ARLINGTON, VA -- Commander-In-Chief Barrack Obama has been vocal and active about promoting homosexuality in the US military because "it improves Esprit De Corps." He has also been quietly pursuing other modifications to the nation's military policies, intended to increase effectiveness.
A classified document enumerating the administration's changes was leaked to the press this past week. As a responsible media outlet, The Hell Gazette will now provide this information to the general public, including America's enemies:
- The Oath of Office is to be replaced by a "don't ask / don't tell" policy regarding commitment to the US constitution.
- Soldiers will now be allowed to "express their individuality" by adding "flair" to their uniforms.
- The gas-guzzling HUMVEE troop transportation vehicle is to be replaced by an up-armored version of the more efficient - if not quite as safe - Smart Car, dubbed the "running rabbit" by soldiers.
- Field hospitals in theater will be authorized to utilize local pharmaceutical substances such as hashish and opiates if soldiers require them for "medicinal purposes."
- The Army Song is to be replaced by the Edwin Starr classic "War". "Kumbaya" was reportedly considered, but rejected as "too religious."
Dismantling the complete nuclear arsenal of H-bombs, as a sign of good will to other nations. This policy is officially called "putting the genie back into the bottle" and more informally known as "peace through weakness." Military branches are already training in the use of a replacement weapon: the less deadly but far less expensive F-bomb.
China, Russia, and Iran applauded these far-sighted changes, with one embassy employee remarking "there may be peace in our lifetime yet."
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