Obama Denies "Socialist" Charge, Appoints 23rd Czar

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- "I am not a socialist" President Obama said at a speech yesterday, "I just want our society to take a great leap forward."  That great leap, according to the President, will come from "increased regulation, government takeover of some private industries, and redistribution of wealth. Now, friends and associates, I think we can all agree that is not socialism."  The President spoke to a gathering of Democratic party leaders in New York, vigorously defending himself from a few isolated extremist commentators who have called him a socialist.

The President took special care to use "important capitalist buzzwords" in a vague and unverifiable manner such as "economic recovery", "reasonable regulation", and "jobs."  He gave several examples of his financial savvy during the speech, including his recent decision to "not waste any more money on extra-planetary imperialism" and instead use the money here on social programs "for the public good."  Aids later confirmed he was alluding to "President Bush's failed Mars adventure."

Republican Senator Jim DeMint responded to the President's speech with the cryptic response "if it walks like duck and talks like a duck..."

Ralph Nader is The Bachelor

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Don't miss the 15th season of The Bachelor this September, 2010.
This season's bachelor is the popular sex symbol Ralph Nader.

This time around, the show is called "The Bachelor: For Love and Money" and involves Mr. Nader - a well-known consumer advocate, author, and professional "distant third" presidential candidate - going on dates with his prospective spousal choices and putting them through grueling challenges in order to find his true love.*

Contestants will be judged on their performance as they:

• Proofread and critique his upcoming report about Toyota and Honda quality issues entitled "Unsafe at any MPG."
• Attend a rally with him against President Obama's Nuclear energy plans.
• Help him choose topics for lawsuits against large companies - this may involve some undercover work.

Mr. Nader has demanded that consumers be allowed to decide the winner, and the show will therefore be changing format.  A toll-free hotline will be established during the last episode so the  0.56% of the electorate that voted for Mr. Nader can now vote for his potential spouse.
Catch all the heart-pounding action this Fall on ABC!

*Mr. Nader would like to note that this show is in no way a binding offer of marriage to any party, including the winning contestant, and in the unlikely case of an actual marriage proposal, a pre-nuptial agreement will be a requirement.

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Harry Reid's Wife Takes Self Protection Classes

WASHINGTON, DC -- Harry Reid's wife, Landra Gould, has reportedly started taking personal protection classes following remarks by her husband that "Men, when they're out of work, tend to become abusive."  It is anticipated that Mr. Reid will lose his Senate seat in the upcoming midterm election cycle and his wife "just wanted to be prepared."

While working hard to have a government health care takeover passed "by whatever procedural loophole we can find or create," Mr. Reid has nonetheless found time for a few verbal gaffes on unrelated issues.  A supporter was quoted as saying "he's working harder than [Joe] Biden, as you can plainly see."

"Serial Killer" Whale Charged in Woman's Death

ORLANDO, FL -- The killer whale Tilikum has been formally charged in the murder of his trainer at Seaworld.  At least nine witnesses have come forward and agreed to testify in what some are calling Tilikum's 'latest' murder.

Tilikum, who - like many whales - has only one name, has been linked to at least two other murders and DNA checks are being performed on cold cases throughout the city.  "This gruesome crime was boldly perpetrated in the middle of the day, in full view of dozens of witnesses" Police Detective Andrew Griffith was quoted as saying.  So far, Tilikum has not admitted or denied guilt and, in fact, "has said nothing about the crime."

He is reportedly being held without bond in his own tank and has been assigned a public defender.

Rainbow/PUSH Coalition Changes Direction, Teaches Self Reliance

CHICAGO, IL -- In a surprise move, activist Jessie Jackson announced an epiphany resulting in a fundamental change in perspective. He gave notice that his Rainbow/PUSH coalition will "cease all racial blackmail operations, effective immediately." He instead plans to help people learn to take responsibility for their own actions and live moral, productive lives.

