May 15, 2012

Economic Good News: Hate and Violence Production Up

Washington, DC – Further signs of the long-awaited US recovery were noted today by the US Department of Commerce, as the Hate Production and Racial Violence categories of the manufacturing sector showed strong year over year improvement.  According to the commerce website www.manufacturing.gov, the production of Hate is up 326% from this time last year.  Racial Violence has also shown strong recovery, with the subcategory of “Black Mobs Attacking Whites” leading the way, up 264% in that same time period.
Experts in the field can’t point to an exact cause, but agree that some credit goes to the Trayvon Martin incident.  Manufacturing expert Dr. Greg Portabano, of the University of Oregon, noted in an interview “The media and the race hustlers like (the Reverend Al) Sharpton, (the Reverend Jesse) Jackson, and the Black Panthers get a partial assist on this, since they really brought things to a fever pitch out there.  Saying white people are racist, white people are the cause of all the problems in the black community –the hyperbole, exaggeration, and outright lies have really helped the US produce some Hate.  You are seeing sections of the country now that don’t typically produce a lot of Hate really stepping up their game.  The increase in Violence and Crime are just added bonuses, although economists have noted for years that correlations exist between these economic sectors.  Mustn’t forget to give a lot of credit to the President and his Justice Department, who have done everything they can to help move this along.”
It is hoped that this increase in US Manufacturing will keep gaining steam and eventually cause companies to increase hiring.  Dr. Portabano feels this will happen.  “I am convinced this will help get people back to work – more hospital staff, nurses, and technicians will be needed.  A lot of long term rehab will be needed to get the victims put back together, in addition to surgeries to reconstruct faces and appendages.  You have the increased spending on medical supplies and equipment.  There is the supply side to think of, too: more police, prison guards, and EMTs.  Not to be too crass about it, but I just hope all this comes to pass in time for people to give President Obama the credit that he deserves at poll time in November.”

May 8, 2012

"Occupy Pro Sports" Movement Gains Steam

Bronx, NY -- Outside Yankee Stadium, the hundred or so "Occupy Pro Sports" protesters aren't afraid of a little rain.  However, some of them are afraid of the ball.  "I flinch and close my eyes every time the ball is thrown," says Paul Sillentri who lives near the stadium.  He plays softball twice a week, but his batting average "is so low, it's in the noise of a typical 3 digit batting average."   He admits it is officially listed as "zero" in both leagues, even though it is slightly higher.  "I usually bunt successfully once a season or so.  When people talk about the 99% of athletes in the world - I'm definitely one them."

The "Occupy Pro Sports" movement has been taking off since it was officially kicked off last month by a group calling themselves "Terrible Basketball Players United."  The group's demands were muddled at first - everything from publicly funded athletic instruction to limb amputation of extremely gifted sports stars - but have started to coalesce recently.  A webpage calling itself the Official Occupy Pro Sports site now lists the following demands (reprinted with permission):

1. Congressional grilling of 1%ers: all professional athletes who are too good and dominate their sport need to be punished and publicly humiliated.
2. Open tryouts for ANYONE who wants to make ANY professional sports team.  The Federal Government must regulate and oversee these tryouts to ensure fairness.
3. Government created and managed professional sports leagues for the 99%, funded by steep taxes on the existing non-government leagues.

The loosely affiliated "OPS" movements around the country are hoping to induce government action by harassing fans and vandalizing stadiums and rinks around the country.  In Cleveland this week, a mob of hostile protestors jeered and taunted Cleveland Indian players as they attempted to enter the stadium for an afternoon practice.  Several attempted to throw water bottles and trash at the athletes but had such poor aim no players were ever in any danger.  In another incident, three occupiers wearing skates and "We Are The 99%" t-shirts jumped on ice during an NHL playoff game in New Jersey but couldn't outskate the team's mascot and were quickly apprehended.  Several other stadiums have seen scratched and marred statuary where occupy mobs lacked the strength to pull them down.

Self-appointed OPS spokesperson Van Jones, who served briefly as a presidential cabinet appointee in 2009 but is more famously known as "the worst golfer Obama ever met", said "these events were actually successes because they bring infamy and attention to the OPS movement."  He went on to list several other occurrences and stated there are at least 29 "Occupy" groups in major cities all over the country.  "Turns out there are a lot of really lousy athletes out there that could never be a pro athlete in a million years without government intervention.  The folks always picked last in dodge ball. We're just looking to level the playing field," he adds with a grin.

February 28, 2012

Vail on Just $10,000 a Day

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Travel with this interesting and fashionable mother of two. Experience her enlightening and breezy writing, organized by topic and put into familiar and easy-to-understand sections.


...Let'em eat cake! She explores fine eateries and gives helpful hints on what to have (Spoiler: it's not what she thinks your kids should be eating!). Useful for those times when your personal chef has the night off.

...See the sights Blend in with the locals, as only Michelle truly can.

...Shop 'til you Drop! While not everyone has the option of closing down entire stores to do their shopping, everyone can benefit from her useful advice on avoiding tourist traps and saving money.

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...Handling your staff Dos and don'ts on managing your security detail, assistants, fashion advisors, and all the rest.

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Check out Michelle's other 15 titles in the "on Just" travel series!
"Spain on Just $22,00 a Day"
"Martha's Vineyard on Just $10,000 a Day"
"Hawaii on Just $200,000 a Day"

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February 23, 2012

Syrian Army Attacks Homs: "We believe they are burning Korans"

HOMS, SYRIA -- As months of a brutal crackdown continue and the civilian death toll stretches into the thousands, the Syrian Army revealed that it is only shelling cities because of reports that the Koran is being burned in rebel-held regions. "We have strong reason to believe they are burning Korans in there," an Army official said, while directing fire into heavily populated areas.

