October 21, 2011

Army Overwhelmed by DADT Recruits

The Pentagon, VA -- The US Department of Defense has observed a huge increase in recruitment efforts since the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" law was repealed, allowing openly gay men and women to serve in the armed forces. Recruitment offices around the country have reportedly been "overwhelmed" with gay applicants volunteering to serve in the US Military.

"I've been a recruiter for over 10 years and I've never seen anything like this," noted a recruiting Sergeant from Indiana, who asked not to be named. "They were lined up around the corner when I came in today. Hundreds of them waiting quietly and patiently for their turn to serve their country."

He continued, "A soldier's life can be hard - dangerous and exhausting. It takes a good deal of selflessness. You sign up to possibly sacrifice your life so that others in your country can continue to enjoy the blessings of freedom. You crawl through mud. You get shot at. Homosexuals just seem a natural fit."

Sociologists and other experts in human behavior have not been as surprised, however. Dr. Stan Ramble notes, "Poll after poll has shown that many homosexuals want to serve in the military and the only thing stopping them has been DADT. Several years ago, a gay man I know told me he wanted to become an Army Ranger and had a dilemma. He either had to lie about his lifestyle or choose a different career. He really wanted to test himself to the limits of human resiliency and prove to himself that he has what it takes to become one of the best soldiers in the world, in the best military in the world. In the end, he decided on his second choice and became a hairdresser, but he has lived with regret ever since."

October 13, 2011

Wall Street Occupation Ends, Cleanup Begins

New York City, NY -- Citing sanitation concerns, the Occupy Wall Street protests will be coming to an end as the New York City Police Department starts evicting the dozens of protesters that have been living in a public park for about 3 weeks. A spokesperson for the NYPD said "It's a bit like when some distant cousin comes by to stay at your house for weeks and doesn't do anything but sit around all day and make noise. At some point you just want them out - you need to repair your broken stuff and clean up the garbage and excrement everywhere."
An informal poll of the protesters by the Hell Gazette found that most participants felt "they had accomplished something, like, important" after living in tents and subsisting on handouts for 3 weeks. One young man said "I think I speak for anyone within earshot who might be awake when I say, we accomplished a lot. For one thing, we saved a lot of water by not showering for 3 weeks. That's good for the environment, right?" He went on to say it was "just like being in the Civil Rights marches of the 1960s, except without actual grievances."

Wall Street declined to be interviewed for this article, saying it was far too busy.

October 4, 2011

"Spend Like Drunken Sailors" Urges Fed

WASHINGTON DC -- Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warned the US Congress to "continue to spend taxpayer money like drunken sailors" today in a speech to the Joint Economic Committee. In a speech hailed by many as "simply brilliant", he thundered to policy makers "If you stop spending money like crazy, bad economic-type stuff will happen."

When questioned later what the consequences of cutting spending would be, he responded solemnly "Really Bad Stuff: our economic models and mathematical formulas show this clearly. Congress must continue to spend lots of money we don't have, or this country is going to be in worse shape than it is now."

Aids to Mr. Bernanke expanded on his speech afterwards, citing numerous studies and research papers that support the concept. "It may seem counter-intuitive to those few people out there who actually think 'living within one's means' is good policy. It is a shame, but that kind of outmoded thinking has largely gotten us into this mess in the first place. It just shows how ignorance of modern economic theory still persists in small pockets of this country. Luckily, the rest of the world has got it figured out, so we have ample evidence to show doubters."