The sometimes controversial former Presidential candidate revealed the impetus for his unusual change in direction during an emotional press conference. "The Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr appeared to me in a dream on Christmas Eve. He explained how his dream of racial harmony has been achieved and that the things I've been doing for the last 25 years or so have actually been working against those goals by inciting racial hatred and division. I have erred and am truly sorry."

After pausing to collect himself, he continued "I woke up in a cold sweat, fearing for my soul. Then my mind got the better of me, and I told myself it was just a bad dream. Fortunately, the seed of doubt had been planted."

Reverend Jackson detailed his experience of taking a break from activism to travel all over the country and take special notice of how people were treating one another. "Everywhere I went, I saw it was true! Blacks, whites, and every color and creed were treating each other with respect and real friendship. I noticed it at every school and park I visited, in every state: the little black children and the little white children played together and their parents sat on benches together, nearby, talking quietly. It dawned on me: the only one that is upset and yelling about race anymore is.... me."

He then went on to explain how he first considered starting a mortgage company that would specialize in "poor folks who can't afford mortgages," but on looking closer realized the "futility in that, based on the available evidence."  Instead, the new purpose of the Rainbow/PUSH coalition will be to instill in the people it serves a sense of self reliance. "It is easy and un-productive to blame others for your problems. It is easy to say that Government should help me.  If I can cause people to start being dependent on themselves and not the government, perhaps I can undo the damage that has resulted from my behavior of the last couple decades."

In unrelated news, flying pigs have been reported in northern Iowa.

Iranian President Plans to Compete in Olympics

VANCOUVER, CANADA -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is planning a last minute entry into the Winter Olympics in an attempt to get his country's Olympic dreams "back on track."  Like fellow dictators Kim Jong-il of North Korea and Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, President Ahmadinejad is "the best at everything" and intends to easily win a gold in skiing for his country. It is hoped that this move will rally the nation's athletes to victory and result in more medal wins.  Iran has not won any medals to date.

His aims are more patriotic than personal, according to an unnamed minister.  "His gracious Excellency the President has decided to take time away from his very busy schedule to lead Iran to one more victory over the infidels. He doesn't do this for himself, but for the glory of Iran."  When asked why his athletes have not been performing well to date, the minister placed the blame generally on "the west" and specifically on the absence of a nuclear fuel deal with the US.

In other Olympic news, a high ranking Russian official has blamed former US President Ronald Reagan for their country's relatively poor showing at the Olympics this year. Former East German female weightlifting champion and current Russian Assistant Under-secretary of Finance Anna Klein was quoted as saying "Ever since I could shave, I remember the Olympics as a contest between the USSR and the US as to who could win more medals. If we had not torn down the wall all those years ago, perhaps things would be a little more interesting in Vancouver."

Greece Seeks Licensing Fees for Greek Letters

ATHENS, GREECE -- The Greek government today announced it will seek licensing fees for the use of Greek Letters. "These letters belong to us" Greek President Karolos Papoulias stated today in a press conference. "The Greek alphabet is our intellectual property and people around the world have been using them, without our consent - and without compensation - for centuries." The plan calls for a sliding scale of charges, depending on the letter. The popular letters Alpha and Beta will fetch the most money while little-used Chi and Rho will get the least.

Greece is currently facing a very serious financial crisis due to the rise of public sector unions and massive public debt. This proposal to regain financial solvency is a popular one within Greece according to Mr. Papoulias, the leader of the Greek Socialist party, as it "makes someone else pay."  The measures seek only to extract licensing fees on western nations, since "they're the only ones enforcing copyright and intellectual property laws anyway."

The move sparked a similar effort for licensing of Arabic numerals, but that proposal has been held up due to claims that "Arabic" numerals actually originated in India, prior to its subjugation by Arab Muslim conquerors in the 10th century.

Institutions of higher learning are predicted to pay billions if Greece is successful in enforcing its wishes. Many Universities and Colleges have already hiked tuition in anticipation.

Readers Write: Stop Linking Political Opinions to Violence

Dear Hell Gazette,

I'm fed up with you and the rest of the main stream media. Please stop connecting people that commit senseless murders to whatever political ideology they happen to possess. There are some people out there that are prone to violence and feel it is ok to kill someone else. They use their beliefs as justification to harm innocent people - that is it.

