"Spend Like Drunken Sailors" Urges Fed

WASHINGTON DC -- Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warned the US Congress to "continue to spend taxpayer money like drunken sailors" today in a speech to the Joint Economic Committee. In a speech hailed by many as "simply brilliant", he thundered to policy makers "If you stop spending money like crazy, bad economic-type stuff will happen."

When questioned later what the consequences of cutting spending would be, he responded solemnly "Really Bad Stuff: our economic models and mathematical formulas show this clearly. Congress must continue to spend lots of money we don't have, or this country is going to be in worse shape than it is now."

Aids to Mr. Bernanke expanded on his speech afterwards, citing numerous studies and research papers that support the concept. "It may seem counter-intuitive to those few people out there who actually think 'living within one's means' is good policy. It is a shame, but that kind of outmoded thinking has largely gotten us into this mess in the first place. It just shows how ignorance of modern economic theory still persists in small pockets of this country. Luckily, the rest of the world has got it figured out, so we have ample evidence to show doubters."

President's "Green Jobs" Predictions Likely True

Fremont, CA -- "The future is here" President Obama bravely declared back in May of 2010 when he toured solar panel manufacturer Solyndra. Eighteen months later, the company has declared bankruptcy after accepting more than a half billion dollars of taxpayer loan guarantees. Supporters now consider that comment further proof that the President's intelligence and leadership skills rank up there with the best US Presidents.

As syndicated NY Times columnist Jan Snerk wrote in her column yesterday "Reagan had 'Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall', Kennedy had his predictions about the space race, Roosevelt had 'Day of Infamy.' Predictions like these indicate keen insight into future events based on their knowledge of the human spirit, world events, and history. Now Obama has done the same thing, predicting that the poor business sense, wishful thinking, and corruption of 'green jobs' initiatives will end in bankruptcy - perhaps even bankruptcy of this nation. I said it before and I'll say it again - he is a genius."

Supporters also note that the President's abilities don't stop with mere talk. "He backs it up with actions, too," says Obama supporter Evan McKnuckles, of Suncook, New Hampshire. "He wasn't afraid to risk our taxpayer money on a shaky business put together and owned by one of his prominent financial supporters. That shows real initiative, as far as I'm concerned. It was only a small amount, maybe a buck fifty per taxpaying household, but this is just one of his many ventures into funding green jobs.  There are many more!"

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Panel of Experts: Bumper Stickers Bringing Democracy to the Middle East

San Francisco, CA -- Those little blue "COEXIST" bumper stickers that are frequently seen on Japanese-made cars are the real reason the Middle East has been plunged into turmoil recently as people in country after country have risen up in revolt, demanding an end to tyranny.  At a conference this week near San Francisco, California, entitled "Why Would Other Countries Possibly Want to be More Like the US?", the topic was discussed at length by a panel of experts during the session called "Bumper Stickers Vs. Bullets."

The panel overwhelming agreed that the bumper stickers were the reason for the recent democratic longings in middle eastern nations, and most discussion concerned the reason why.

Dr. Elaine Waffel-Kohn, Department Chair of Anthropology at Princeton University, presented the following explanation "The logic is a little convoluted and really takes a PhD to understand completely, but I'll try to explain it in simple terms. Because of the Theory of Reciprocation, and conjoined with the well understood phenomenom of the 7 degrees of freedom, when we in this country embrace other cultures around the world, those cultures embrace us back. Even if they don't realize it. It seems counterintuitive, but by doing something towards mutual understanding here we cause other people - even someone thousands of miles away who believes we are infidels and hates us or whatever - to take a look at themselves and re-examine what they believe."

Another possible reason had to do with karmic energy and its well-documented impact on world events. As Professor William Plum, Head of Wiccan Studies at Harvard stated, "The COEXIST bumper stickers each create a small amount of karmic energy - good karmic energy. That energy then floats across the universe and causes peaceful thoughts to enter people everywhere. The more bumper stickers, the more good karma that is produced." When asked, Mr. Plum wasn't sure if the karma was produced when the bumper sticker was printed, purchased, or actually placed on the vehicle.

While the causes may not be exactly known, all participants agreed that the cause was definitely not the United State's stated policy goals of bringing hope and democracy to the parts of the world where it is lacking. As one panel participant stated when asked this question "Oh, come on. There is no doubt that there is a strong yearning for freedom and fair elections in places like Yemen, Egypt, and Libya right now. But which explanation makes more sense? That this yearning was brought about by the US toppling brutal despots and bringing some form of democracy to neighboring countries? Or - much more likely - peace-loving people everywhere proudly dispaying bumper stickers that hope for peace, love, and understanding?"