Arab League observers in the country confirmed this and said they were taken to areas recaptured from the rebels where they saw "a lot of ash and debris, which obviously came from all the Korans they had been burning." Burning or desecration of the holy book of Islam is considered a terrible crime by Muslims, usually cleansed by the random killing of infidels.

It is unknown why the rebels are burning the Korans, since journalists are not allowed in the areas of Syria under rebellion. Syrian Army commanders confirmed that they don't know why the Korans are being burned, but "we must take action to stop it."

An Al-Jazeera poll of several middle eastern populations showed that approval for the Syrian response against its people, which includes the murder and torture of women and children, increased substantially after the allegations of Koran burning were reported. Saudi Arabian carpet salesman Al-Aliz Mohammed summed up the feelings of many in the Arab world by noting "the only thing that could be better than bombing the cities is to somehow construct a giant shoe and show the rebels the bottom of that shoe. I've heard Russian scientists are working on just such a shoe for Iran."

February 13, 2012

10+ States Granted 'Flexibility' in Fed'l School Requirements

Washington, DC -- President Barack Obama's administration announced this week that it would grant waivers to the "No Child Left Behind" act for 10 states. The law requires states to prove that their students meet a minimum competency level in reading and mathematics by 2014. Education Secretary Arne Duncan provided details on the waivers starting with the statement "It is pretty much Bush's fault. He's the one who pushed for these so-called 'educational standards' to be met. He's the one who garnered bi-partisan support to get it passed. I don't understand why people think it is so important to teach kids reading and math anyway." As many as 29 more states are reportedly considering the waivers in the coming years.

Duncan provided extensive details on what the Obama administration's goals are for education as journalists asked for clarification on the shocking announcement. "Teaching about the environment, why unions are vital to this country, the importance of diversity, and the incredible Barack Obama - that is what kids are learning today. Why, when I think of all those tiny, impressionable little faces upturned and staring at a giant image of our current leader while being told what an intelligent and compassionate man he is I get a little choked up. Why should our youngsters be burdened with learning math or reading? Look at this example problem from one of the standardized tests: 'Using a calculator and the chart below, determine the annual interest payments on 15 trillion dollars of debt.' That's just not realistic training for life anymore."

Analysts backed up the Secretary's claims that children don't need to learn "all that old junk", with several notable scientific journals publishing Federally-funded studies and research this month detailing how old-fashioned subjects like math, reading, and science are unnecessary in today's complex world.

February 7, 2012

IUCN: North American Taxpayer Extinct by 2085

GLAND, SWITZERLAND -- The North American Taxpayer was changed from a "Vulnerable" to "Endangered" species this week, highlighting a decades-long slide in the status of this once thriving mammal. The International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN), which maintains the status and classifications of "at risk" species, issued a notice that the already threatened population experienced a significant drop in the last two decades, and the trend toward extinction appears to be accelerating.

IUCN spokesperson Dr. Clive Patrominski-Feldersenfreid spoke briefly about the situation, "The implications of the loss of this organism can't be overstated. This is not some minor local variant like the Salt Creek Tiger Beetle, which - Gaia forbid - would at least have only a limited effect on the surrounding area if lost. The North American Taxpayer is a major part of the economic eco-structure of this whole continent - many, many other animals rely on it for their very existence. I predict dire consequences around the world if this powerful and lovely creature is lost."

He went on to cite likely reasons for the decrease, including the destruction of their natural habitat by government programs, cultural shifts resulting in behavioral changes, and a low reproductive rate.

Experts familiar with the data confirmed that the complex webs and interactions of the economic eco-system are not fully understood, but some troubling signs have emerged which may hold a clue to this creature's decline. According to Patrominski-Feldersenfreid, "At the same time, we're seeing a surge in the numbers of various economic parasites. We do not think that is a coincidence. We are desperately trying to find the links between these populations before it's too late. It's as if something is siphoning off the resources from one group and giving them to another. We're baffled how this can be, given the strong environment of property rights and work ethic that this region of the world has had for centuries."

He closed with this sober warning "If nothing is done in the next few years, the North American Taxpayer will be completely gone by 2085 and our grandchildren will only be able to see them in two ways: stuffed museum pieces and footage from old sitcoms."

January 19, 2012

Romney Hopes to Become RNC's "Least Disliked Candidate"

McBee, SC -- "My positions have been carefully crafted so no one is too unhappy with them. I don't say things that might cause a confrontation. My hair is perfect and I smile a lot. This is my year!" shouted Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney at a campaign stop during his race to the nomination. The assembled crowd signaled enthusiastic approval by politely clapping and smiling back.

"My team has created a bold plan which differs from the status quo in several relatively significant areas, considered non-controversial to a majority of eligible voters." Mr. Romney continued passionately, his voice rising slightly.

Party leaders consider him the ultimate moderate candidate. "He combines the self control of Bob Dole, the ferocity of John McCain, and just enough Walter Mondale to please New Hampshire voters. With a combination like that, how can the voters lose?" says Republican party staffer Jack Tomson.

Supporters noted his many strengths, starting with being "a very disciplined speaker." As campaign worker Tom Jackson stated, "He works hard at not saying too much and saying it in a careful way. The press is going to have a really hard time finding little sound bites that can be used against him. That alone qualifies him to be leader of the free world, as far as most voters are concerned."