April 27, 2010

UPDATE: Islam NOT Offended by Cartoon

Editor's note: The following article has been updated with breaking news, noted throughout by bold and strike-through text as an aid for readers who may have read the previous version of the article, which was released before final editing.
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- The religion of Islam has not been offended for the fourth time in recent decades, as Comedy Central's hit show South Park will show a cartoon depiction of Mohammed allow characters in the show to talk about Mohammed air a new episode that was originally to contain something that might have referenced Mohammed.

This would have marked marks the fourth time that Islam has been offended since the 1970s, the previous being the novel The Satanic Verses, the movie Submission, and a political cartoon depicting Mohammed shown with a bomb in his turban.  All previous offenses resulted in the murder or attempted murder of the offenders.

The edgy controversial adult cartoon South Park previously agreed to self-censor itself in 2006 by not showing Mohammed's cartoon image as originally planned. This time, again however, the show's creators prevailed and Comedy Central bravely decided declined to allow Mohammed to be discussed on the show as a part of an organized religion "three-fer" insult.  During the episode, Christianity is insulted, then Buddhism, then Islam in a comedic triple-play double-play.

Free speech enthusiasts throughout the United States and around the world applauded the courage of the network to stand up to bullying by free speech enthusiasts Islamists, and noted that this could be the start of a change in Western popular culture, which currently treats Islam differently when it comes to censorship by giving in to all threats. Award-winning journalist Jon Stewart, also of Comedy Central, noted with pride "this is similar to Winston Churchill finally standing up to the Nazis during World War II - I am proud to be a part of this network." "This is similar to how Neville Chamberlain wisely chose to allow Nazi Germany a few limited concessions prior to World War II, which nearly spared the world a horrific war.  I am proud to be a part of this network."

April 26, 2010

AZ Law Makes Illegal Acts "More Illegal"

Phoenix, AZ -- The Arizona legislature decided two weeks ago to make it illegal to enter the US illegally.  The new laws are intended to enforce the laws which already exist in this country making it illegal to cross the Federal border from other countries without following the proper channels.  It is estimated that millions of Mexican citizens have entered this country illegally over the past 10 years, presenting a growing burden of entitlements and social services, as well increasing the crime problem in various southern parts of the country.

The Arizona measure was met with two opposing protests.  The new enforcement policies are strongly supported by the group "Legal Immigrants for Border Enforcement" which consists of hundreds of thousands of legal immigrants that entered this country from India, China, Poland, and about thirty other countries.  A member of the group had strong opinions about the Arizona laws and expressed them forcefully "All of us came here with respect for our new country - the nation of freedom, justice, and opportunity.  We learned the language of our new land, and followed the sometimes painful immigration laws to the letter.  For nearly all of us, that meant years on waiting lists, appointments and interviews with immigration officials and often thousands of dollars spent on consultations with immigrations lawyers. It is wrong that folks from other countries think it is ok to walk in and then expect Americans like us to not be angry about it."

The second group called itself "Immigrants Against Racist and Unjust Gringo Policy."  An unofficial IARUGP spokesperson stated "These laws are unjust and racist. The reason we left Mexico is because drug cartels are taking over there.  There is no rule of law, there is no order and people just do what they want without regard to anyone else.  Killings, robbery, kidnappings - you name it. So we come here to this racist, unjust country and we see a different world.  We like that everyone else here obeys the law.  Our first act on arriving here is to disobey the laws against entering the country. Then many of us work illegally or try to get forged paperwork and get on welfare.  We love this unjust, racist country!"

April 23, 2010

Palin-phobia Is a Real Disease

Dear Mr. Circenses,

I want to alert the general public about an epidemic that is afflicting this nation.   Your Hell Gazette seems a suitable venue for this warning.  Your readers are generally smarter and better-informed than the average citizen, and I'm hoping they than help me spread the word about this disease before it is too late.
 The disease I refer to is called "Palin-phobia."  It is the fear and loathing of anything having to with Sarah Palin.  The symptoms of this disease are a strong urge to write and say irrational things when you even hear her name mentioned.  If you read any article about her, you will see the afflicted writing comments about the story that don't make sense, and are usually just a clumsy attack against her intelligence.

I've been studying the disease since late 2008 and have determined that the primary symptom above is often accompanied by feelings of paranoia and isolation.  It seems to be closely related to the disease I wrote about several years back called "Foxnews-phobia."  At this time, I know of no cure and both diseases are quite serious, often resulting in dementia and the loss of most cognitive ability.

If enough folks begin to recognize it as a medical condition, perhaps we can go beyond just laughing at the afflicted and actually finding effective treatments for those that can still be saved.

Sincerely, 
Gregory L. Remington, MD

April 20, 2010

Congressman Claims He Was "Uh, Lynched"

WASHINGTON, DC -- Following the scandalous possible but unverified use of a racial slur weeks ago by an unknown  person in a crowd who may or may not have been associated with the Tea Party movement, one of the Congressman involved has come forward with the revelation that he also was lynched. "I was walking to the Capital to vote and a large mob appeared all around me.  I was called names, and spit upon. Then I was kicked and punched, then, uh, lynched and murdered," said Rep. Emanuel Cleaver of Missouri.  After questions regarding the lack of physical evidence or any recording of the incident, he added "I got better."