Obama Pivot Inspired by "Undercover Boss" Experience Last Year

WASHINGTON, DC -- After viewing President Barack Obama's State of the Union address last night, pundits were struggling to understand his apparent turn to the political right.  His staff revealed afterwards that the President's political outlook changed drastically after recording an episode for the popular CBS Television show "Undercover Boss" and seeing firsthand the magnitude of waste and incompetence within the US Federal Government.  The show, which the network agreed not to air until after the Presidential election in 2012, has been reported to be "a real eye-opener for the American public, and the current President."

The President's Former Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, spoke to reporters about the President's experiences this past summer while taping the show.   "We did not want him to do it," he noted sourly. "He's never held a real job before, and we didn't think we was ready.  Plus, we were afraid if he learned how things actually work in the government he'd be a changed man.  Turns out we were right - can you imagine him a year ago acknowledging the deficit as a problem?"

CBS released some details about the episode, stating that the President took three assignments as a low-level intern named "Barry King" and spent 3 months at the Environmental Protection Agency, Department of Housing and Urban Development, and Department of Education. The show's producer notes that his reactions follow "a typical pattern of response: shock and denial at first, eventual acceptance, and finally the strong desire to change. It makes for a nice show."  He went on to say that there was enough material to stretch into multiple episodes, and a feature-length "reality TV movie" was being considered. He said the concept would be "equal parts Metropolis and Brazil, with elements of the Matrix, as the main character comes to realize that everything he believes is wrong."

The President made new friends while taping the show, and some have come forward with details about his astounding political transformation.  Sally Whitfield, who has worked for the EPA for 27 years and currently processes oil rig drilling permits, says the experience of the President was comical to watch. "When he first started, I tried telling him to slow down, but he wouldn't listen.  He kept running around here, asking 'why are there so many forms?', 'why is everything so complicated and slow?', 'why doesn't anyone seem to care?'  I warned him that if kept going at that pace, he was going to make people mad.  Sure enough, he did - and some of the people he needed approvals and signatures from started causing him trouble.  One day - near the end of his rotation - he sits down with me and says 'Sally, instead of helping, I think we are actually making things worse.'  I just laughed and told him to be happy he has a job."

Analysts on the political right offered guarded approval for the President's outlook when news of the show broke. In the words of one Heritage Foundation blogger, "although we don't expect him to turn into Ronald Reagan or anything, we hope the scales fell from his eyes because of this experience and he starts to recognize that Government really is the problem. Maybe this showed him why the US Constitution is a 'negative rights' document and why the framers sought to limit government in size and scope to the bare minimum necessary."

The White House would not confirm rumors that the President is also planning to appear on the reality show "Celebrity Apprentice" to get some real-world experience in leadership and management.

Rejected Draft SOTU Address Leaked

The Hell Gazette has obtained a leaked draft of tonight's State of the Union Address. This copy was reportedly rejected by various staffers, but is reprinted in its entirety here, including hand-written edits:

Dear Comrades,
Dear Party Faithful,
Dear Fellow Americans,

As I stand before you today, I have a message of much hope and some change. It has been a tumultuous two years since I was ordained sworn in as your Commander in Chief.

In that time, we have acted on various crises - both real and manufactured - to advance our cause progress this country into a new century of indebtedness equality. Some radical elements within our republic, however, have managed to erect temporary barriers to change.  I quote a great man when I say don't give up hope: 'We Shall Overcome!'  While that great man fought for equality, we fight for something more than equality.  We fight for the fruits of other people's labor and the power to control our fellow man.

My legal training and experiences have taught me many things.   Foremost among them is the following, the wisdom of which I now share with all of you. When one man takes another's possessions through force or trickery, that is called stealing and it is a great wrong. However, when one man takes another's possessions via duly elected representatives and taxation, that is called redistribution of wealth and it is a great right.

That goal of redistribution of wealth is our ultimate destination and one which we have worked at for nearly a century.  My Socialized Health Care law has moved the needle significantly in that direction, and all the tricks, deals, and midnight votes hard work to make that happen have not been in vain.

Hopefully the coming year does not see that important work undone.

In closing, I want all Americans to be thankful that we live in this great nation. A nation where we have food, housing, and cell phones provided by the state for a huge segment of the populace.  A nation where workers can choose to throw off the shackles of employment for months at a time and live comfortably while their neighbor works to pay for it. A nation where about 8% of the workers are employed directly by government - and rising. A nation that has its hands and fingers into every aspect of every citizen's life, benevolently groping us all for the greater good.

