Army Moves Away From Outdated Concept of "Fighting" Enemy

FORWARD OPERATING BASE BRAVO, AFGHANISTAN -- "The new way to fight the enemy on the battlefield is to not shoot at them. Especially an enemy that doesn't follow the traditional rules of warfare, which are intended to limit civilian deaths." These are words from a high-ranking NATO commander discussing the proposal to award a "courageous restraint" medal to soldiers who don't fight the enemy when it could harm a civilian, property, or livestock. She went on to explain that "in the past, we fought the enemy by finding them and killing them. The new way is to 'kill' them with kindness. This new medal for restraint during combat will reward our nicest soldiers out there. Our computer models indicate this method will win the war eventually."

US Officials are confident that this new strategy will be effective in beating a zealous, determined enemy. They note that the enemy's strategy is at odds with Western sensitivities and will eventually be their downfall, once news outlets start reporting it. They cite several examples of the "really mean-spirited" campaign enemy soldiers have been waging for years in Afghanistan: wearing no uniform, deliberately targeting innocent civilians, hiding amongst the regular population, and cash awards for combatants who kill civilians.

In closing the NATO Commander noted that "Our new US Army is part of the Peace and Love plan that we just know will convince the enemy what nice people we are and make them lay down their arms. I'm convinced of it and I know our Commander-In-Chief is, too."

NASA to Work With Muslim Nations on "Space Stuff"

"NASA is used to working in dangerous, extreme environments.  We think that is why the President wants us to start working with Muslim nations," said NASA Administrator Charles Bolden, clarifying an Al Jazeera interview he gave three weeks ago where he revealed NASA's new direction.

The region of the Middle East, whose last major contribution to the world's scientific advancement was the abacus in approximately 2700 BC, is not usually thought of as an effective partner for scientific endeavors. Nonetheless, President Obama has ordered NASA to partner with Muslim nations on space travel and make Muslim "outreach" their main focus, with a "close second" being space travel and exploration.

Following the news of NASA's new goals, Paramount executives released details of a new science fiction show entitled "Star Trek: Journey to the Middle East" which depicts highly trained officers from the elite NASA Peace Corps Academy traveling to where "no civilized man has gone before."  They dodge strange and illogical creatures intent on destroying them, while trying to provide food, clothing, and medicines.

White House Kicks Off "Everyone is a Czar" Program

WASHINGTON, DC -- The President's staff kicked off the new "Everyone is Czar" program this week at a White House Rose Garden celebration.  "We're telling everyone without a job to come here to Washington and become a Czar," said the program's coordinator, Michelle Slushy.

The initiative is targeted at people that have run out of unemployment benefits, which staffers say initially made the program difficult to run.  "The administration has wanted this program from day one.  Unfortunately, we were originally in conflict with the unemployment program. Every time we'd try to start the 'Everyone is a Czar' program, they'd extend the amount of time someone can receive unemployment benefits. Someone getting paid to do nothing is not going to be interested in the possibility of having to work, even if they do get a prestigious title like 'Czar'," the staffer noted, with a laugh.

"So we decided to coordinate with them - make lemons out of lemonade. You can stay on unemployment for 18 months, then - as a reward - you have the option to roll over into a Czar job. We choose what you are Czar of from the dictionary, starting with Aardvark. We are currently interviewing for Carp Czar."

Supreme Court Rules Against Aiding Terrorists

WASHINGTON, DC -- "This is an outrage. They have undermined my freedom to support murderers and thugs. Next, they'll rule you aren't allowed to send money and gifts to convicted felons in prison," says Patricia McFlem-Sahid incredulously, as she shakes her tiny fists.

She is the wife of Assan Sahid, who is being held in a Federal Penitentiary on weapons charges related to an attempt to murder bartenders at Martha's Vineyard in late 2008. Mrs. McFlem-Sahid was reacting to the Supreme Court decision this week that prevents US Citizens from providing material support to terrorists and terrorist organizations.  "They threw the book at my husband and locked him up for life without parole, and I now can't even send money to his family and business partners in Gaza."

