and hatred, but indicated they only wanted to supply hatred at this time, since "Haiti seems to be well stocked with death and destruction right now." They did not rule out offering either in the future, if needed.

A UN Security Council spokesperson confirmed approval of the proposal using the new Terrorist / Despot Fast-track Approval Process (TD-FAP) and pledged assistance with "moving these needed supplies as quickly as possible to the afflicted region."

January 19, 2010

Bush "Pre-Blamed" for Possible Loss of Kennedy Senate Seat

BOSTON, MA -- Former US President Bush has been blamed for an anticipated Senate seat loss by candidate Martha Coakley's staff as voting continued in this important election.  A tired election worker stated "Like everything else that has gone wrong in the last decade or so, this calamity can be traced back to the last occupant of the White House.  I can't even say his name I despise him so much."

The campaign worker also implicated journalistic outlets in the potential tragedy.  "They've been digging into Martha's past work as a prosecutor and all sorts of stuff," he scoffed, "as if how she has acted in the past is any indication of her character or how she'll act as a Senator."  He went on to cite heavy reporting of the campaign's hip-checking of reporters and verbal gaffes.  "Senator Kennedy never got this kind of scrutiny" he said indignantly.

The race in Massachusetts has generated national interest and been cast by some as a referendum on President Obama's leadership of the country.  In an attempt to counteract "Bush's continued attempts to defeat me", the President himself campaigned recently on Coakley's behalf.  In addition, he has loaned campaign workers and reportedly allowed her to use his lucky Teleprompter.

The race is still undecided at this time, with polls closing at 8pm (Eastern) today and legal challenges continuing into late summer.
UPDATE: Brown wins election!

January 18, 2010

US Gov't Reintroduces Segregation

WASHINGTON, DC -- As Congress has debated health care legislation, many assumed that the Republican party was being excluded from the debate solely as a political power grab.  It was announced today, however, that a new government policy of segregation is driving the exclusion of one side from the debate, not a desire to force further government control over people's lives and finances.

Representatives of House and Senate leaders made the joint announcement this morning, "in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King's memory."  Dr. King's legacy has been claimed by Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton, both of whom support "this form of segregation."

A spokesperson for the Republican Party said they decried this new policy and have "a dream" that one day both parties may work together on legislation.

January 15, 2010

Code Pink Protests US Military Presence in Haiti

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI -- Code Pink activist Jennifer "JenJen" Nichols is hoarse after screaming "NO US MILITARY IN HAITI" for 3 hours straight at soldiers this morning, in a city devastated by a massive earthquake.  President Obama has pledged $100M, at least 6000 Soldiers and Marines, and a small fleet of Navy Vessels to help this poor island nation deal with the catastrophe.  It is the last two parts of that pledge that brought 14 Code Pink protestors here.

Moonbeam Sunshine, born Amy Edwards, is the leader of the small group and gave this statement while sipping a latte, "We oppose the US Military in Iraq.  We oppose it in Afghanistan.  We oppose it anywhere it goes."  Her small group of supporters cheered loudly as she finished in a crescendo, while shaking her fist "We just oppose, oppose, oppose!"

Ms. Sunshine went on to explain how this trip "is so much better than our Hamas support trip to Gaza.  The food is better, and we're able to see more of the city's night life."

January 14, 2010

Iranian Game Shows Brought to US

NEW YORK CITY, NY – NBC Universal announced today it will be bringing popular Iranian game shows to the US, including such hits as “Lose the Point / Lose a Hand!” and “The Price of the Wife is Right.”  NBC said they would launch a new channel called “Game Shozeera” to air the shows during the day and compete with “the tired old fare we usually see.”

The shows, which are completely in Arabic, will be subtitled in English for the US market.   European affiliates would receive dubbed versions for the handful of non-Arabic languages still spoken there.
Journalists were given an advanced screening of “Islamic Jeopardy”, which featured categories such as “90’s Fatwas” and “Famous Mohammeds.”
A representative also discussed starting a channel for Saudi Arabian reality shows, which are becoming increasingly popular in the Middle Eastern region as well.  NBC is reportedly nearing a deal on “Wives Swap”, in which prosperous Muslim males swap some or all of their wives.