Most of all, a nation where all of these things are paid for by an ever decreasing number of taxpayers and an ever increasing amount of debt.

Most of all, a nation where all of these things are paid for by... someone else.

Most of all, a nation where we don't spend too much time thinking about how these things are paid for.

Thank you and good night.

Smithsonian Changes Course, Will Offend All Religions

WASHINGTON, DC -- The National Portrait Gallery, a federally funded museum of the Smithsonian Institution, has abruptly reversed its decision to stop displaying portions of an artistic exhibition featuring an ant-covered crucifix.  The museum now intends to expand that display and rename it "Celebrating World Religions: Sickening Images and Repulsive Ideas."

The exhibit that sparked a public outcry by denigrating a symbol of Jesus Christ, whom some Christians believe to be the savior of all mankind and the son of God, will be put back on display around April, in time for the Christian holiday of Easter.

Mr. Andre Poofley, the Curator of Offensive and Scatological Art at the Smithsonian, responded to questions about the change in direction today and stated "We're embarking on a new artistic policy and we're not kowtowing anymore to religious groups and their narrow-minded prejudices. To show how open-minded and tolerant we are in comparison, we intend to offend all the major religions." He went on to explain that the new exhibit would be going on for the rest of the year and would seek to mock and ridicule every major religion around their holy days.  "Christians, Hindus, Muslims, and Buddhists - get ready to be angry!" he went on to say.  Additional security measures will be in place during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, a museum official later added.

Mr. Poofley concluded the press conference with a brief tour and closing remarks, "People - non-artists - write me letters all the time saying this style of art is deliberately controversial, and that these artists are crass, attention-seeking swindlers with no talent.  Well, that just isn't true.  These are talented, thoughtful, and hard-working craftsman with something important to say.  Anyone who sees our first tour stop is sure to be convinced of that.  It is called 'partially-chewed food smeared on a white canvas.'"

Health Law "Backroom Deal" Groups Threaten Boycott of Repeal

DETROIT, MI -- The United Auto Workers (UAW) have threatened to boycott the proposed repeal of the new health care law. Members of collective bargaining organizations such as the UAW were specifically exempted from the "Cadillac Tax" provision of the Health Care and Education Reconciliation Act of 2010. This exemption is one of many "special deals" included in the law that mandated that citizens purchase health care insurance or face fines.

Comments from the UAW President, Bob King, indicate that his organization isn't exactly sure what they will be boycotting, but intend to boycott with gusto, once they've figured it out. "We will definitely boycott the repeal if it is passed. We're working on the details still, but we think that means we will continue to buy health care insurance even though the law forcing us to has been repealed. Or, it might mean we will now buy more health care insurance because the Federal Government is no longer telling us we must buy it. Also, with regards to the 'Cadillac Tax' of 40% on premium, high-priced health care insurance - to which we've been given special treatment and don't have to pay - we think we will pay that if the law saying we don't have to is repealed. ...wait, that's not right. As I stated previously - we are still figuring out what we will boycott and which parts we won't." King's office later admitted that "working this all out will be pretty tough since the law is over a thousand pages long and extremely complex."

Other parties that benefited from back room deals are considering fighting back against the proposed repeal as well. For example, several of the more than 200 businesses and organizations that have been granted waivers to the law are also considering a similar boycott. As a representative from Aetna insurance stated, "You pay good money to your congress-person's campaign fund - or promise votes, if you are one of the unions - to get special exceptions to laws that everyone else has to live by and you think you've got a deal. Next thing you know, the next congress comes along and thinks they can alter the deal or repeal it.  It just isn't fair."

Sharpton Opposes Haitians Adopted by "Crackers"

WASHINGTON, DC -- One year after the tiny island nation of Haiti was devastated by an earthquake, the prominent Civil Rights hero Reverend Al Sharpton is speaking out against the more than 1,100 Haitian orphans that have been adopted by "Crackers all over the country."

"It is wrong for these once-proud black children raised honorably in poverty by our black cousins to now become a part of Whitey's machine. They are being brainwashed by their adoptive families that this country is one that provides opportunity and openness to all of God's children. My black brothers and sisters know that is not true," Reverend Sharpton was quoted as saying as he stepped from one of the 7 black limousines containing his privately-funded entourage and security detail to speak on the steps of the Capital.