A spokesperson for the Obama administration admitted that they see this decision as a setback to their policy of peaceful cohabitation with terrorists, and are considering ways to make the best of a bad situation. An unnamed aid stated "One way being considered is to take a long, hard look at the list of terrorist organizations. We've been making the case that these Tea Party folks and other rabid right-wingers should be on the list since 'Big B' took office. By the same token, some groups on the list should probably be taken off - peaceful but misunderstood organizations like The Al-Shazam Jew-killers Brigade, for instance. Their humanitarian wing teaches young Syrians how to play bingo - what could more peaceful than that?"

Congress Mulls Mandating More Private Company Hiring

WASHINGTON, DC -- As the US Labor Department released payroll figures today showing payrolls up 431,000 in May, the revelation that 95% of these were temporary census workers has caused Congress to consider ways to help the private sector "catch up" on the significant hiring and spending that the Government has been doing.  The front runner is a bill from Senator Joe Skwerly (D-NY) which would make all privately-held companies hire 7% more employees before November of this year.

Mr. Skwerly noted at a press conference "We've tried everything else we could think of to 'prime the pump' on private industry hiring. More regulations, more taxes, more government debt, more oversight - nothing seems to be working. At this point, we're done messing around - we'll just make it law.  Problem solved."

Many in Congress and the press applauded Mr. Skwerly's "strong and effective" approach to the problem and it is rumored he may seek the Democratic Presidential nomination in 2012 as "a man who can get things done."  The John Maynard Keynes Economics Chair at Columbia University, Dr. Martin Dunse, noted "If I were advising the President, I'd suggest a two-pronged approach: hire more census workers - since anyone hired at least 1 hour per month counts as a new hire - and push for implementation of Senator Skwerly's brilliant and far-sighted plan."

Victims of English Gunman to be Charged With Ammo Possession

CUMBRIA, ENGLAND -- Wounded survivors of a gunman in Southern England will be formally charged with firearm violations for possessing ammunition.  "Evidence that these people possess banned ammunition is being removed from many of their bodies as we speak," said the Assistant to the Deputy Chief Constable, Ian Wright.  The gunman apparently killed himself after the crimes and "will therefore not be charged with various firearm and ammunition possession charges," he continued "but we're fairly certain he broke a lot of laws and would have been in big trouble."

Gun control experts at the non-partisan think-thank Ban Firearms Now (BFN) were quick to note how well the laws worked in England and lamented that the US still "clings" to gun ownership, despite multiple high-profile shootings.  "The UK banned private gun ownership for all law-abiding citizens after just two high profile shootings in a 10 year time span that claimed a total of 32 lives.  Where is it written that we can't do the same here in the US?  If you look only at the number of celebrities we've lost from gun violence over the years, it adds up to more than 32."

The gun control debate in the US is similar to the debate in England over the banning of passenger flights after the Lockerbie airline bombing in 1988 killed 270 people.  Conservatives pushed for the punishment of terrorists and terrorism, but many others thought it better to ban commercial flying instead.  Historian Ian Parker at the University of Cambridge has studied the issue and noted "The proposed ban on flying for the general public did not pass that year, but the bill is still under consideration, 20 years later.  This issue opens up again every time there is a tragedy in the air - we can point to that and say 'If we had only banned flying, this would not have happened.'  It makes sense to me, but I suppose we need to keep educating people."

NYT Files FOIA Request for President's Golf Scores

OAK BLUFFS, MA -- Despite promises to be the most "open and transparent" administration in history during the campaign, the Obama administration has not been allowing reporters near the President when he is golfing.  Wild speculation about his scores and scorekeeping has been keeping world economies jittery for the past 15 months or so.

The New York Times finally decided to file a Freedom of Information Act request on behalf of "concerned world citizens everywhere" to get the White House to release all of the Presidents golf scores since entering
office in January, 2009.

"'We The People' need to know," said a lawyer representing the New York Times.  "It is about accountability and also about honesty - how can we trust a person if we don't know how they golf?  Kim Jong-Il released his golf scores, why can't the leader of the Free World?"

Feds Start Helping With Oil Spill, Add Paperwork and Taxes

BARATARIA BAY, LA -- Since the British Petroleum oil rig explosion occurred on April 20, spilling oil into the Gulf of Mexico, critics have been charging that the government hasn't been doing enough.  Government officials have fired back by noting three areas that the Federal Government has been using its wealth of expertise and manpower to help out: taxation, regulation, and grandstanding.

