Smithsonian Changes Course, Will Offend All Religions

WASHINGTON, DC -- The National Portrait Gallery, a federally funded museum of the Smithsonian Institution, has abruptly reversed its decision to stop displaying portions of an artistic exhibition featuring an ant-covered crucifix.  The museum now intends to expand that display and rename it "Celebrating World Religions: Sickening Images and Repulsive Ideas."

The exhibit that sparked a public outcry by denigrating a symbol of Jesus Christ, whom some Christians believe to be the savior of all mankind and the son of God, will be put back on display around April, in time for the Christian holiday of Easter.

Mr. Andre Poofley, the Curator of Offensive and Scatological Art at the Smithsonian, responded to questions about the change in direction today and stated "We're embarking on a new artistic policy and we're not kowtowing anymore to religious groups and their narrow-minded prejudices. To show how open-minded and tolerant we are in comparison, we intend to offend all the major religions." He went on to explain that the new exhibit would be going on for the rest of the year and would seek to mock and ridicule every major religion around their holy days.  "Christians, Hindus, Muslims, and Buddhists - get ready to be angry!" he went on to say.  Additional security measures will be in place during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, a museum official later added.

Mr. Poofley concluded the press conference with a brief tour and closing remarks, "People - non-artists - write me letters all the time saying this style of art is deliberately controversial, and that these artists are crass, attention-seeking swindlers with no talent.  Well, that just isn't true.  These are talented, thoughtful, and hard-working craftsman with something important to say.  Anyone who sees our first tour stop is sure to be convinced of that.  It is called 'partially-chewed food smeared on a white canvas.'"

UPDATE: Islam NOT Offended by Cartoon

Editor's note: The following article has been updated with breaking news, noted throughout by bold and strike-through text as an aid for readers who may have read the previous version of the article, which was released before final editing.
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- The religion of Islam has not been offended for the fourth time in recent decades, as Comedy Central's hit show South Park will show a cartoon depiction of Mohammed allow characters in the show to talk about Mohammed air a new episode that was originally to contain something that might have referenced Mohammed.

This would have marked marks the fourth time that Islam has been offended since the 1970s, the previous being the novel The Satanic Verses, the movie Submission, and a political cartoon depicting Mohammed shown with a bomb in his turban.  All previous offenses resulted in the murder or attempted murder of the offenders.

The edgy controversial adult cartoon South Park previously agreed to self-censor itself in 2006 by not showing Mohammed's cartoon image as originally planned. This time, again however, the show's creators prevailed and Comedy Central bravely decided declined to allow Mohammed to be discussed on the show as a part of an organized religion "three-fer" insult.  During the episode, Christianity is insulted, then Buddhism, then Islam in a comedic triple-play double-play.

Free speech enthusiasts throughout the United States and around the world applauded the courage of the network to stand up to bullying by free speech enthusiasts Islamists, and noted that this could be the start of a change in Western popular culture, which currently treats Islam differently when it comes to censorship by giving in to all threats. Award-winning journalist Jon Stewart, also of Comedy Central, noted with pride "this is similar to Winston Churchill finally standing up to the Nazis during World War II - I am proud to be a part of this network." "This is similar to how Neville Chamberlain wisely chose to allow Nazi Germany a few limited concessions prior to World War II, which nearly spared the world a horrific war.  I am proud to be a part of this network."

Congress Mulls Windfall Tax on TV Stars

WASHINGTON, DC -- "Anchors, Actors, and Activists" will be targeted for the latest round of windfall taxes, according to beltway insiders.  "These folks are living it up while average people are practically starving in the streets," stated one staffer, who asked not to be named because he was not authorized to speak to the media.

A bill currently being worked on in secret and reportedly called "Punish The Non-productive Rich" will place special windfall taxes on people that make their living in the entertainment, news, and activism professions and bring in more than $10 million per year. Also targeted will be professional celebrities who don't appear to even be "entertainers" in the traditional sense. The taxes will amount to 95% of earnings, using the logic "They should be able to get by on what we pay the president to keep us entertained."

A spokeswoman for the League of Energized, Effective Citizens for Hope, a Hollywood-based think tank, disagreed that these "drastic measures" would help and stated angrily "These people aren't like rich bankers, merchants, and entrepreneurs - they genuinely care about people. They want to help others - many donate their time to worthy causes, you know." She continued "Besides, this punishes not only rich stars, but the many people they employ. I hope congress will be satisfied when a small army of hair stylists, fashion designers, massage therapists, and manicurists join the rolls of the unemployed."

Biggest Loser: Capital Edition

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Americans can now watch bloated legislative bills compete as they slim down with the premier of Biggest Loser: Capital Edition.  The show, which was originally going to be broadcast on CSPAN, will premier instead on NBC in Fall 2010.

The show is hosted by the venerable US Constitution, which although more than 200 years old still weighs in at a svelte 4 pages, and will feature proposed legislation competing in a race to "lose the pages."  The initial season includes several well-known contestants including "Cap and Trade" (900+ pages) and "Socialized Health Care" (2000+ pages).

A spokesman for NBC said "All of America  will be cheering these hard-working contestants on as they try to get more compact, trimming off pages and pages of fat during the course of the season.  Hopefully, this will inspire the next generation of bills to cultivate good governing habits from the outset, rather than trying to play catchup after they've grown to an unwieldy and unhealthy size."