Although no proof of these allegations has yet been found, most reporters have deemed the story credible and have been trumpeting the accusations.  As one reporter from the New York Times noted, "Who  are you going to believe? An honest politician who has nothing to gain from these accusations, or a bunch of rabble who have nothing better to do than stand outside all day and shout things at our duly elected officials?  Besides, this is racism we are talking about here - the worst of all possible things."

"This controversy has eroded what little support the Tea Party movement had in this country and promises to finally break up the disorganized group" says a well-known nightly news anchor who declined to be named.  She went on to say "the Tea Party will never resonate with the people of this country, because it is based upon the principles of constitutional limits of government power and personal freedom. We the People don't believe in any of that stuff."

April 16, 2010

Anti-Tea Party Teacher Came From Long Line of Anti-Freedom Activists

BEAVERTON, OR -- Middle school teacher and anti-Tea Party infiltrator Jason Levin is descendant from a long, proud line of "freedom haters" say friends. Levin has generated national fame because of his website, which encourages fellow activists to try to embarrass and disrupt the "Tea Party" movement.

"He said he really hated that Tea Party people were taking the time and energy to be heard and present their political views. He said it was the duty of citizens to try to silence peaceable assembly and free expression by any means possible: subterfuge, lying, deception, whatever," said an acquaintance of Mr. Levin, who asked not be named out of fear of retaliation. "He kept going on and on about how Tea Partiers shouldn't be allowed to carry signs, chant things, and stand up for what they believe in - only aggrieved minorities had that right. I tried to point out - politely, of course, as he is the type that will key your car in the middle of the night - that these were concerned taxpayers.  Since people who actually pay federal taxes are now a minority in this country, shouldn't they be allowed to have their opinions?  He said no way."

The Hell Gazette has determined that Mr. Levin is a direct descendant of at least two other historical anti-freedom agitators. The first was a devoted Tory named Thaddeus Levin, who lived during the American Revolution and tried to infiltrate the original Boston Tea Party group and prevent or disrupt the gathering. He was discovered and run out of town, according to newspapers accounts.

The second was John Levin who joined the Civil Rights March on Washington in 1963 with the intent to embarrass the organizers by wearing blackface and carrying a sign with the deliberately misspelled message "We Needs Mo Freedum."  He was turned away from the march once the plans were discovered.

April 15, 2010

Happy Tax Day


The Hell Gazette would like to encourage everyone to wear red today in solidarity with how our government is run: "in the red."
Thousands of lobbyists and politicians are relying on your dollars!

April 14, 2010

Va. Guv Wanted to Avoid Embarrassing "The Party of Slavery"

RICHMOND, VA -- Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell recently revived the practice of celebrating Confederate History Month, but was quickly embroiled in controversy because the proclamation did not include any reference to slavery.  The Governor later issued an apology for the omission, stating "I did this because I did not want to embarrass my Democratic colleagues, as theirs was formerly the party of slavery.  That is, they are the ones that fought since the beginning of the republic to not only perpetuate slavery, but also extend it to the border states prior to the Civil War.  These actions were directly responsible for the war, in which over 500,000 white citizens died in a struggle to eradicate the institution of slavery in America."

At a press conference about the issue, he continued, "As a member of the party of Abraham Lincoln, I just didn't want to bring it up and remind folks that the Democrats were not only supporters of slavery but also actively opposed civil rights legislation and integration during the 1960s.  We figured it was just better to leave that whole issue alone, rather than embarrass people.  My intent was only to honor the part of the Civil War struggle that dealt with what many people still feel is a state's legitimate right to secede from the union."

April 13, 2010

State Dept Updates Request From "Please" to "Pretty Please"

WASHINGTON, DC -- At this week's Nuclear Security Summit, the US State Department has officially upgraded their request that countries not supply weapons and support to terrorists from "Please" to "Pretty Please."  Obama declined to authorize "Pretty Please With a Cherry On Top," saying "we're waiting to see how this approach works."  Iran and North Korea, referred to by the current President as the "axis of peace and prosperity", are two of the nations that the State Department has directed this tough action against.

A State Department staff member was quoted as saying "our pleading is going to get stronger and more forceful until we get what we want.  History has shown that dictators and strongmen can't be reasoned with very well, but respond favorably when nations debase themselves and beg a little. This President isn't afraid to bow down to these guys if it gets results."  The staffer added hastily, "we're expecting results any day now."

April 9, 2010

Tough Year for Corruption

WASHINGTON, DC -- The National Association for the Promotion of Corruption (NAPC) has given its stamp of approval to the Obama administration. This little known, but well-funded organization has been quietly advancing the cause of corruption in public office for about 80 years.

"All in all, it's been a tough year for corruption," said NAPC President Donald Swill. "We lost some real stalwarts in Congress; first Kennedy, then Murtha. These folks were giants of corruption: people that are difficult to replace. In addition, Rangel lost his Chairmanship and ACORN lost its funding. These are setbacks for corrupt behavior.  Luckily, we see a lot of promise in the Obama administration."