Congress is working on a bill tentatively called the "Oil Spill Prevention Act."  The legislation hasn't been released to the public for comment yet, but a person familiar with the proposal said "We have been working at warp speed, trying to get this bill passed as quickly as can be, before any more accidents happen.  We worked so quickly, we haven't even had a chance yet to put together a catchy name or acronym for the bill."  The legislation will rely on the time-tested truism first spoken by Daniel Webster that "the power to tax is the power to destroy", and will therefore levy huge taxes against oil spills in the future in hopes of preventing them altogether.  If successful, there are future plans to have similar taxes for airplane crashes and car accidents.

The Environmental Protection Agency has been contributing to the cleanup by overseeing and offering advice.  "We're going to do everything we know how to do" explained Milford Pilfer, moments before his helicopter took off to survey the oil spill in a 2 hour sightseeing trip that cost about $80,000 in fuel and personnel costs.  Upon his return, Mr. Pilfer appeared rejuvenated and reportedly had "dozens of new regulations in mind."

In addition, the President's staff has reported that Obama wanted to go to the gulf region and personally "organize some communities down there" but was convinced to stay in Washington instead.  "The President is going to be digging in - figuratively, of course - by appointing committees and investigations.  The hope is that by giving the cleanup crews and companies involved more problems to deal with, it will speed things up and make the cleanup more successful.  We'd like to replicate the successes of Federal involvement with the Hurricane Katrina cleanup."

Dead Crime Victims Protest Supreme Court Decision

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Supreme Court ruling this week that prevents juvenile offenders from receiving life-without-parole sentences has generated controversy, as a large group of dead crime victims rose from their graves and mounted a somber protest on the steps of the Supreme Court Building.

While the Supreme Court decision specifically applied only to crimes short of homicide, dead victim Shelly Wallfield of Ohio, noted "My killer was convicted as a youth twice for armed robbery and attempted murder. Had he been locked up at age 17 for life, he never would have killed me when he was 25. He'd still be rotting in jail. Instead, I've been rotting in my grave, as you can plainly see", displaying gruesome wounds and her rotting flesh, evidence of being dead and buried for the last 14 months.  She added "The Supreme Court just doesn't get it. The ones that voted in favor of this resolution should try being dead for a while before they make any more stupid decisions like that.  We tried to get a few of the dead, former Supreme Court Justices to come help us plead our case, but nearly all said they made rulings based on what the US Constitution says and what the framers intended.  Since that is out of fashion these days, they didn't think they could help us much."

Other dead protesters echoed Shelly's sentiments, with one saying "The point we're trying to make is these kids have no conscience.  Letting them back into society is a bad idea, and isn't fair to those innocent souls out there who are that kid's next victim.  I was killed by a repeat offender, who had been been in and out of jail since he was about 14.  No one held a gun to his head and made him hold a gun to my head: he made that choice all by himself.  Now my wife has no husband and my kids have no dad.  Does that sound 'cruel and unusual' to you?"

CDC Worried About Islam / Mental Ilness Link

ATLANTA, GA -- "My first thought when hearing about the Times Square bomber, was 'No - not another one!'" says Dr. Jackson "Jack" Ath, the principle investigator tracking the strange link between "lone wolf" homicidal criminals and the Muslim faith.  "This disease - whatever it is - has claimed another. Luckily for us all, the poor man didn't harm anyone this time, but it is still yet another troubling sign of the pervasiveness of this illness."

Dr. Ath and his colleagues at The World Health Organization have been tracking and studying this unusual correlation since about January 2009.  "We're not sure what the cause is exactly," he explains.  "It could be related to diet; a lack of pork or the fasting that occurs during Ramadan.  Perhaps it has something to do with facing East more often than the general population. It is possible dogs provide some sort of immunity from this illness in addition to being 'man's best friend.'  We really don't have an answer at this time, but we are committed to finding it before another person succumbs to this dreaded affliction."

