January 26, 2011

Obama Pivot Inspired by "Undercover Boss" Experience Last Year

WASHINGTON, DC -- After viewing President Barack Obama's State of the Union address last night, pundits were struggling to understand his apparent turn to the political right.  His staff revealed afterwards that the President's political outlook changed drastically after recording an episode for the popular CBS Television show "Undercover Boss" and seeing firsthand the magnitude of waste and incompetence within the US Federal Government.  The show, which the network agreed not to air until after the Presidential election in 2012, has been reported to be "a real eye-opener for the American public, and the current President."

The President's Former Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, spoke to reporters about the President's experiences this past summer while taping the show.   "We did not want him to do it," he noted sourly. "He's never held a real job before, and we didn't think we was ready.  Plus, we were afraid if he learned how things actually work in the government he'd be a changed man.  Turns out we were right - can you imagine him a year ago acknowledging the deficit as a problem?"

CBS released some details about the episode, stating that the President took three assignments as a low-level intern named "Barry King" and spent 3 months at the Environmental Protection Agency, Department of Housing and Urban Development, and Department of Education. The show's producer notes that his reactions follow "a typical pattern of response: shock and denial at first, eventual acceptance, and finally the strong desire to change. It makes for a nice show."  He went on to say that there was enough material to stretch into multiple episodes, and a feature-length "reality TV movie" was being considered. He said the concept would be "equal parts Metropolis and Brazil, with elements of the Matrix, as the main character comes to realize that everything he believes is wrong."

The President made new friends while taping the show, and some have come forward with details about his astounding political transformation.  Sally Whitfield, who has worked for the EPA for 27 years and currently processes oil rig drilling permits, says the experience of the President was comical to watch. "When he first started, I tried telling him to slow down, but he wouldn't listen.  He kept running around here, asking 'why are there so many forms?', 'why is everything so complicated and slow?', 'why doesn't anyone seem to care?'  I warned him that if kept going at that pace, he was going to make people mad.  Sure enough, he did - and some of the people he needed approvals and signatures from started causing him trouble.  One day - near the end of his rotation - he sits down with me and says 'Sally, instead of helping, I think we are actually making things worse.'  I just laughed and told him to be happy he has a job."

Analysts on the political right offered guarded approval for the President's outlook when news of the show broke. In the words of one Heritage Foundation blogger, "although we don't expect him to turn into Ronald Reagan or anything, we hope the scales fell from his eyes because of this experience and he starts to recognize that Government really is the problem. Maybe this showed him why the US Constitution is a 'negative rights' document and why the framers sought to limit government in size and scope to the bare minimum necessary."

The White House would not confirm rumors that the President is also planning to appear on the reality show "Celebrity Apprentice" to get some real-world experience in leadership and management.

January 25, 2011

Rejected Draft SOTU Address Leaked

The Hell Gazette has obtained a leaked draft of tonight's State of the Union Address. This copy was reportedly rejected by various staffers, but is reprinted in its entirety here, including hand-written edits:

Dear Comrades,
Dear Party Faithful,

Dear Fellow Americans,
As I stand before you today, I have a message of much hope and some change. It has been a tumultuous two years since I was ordained sworn in as your Commander in Chief.

In that time, we have acted on various crises - both real and manufactured - to advance our cause progress this country into a new century of indebtedness equality. Some radical elements within our republic, however, have managed to erect temporary barriers to change.  I quote a great man when I say don't give up hope: 'We Shall Overcome!'  While that great man fought for equality, we fight for something more than equality.  We fight for the fruits of other people's labor and the power to control our fellow man.

My legal training and experiences have taught me many things.   Foremost among them is the following, the wisdom of which I now share with all of you. When one man takes another's possessions through force or trickery, that is called stealing and it is a great wrong. However, when one man takes another's possessions via duly elected representatives and taxation, that is called redistribution of wealth and it is a great right.

That goal of redistribution of wealth is our ultimate destination and one which we have worked at for nearly a century.  My Socialized Health Care law has moved the needle significantly in that direction, and all the tricks, deals, and midnight votes hard work to make that happen have not been in vain.

Hopefully the coming year does not see that important work undone.