January 13, 2010

Readers Write: Thank You, Commoners

Dear Mr. Circenses, et al,

I am the head of a large financial firm that specializes in mortgage holdings.  I would like to give a faithful narrative of my part in the financial scandal and chaos preceding the last election.

The cause of all of it is companies like mine, which thrust loans upon innocent and honest folks, knowing full well that they could never pay us back.  This is the fruit of machinations we in Big Business started in the 1990s to become even more fabulously wealthy than we already are.  I'll lay out the scheme here (You can find more details at MS-NBC or in popular documentaries).

1. Force mortgages on people who have no way to pay them back
2. Make people renege on the loans, moving their flat panel TVs and gaming systems to rental properties
3. Take possession of many, many houses
4. Sell those houses at a loss, after repairing them and paying to maintain them for months or years
5. Get blamed for the entire fiasco

First, I'd like to thank the many 'little people' out there who have helped make this plan a reality.

Second, you'll notice that government interference is not required anywhere.  We should have been suspicious this spring when a lackey for our overwrought President appeared in my plush office and offered “Free Government Money, no strings attached!”  Since faceless government bureaucrats are above reproach, I believed him, as did many of my Big Business conspirators.  We soon discovered we had been duped.

My company repaid the loans, with interest, when we realized how noisome our new creditors were.  It is one thing to have an overbearing landlord with his sundry rules and regulations.  It is quite another to have him move right into your house with you, directing your every move: at what temperature to keep the caviar, which currency makes the best kindling for starting fires (most educated people know it is General Grant's image which burns the brightest), and so on.  Most distressing.

I would again like to thank everyone involved for our continued success - except the government which continues their attempt to thwart our plans. With any luck, the next election will bring another party into power, more amenable to manipulation.

Most Sincerely Yours,
Clifton Montechuex III (Manhattan, NY)

January 12, 2010

Obama's "Rush to Judgement" Advisor

WASHINGTON, DC -- Obama's speeches always contain soaring rhetoric and sound bite-ready turns of phrase.  They also sometimes contain instructions to Americans about when we should be rushing to judgment and when we shouldn't.  Junior speechwriter Jonathan Goldstein is responsible for determining when judgment should be rushed and when it shouldn't be.  The Hell Gazette sat down with Mr. Goldstein at his home office this week to discuss this key position.

HG: Mr. Goldstein, you perform an important job for the President, don't you?
Goldstein: For the nation, actually.  If it weren't for my instructions - passed through the Commander-In-Chief, of course - people might judge when they aren't supposed to, or might not judge when they should.  I have to get both right, since both are dangerous situations.
HG: Can you provide some examples of each in the past?
Goldstein: Sure. This past summer there was a good example of when we should have been rushing to judgment: the President's kindly friend was arrested by an obviously racist police officer.  We definitely got that one right, as did a lot of folks in the press.
On the other hand, after the man-made disaster in Ft. Hood, we took care to caution people there.  Some folks thought right away it might have been a terrorist attack since it was a radical Muslim shooting innocent people while chanting "Praise to Allah".  We wouldn't have wanted people to jump to conclusions before all the facts were uncovered.  We still aren't sure that was terrorism, and it has been months now.
HG: It seems that we are warned against jumping to conclusions more often than we are instructed to rush to judgment.  Any reason why?
Goldstein: Well, our nation is run by lawyers, for one - they usually want to caution people to get all the facts on a case as a general rule.  Unless, of course, getting all the facts would hurt their case! [laughs]
Seriously, though, I think people in this country are too quick to judge as a general rule.  Except cases where bigotry is suspected - then we need to be very quick to judge and very quick to act. [makes stomping motion with feet]
HG: How about recent events: Harry Reid's remarks or the "pantie-bomber"?  Any guidance for folks there?
Goldstein: I'll give the same advice the President did about Mr. Abdulmutallab: that is a clear "do not rush to judgment" situation.  He is still only a suspect in a criminal case, after all.  As for Mr. Reid's remarks, it may seem counter-intuitive, but we need to be judicious there.  We wouldn't want to label someone a "racist" and ruin their career in what might have been a big misunderstanding, after all.