Take James von Brunn, last year's "Holocaust Museum shooter", as an example. You guys were all over the airways and on the internet proclaiming immediately that the guy was a "right winger" and blaming Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and the rest for inciting him to commit cold-blooded murder.

When Scott Roeder killed a doctor in Wichita, Kansas, his political views against abortion were the only thing that made the story national news.

This past week we have the University of Alabama shooter, Amy Bishop, whose far-left political views were immediately brought to light. Now I can't open up a newspaper without "Left-Wing Extremist Kills 3" being splashed all over the front page. Read any news account of the shooting and you'll find her political views in the first paragraph, just like accounts of Roeder and von Brunn.  Next, I suppose you'll be linking left-wing extremism to the hate-filled rants of Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann.

Memo to 4th estate: Please stop! In this country, people are still allowed to believe whatever they like. I guarantee there are people out there who believe things that you find utterly reprehensible. That, sir, is life. As a journalist, your job is to find and report the facts, not push your wacky conspiracy theories about people with whom you disagree.

Unfortunately, people murder others every day all over the world for a variety of reasons. Murdering someone is a crime and these folks will be caught and punished. You fools in the press defame lots of honest people by implying that their political views are the cause of violence.

Sincerely,
Conrad Puccini (Merna, NE)

Bush to Obama: "I'm Calling You Out"

WASHINGTON, DC -- In an unusual sequence of events, two US Presidents are making arrangements for a duel, to be held at a future date but set to occur at "high noon." Former President George W. Bush reportedly requested the "affair of honor" in response to current President Obama's repeated efforts to place blame on and otherwise defame his predecessor.  The alleged offense to Mr. Bush's honor occurred during the last year as President Obama has repeatedly made public statements blaming him for the current economic situation, on-going difficulties with terrorists, and foreign relations.

In the centuries-old dueling tradition, close friends or associates of the two protagonists act as "seconds" to make the arrangements; rules, location, and logistics. The fact that dueling is banned in all US States as well as the rather genteel dueling traditions dictate that negotiations between seconds be of a secretive nature. The Hell Gazette, however, has managed to discover details of the arrangements.

It was found that the choice of weapon is still being decided. Mr. Bush has indicated willingness to use any sort of firearm, having been trained and comfortable with small arms since his days at the Texas Air National Guard. President Obama, who has no military experience other than being elected Commander-in-Chief of all Armed Services, has indicated his preference of "litigation" as the weapon of choice. This stalemate has reportedly become a sticking point of negotiations.

Mr. Bush was overheard confronting President Obama during a photo session for Haitian relief efforts "I'm calling you out. Either man up and meet me on the field of honor or take responsibility for your actions and issue an apology.  Make that about 20 apologies."

Under-medaled Nations "Win" Big at Vancouver

VANCOUVER, CANADA -- Switzerland, the US, Germany, and France will be forced to give some of their Olympic medals to "less fortunate" countries this year under new International Olympic Committee guidelines. Ghana, Jamaica, Cyprus, Morocco, and Ethiopia were deemed the least likely to win a medal and will receive some combination of gold, silver and bronze from the countries that "have more than they can use."

The concept of redistributing medals was inspired by practices in nearly every Western nation that take resources from the successful and provide them to the less successful, so that everyone feels better. The Committee decided 8 years ago that this practice was the goal, but has been locked in debate whether it was better to redistribute the medals after competition, or change the rules during competition so that countries that don't have "the ambition or ability to win" could still receive the trappings of victory.

"The problem" says IOC representative Rudolph Van Bremen, "is that changing the rules during play became too complicated. We looked at downhill skiing and were trying to work out a way to tie different sized boat anchors to competitors, based upon the Gross Domestic Product of their native lands. Our analysis showed that this wouldn't ensure the winners we wanted, so then we looked at having prosperous nations use barrel staves instead of skis. The barrel staves were ruled out as not environmentally friendly, since they contained treated wood. In the end, we decided it was best to just let the competitors devote their lives to earning their prizes, then take them away and give them to someone else."