Many of the adopted children have shown a remarkable resiliency and are now thriving despite the tragedy and horror they have been through.  Some experts believe a stable and safe home, good nutrition, and a loving family could be contributing factors to these successes. When asked about this point, Rev. Sharpton seemed bewildered by the concept, but replied eventually "don't believe everything you read."

Rev. Sharpton proposed a two-part solution whereby Haitian children would be placed with black welfare families.  This solution, he said, "would get them away from The Man and also bring more income to the black community in the form of welfare dollars."  In addition, he demanded that the Federal Government provide money to his National Action Network organization, equal to the amount it currently owes in back-taxes.

"Extra-Constitutional Bubble" Around Lawmakers Proposed

WASHINGTON, DC -- As the nation recovers from the recent shooting of a Congresswoman in Arizona, Representative Peter King (R-NY) is trying to do something to prevent future attacks.  He is interested in banning firearms within 1000 ft. of high-ranking government officials.

Rep. King admitted that this bill violates the 2nd amendment to the Constitution, but added "We are looking into a 1000 ft. area around lawmakers where the constitution just wouldn't apply at all.  No Amendments; No 'We The People' - nothing.  None of that stuff would matter within our 1000 ft. spheres."  When asked whether that would mean nearly all of Capital Hill would exist inside this "extra-constitutional bubble", he responded angrily "What's the difference?  We've been operating that way for decades!"

The proposal has the backing of a significant number in Congress and the President, many of whom have assumed the bill will pass and are now working on the implementation.  One congressional aid provided details about a proposed "entourage" that would follow all high-ranking Federal lawmakers around to make measurements when a constitutional call needed to made "near the boundaries."  "We see a small team being a good solution, like the chain gangs they have at football games," noted the senior staffer.  "Perhaps the measurement team should consist of a member from each branch of government - that sounds like something the Founding Fathers could have written," the aid added thoughtfully.

A spokesperson for President Obama related the President's anticipation of signing the bill into law "so all of us here can live in this bubble - happily protected and busy working on the important issues of the day."

AZ Shooter "Claimed" by the Left

TUCSON, AZ -- Although originally charged with being part of the "vast right wing conspiracy" by the media following his shooting rampage in Arizona on January 8th, 2011, suspected murderer Jared Lee Loughner has since been "claimed" by left-wing organizations who now are attempting to portray him in a slightly different light.

A representative of the Democratic party who asked not to be named said "Immediately after it happened, we just assumed he was a right-winger.  I mean, here you have this skin-head looking guy gunning down a House Rep with 'D' after her name.  At that point, who would have been shocked if the guy worked for Halliburton or BP and had his KKK membership card in his pocket, right?  For us, that means attack, attack, attack the usual suspects; Glenn Beck, Rush, Sarah Palin - standard operating procedure, right?  Unfortunately, it turns out he is pot-smoking loser who reads the Communist Manifesto and has all sorts of strange and incoherent beliefs.  We had no choice but to claim him as one of our own."  The University of Alabama shooter last year, Amy Bishop, was similarly "claimed" last year by the political far left.

Many prominent left-leaning organizations are busy providing possible defenses against accusations that they incited Mr. Loughner to perform this horrible act.  The Green Party was the first, providing the following statement on Monday, "We are shocked and saddened by the horrific acts of last Saturday.  However, we have strong reason to believe the act was performed in error and Mr. Loughner was actually aiming for the non-organically grown vegetables in aisle 12.  A few humans were unfortunately caught in the crossfire."

Koran-burning On Hold as Pastor Negotiates End to People Burning

GAINESVILLE, FL -- Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove Outreach Center has decided to suspend "International Burn a Koran Day" scheduled for this Saturday, September 11. This event was to consist of the burning of various Islamic Holy texts, including the Koran, Hadith, and 'Bomb-making for Dummies' in protest of the Muslim faith's occasional transgressions in the use of terror attacks.

The about-face reportedly occurred because Rev. Jones has been working with various parties in the Middle East region to suspend the daily occurrence of similar burning activities in Muslim countries. At a press conference, Rev. Jones stated "We've been in serious negotiations with officials from the Religion of Peace to end the burning and murder of Christians living in a few Muslim countries such as Afghanistan, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Palestine, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Somalia, Nigeria, Indonesia, Chechnya, Turkey, excuse me while I take a short break - I'm getting up there in age and don't have the stamina that I used to. Whew! At any rate, in exchange, we've agreed to not burn those books, as originally planned.  Anyone interested in buying 15 gently used Islamic holy books?"