January 11, 2010

Reid Says "Definition of 'Racism' has changed since 2002"

WASHINGTON, DC -- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has stated that the definition of the word "racism" has changed since 2002, when a predecessor of his was ousted over politically incorrect language.  Senator Reid is embroiled in a minor controversy, similar to Senator Trent Lott's troubles in 2002, involving words that may have implied a disparagement of a non-Asian racial minority.  Reid explained today in a press conference that "racism is not as much of an issue today as it was back in the Jim Crow days of 2002 because we now live in a post-racial world."

He went on to state that the election of an African-American President has fundamentally changed the definition of the word "racism".  He provided documentation from the 2002 Official US Senate dictionary and the most recent version, reprinted here:

(2002) racism, noun: a belief by any US Senator that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race

(2010) racism, noun: a belief by any Republican US Senator that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race

The dictionaries are released by the Senate Definitions Subcommittee, usually controlled by the majority party.

He further expressed hope that this could all be resolved by drinking a beer with President Obama to "put this whole thing behind us and forget about it.  ...or at least get the press to stop writing about it."

January 8, 2010

Congress Repeals Law of Supply and Demand

WASHINGTON, DC -- Congress plans to continue the task of dismantling economics regulations by repealing "broken legislation" such as the Law of Supply and Demand and the Law of Diminishing Returns in an attempt to get the US economy growing again.

Leaders of the House and Senate met this week to discuss how best to proceed with the work of ridding the US of "laws based on a flawed view of human nature."  A staffer for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid spoke with journalists this morning about the plans for 2010 "A lot of these laws are based on principles from a really old book by some guy named Adam Smith.  Our country has operated on these principles, more or less, for the last 200 years.  We've steadily been been rolling them back and made a lot of progress in the 1930s and 1970s, but every few election cycles we lose a little ground which then has to be made up.  With the current control we have in all branches of federal government, this is an excellent chance to really move away from this whole 'free market' idea."

The staffer went on  to explain how the world is now in agreement that the best system is one based on a large, benevolent government which decides how all markets should operate "for the good of all."  After citing many economists that support this view and use government grants to write papers proving it, he continued "People should think of the government as a big bear.  That is, a cuddly, friendly teddy-bear type creature."  He added hastily, "With teeth and claws, of course."

January 7, 2010

Terrorists May Know About "Post-emptive" Security Policy After Leak

PENTAGON CITY, VA -- The Transportation Security Administration announced today that its confidential policy handbook for top-level leadership was leaked to the internet days ago.  TSA Officials fear that a leaked policy manual with important guidance such as "doing something makes people feel safer than doing nothing and is the recommended course of action, even if the efforts merely waste time with no real security benefit" may provide information for US enemies to exploit.

The manual contains a wealth of inside information about US security, such as the official policy of vigorously reacting to new methods of attack after they happen.  A TSA staffer, who asked not to be named, said "This key policy - which we proudly call 'closing the barn door after the livestock has escaped' - has helped to protect travelers since 9/11.  After the shoe bomber, we started taking a look at shoes.  After the terrorists tried liquids and gels, we started banning those.  Now, after this Christmas Day attack, we're going to prevent an exact duplicate of that attack from ever happening again by keeping people in their seats at certain times, taking away blankets, etc.  Every time they come up with something new, we spring into post-emptive action, preventing them using it a second time.  It's like a game of tennis, except we always let them serve.  Since the leak of this important secret, though, we'll have to think up something else."

Other important and damaging information was contained in the manual as well, such as the priorities to be used when crafting new security processes; "from the higher-level perspective, offending a minority group is much worse than losing a plane or two" and "Inconveniencing and delaying law-abiding citizens is usually a last consideration, given all other factors.  The amount of time people must wait in the airport or the intrusiveness of security measures need not be considered at all."