Mr. Van Bremen wiped away a tear of joy as the African desert nation of Ethopia was granted a silver medal for Alpine Skiing. As he recounted the tale of "a bewildered potato farmer" who was tapped to become that nation's skiing champion by Ethopian Prime Minister Meles Zenawi, Mr. Bremen was visibly moved and said quietly "this is what we have been working for all these years."

President Predicts "Negative Unemployment" by 2018

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Obama made the bold prediction yesterday that the US would be basking in "negative unemployment" by 2018 if his third round of stimulus money was approved by congress.  He argued  that by adding 95,000 jobs every month, the stimulus package will cause unemployment to drop and "keep on dropping, right through the floor."

"Negative Unemployment", as explained by noted economists at the New York Times, is a condition where people are working two or more jobs, and are therefore employed more than full time.  The White House released a graphic showing the incredible drop in unemployment which will be caused by "throwing gobs of federal dollars" at the problem, noting as an aside "there are probably cases where this strategy has worked."

Obama provided several specific unemployment targets by election year: 6.2M in 2012, 1.6M in 2016, and -2.5M in 2020.  He went on to implore voters to continue to re-elect his party and offered the last 12 months as proof of how well "one-party rule" works for the country.

The call for more stimulus has been backed by nearly everyone except taxpayers, whose dwindling numbers have rendered their political influence less and less meaningful.

Zoo Animals Form Black Caucus

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Gorillas, tarantellas, and crows have been using their combined might to influence policy at the LA Zoo on "issues that matter to black animals" after the creation of a Black Caucus two years ago. A spokesnake for the group, whose name sounds like "ssssssss", indicated the organization formed "because the color of our skin, feathers, or fur defines who and what we are and what is important to us." The group is currently lead by a coalition of Black Panthers and Black Mambas.

Mr. Ssssssss explained "in the wild, it was every creature for itself.  Your health and well-being was your responsibility and those that were smart and worked hard generally did well. Here in the zoo, however, things are different. We want influence over those decisions that affect us - things like food distribution, cleaning schedules, and what is sold in the gift shop."

Critics of the group say it hurts everyone to base policy decisions on a creature's color, and that it "only serves to divide us all, based on superficial physical characteristics."  These criticisms were forcefully denounced at a recent Black Caucus leadership retreat. One snake referred to critics as "colorists of the worst sort", and called for adding more laws against "colorism" in response.

The caucus was recently tainted with some controversy as several leaders were found to have added soft pillows and featherbeds to their living areas, while many supporters live on bare ground or straw. Despite these and other documented instances of corruption by some of the caucus leaders, they are firmly supported by nearly all black creatures. One supporter, a black squirrel who would not give his name, said "They got me this acorn didn't they? They took it from some red squirrels that had stashed away a whole bunch for winter. Those squirrels had a lot more than they needed, which isn't fair."

Supporters place blame for the "plight of black creatures everywhere" on "rampant colorism, which you can find everywhere, if you know what you are looking for."

Obama Expands "Climate Service" Agency to Include All Junk Science

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Obama administration has expanded the charter of their newly proposed Climate Service agency to include the study and promotion of "a variety of junk science, not just global warming." The Climate Service, which was to be organized within the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and tasked with studying Climate Change, will instead reside in the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) with "the rest of the true believers."

Ms. Marsha Burnsky, an Obama appointee with the EPA, said in prepared remarks yesterday that the new agency will "take taxpayer dollars and use them to promote all sorts of wacky ideas - not just climate change - by funding poorly designed experiments and hosting one-sided conferences. We were going to start a biased scientific journal, but decided there were enough already. In general terms, our task is to fool people into thinking something is real by giving it a thin veneer of 'science' in coordination with a lot of press releases and hype."  He added slyly, with a wink, "We might put a little pressure on people who don't toe the line, as well."