The small Florida church never expected the controversy around the planned Koran-burning event and has been under considerable pressure from a variety of "interested parties" on both sides of the issue.  These parties range from the current US President to the immense global company EZBurn Ltd, maker and distributor of flammable American flags and Bibles throughout the world.

Army Moves Away From Outdated Concept of "Fighting" Enemy

FORWARD OPERATING BASE BRAVO, AFGHANISTAN -- "The new way to fight the enemy on the battlefield is to not shoot at them. Especially an enemy that doesn't follow the traditional rules of warfare, which are intended to limit civilian deaths." These are words from a high-ranking NATO commander discussing the proposal to award a "courageous restraint" medal to soldiers who don't fight the enemy when it could harm a civilian, property, or livestock. She went on to explain that "in the past, we fought the enemy by finding them and killing them. The new way is to 'kill' them with kindness. This new medal for restraint during combat will reward our nicest soldiers out there. Our computer models indicate this method will win the war eventually."

US Officials are confident that this new strategy will be effective in beating a zealous, determined enemy. They note that the enemy's strategy is at odds with Western sensitivities and will eventually be their downfall, once news outlets start reporting it. They cite several examples of the "really mean-spirited" campaign enemy soldiers have been waging for years in Afghanistan: wearing no uniform, deliberately targeting innocent civilians, hiding amongst the regular population, and cash awards for combatants who kill civilians.

In closing the NATO Commander noted that "Our new US Army is part of the Peace and Love plan that we just know will convince the enemy what nice people we are and make them lay down their arms. I'm convinced of it and I know our Commander-In-Chief is, too."

NASA to Work With Muslim Nations on "Space Stuff"

"NASA is used to working in dangerous, extreme environments.  We think that is why the President wants us to start working with Muslim nations," said NASA Administrator Charles Bolden, clarifying an Al Jazeera interview he gave three weeks ago where he revealed NASA's new direction.

The region of the Middle East, whose last major contribution to the world's scientific advancement was the abacus in approximately 2700 BC, is not usually thought of as an effective partner for scientific endeavors. Nonetheless, President Obama has ordered NASA to partner with Muslim nations on space travel and make Muslim "outreach" their main focus, with a "close second" being space travel and exploration.

Following the news of NASA's new goals, Paramount executives released details of a new science fiction show entitled "Star Trek: Journey to the Middle East" which depicts highly trained officers from the elite NASA Peace Corps Academy traveling to where "no civilized man has gone before."  They dodge strange and illogical creatures intent on destroying them, while trying to provide food, clothing, and medicines.

White House Kicks Off "Everyone is a Czar" Program

WASHINGTON, DC -- The President's staff kicked off the new "Everyone is Czar" program this week at a White House Rose Garden celebration.  "We're telling everyone without a job to come here to Washington and become a Czar," said the program's coordinator, Michelle Slushy.

The initiative is targeted at people that have run out of unemployment benefits, which staffers say initially made the program difficult to run.  "The administration has wanted this program from day one.  Unfortunately, we were originally in conflict with the unemployment program. Every time we'd try to start the 'Everyone is a Czar' program, they'd extend the amount of time someone can receive unemployment benefits. Someone getting paid to do nothing is not going to be interested in the possibility of having to work, even if they do get a prestigious title like 'Czar'," the staffer noted, with a laugh.

"So we decided to coordinate with them - make lemons out of lemonade. You can stay on unemployment for 18 months, then - as a reward - you have the option to roll over into a Czar job. We choose what you are Czar of from the dictionary, starting with Aardvark. We are currently interviewing for Carp Czar."

Supreme Court Rules Against Aiding Terrorists

WASHINGTON, DC -- "This is an outrage. They have undermined my freedom to support murderers and thugs. Next, they'll rule you aren't allowed to send money and gifts to convicted felons in prison," says Patricia McFlem-Sahid incredulously, as she shakes her tiny fists.

She is the wife of Assan Sahid, who is being held in a Federal Penitentiary on weapons charges related to an attempt to murder bartenders at Martha's Vineyard in late 2008. Mrs. McFlem-Sahid was reacting to the Supreme Court decision this week that prevents US Citizens from providing material support to terrorists and terrorist organizations.  "They threw the book at my husband and locked him up for life without parole, and I now can't even send money to his family and business partners in Gaza."

A spokesperson for the Obama administration admitted that they see this decision as a setback to their policy of peaceful cohabitation with terrorists, and are considering ways to make the best of a bad situation. An unnamed aid stated "One way being considered is to take a long, hard look at the list of terrorist organizations. We've been making the case that these Tea Party folks and other rabid right-wingers should be on the list since 'Big B' took office. By the same token, some groups on the list should probably be taken off - peaceful but misunderstood organizations like The Al-Shazam Jew-killers Brigade, for instance. Their humanitarian wing teaches young Syrians how to play bingo - what could more peaceful than that?"