In closing, I want all Americans to be thankful that we live in this great nation. A nation where we have food, housing, and cell phones provided by the state for a huge segment of the populace.  A nation where workers can choose to throw off the shackles of employment for months at a time and live comfortably while their neighbor works to pay for it. A nation where about 8% of the workers are employed directly by government - and rising. A nation that has its hands and fingers into every aspect of every citizen's life, benevolently groping us all for the greater good.
Most of all, a nation where all of these things are paid for by an ever decreasing number of taxpayers and an ever increasing amount of debt.
Most of all, a nation where all of these things are paid for by... someone else.
Most of all, a nation where we don't spend too much time thinking about how these things are paid for.

Thank you and good night.

January 21, 2011

Smithsonian Changes Course, Will Offend All Religions

WASHINGTON, DC -- The National Portrait Gallery, a federally funded museum of the Smithsonian Institution, has abruptly reversed its decision to stop displaying portions of an artistic exhibition featuring an ant-covered crucifix.  The museum now intends to expand that display and rename it "Celebrating World Religions: Sickening Images and Repulsive Ideas."

The exhibit that sparked a public outcry by denigrating a symbol of Jesus Christ, whom some Christians believe to be the savior of all mankind and the son of God, will be put back on display around April, in time for the Christian holiday of Easter.

Mr. Andre Poofley, the Curator of Offensive and Scatological Art at the Smithsonian, responded to questions about the change in direction today and stated "We're embarking on a new artistic policy and we're not kowtowing anymore to religious groups and their narrow-minded prejudices. To show how open-minded and tolerant we are in comparison, we intend to offend all the major religions." He went on to explain that the new exhibit would be going on for the rest of the year and would seek to mock and ridicule every major religion around their holy days.  "Christians, Hindus, Muslims, and Buddhists - get ready to be angry!" he went on to say.  Additional security measures will be in place during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, a museum official later added.

Mr. Poofley concluded the press conference with a brief tour and closing remarks, "People - non-artists - write me letters all the time saying this style of art is deliberately controversial, and that these artists are crass, attention-seeking swindlers with no talent.  Well, that just isn't true.  These are talented, thoughtful, and hard-working craftsman with something important to say.  Anyone who sees our first tour stop is sure to be convinced of that.  It is called 'partially-chewed food smeared on a white canvas.'"

January 19, 2011

Health Law "Backroom Deal" Groups Threaten Boycott of Repeal

DETROIT, MI -- The United Auto Workers (UAW) have threatened to boycott the proposed repeal of the new health care law. Members of collective bargaining organizations such as the UAW were specifically exempted from the "Cadillac Tax" provision of the Health Care and Education Reconciliation Act of 2010. This exemption is one of many "special deals" included in the law that mandated that citizens purchase health care insurance or face fines.

Comments from the UAW President, Bob King, indicate that his organization isn't exactly sure what they will be boycotting, but intend to boycott with gusto, once they've figured it out. "We will definitely boycott the repeal if it is passed. We're working on the details still, but we think that means we will continue to buy health care insurance even though the law forcing us to has been repealed. Or, it might mean we will now buy more health care insurance because the Federal Government is no longer telling us we must buy it. Also, with regards to the 'Cadillac Tax' of 40% on premium, high-priced health care insurance - to which we've been given special treatment and don't have to pay - we think we will pay that if the law saying we don't have to is repealed. ...wait, that's not right. As I stated previously - we are still figuring out what we will boycott and which parts we won't." King's office later admitted that "working this all out will be pretty tough since the law is over a thousand pages long and extremely complex."

Other parties that benefited from back room deals are considering fighting back against the proposed repeal as well. For example, several of the more than 200 businesses and organizations that have been granted waivers to the law are also considering a similar boycott. As a representative from Aetna insurance stated, "You pay good money to your congress-person's campaign fund - or promise votes, if you are one of the unions - to get special exceptions to laws that everyone else has to live by and you think you've got a deal. Next thing you know, the next congress comes along and thinks they can alter the deal or repeal it.  It just isn't fair."