The new agency plans to hire hundreds of "self-proclaimed experts" that are emotionally and /or financially invested in their particular viewpoint, such that it prevents them from considering other possible explanations objectively. A degree in either their chosen scientific field or law is considered a minimum requirement for these positions.

"This change in charter has really opened up the field for us," Ms. Burnsky added excitedly. "We are now free to study and promote the Etheric Plane, perpetual motion machines, the flux capacitor, and a variety of other phenomenon in addition to our main goal of pushing 'Climate Change'."

By Not Teaching America's History, Educators Hope to Repeat It

BOSTON, MA -- Blame it all on George Satayana, who famously said "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."  Teachers and Professors in public schools and universities hope that by not teaching about American Exceptionalism, their students will be "condemned to repeat it."

Dr. Simon Shipdit, Professor of History at Boston University's College of Arts and Sciences, was clear that historians know very well about America's numerous positive contributions to the world, but they teach only the few things that put America in a bad light because they want students to remain "ignorant of the rest, so they'll be doomed to repeat it."

He gave a brief and partial list of the many things "this great nation" has accomplished that are not being stressed to the current crop of learners:

• The revolutionary idea that everyone is entitled to certain rights like freedom of speech, press, and religion
• The concept that government works for The People, not the other way around
• The creation of unparalleled wealth and prosperity for huge numbers of people in an extremely short period of time due to the workings of free market capitalism
• The unique promise that every person has control over their own destiny - free of clan, family, or societal limits - and is held back only by their own hard work and ambition

When asked about the danger that students will learn about America's many historical successes and triumphs anyway, especially in this age of instant access to information, Dr. Shipdit concedes that it is possible, but unlikely, "We've been teaching this stuff for decades now, and the message just keep getting stronger and stronger. I doubt very much that it will change. Most people are too busy to really look into something on their own. It's much easier to just sit back and listen instead of having to think, don't you agree? Besides, if you don't realize you are being misled, why would you ever examine it yourself?"

Congress Mulls Windfall Tax on TV Stars

WASHINGTON, DC -- "Anchors, Actors, and Activists" will be targeted for the latest round of windfall taxes, according to beltway insiders.  "These folks are living it up while average people are practically starving in the streets," stated one staffer, who asked not to be named because he was not authorized to speak to the media.

A bill currently being worked on in secret and reportedly called "Punish The Non-productive Rich" will place special windfall taxes on people that make their living in the entertainment, news, and activism professions and bring in more than $10 million per year. Also targeted will be professional celebrities who don't appear to even be "entertainers" in the traditional sense. The taxes will amount to 95% of earnings, using the logic "They should be able to get by on what we pay the president to keep us entertained."

A spokeswoman for the League of Energized, Effective Citizens for Hope, a Hollywood-based think tank, disagreed that these "drastic measures" would help and stated angrily "These people aren't like rich bankers, merchants, and entrepreneurs - they genuinely care about people. They want to help others - many donate their time to worthy causes, you know." She continued "Besides, this punishes not only rich stars, but the many people they employ. I hope congress will be satisfied when a small army of hair stylists, fashion designers, massage therapists, and manicurists join the rolls of the unemployed."

Toyota Unveils "Flames Paint Job" Factory Option on New Models

TORRANCE, CA -- Toyota Motor Sales USA announced a new "flames" paint scheme, available as an option, on all models starting today. Spokesman Ed Schlep read a prepared statement talking about the "sah-weet new look" of Toyota vehicles and likened it to the "awesomeness" of the 'Screaming Eagle' hood decal that could be ordered on 70s era Pontiac Trans Ams.

He observed that the vehicles will feel faster to drivers due to the "strictly cosmetic, but wicked" changes. "It's like the cars jump off the [starting] blocks and just keep screaming. You almost feel like you can't control them - like you're stuck on a really scary roller coaster. It is so awesome."

He concluded by noting a final benefit for consumers, "Our cars now become even more of a chick magnet - and better chicks, too, not just the weird hippy kind that don't shave their armpits or uptight old ladies", an apparent reference to the Toyota Prius Hybrid vehicle, which has become a status symbol among wealthy, environmentally-conscious suburbanite children and their grandparents.