Congress Mulls Mandating More Private Company Hiring

WASHINGTON, DC -- As the US Labor Department released payroll figures today showing payrolls up 431,000 in May, the revelation that 95% of these were temporary census workers has caused Congress to consider ways to help the private sector "catch up" on the significant hiring and spending that the Government has been doing.  The front runner is a bill from Senator Joe Skwerly (D-NY) which would make all privately-held companies hire 7% more employees before November of this year.

Mr. Skwerly noted at a press conference "We've tried everything else we could think of to 'prime the pump' on private industry hiring. More regulations, more taxes, more government debt, more oversight - nothing seems to be working. At this point, we're done messing around - we'll just make it law.  Problem solved."

Many in Congress and the press applauded Mr. Skwerly's "strong and effective" approach to the problem and it is rumored he may seek the Democratic Presidential nomination in 2012 as "a man who can get things done."  The John Maynard Keynes Economics Chair at Columbia University, Dr. Martin Dunse, noted "If I were advising the President, I'd suggest a two-pronged approach: hire more census workers - since anyone hired at least 1 hour per month counts as a new hire - and push for implementation of Senator Skwerly's brilliant and far-sighted plan."

Victims of English Gunman to be Charged With Ammo Possession

CUMBRIA, ENGLAND -- Wounded survivors of a gunman in Southern England will be formally charged with firearm violations for possessing ammunition.  "Evidence that these people possess banned ammunition is being removed from many of their bodies as we speak," said the Assistant to the Deputy Chief Constable, Ian Wright.  The gunman apparently killed himself after the crimes and "will therefore not be charged with various firearm and ammunition possession charges," he continued "but we're fairly certain he broke a lot of laws and would have been in big trouble."

Gun control experts at the non-partisan think-thank Ban Firearms Now (BFN) were quick to note how well the laws worked in England and lamented that the US still "clings" to gun ownership, despite multiple high-profile shootings.  "The UK banned private gun ownership for all law-abiding citizens after just two high profile shootings in a 10 year time span that claimed a total of 32 lives.  Where is it written that we can't do the same here in the US?  If you look only at the number of celebrities we've lost from gun violence over the years, it adds up to more than 32."

The gun control debate in the US is similar to the debate in England over the banning of passenger flights after the Lockerbie airline bombing in 1988 killed 270 people.  Conservatives pushed for the punishment of terrorists and terrorism, but many others thought it better to ban commercial flying instead.  Historian Ian Parker at the University of Cambridge has studied the issue and noted "The proposed ban on flying for the general public did not pass that year, but the bill is still under consideration, 20 years later.  This issue opens up again every time there is a tragedy in the air - we can point to that and say 'If we had only banned flying, this would not have happened.'  It makes sense to me, but I suppose we need to keep educating people."

NYT Files FOIA Request for President's Golf Scores

OAK BLUFFS, MA -- Despite promises to be the most "open and transparent" administration in history during the campaign, the Obama administration has not been allowing reporters near the President when he is golfing.  Wild speculation about his scores and scorekeeping has been keeping world economies jittery for the past 15 months or so.

The New York Times finally decided to file a Freedom of Information Act request on behalf of "concerned world citizens everywhere" to get the White House to release all of the Presidents golf scores since entering
office in January, 2009.

"'We The People' need to know," said a lawyer representing the New York Times.  "It is about accountability and also about honesty - how can we trust a person if we don't know how they golf?  Kim Jong-Il released his golf scores, why can't the leader of the Free World?"

Feds Start Helping With Oil Spill, Add Paperwork and Taxes

BARATARIA BAY, LA -- Since the British Petroleum oil rig explosion occurred on April 20, spilling oil into the Gulf of Mexico, critics have been charging that the government hasn't been doing enough.  Government officials have fired back by noting three areas that the Federal Government has been using its wealth of expertise and manpower to help out: taxation, regulation, and grandstanding.

Congress is working on a bill tentatively called the "Oil Spill Prevention Act."  The legislation hasn't been released to the public for comment yet, but a person familiar with the proposal said "We have been working at warp speed, trying to get this bill passed as quickly as can be, before any more accidents happen.  We worked so quickly, we haven't even had a chance yet to put together a catchy name or acronym for the bill."  The legislation will rely on the time-tested truism first spoken by Daniel Webster that "the power to tax is the power to destroy", and will therefore levy huge taxes against oil spills in the future in hopes of preventing them altogether.  If successful, there are future plans to have similar taxes for airplane crashes and car accidents.

