February 23, 2010

Rainbow/PUSH Coalition Changes Direction, Teaches Self Reliance

CHICAGO, IL -- In a surprise move, activist Jessie Jackson announced an epiphany resulting in a fundamental change in perspective. He gave notice that his Rainbow/PUSH coalition will "cease all racial blackmail operations, effective immediately." He instead plans to help people learn to take responsibility for their own actions and live moral, productive lives.

The sometimes controversial former Presidential candidate revealed the impetus for his unusual change in direction during an emotional press conference. "The Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr appeared to me in a dream on Christmas Eve. He explained how his dream of racial harmony has been achieved and that the things I've been doing for the last 25 years or so have actually been working against those goals by inciting racial hatred and division. I have erred and am truly sorry."

After pausing to collect himself, he continued "I woke up in a cold sweat, fearing for my soul. Then my mind got the better of me, and I told myself it was just a bad dream. Fortunately, the seed of doubt had been planted."

Reverend Jackson detailed his experience of taking a break from activism to travel all over the country and take special notice of how people were treating one another. "Everywhere I went, I saw it was true! Blacks, whites, and every color and creed were treating each other with respect and real friendship. I noticed it at every school and park I visited, in every state: the little black children and the little white children played together and their parents sat on benches together, nearby, talking quietly. It dawned on me: the only one that is upset and yelling about race anymore is.... me."

He then went on to explain how he first considered starting a mortgage company that would specialize in "poor folks who can't afford mortgages," but on looking closer realized the "futility in that, based on the available evidence."  Instead, the new purpose of the Rainbow/PUSH coalition will be to instill in the people it serves a sense of self reliance. "It is easy and un-productive to blame others for your problems. It is easy to say that Government should help me.  If I can cause people to start being dependent on themselves and not the government, perhaps I can undo the damage that has resulted from my behavior of the last couple decades."

In unrelated news, flying pigs have been reported in northern Iowa.


  1. Flying pigs? I hope they aren't being descriminated against.

  2. The unconfirmed rumor is they're flying towards Washington to be part of the next 'porkulus' package.

  3. They were seen in Nebraska as well. Sen. Ben Nelson is said to have hauled in a few of them in recent months, saying "Good trade..."