Readers write: My Husband Loves His Teleprompter More Than Me

Dear Mr. Circenses,

My husband is a politician, lawyer, and former community organizer. He currently holds a pretty high federal office. Our two daughters and I understand that his career is demanding, and he is often traveling and speaking publicly to - in his words - "sell stuff to people who don't realize they want it."  However, I've recently come to suspect that he is seeing someone - or 'something' - else, and doesn't care for me the way he once did.

For years he has had a very close professional relationship with his Teleprompter. The Teleprompter and I have always been cordial to one another, but I do notice that he acts different when it's around.  Whenever I see him without it, which is rare, I find he is less focused, he stammers - he's just more distant. Many of our friends say it brings out the best in him, but I don't know that I agree.

The other night he came home with some sort of grease on his collar. I also caught him late one night sending provocative facebook messages to someone named "TOTUS." I want to know, am I just being paranoid or is this something I should be concerned about?

Sincerely,
Distressed in DC

Liberal Politicians Ponder "Life After Office"

WASHINGTON, DC -- As some lawmakers in the Democratic party realize their careers are probably going to end within the next 1-3 years, many are starting to look beyond their generous, taxpayer-provided golden parachutes and think about what they will do next. "Televangelism" was surprisingly ranked as the first choice in a recent poll of DC politicians, when asked about their planned "life after public office."

"The skills of a modern liberal politician and televangelist are very similar" says Lucas "Cool Hand" Luke, a Political Science Professor at the University of Massachusetts. "Both involve public speaking. Both involve articles of faith that transcend scientific investigation. Both involve proselytizing to people - especially the young - in hopes of making them devout, lifelong members of the congregation. Where they differ is that one believes an important function of faith is to promote moral and responsible behavior."

Ranking second in the poll, taken shortly after Martha Coakley's recent defeat in the Massachusetts Senate race, was the category "Continued Public Debauchery, Unpaid" followed closely by "Well-heeled Lobbyist / Designated Driver." Fortunately for fans of the current group of legislators, "Retirement" fell almost at the bottom of the list, right after "International Peace-monger."

Gays in Military One of Many Changes

ARLINGTON, VA -- Commander-In-Chief Barrack Obama has been vocal and active about promoting homosexuality in the US military because "it improves Esprit De Corps."  He has also been quietly pursuing other modifications to the nation's military policies, intended to increase effectiveness.

A classified document enumerating the administration's changes was leaked to the press this past week.  As a responsible media outlet, The Hell Gazette will now provide this information to the general public, including America's enemies:

• The Oath of Office is to be replaced by a "don't ask / don't tell" policy regarding commitment to the US constitution.
• Soldiers will now be allowed to "express their individuality" by adding "flair" to their uniforms.
• The gas-guzzling HUMVEE troop transportation vehicle is to be replaced by an up-armored version of the more efficient - if not quite as safe - Smart Car, dubbed the "running rabbit" by soldiers.
• Field hospitals in theater will be authorized to utilize local pharmaceutical substances such as hashish and opiates if soldiers require them for "medicinal purposes."
• The Army Song is to be replaced by the Edwin Starr classic "War".  "Kumbaya" was reportedly considered, but rejected as "too religious."
• Dismantling the complete nuclear arsenal of H-bombs, as a sign of good will to other nations.  This policy is officially called "putting the genie back into the bottle" and more informally known as "peace through weakness."  Military branches are already training in the use of a replacement weapon: the less deadly but far less expensive F-bomb.

China, Russia, and Iran applauded these far-sighted changes, with one embassy employee remarking "there may be peace in our lifetime yet."

Biggest Loser: Capital Edition

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Americans can now watch bloated legislative bills compete as they slim down with the premier of Biggest Loser: Capital Edition.  The show, which was originally going to be broadcast on CSPAN, will premier instead on NBC in Fall 2010.