The only information they have is that the disease causes some form of mental illness that makes individuals want to commit random murder and property damage. They usually try to kill as many people as possible and meticulously plan their crimes for weeks or months. Three prominent cases have been in the news the last year, first the "Ft. Hood Shooter", then the "Christmas Day Bomber" and now the "Times Square Bomber." In every case, the perpetrator of these unusual crimes acted alone and happened to also be an active member of the peaceful Muslim faith.  No motive has been found in any of the cases, but the investigations are all still pending.

Dr. Ath has tracked cases of the disease as far back as the 1970s.  "I just hope we find the cause, and then a cure," he concludes. "Our data shows that the instances of it happening are increasing every year.  If this goes on much longer or one of these isolated individuals successfully commits a mass murder, it might make people think badly of zealous Muslims.  Muslims might start to get treated differently than everyone else, purely based on their religious views. That would probably be the most tragic result of all."

Lawyers Propose New Category Between "Legal" and "Illegal"

The group Justice Enhancement by Reducing Criminality has proposed a new category between "Legal" and "Illegal" stating the dividing line between the two is currently "too harsh" and should be made more gentle. Their solution creates a new legal status called "Technically Illegal, But For Good Reason" which would apply whenever someone commits a crime for "noble reasons", including helping children, combating racism and injustice, or saving the earth.

The not-for-profit organization, made up primarily of trial lawyers, states its mission as "Protecting the underprivileged by suing big companies with deep pockets."  The Hell Gazette managed a brief interview with the CEO of this organization, Lawrence Bernstein, as he stepped off one of his Lear jets last week.

HG: Please sum up for our readers why you feel this move is necessary.
LB: Our goal is to make justice a little less blind.  Too many times in this country, the "little guy" has no control over his life.  Sometimes he commits crimes, but those so-called crimes are really a plea for help.  Why should someone be punished for trying to lead a selfless, noble life?  Think of Robin Hood: it should not be against the law to rob fat-cat bankers or CEOs of profit-producing companies. Currently, the only option we have is to sue when people are unjustly accused of crimes.  Our organization is interested in changing the law itself so people accused of such things as robbery and murder can't be charged if they can prove they were doing it for the Greater Good or to help others less fortunate.  Like using the temporary insanity defense in a criminal trial: it is a game changer.
HG: How has your campaign been going so far?
LB: Honestly?  Not very well so far. But the party currently in power has been very open and receptive to the idea, provided it will, uh, benefit their members.  We've had several highly successful meetings over lunch and at parties to help spread our message.
HG: A review of your finances shows you have been donating to the campaigns of judges in key positions. Is it related to this current effort?
LB: Yes it is.  Well, actually it is related to most of what we call our 'charitable litigation' work.

NBA To Support Illegal Immigration with Spanish-speaking Referees

PHOENIX, AZ -- As the Phoenix Suns prepare to support "multiculturalism and illegal immigration" by wearing jerseys saying "Los Suns" on them today, the NBA has decided to take the concept one step further by implementing "all Spanish" refereeing until the Arizona immigration enforcement law is repealed. The idea, according to a NBA official involved in the project, is to "make people wake up and realize where this nation is heading" by having the referees speak exclusively Spanish to coaches, players, and the crowd during games.  A secondary effect will be to force fans and players to "brush up on their Spanish, if they want to know what's going on", according to the official. The television networks will likely add subtitles to televised basketball games.

NBA players, many of whom hold Associate Degrees in Political Science from colleges with strong basketball programs, are well-informed about immigration issues and occasionally consulted as experts by the President's staff.  Suns guard Steve Nash had this to say, "The issue of immigration is very complex.  On one hand you having people sneaking into this country illegally, and Arizona is interested in enforcing the laws that prevent that.  On the other hand, you have people like us that say 'Stop!  Enforcing laws might offend someone!'"  He went on to say that he had several small colonies of squatters living on his land and he loved having them there.  Not only is it very difficult to have them removed from his land, "he wouldn't want them to leave anyway."

Another NBA idea that has met some resistance from players is to switch the payment systems from American Dollars to Mexican Pesos, which, according to league officials "is legitimate currency the world over."