The Environmental Protection Agency has been contributing to the cleanup by overseeing and offering advice.  "We're going to do everything we know how to do" explained Milford Pilfer, moments before his helicopter took off to survey the oil spill in a 2 hour sightseeing trip that cost about $80,000 in fuel and personnel costs.  Upon his return, Mr. Pilfer appeared rejuvenated and reportedly had "dozens of new regulations in mind."

In addition, the President's staff has reported that Obama wanted to go to the gulf region and personally "organize some communities down there" but was convinced to stay in Washington instead.  "The President is going to be digging in - figuratively, of course - by appointing committees and investigations.  The hope is that by giving the cleanup crews and companies involved more problems to deal with, it will speed things up and make the cleanup more successful.  We'd like to replicate the successes of Federal involvement with the Hurricane Katrina cleanup."

Dead Crime Victims Protest Supreme Court Decision

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Supreme Court ruling this week that prevents juvenile offenders from receiving life-without-parole sentences has generated controversy, as a large group of dead crime victims rose from their graves and mounted a somber protest on the steps of the Supreme Court Building.

While the Supreme Court decision specifically applied only to crimes short of homicide, dead victim Shelly Wallfield of Ohio, noted "My killer was convicted as a youth twice for armed robbery and attempted murder. Had he been locked up at age 17 for life, he never would have killed me when he was 25. He'd still be rotting in jail. Instead, I've been rotting in my grave, as you can plainly see", displaying gruesome wounds and her rotting flesh, evidence of being dead and buried for the last 14 months.  She added "The Supreme Court just doesn't get it. The ones that voted in favor of this resolution should try being dead for a while before they make any more stupid decisions like that.  We tried to get a few of the dead, former Supreme Court Justices to come help us plead our case, but nearly all said they made rulings based on what the US Constitution says and what the framers intended.  Since that is out of fashion these days, they didn't think they could help us much."

Other dead protesters echoed Shelly's sentiments, with one saying "The point we're trying to make is these kids have no conscience.  Letting them back into society is a bad idea, and isn't fair to those innocent souls out there who are that kid's next victim.  I was killed by a repeat offender, who had been been in and out of jail since he was about 14.  No one held a gun to his head and made him hold a gun to my head: he made that choice all by himself.  Now my wife has no husband and my kids have no dad.  Does that sound 'cruel and unusual' to you?"

CDC Worried About Islam / Mental Ilness Link

ATLANTA, GA -- "My first thought when hearing about the Times Square bomber, was 'No - not another one!'" says Dr. Jackson "Jack" Ath, the principle investigator tracking the strange link between "lone wolf" homicidal criminals and the Muslim faith.  "This disease - whatever it is - has claimed another. Luckily for us all, the poor man didn't harm anyone this time, but it is still yet another troubling sign of the pervasiveness of this illness."

Dr. Ath and his colleagues at The World Health Organization have been tracking and studying this unusual correlation since about January 2009.  "We're not sure what the cause is exactly," he explains.  "It could be related to diet; a lack of pork or the fasting that occurs during Ramadan.  Perhaps it has something to do with facing East more often than the general population. It is possible dogs provide some sort of immunity from this illness in addition to being 'man's best friend.'  We really don't have an answer at this time, but we are committed to finding it before another person succumbs to this dreaded affliction."

The only information they have is that the disease causes some form of mental illness that makes individuals want to commit random murder and property damage. They usually try to kill as many people as possible and meticulously plan their crimes for weeks or months. Three prominent cases have been in the news the last year, first the "Ft. Hood Shooter", then the "Christmas Day Bomber" and now the "Times Square Bomber." In every case, the perpetrator of these unusual crimes acted alone and happened to also be an active member of the peaceful Muslim faith.  No motive has been found in any of the cases, but the investigations are all still pending.

Dr. Ath has tracked cases of the disease as far back as the 1970s.  "I just hope we find the cause, and then a cure," he concludes. "Our data shows that the instances of it happening are increasing every year.  If this goes on much longer or one of these isolated individuals successfully commits a mass murder, it might make people think badly of zealous Muslims.  Muslims might start to get treated differently than everyone else, purely based on their religious views. That would probably be the most tragic result of all."