"Bailout Smackdown" to be Proposed in State of the Union

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Obama will reportedly propose a new way to revive the economy this evening: Companies still owing bailout funds must send their leaders to a "no holds barred" steel cage match wrestling tournament to be held in Las Vegas, NV. The match-up will be shown on pay-per-view TV and internet and the winning corporation will have its debt forgiven. All proceeds will be placed in a slush fund for Congress to use "as it sees fit." The administration's unprecedented plan was leaked early Wednesday morning, and will be the centerpiece of his upcoming State of the Union address.

The President's staff has been scrambling for new ideas following the loss of the Ted Kennedy Memorial Senate Seat, and many felt this concept would "resonate with the people."  Bloggers were supportive, with one noting "We the people - and our children - have paid billions to bail these guys out. At least they could provide a little entertainment for us."

The Hell Gazette contacted several CEOs, many of whom liked the idea. Some appeared to let their competitive streak overcome their normally placid demeanors: frothing at the mouth in anticipation and attempting to intimidate potential opponents. An unnamed insurance company executive wearing a black leather mask was quoted as saying "I'm gonna take Whitacre apart - I'm gonna destroy him", referring to General Motor's new CEO, Ed Whitacre Jr.

The average age of the participants is 68, and the plan calls for a large staff of doctors and technicians to be on hand for the event. "The injuries this event should produce will provide not only good entertainment, but stimulus to the health care industry in the form of joint replacements and medicines. This is yet another benefit," the staffer added.

Iranian Game Shows Brought to US

NEW YORK CITY, NY – NBC Universal announced today it will be bringing popular Iranian game shows to the US, including such hits as “Lose the Point / Lose a Hand!” and “The Price of the Wife is Right.”  NBC said they would launch a new channel called “Game Shozeera” to air the shows during the day and compete with “the tired old fare we usually see.”

The shows, which are completely in Arabic, will be subtitled in English for the US market.   European affiliates would receive dubbed versions for the handful of non-Arabic languages still spoken there.

Journalists were given an advanced screening of “Islamic Jeopardy”, which featured categories such as “90’s Fatwas” and “Famous Mohammeds.”

A representative also discussed starting a channel for Saudi Arabian reality shows, which are becoming increasingly popular in the Middle Eastern region as well.  NBC is reportedly nearing a deal on “Wives Swap”, in which prosperous Muslim males swap some or all of their wives.

Dr. Phil Asked to Take 911 Calls

NASHVILLE, TN -- The head of the Fraternal Order of Police has officially requested that Dr. Phil McGraw, a popular former psychologist and talk show host, start taking calls from some 911 callers.  Citing recent cases of spurious 911 calls in Texas and Massachusetts, the organization is concerned that many people expect the police to handle non-emergencies which have traditionally been worked out on daytime television.

The plan advocates directing "certain" callers to Dr. Phil for remediation and is estimated to save hundreds of lives and millions of dollars annually as police call centers and officers are used more effectively.  An additional, related proposal involves offloading some civil cases to Judge Judy.

D.C. Fashion Maven Makes 2010 Predictions

WASHINGTON, DC -- Fashionista Gina "China" D'Angelo has for years correctly predicted what was going to be popular with the Washington Press Corps.  In late December of every year, she publishes her much-anticipated predictions for the next year as a list called "What's In / What's Out in DC".

It was she who correctly predicted that the Iraq War would go from "overwhelmingly popular" to "quagmire" in the press around 2004.  She spotted the trend away from the praise of "bi-partisanship" the last few years to the "bitter divides" this past year as some in government started blaming their "principles" for not helping out on health care reform.  "Disenfranchised voters" went from major stories in 2000 and 2004 to nary a peep in 2008 - again, she called it.

Reporters in Washington and many cable news anchors watch her predictions closely to make sure they are keeping up with the latest styles.  Does this scrutiny make her worry that perhaps one year she'll get it wrong?  She playfully tosses her head, "I haven't gotten it wrong yet.  To some folks it might be baffling how I'm almost always correct about this stuff, but I've noticed an overall trend that makes it easy for me to make these predictions."

WTFO Moving HQ To LA

CHICAGO, IL -- The activist group Women Thinking From Oprah (WTFO) intends to move its Headquarters to Los Angeles by 2011, following Oprah Winfrey's plans to do the same.  This national coalition of women who think and act in accordance with Oprah boasts membership of about 4 million.

The WTFO President, Ms. Susan Clemmer of Chicago, gave a summary of the group history and mission, "We think she's great and we try to do everything she does or says.  We buy all of her Book Club books.  We watch her shows, we read O magazine - we just love her."  That love goes deeper than just watching for most members, she admits.  "Well, yeah, those of us dedicated to WTFO tend to adore her more than just regular 'fans'.  If she cries, we cry.  If she is for Obama, we're for Obama.  When she came on the show after losing all that weight, many of us were dragging wheelbarrows of animal fat around for weeks," she laughs.  "Actually, we sometimes cry for no reason at all," she adds quietly.

The group - which used to call itself Women Who Do What Oprah Says And Think Just Like She Does (WWDWOSATJLSD), but changed their name after a gentle suggestion from "O" herself - prides itself on its staying power and plans to be around for their idol, no matter what she plans to do next.  "She's our guiding star - we don't know what we'd do without her" Ms. Clemmer says with simple smile.