February 16, 2010

Under-medaled Nations "Win" Big at Vancouver

VANCOUVER, CANADA -- Switzerland, the US, Germany, and France will be forced to give some of their Olympic medals to "less fortunate" countries this year under new International Olympic Committee guidelines. Ghana, Jamaica, Cyprus, Morocco, and Ethiopia were deemed the least likely to win a medal and will receive some combination of gold, silver and bronze from the countries that "have more than they can use."

The concept of redistributing medals was inspired by practices in nearly every Western nation that take resources from the successful and provide them to the less successful, so that everyone feels better. The Committee decided 8 years ago that this practice was the goal, but has been locked in debate whether it was better to redistribute the medals after competition, or change the rules during competition so that countries that don't have "the ambition or ability to win" could still receive the trappings of victory.

"The problem" says IOC representative Rudolph Van Bremen, "is that changing the rules during play became too complicated. We looked at downhill skiing and were trying to work out a way to tie different sized boat anchors to competitors, based upon the Gross Domestic Product of their native lands. Our analysis showed that this wouldn't ensure the winners we wanted, so then we looked at having prosperous nations use barrel staves instead of skis. The barrel staves were ruled out as not environmentally friendly, since they contained treated wood. In the end, we decided it was best to just let the competitors devote their lives to earning their prizes, then take them away and give them to someone else."

Mr. Van Bremen wiped away a tear of joy as the African desert nation of Ethopia was granted a silver medal for Alpine Skiing. As he recounted the tale of "a bewildered potato farmer" who was tapped to become that nation's skiing champion by Ethopian Prime Minister Meles Zenawi, Mr. Bremen was visibly moved and said quietly "this is what we have been working for all these years."

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