NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Middle aged white men around the country relaxed this morning as they realized they wouldn't be living under a cloud of suspicion any longer regarding the failed Times Square bombing earlier this week. In an unlikely turn of events, an American of Pakistani descent, Faisal Shahzad, was apprehended at JFK airport as he tried to escape the country and is now the prime suspect in the crime. Initial descriptions of the attacker as a "middle aged white man" had immediately put the middle aged white man community on edge.
"It still gets to you, you know?" said one man, who asked that his name not be used for fear of retribution. "Every time there is a crime or something happens, people immediately start blaming us. You learn to just ignore the glares and the quiet comments. Police harassment, children pointing and huddling closer to their mothers, the occasional outburst and threats - I take things day by day. I have been pulled over several times since the description of the bomber came out. I just chalked it up to 'driving while white and middle-aged.' Most of us are used to it by now."
Experts say middle aged white guys are responsible for nearly every horrible thing in America's past and present, and constant reminders of this on television and in the press have stirred up resentment among the general populace. Prof. Mary Dunkley of the University of Vermont and State Agricultural College, a noted expert on these matters, remarked "Look at their track record: capitalism, Enron, the Titanic, the Trail of Tears, game shows, the boy band 'O-town' - need I go on? Put simply: if it is bad, it was probably caused by a middle aged white guy."
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