January 27, 2010

"Bailout Smackdown" to be Proposed in State of the Union

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Obama will reportedly propose a new way to revive the economy this evening: Companies still owing bailout funds must send their leaders to a "no holds barred" steel cage match wrestling tournament to be held in Las Vegas, NV. The match-up will be shown on pay-per-view TV and internet and the winning corporation will have its debt forgiven. All proceeds will be placed in a slush fund for Congress to use "as it sees fit." The administration's unprecedented plan was leaked early Wednesday morning, and will be the centerpiece of his upcoming State of the Union address.

The President's staff has been scrambling for new ideas following the loss of the Ted Kennedy Memorial Senate Seat, and many felt this concept would "resonate with the people."  Bloggers were supportive, with one noting "We the people - and our children - have paid billions to bail these guys out. At least they could provide a little entertainment for us."

The Hell Gazette contacted several CEOs, many of whom liked the idea. Some appeared to let their competitive streak overcome their normally placid demeanors: frothing at the mouth in anticipation and attempting to intimidate potential opponents. An unnamed insurance company executive wearing a black leather mask was quoted as saying "I'm gonna take Whitacre apart - I'm gonna destroy him", referring to General Motor's new CEO, Ed Whitacre Jr.

The average age of the participants is 68, and the plan calls for a large staff of doctors and technicians to be on hand for the event. "The injuries this event should produce will provide not only good entertainment, but stimulus to the health care industry in the form of joint replacements and medicines. This is yet another benefit," the staffer added.

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