He went on to cite examples of shady behavior that he called the "bright spots" of last year. "The TARP funds come to mind - the audacity to borrow trillions and then funnel it to friends and allies. This was a beacon of hope for those of us who value immoral behavior. Then the various efforts at propaganda, from delivering messages directly to classrooms to the whole Ellie White thing. We feel this is an administration that really thinks about duping its citizens in some new and innovative ways."

Mr. Swill's biggest regret is the loss of of Ted Kennedy. "I could go on and on about Teddy, but suffice to say he won the MCP [Most Corrupt Politician] a record 8 times in the last 30 years. That is our highest award, and every year there is pretty fierce competition for it. We're considering honoring his legacy by creating a new award: The Ted Kennedy Lifetime Achievement Award. An award like this will inspire the next generation of politicians to dig deep into themselves - and the taxpayer's pockets - to lie, cheat, steal, and break laws to benefit themselves and their friends."

Despite periodic setbacks, Mr. Swill has never lost hope about the future of corruption in America. "While I think it will be many years before we reach the levels of Mexico or China, I think we as a nation are definitely headed that way. More nationalization of private industry would help, as would the continued decay of individual rights.  Overall, I have a lot of hope that change is on its way for this country."

April 8, 2010

Pope Declares Holy War on Islam

VATICAN CITY -- The leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI, has officially declared Holy War on the religion of Islam, reciprocating Islam's war declaration 800 years ago.

This act by the Catholic church marks the first counter-declaration of war by one of the many foes of Islam. The embattled religion is currently engaged in a many-fronted conflict with Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, democracy, civilization, the scientific method, cartoons, movies, running water and electricity, and women's fashions.  The war on women's fashion is reportedly the only one currently doing well, with halter tops and high heels pushed back and in retreat everywhere.


The Catholic Church's plans and broader strategy for the war have not been released, but speculation by experts is that they plan to stop "turning the other cheek" when attacked by jihadists and will instead start to protect themselves and organize to retake lost territory.  Their hope is that they can return the middle east to its former Christian status before Muslim invaders conquered the region, resulting in the systematic murder and forcible conversion of the Christians and Hindus dwelling there during the interceding centuries.

April 5, 2010

CBO To Take Magic Show on the Road

WASHINGTON, DC -- After the Congressional Budget Office's amazing trick last month of showing that health care reform is actually going to reduce the deficit by $1.3 trillion in 20 years, they have decided to take their magic show on the road and may be appearing in a town near you soon.  So far, the show called "Barack Obama's Greatest Magic Show on Earth" has booked venues in at least 7 major cities around the country and plans are being made to add at least 12 more, with the eventual goal of playing in "all 57 states."

The idea behind the show started when the CBO estimates for the cost of Socialized Health Care showed - after a brief drum roll - that the program would actually reduce the deficit, instead of adding hundreds of billions to it as every other large government entitlement program has done.  This performance caused such amazement and delight from taxpayers around the nation, that the President decided everyone should have the opportunity to see the show live "under the big tent, where folks can really appreciate it."

The show involves a high-wire act by the President himself, trained animals jumping through the "hoop of flaming greenbacks", music, dancing, and a general circus-like spectacle. Congress will be supplying plenty of clowns for comic relief.  The highlight of the show will be the CBO's magic act, where they will create billions of dollars out of thin air and other impossible feats.

Another crowd favorite is where the President picks one "rich guy" from the audience, asks to see his wallet, then makes all the money inside vanish without a trace.

April 1, 2010

UK Group Offers to Swap Health Care Systems With US

LONDON, ENGLAND --- Nigel Blakely is the head of the UK group "Trade the National Health Now."  The Hell Gazette interviewed him last week, after President Obama's health care reform was signed into law.

HG: What is the thought behind this movement?
Blakely: You Yanks are on the path to socialized health care. We've had it in the UK for years now - since the 40s - and your current system is much better. Wait times are lower, survival rates higher, and you pay less on average than we do. If you decide you want to scrap what you have and move to what we have, we're offering a trade. We'll take your castoff health care system and send you ours. We'll even pay to ship it over there for you.
HG: Sound fair.
Blakely: Think of it as a trade-in on your old, used health plan.  It still runs but you don't like the colour [color] any more.  We're willing to give you a nice, shiny new lemon in its place.  Don't look under the bonnet [hood] - because the engine doesn't run - but won't it look good sitting in the driveway?  Your neighbors will certainly admire it, as it's a newer version of the ones they all have.
HG: Is your system really that bad?
Blakely: No, it's much worse. Study after study has shown that our system - socialized health care - is terrible. A free market system works much better. Even your semi-free-market system beats our hands down.
HG: How big is this movement in the UK?
Blakely: Well, so far it is only includes the people who have had to deal with the poor level of care, rationing, and intense paperwork involved to get health care: in other words, just about anyone who has ever been sick or injured, with the exception of some politicians.
HG: We're not authorized to negotiate for anyone, but what would you say if we threw in all of our personal injury lawyers as well?
Blakely: Hmm.  We'll have to think about that deal.  I'll get back to you, but I still think it's worth it.