January 14, 2011

Sharpton Opposes Haitians Adopted by "Crackers"

WASHINGTON, DC -- One year after the tiny island nation of Haiti was devastated by an earthquake, the prominent Civil Rights hero Reverend Al Sharpton is speaking out against the more than 1,100 Haitian orphans that have been adopted by "Crackers all over the country."

"It is wrong for these once-proud black children raised honorably in poverty by our black cousins to now become a part of Whitey's machine. They are being brainwashed by their adoptive families that this country is one that provides opportunity and openness to all of God's children. My black brothers and sisters know that is not true," Reverend Sharpton was quoted as saying as he stepped from one of the 7 black limousines containing his privately-funded entourage and security detail to speak on the steps of the Capital.

Many of the adopted children have shown a remarkable resiliency and are now thriving despite the tragedy and horror they have been through.  Some experts believe a stable and safe home, good nutrition, and a loving family could be contributing factors to these successes. When asked about this point, Rev. Sharpton seemed bewildered by the concept, but replied eventually "don't believe everything you read."

Rev. Sharpton proposed a two-part solution whereby Haitian children would be placed with black welfare families.  This solution, he said, "would get them away from The Man and also bring more income to the black community in the form of welfare dollars."  In addition, he demanded that the Federal Government provide money to his National Action Network organization, equal to the amount it currently owes in back-taxes.

January 12, 2011

"Extra-Constitutional Bubble" Around Lawmakers Proposed

WASHINGTON, DC -- As the nation recovers from the recent shooting of a Congresswoman in Arizona, Representative Peter King (R-NY) is trying to do something to prevent future attacks.  He is interested in banning firearms within 1000 ft. of high-ranking government officials.

Rep. King admitted that this bill violates the 2nd amendment to the Constitution, but added "We are looking into a 1000 ft. area around lawmakers where the constitution just wouldn't apply at all.  No Amendments; No 'We The People' - nothing.  None of that stuff would matter within our 1000 ft. spheres."  When asked whether that would mean nearly all of Capital Hill would exist inside this "extra-constitutional bubble", he responded angrily "What's the difference?  We've been operating that way for decades!"

The proposal has the backing of a significant number in Congress and the President, many of whom have assumed the bill will pass and are now working on the implementation.  One congressional aid provided details about a proposed "entourage" that would follow all high-ranking Federal lawmakers around to make measurements when a constitutional call needed to made "near the boundaries."  "We see a small team being a good solution, like the chain gangs they have at football games," noted the senior staffer.  "Perhaps the measurement team should consist of a member from each branch of government - that sounds like something the Founding Fathers could have written," the aid added thoughtfully.

A spokesperson for President Obama related the President's anticipation of signing the bill into law "so all of us here can live in this bubble - happily protected and busy working on the important issues of the day."

January 11, 2011

AZ Shooter "Claimed" by the Left

TUCSON, AZ -- Although originally charged with being part of the "vast right wing conspiracy" by the media following his shooting rampage in Arizona on January 8th, 2011, suspected murderer Jared Lee Loughner has since been "claimed" by left-wing organizations who now are attempting to portray him in a slightly different light.

A representative of the Democratic party who asked not to be named said "Immediately after it happened, we just assumed he was a right-winger.  I mean, here you have this skin-head looking guy gunning down a House Rep with 'D' after her name.  At that point, who would have been shocked if the guy worked for Halliburton or BP and had his KKK membership card in his pocket, right?  For us, that means attack, attack, attack the usual suspects; Glenn Beck, Rush, Sarah Palin - standard operating procedure, right?  Unfortunately, it turns out he is pot-smoking loser who reads the Communist Manifesto and has all sorts of strange and incoherent beliefs.  We had no choice but to claim him as one of our own."  The University of Alabama shooter last year, Amy Bishop, was similarly "claimed" last year by the political far left.

Many prominent left-leaning organizations are busy providing possible defenses against accusations that they incited Mr. Loughner to perform this horrible act.  The Green Party was the first, providing the following statement on Monday, "We are shocked and saddened by the horrific acts of last Saturday.  However, we have strong reason to believe the act was performed in error and Mr. Loughner was actually aiming for the non-organically grown vegetables in aisle 12.  A few humans were unfortunately caught in the crossfire."