The show is hosted by the venerable US Constitution, which although more than 200 years old still weighs in at a svelte 4 pages, and will feature proposed legislation competing in a race to "lose the pages."  The initial season includes several well-known contestants including "Cap and Trade" (900+ pages) and "Socialized Health Care" (2000+ pages).

A spokesman for NBC said "All of America  will be cheering these hard-working contestants on as they try to get more compact, trimming off pages and pages of fat during the course of the season.  Hopefully, this will inspire the next generation of bills to cultivate good governing habits from the outset, rather than trying to play catchup after they've grown to an unwieldy and unhealthy size."

Home Obamanomics Classes Gaining Popularity

PRINCETON, NJ -- Like most things from the 1950s and 1940s, the "Home Economics" classes taught in American High Schools were racist, sexist, and homophobic. The classes taught young ladies the basics of running a household and managing family finances, with a focus on hard work and living within one's means. Luckily for this country, their popularity has waned dramatically since then, replaced by more practical classes in art, volunteering, and diversity.

One far-sighted Princeton Professor is working to revive the concept, but with a modern twist. He is pushing a version of these classes inspired by President Obama's vision of "Government-side" economics, called "Home Obamanomics". Dr. Ralph Sliprie, author of the popular book "The Personal Responsibility Myth: Why You Can't Be Blamed For Your Actions", has been quietly meeting with enthusiastic High School administrators around the country, explaining his innovative ideas and helping them create curricula around them.

Dr. Sliprie explained why these classes are necessary, "Americans used to have this idea that the family was the basic unit of society, with mothers acting as the bedrock foundation and most important piece of that: teaching, guiding, and protecting.  Despite efforts to erase it, the notion persisted that mothers and fathers had different sets of skills and together they formed more than the sum of the parts.  However, most educated people know that government and pop culture are really the pillars our culture rests on and that instant gratification of urges and desires should override everything else.  Unfortunately, a few folks still believe in the anachronistic 'traditional family': father / mother / children.  It's especially sad for the children in these situations and something I've devoted my life to fixing."

His goal is to instill "updated" values in the nation's youth such as bailouts for failure, spending your way out of debt, services provided by a generous and benevolent Federal Government, and the "warm glow" that arises from having union dues automatically deducted from your paycheck "in the event your life choices happen to include working."

The classes will walk students through scenarios they might encounter in real life, and prescribe the best way to handle such things.  "For example," says Dr. Sliprie, "we all have bills due at the end of the month.  This class teaches you the practical life lesson of how to apply for government assistance to pay those bills.  Or how to petition the utility company to reduce your payments, because you are in debt, out of work, or just deserve it.  As extra credit, students can demonstrate publicly against private utility companies and press for government takeover of these things.  That way no one has to pay for it!"

"Bailout Smackdown" to be Proposed in State of the Union

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Obama will reportedly propose a new way to revive the economy this evening: Companies still owing bailout funds must send their leaders to a "no holds barred" steel cage match wrestling tournament to be held in Las Vegas, NV. The match-up will be shown on pay-per-view TV and internet and the winning corporation will have its debt forgiven. All proceeds will be placed in a slush fund for Congress to use "as it sees fit." The administration's unprecedented plan was leaked early Wednesday morning, and will be the centerpiece of his upcoming State of the Union address.

The President's staff has been scrambling for new ideas following the loss of the Ted Kennedy Memorial Senate Seat, and many felt this concept would "resonate with the people."  Bloggers were supportive, with one noting "We the people - and our children - have paid billions to bail these guys out. At least they could provide a little entertainment for us."

The Hell Gazette contacted several CEOs, many of whom liked the idea. Some appeared to let their competitive streak overcome their normally placid demeanors: frothing at the mouth in anticipation and attempting to intimidate potential opponents. An unnamed insurance company executive wearing a black leather mask was quoted as saying "I'm gonna take Whitacre apart - I'm gonna destroy him", referring to General Motor's new CEO, Ed Whitacre Jr.

The average age of the participants is 68, and the plan calls for a large staff of doctors and technicians to be on hand for the event. "The injuries this event should produce will provide not only good entertainment, but stimulus to the health care industry in the form of joint replacements and medicines. This is yet another benefit," the staffer added.

