August 9, 2010

Army Moves Away From Outdated Concept of "Fighting" Enemy

FORWARD OPERATING BASE BRAVO, AFGHANISTAN -- "The new way to fight the enemy on the battlefield is to not shoot at them. Especially an enemy that doesn't follow the traditional rules of warfare, which are intended to limit civilian deaths." These are words from a high-ranking NATO commander discussing the proposal to award a "courageous restraint" medal to soldiers who don't fight the enemy when it could harm a civilian, property, or livestock. She went on to explain that "in the past, we fought the enemy by finding them and killing them. The new way is to 'kill' them with kindness. This new medal for restraint during combat will reward our nicest soldiers out there. Our computer models indicate this method will win the war eventually."

US Officials are confident that this new strategy will be effective in beating a zealous, determined enemy. They note that the enemy's strategy is at odds with Western sensitivities and will eventually be their downfall, once news outlets start reporting it. They cite several examples of the "really mean-spirited" campaign enemy soldiers have been waging for years in Afghanistan: wearing no uniform, deliberately targeting innocent civilians, hiding amongst the regular population, and cash awards for combatants who kill civilians.

In closing the NATO Commander noted that "Our new US Army is part of the Peace and Love plan that we just know will convince the enemy what nice people we are and make them lay down their arms. I'm convinced of it and I know our Commander-In-Chief is, too."

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