January 6, 2010

Typhus Bacteria Put on Endangered Species List

GLAND, SWITZERLAND -- The Rickettsia Bacteria, which causes Typhus in humans, was officially placed on the Endangered Species List this week, as conservationists stated that "help was urgently needed for this noble parasite to survive."  Citing the extinction of the smallpox-causing Variola major and Variola minor viruses, a spokesperson for the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) noted that "humans act as if they can do whatever they like to other living creatures in this world."

"Only by taking action can we help this bacteria reclaim the greatness and majesty it once held in the world," stated Dr. Johann Strumm, spokesperson for the IUCN.  "Together we can and will make a difference in the lives of many."

He recommended that a strategy of "shaky or misrepresented science combined with scare tactics" be used and pointed to its successful application in a variety of environmental fields.  He further highlighted the resurgence of the Plasmodium parasite, which causes malaria, by reducing the use of certain pesticides through lawsuits and political pressure.  "Here was a good example of using questionable claims of environmental impact to directly cause tens of millions more successful malaria infections, thereby ensuring the continued survival of these beautiful and unique creatures."

January 5, 2010

Gloomy President Comments on 2009 "Lowlights"

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Barack Obama conceded in an interview today that "it turns out we are not the ones we've been waiting for."  A visibly aged Obama seemed crestfallen at the admission, but expressed that he wants to "gut it out for the last 3 years anyhow."

The President's wide-ranging interview with the Hell Gazette displayed a gray and melancholy president who only one year ago was ready to take office with gusto.  Overall, he seemed disgusted that "rhetoric alone can't solve problems" and added "wouldn't the world be a better place if it could?"

He is haunted by what he repeatedly called the "lowlights" of 2009:
  • His admission that fiscal responsibility might be necessary on the part of the Government "I'm willing to give up my Teleprompters and replace them with a cue card guy, if that would help."
  • Rebuked peace offerings to glamorous dictators in Iran and Venezuela "I won't name names, but I really thought these guys were my friends."
  • Two high profile terror attacks and several lower profile attempts "I've apologized for practically everything about America, what more do these people want?"
  • His inability to pull out of either Afghanistan or Guantanamo Bay "It just sounds so easy when you read the Huffington Post."
  • Unemployment that increased significantly despite spending billions on stimulus efforts "We've been taking money from companies, citizens, and our kids and giving it to political allies through massive pork spending.  The pork is basically fat, which is burned as a type of economic fuel.  Shouldn't the burning of all that fuel bring unemployment back down?  I just don't get why that isn't working."
He noted with some sadness how he wishes he "had just kept organizing communities and criticizing those running the country instead of trying to run it myself.  That was so much easier."  He added with despair, "To make matters worse, I don't have as much time for golf.  I've lost 4 strokes on my average."  Family members denied that he is being watched by the Secret Service for signs that he may try to harm himself, but confirmed he has been smoking "a lot more".

January 4, 2010

Baby New Year Blames Predecessor

NEW YORK, NY -- In a sometimes rambling facebook rant, Baby New Year 2010 indicated she would not accept responsibility for "all of the problems from 2009."  New Years don't typically criticize the outgoing year, out of respect for the often much older looking year.

The facebook post indicated that "09 is the cause of the probs [sic] - dont [sic] look here cause [sic] u [sic] wont [sic] see me yo [sic]".  Twitter entries made days after the posting dispel the rumor that Baby New Year 2010 - who apparently prefers to be called BNY10 - accidentally sent the original post or wasn't clear-minded when it was written.  The facebook post listed several things it feels will cause problems in 2010: "makin [sic] nice wit [sic] fascists / makin [sic] folks buy hc [editor's note: this probably refers to health care] / putting terrorists on trial in ny / unemployment @ 10 / the list goes on"

2009 has been contacted by the Hell Gazette, but declined to comment on the incident.