December 17, 2009

Terrorists Look Forward to Cable, Better Amenities in Illinois

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA -- President Obama announced this week that 100 detainees from the Guantanamo Bay detention facility will be transferred to Thomson Correctional Center in Illinois.  The Hell Gazette was given permission to interview Saudi Arabian-born Al Qaeda operative Mohammed El Kiboum to get the prisoner’s perspective on the move.

HG: Will the move to Illinois be an improvement over Guantanamo Bay, do you think?
El Kiboum: Yes, I do. We’ve heard the Great Satan’s facility has cable and a better weight room. I’m way behind on watching my shows, especially Dr. Arifi’s marriage advice show, which you can’t get here at all. With this long captivity, I find I'm forgetting some things, like the proper way to beat my wives according to Islamic teachings.
HG: The workout room here is pretty bad?
El Kiboum: Well, I don’t want to look a gift camel in the mouth - the equipment was donated by the ACLU - but some of the stuff is a little shabby and it never gets cleaned by the infidels.  For example, the elliptical machine’s display is broken, so I’ve had to use the treadmill lately, which I don’t like.  I read the Koran while I work out - praise be to Allah - and the treadmill bounces around too much.
HG: Do you think the prisoners will continue to throw feces at their guards when you get to Illinois?
El Kiboum: Probably.  We all wage Jihad in our own way: some with money, some with weapons, some with their excrement.  I’ve been waging Jihad by boycotting all candies that contain caramel.
HG: Can you comment about the allegations of torture here?
El Kiboum: Well, they made me take a dental exam, which I’d never had before - by Allah that was torture!  Other than that, I think the infidels deliberately delay some of my magazine subscriptions.  I’ve alerted Amnesty International.
HG: Anything else that you think will improve with the change of scenery?
El Kiboum: I’m looking forward to visits from friends, relatives, and my lawyers.  There is a rumor around here that we'll be permitted conjugal visits by up to 3 wives at a time.  Currently, only my lawyers are allowed to see me, but I have some, uh, things I’d like to talk about with old friends.  I’ve heard some of them are considering moving to Illinois.

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