Middle-aged White Men Breathe Easy As Likely "Times Square Bomber" Caught

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Middle aged white men around the country relaxed this morning as they realized they wouldn't be living under a cloud of suspicion any longer regarding the failed Times Square bombing earlier this week.  In an unlikely turn of events, an American of Pakistani descent, Faisal Shahzad, was apprehended at JFK airport as he tried to escape the country and is now the prime suspect in the crime.  Initial descriptions of the attacker as a "middle aged white man" had immediately put the middle aged white man community on edge.

"It still gets to you, you know?" said one man, who asked that his name not be used for fear of retribution.  "Every time there is a crime or something happens, people immediately start blaming us. You learn to just ignore the glares and the quiet comments. Police harassment, children pointing and huddling closer to their mothers, the occasional outburst and threats - I take things day by day.  I have been pulled over several times since the description of the bomber came out.  I just chalked it up to 'driving while white and middle-aged.'  Most of us are used to it by now."

Experts say middle aged white guys are responsible for nearly every horrible thing in America's past and present, and constant reminders of this on television and in the press have stirred up resentment among the general populace.  Prof. Mary Dunkley of the University of Vermont and State Agricultural College, a noted expert on these matters, remarked "Look at their track record: capitalism, Enron, the Titanic, the Trail of Tears, game shows, the boy band 'O-town' - need I go on?  Put simply: if it is bad, it was probably caused by a middle aged white guy."

UPDATE: Islam NOT Offended by Cartoon

Editor's note: The following article has been updated with breaking news, noted throughout by bold and strike-through text as an aid for readers who may have read the previous version of the article, which was released before final editing.
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- The religion of Islam has not been offended for the fourth time in recent decades, as Comedy Central's hit show South Park will show a cartoon depiction of Mohammed allow characters in the show to talk about Mohammed air a new episode that was originally to contain something that might have referenced Mohammed.

This would have marked marks the fourth time that Islam has been offended since the 1970s, the previous being the novel The Satanic Verses, the movie Submission, and a political cartoon depicting Mohammed shown with a bomb in his turban.  All previous offenses resulted in the murder or attempted murder of the offenders.

The edgy controversial adult cartoon South Park previously agreed to self-censor itself in 2006 by not showing Mohammed's cartoon image as originally planned. This time, again however, the show's creators prevailed and Comedy Central bravely decided declined to allow Mohammed to be discussed on the show as a part of an organized religion "three-fer" insult.  During the episode, Christianity is insulted, then Buddhism, then Islam in a comedic triple-play double-play.

Free speech enthusiasts throughout the United States and around the world applauded the courage of the network to stand up to bullying by free speech enthusiasts Islamists, and noted that this could be the start of a change in Western popular culture, which currently treats Islam differently when it comes to censorship by giving in to all threats. Award-winning journalist Jon Stewart, also of Comedy Central, noted with pride "this is similar to Winston Churchill finally standing up to the Nazis during World War II - I am proud to be a part of this network." "This is similar to how Neville Chamberlain wisely chose to allow Nazi Germany a few limited concessions prior to World War II, which nearly spared the world a horrific war.  I am proud to be a part of this network."

AZ Law Makes Illegal Acts "More Illegal"

Phoenix, AZ -- The Arizona legislature decided two weeks ago to make it illegal to enter the US illegally.  The new laws are intended to enforce the laws which already exist in this country making it illegal to cross the Federal border from other countries without following the proper channels.  It is estimated that millions of Mexican citizens have entered this country illegally over the past 10 years, presenting a growing burden of entitlements and social services, as well increasing the crime problem in various southern parts of the country.

The Arizona measure was met with two opposing protests.  The new enforcement policies are strongly supported by the group "Legal Immigrants for Border Enforcement" which consists of hundreds of thousands of legal immigrants that entered this country from India, China, Poland, and about thirty other countries.  A member of the group had strong opinions about the Arizona laws and expressed them forcefully "All of us came here with respect for our new country - the nation of freedom, justice, and opportunity.  We learned the language of our new land, and followed the sometimes painful immigration laws to the letter.  For nearly all of us, that meant years on waiting lists, appointments and interviews with immigration officials and often thousands of dollars spent on consultations with immigrations lawyers. It is wrong that folks from other countries think it is ok to walk in and then expect Americans like us to not be angry about it."