Lawyers Propose New Category Between "Legal" and "Illegal"

The group Justice Enhancement by Reducing Criminality has proposed a new category between "Legal" and "Illegal" stating the dividing line between the two is currently "too harsh" and should be made more gentle. Their solution creates a new legal status called "Technically Illegal, But For Good Reason" which would apply whenever someone commits a crime for "noble reasons", including helping children, combating racism and injustice, or saving the earth.

The not-for-profit organization, made up primarily of trial lawyers, states its mission as "Protecting the underprivileged by suing big companies with deep pockets."  The Hell Gazette managed a brief interview with the CEO of this organization, Lawrence Bernstein, as he stepped off one of his Lear jets last week.

HG: Please sum up for our readers why you feel this move is necessary.
LB: Our goal is to make justice a little less blind.  Too many times in this country, the "little guy" has no control over his life.  Sometimes he commits crimes, but those so-called crimes are really a plea for help.  Why should someone be punished for trying to lead a selfless, noble life?  Think of Robin Hood: it should not be against the law to rob fat-cat bankers or CEOs of profit-producing companies. Currently, the only option we have is to sue when people are unjustly accused of crimes.  Our organization is interested in changing the law itself so people accused of such things as robbery and murder can't be charged if they can prove they were doing it for the Greater Good or to help others less fortunate.  Like using the temporary insanity defense in a criminal trial: it is a game changer.
HG: How has your campaign been going so far?
LB: Honestly?  Not very well so far. But the party currently in power has been very open and receptive to the idea, provided it will, uh, benefit their members.  We've had several highly successful meetings over lunch and at parties to help spread our message.
HG: A review of your finances shows you have been donating to the campaigns of judges in key positions. Is it related to this current effort?
LB: Yes it is.  Well, actually it is related to most of what we call our 'charitable litigation' work.

NBA To Support Illegal Immigration with Spanish-speaking Referees

PHOENIX, AZ -- As the Phoenix Suns prepare to support "multiculturalism and illegal immigration" by wearing jerseys saying "Los Suns" on them today, the NBA has decided to take the concept one step further by implementing "all Spanish" refereeing until the Arizona immigration enforcement law is repealed. The idea, according to a NBA official involved in the project, is to "make people wake up and realize where this nation is heading" by having the referees speak exclusively Spanish to coaches, players, and the crowd during games.  A secondary effect will be to force fans and players to "brush up on their Spanish, if they want to know what's going on", according to the official. The television networks will likely add subtitles to televised basketball games.

NBA players, many of whom hold Associate Degrees in Political Science from colleges with strong basketball programs, are well-informed about immigration issues and occasionally consulted as experts by the President's staff.  Suns guard Steve Nash had this to say, "The issue of immigration is very complex.  On one hand you having people sneaking into this country illegally, and Arizona is interested in enforcing the laws that prevent that.  On the other hand, you have people like us that say 'Stop!  Enforcing laws might offend someone!'"  He went on to say that he had several small colonies of squatters living on his land and he loved having them there.  Not only is it very difficult to have them removed from his land, "he wouldn't want them to leave anyway."

Another NBA idea that has met some resistance from players is to switch the payment systems from American Dollars to Mexican Pesos, which, according to league officials "is legitimate currency the world over."

Middle-aged White Men Breathe Easy As Likely "Times Square Bomber" Caught

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Middle aged white men around the country relaxed this morning as they realized they wouldn't be living under a cloud of suspicion any longer regarding the failed Times Square bombing earlier this week.  In an unlikely turn of events, an American of Pakistani descent, Faisal Shahzad, was apprehended at JFK airport as he tried to escape the country and is now the prime suspect in the crime.  Initial descriptions of the attacker as a "middle aged white man" had immediately put the middle aged white man community on edge.

"It still gets to you, you know?" said one man, who asked that his name not be used for fear of retribution.  "Every time there is a crime or something happens, people immediately start blaming us. You learn to just ignore the glares and the quiet comments. Police harassment, children pointing and huddling closer to their mothers, the occasional outburst and threats - I take things day by day.  I have been pulled over several times since the description of the bomber came out.  I just chalked it up to 'driving while white and middle-aged.'  Most of us are used to it by now."

Experts say middle aged white guys are responsible for nearly every horrible thing in America's past and present, and constant reminders of this on television and in the press have stirred up resentment among the general populace.  Prof. Mary Dunkley of the University of Vermont and State Agricultural College, a noted expert on these matters, remarked "Look at their track record: capitalism, Enron, the Titanic, the Trail of Tears, game shows, the boy band 'O-town' - need I go on?  Put simply: if it is bad, it was probably caused by a middle aged white guy."