The Int'l Space Station's Plumber

HOUSTON, TX -- What do you do when you have a clogged toilet 220 miles from earth? You call Herman Plunck, "space plumber"! The terrestrial owner of Plunck's Plumbing in Houston has been working with NASA since repairing the latrine in Skylab in 1974.

Mr. Plunck explains how - with no prior flight experience - he was chosen to be NASA's unofficial plumbing contractor, "Well, in '74 they put the contract out for terlet [toilet] repairs as some kind of sub-contract for something else. Something bigger, jets or some such, don't remember. Anyhow, they needed to have a small business represented because of this here small business regulation. My cousin heard 'bout it and was funning with me one night after work, said I should submit a proposal. I did. I got that one, and the government contract officers say it's easier just to keep going with the same contractor, what with the paperwork and all."

He has made 4 spaceflights, including that first one. "Over the years I've fixed clogged sinks, stuck terlets, showers - all kinds of stuff up there" he says, pointing skyward. "I even have special space tools that the government bought for me" he states, gesturing toward a bag containing what appear to be ordinary plumbing tools spray-painted silver.

While Mr. Plunck only gets called every 10 years or so, he does his best to keep in shape in between flights, "I chase my dog.  Mostly when he grabs the remote and runs off. Durn dog."

2010 Adopt-A-Rocket Fundraiser

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Imagine this all-too-common scene: a small Israeli boy sits on the floor in Sderot, shivering a little from the cold. The alarm sirens have been going off for hours and he is in a cramped and dirty bomb shelter. He is scared. He is hungry. He is praying to some non-Allah god for protection.
Please help Hamas drop explosives on that boy, sending him and his family to his god!

It's time again for the

Hamas Adopt-A-Rocket Fundraiser

Now more than ever, we need your help. Your generous donation enables us to continue to rain death and destruction upon civilians in Israel's populated urban centers.

Donate today and we'll send you the serial number, specifications, and a photograph of your sponsored rocket. You'll receive regular status updates as it bravely makes its way from a factory in Iran until it is smuggled into and set up in Gaza - ready to kill and maim Zionists.

Provide us with your personal message of hatred for Israel, and we'll have a literate Palestinian write it on the side of your rocket.

Will you help us finally wipe Israel off the map?
Please donate today.

Also, don't miss the Hamas telethon, airing Feb. 15, 2010 and hosted
once again by former US President Jimmy Carter!

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Air America Bankrupt / Owners Switch Political Parties

NEW YORK, NY -- Left-wing radio station Air America Media closed up shop last week, ending a rocky, unprofitable 6 year run that investors called "worse than Fannie Mae."  The real news, however, is that of the 7 owners of the company, 6 have changed political outlook and now consider themselves "conservative."  The 7th committed suicide.

The remaining owners, who are trying to keep the defections secret in order to continue friendships with "the cool kids", gave several reasons why they now believe that a smaller, less intrusive government is the best possible political system.  "We'd never run a business before, and we figured out pretty quick it is hard work and not as easy as you might think.  Having the FCC, IRS, EPA, and a hundred other government regulators breathing down your neck about everything makes that job a hundred times worse.  After we figured out that government is usually the problem - not the solution - it was a pretty awful feeling listening to our programming, and realizing it was a bunch of nonsense.  It felt like we were living a lie."  Living that lie is the suspected reason for the suicide of the 7th owner, whose cryptic bedside note said only "Rush is Right."

When asked whether another left-wing radio network will appear to replace Air America, the owners sounded pessimistic "I doubt it.  We tried to target the folks that appreciate the hard-hitting journalism of Jon Stewart and Katie Couric.  Unfortunately, very few of them would switch the radio dial off Howard Stern.  And to be honest, when they did switch there wasn't much to listen to anyway - towards the end, we found it easier and less expensive to just keep looping the hosts braying 'Dems are Good, Tea Bags Bad' for the better part of the day.  None of our listeners could tell the difference."