The second group called itself "Immigrants Against Racist and Unjust Gringo Policy."  An unofficial IARUGP spokesperson stated "These laws are unjust and racist. The reason we left Mexico is because drug cartels are taking over there.  There is no rule of law, there is no order and people just do what they want without regard to anyone else.  Killings, robbery, kidnappings - you name it. So we come here to this racist, unjust country and we see a different world.  We like that everyone else here obeys the law.  Our first act on arriving here is to disobey the laws against entering the country. Then many of us work illegally or try to get forged paperwork and get on welfare.  We love this unjust, racist country!"

Palin-phobia Is a Real Disease

Dear Mr. Circenses,

I want to alert the general public about an epidemic that is afflicting this nation.   Your Hell Gazette seems a suitable venue for this warning.  Your readers are generally smarter and better-informed than the average citizen, and I'm hoping they than help me spread the word about this disease before it is too late.
 The disease I refer to is called "Palin-phobia."  It is the fear and loathing of anything having to with Sarah Palin.  The symptoms of this disease are a strong urge to write and say irrational things when you even hear her name mentioned.  If you read any article about her, you will see the afflicted writing comments about the story that don't make sense, and are usually just a clumsy attack against her intelligence.

I've been studying the disease since late 2008 and have determined that the primary symptom above is often accompanied by feelings of paranoia and isolation.  It seems to be closely related to the disease I wrote about several years back called "Foxnews-phobia."  At this time, I know of no cure and both diseases are quite serious, often resulting in dementia and the loss of most cognitive ability.

If enough folks begin to recognize it as a medical condition, perhaps we can go beyond just laughing at the afflicted and actually finding effective treatments for those that can still be saved.

Sincerely, 
Gregory L. Remington, MD

Congressman Claims He Was "Uh, Lynched"

WASHINGTON, DC -- Following the scandalous possible but unverified use of a racial slur weeks ago by an unknown  person in a crowd who may or may not have been associated with the Tea Party movement, one of the Congressman involved has come forward with the revelation that he also was lynched. "I was walking to the Capital to vote and a large mob appeared all around me.  I was called names, and spit upon. Then I was kicked and punched, then, uh, lynched and murdered," said Rep. Emanuel Cleaver of Missouri.  After questions regarding the lack of physical evidence or any recording of the incident, he added "I got better."

Although no proof of these allegations has yet been found, most reporters have deemed the story credible and have been trumpeting the accusations.  As one reporter from the New York Times noted, "Who  are you going to believe? An honest politician who has nothing to gain from these accusations, or a bunch of rabble who have nothing better to do than stand outside all day and shout things at our duly elected officials?  Besides, this is racism we are talking about here - the worst of all possible things."

"This controversy has eroded what little support the Tea Party movement had in this country and promises to finally break up the disorganized group" says a well-known nightly news anchor who declined to be named.  She went on to say "the Tea Party will never resonate with the people of this country, because it is based upon the principles of constitutional limits of government power and personal freedom. We the People don't believe in any of that stuff."

Anti-Tea Party Teacher Came From Long Line of Anti-Freedom Activists

BEAVERTON, OR -- Middle school teacher and anti-Tea Party infiltrator Jason Levin is descendant from a long, proud line of "freedom haters" say friends. Levin has generated national fame because of his website, which encourages fellow activists to try to embarrass and disrupt the "Tea Party" movement.

"He said he really hated that Tea Party people were taking the time and energy to be heard and present their political views. He said it was the duty of citizens to try to silence peaceable assembly and free expression by any means possible: subterfuge, lying, deception, whatever," said an acquaintance of Mr. Levin, who asked not be named out of fear of retaliation. "He kept going on and on about how Tea Partiers shouldn't be allowed to carry signs, chant things, and stand up for what they believe in - only aggrieved minorities had that right. I tried to point out - politely, of course, as he is the type that will key your car in the middle of the night - that these were concerned taxpayers.  Since people who actually pay federal taxes are now a minority in this country, shouldn't they be allowed to have their opinions?  He said no way."

The Hell Gazette has determined that Mr. Levin is a direct descendant of at least two other historical anti-freedom agitators. The first was a devoted Tory named Thaddeus Levin, who lived during the American Revolution and tried to infiltrate the original Boston Tea Party group and prevent or disrupt the gathering. He was discovered and run out of town, according to newspapers accounts.

The second was John Levin who joined the Civil Rights March on Washington in 1963 with the intent to embarrass the organizers by wearing blackface and carrying a sign with the deliberately misspelled message "We Needs Mo Freedum."  He was turned away from the march once the plans were discovered.

Happy Tax Day

Happy Tax Day
(to the half of the nation that still pays taxes)

The Hell Gazette would like to encourage everyone to wear red today in solidarity with how our government is run: "in the red."

And remember to keep those checks coming, not that you really have a choice.

Thousands of lobbyists and politicians are relying on your dollars!

Va. Guv Wanted to Avoid Embarrassing "The Party of Slavery"

RICHMOND, VA -- Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell recently revived the practice of celebrating Confederate History Month, but was quickly embroiled in controversy because the proclamation did not include any reference to slavery.  The Governor later issued an apology for the omission, stating "I did this because I did not want to embarrass my Democratic colleagues, as theirs was formerly the party of slavery.  That is, they are the ones that fought since the beginning of the republic to not only perpetuate slavery, but also extend it to the border states prior to the Civil War.  These actions were directly responsible for the war, in which over 500,000 white citizens died in a struggle to eradicate the institution of slavery in America."

At a press conference about the issue, he continued, "As a member of the party of Abraham Lincoln, I just didn't want to bring it up and remind folks that the Democrats were not only supporters of slavery but also actively opposed civil rights legislation and integration during the 1960s.  We figured it was just better to leave that whole issue alone, rather than embarrass people.  My intent was only to honor the part of the Civil War struggle that dealt with what many people still feel is a state's legitimate right to secede from the union."

State Dept Updates Request From "Please" to "Pretty Please"

WASHINGTON, DC -- At this week's Nuclear Security Summit, the US State Department has officially upgraded their request that countries not supply weapons and support to terrorists from "Please" to "Pretty Please."  Obama declined to authorize "Pretty Please With a Cherry On Top," saying "we're waiting to see how this approach works."  Iran and North Korea, referred to by the current President as the "axis of peace and prosperity", are two of the nations that the State Department has directed this tough action against.

A State Department staff member was quoted as saying "our pleading is going to get stronger and more forceful until we get what we want.  History has shown that dictators and strongmen can't be reasoned with very well, but respond favorably when nations debase themselves and beg a little. This President isn't afraid to bow down to these guys if it gets results."  The staffer added hastily, "we're expecting results any day now."

Tough Year for Corruption

WASHINGTON, DC -- The National Association for the Promotion of Corruption (NAPC) has given its stamp of approval to the Obama administration. This little known, but well-funded organization has been quietly advancing the cause of corruption in public office for about 80 years.

"All in all, it's been a tough year for corruption," said NAPC President Donald Swill. "We lost some real stalwarts in Congress; first Kennedy, then Murtha. These folks were giants of corruption: people that are difficult to replace. In addition, Rangel lost his Chairmanship and ACORN lost its funding. These are setbacks for corrupt behavior.  Luckily, we see a lot of promise in the Obama administration."

He went on to cite examples of shady behavior that he called the "bright spots" of last year. "The TARP funds come to mind - the audacity to borrow trillions and then funnel it to friends and allies. This was a beacon of hope for those of us who value immoral behavior. Then the various efforts at propaganda, from delivering messages directly to classrooms to the whole Ellie White thing. We feel this is an administration that really thinks about duping its citizens in some new and innovative ways."

Mr. Swill's biggest regret is the loss of of Ted Kennedy. "I could go on and on about Teddy, but suffice to say he won the MCP [Most Corrupt Politician] a record 8 times in the last 30 years. That is our highest award, and every year there is pretty fierce competition for it. We're considering honoring his legacy by creating a new award: The Ted Kennedy Lifetime Achievement Award. An award like this will inspire the next generation of politicians to dig deep into themselves - and the taxpayer's pockets - to lie, cheat, steal, and break laws to benefit themselves and their friends."

Despite periodic setbacks, Mr. Swill has never lost hope about the future of corruption in America. "While I think it will be many years before we reach the levels of Mexico or China, I think we as a nation are definitely headed that way. More nationalization of private industry would help, as would the continued decay of individual rights.  Overall, I have a lot of hope that change is on its way for this country."

Pope Declares Holy War on Islam

VATICAN CITY -- The leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI, has officially declared Holy War on the religion of Islam, reciprocating Islam's war declaration 800 years ago.

This act by the Catholic church marks the first counter-declaration of war by one of the many foes of Islam. The embattled religion is currently engaged in a many-fronted conflict with Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, democracy, civilization, the scientific method, cartoons, movies, running water and electricity, and women's fashions.  The war on women's fashion is reportedly the only one currently doing well, with halter tops and high heels pushed back and in retreat everywhere.

The Catholic Church's plans and broader strategy for the war have not been released, but speculation by experts is that they plan to stop "turning the other cheek" when attacked by jihadists and will instead start to protect themselves and organize to retake lost territory.  Their hope is that they can return the middle east to its former Christian status before Muslim invaders conquered the region, resulting in the systematic murder and forcible conversion of the Christians and Hindus dwelling there during the interceding centuries.

CBO To Take Magic Show on the Road

WASHINGTON, DC -- After the Congressional Budget Office's amazing trick last month of showing that health care reform is actually going to reduce the deficit by $1.3 trillion in 20 years, they have decided to take their magic show on the road and may be appearing in a town near you soon.  So far, the show called "Barack Obama's Greatest Magic Show on Earth" has booked venues in at least 7 major cities around the country and plans are being made to add at least 12 more, with the eventual goal of playing in "all 57 states."

The idea behind the show started when the CBO estimates for the cost of Socialized Health Care showed - after a brief drum roll - that the program would actually reduce the deficit, instead of adding hundreds of billions to it as every other large government entitlement program has done.  This performance caused such amazement and delight from taxpayers around the nation, that the President decided everyone should have the opportunity to see the show live "under the big tent, where folks can really appreciate it."

The show involves a high-wire act by the President himself, trained animals jumping through the "hoop of flaming greenbacks", music, dancing, and a general circus-like spectacle. Congress will be supplying plenty of clowns for comic relief.  The highlight of the show will be the CBO's magic act, where they will create billions of dollars out of thin air and other impossible feats.

Another crowd favorite is where the President picks one "rich guy" from the audience, asks to see his wallet, then makes all the money inside vanish without a trace.

UK Group Offers to Swap Health Care Systems With US

LONDON, ENGLAND --- Nigel Blakely is the head of the UK group "Trade the National Health Now."  The Hell Gazette interviewed him last week, after President Obama's health care reform was signed into law.

HG: What is the thought behind this movement?
Blakely: You Yanks are on the path to socialized health care. We've had it in the UK for years now - since the 40s - and your current system is much better. Wait times are lower, survival rates higher, and you pay less on average than we do. If you decide you want to scrap what you have and move to what we have, we're offering a trade. We'll take your castoff health care system and send you ours. We'll even pay to ship it over there for you.
HG: Sound fair.
Blakely: Think of it as a trade-in on your old, used health plan.  It still runs but you don't like the colour [color] any more.  We're willing to give you a nice, shiny new lemon in its place.  Don't look under the bonnet [hood] - because the engine doesn't run - but won't it look good sitting in the driveway?  Your neighbors will certainly admire it, as it's a newer version of the ones they all have.
HG: Is your system really that bad?
Blakely: No, it's much worse. Study after study has shown that our system - socialized health care - is terrible. A free market system works much better. Even your semi-free-market system beats our hands down.
HG: How big is this movement in the UK?
Blakely: Well, so far it is only includes the people who have had to deal with the poor level of care, rationing, and intense paperwork involved to get health care: in other words, just about anyone who has ever been sick or injured, with the exception of some politicians.
HG: We're not authorized to negotiate for anyone, but what would you say if we threw in all of our personal injury lawyers as well?
Blakely: Hmm.  We'll have to think about that deal.  I'll get back to you, but I still think it's worth it.