January 25, 2011

Rejected Draft SOTU Address Leaked

The Hell Gazette has obtained a leaked draft of tonight's State of the Union Address. This copy was reportedly rejected by various staffers, but is reprinted in its entirety here, including hand-written edits:

Dear Comrades,
Dear Party Faithful,

Dear Fellow Americans,
As I stand before you today, I have a message of much hope and some change. It has been a tumultuous two years since I was ordained sworn in as your Commander in Chief.

In that time, we have acted on various crises - both real and manufactured - to advance our cause progress this country into a new century of indebtedness equality. Some radical elements within our republic, however, have managed to erect temporary barriers to change.  I quote a great man when I say don't give up hope: 'We Shall Overcome!'  While that great man fought for equality, we fight for something more than equality.  We fight for the fruits of other people's labor and the power to control our fellow man.

My legal training and experiences have taught me many things.   Foremost among them is the following, the wisdom of which I now share with all of you. When one man takes another's possessions through force or trickery, that is called stealing and it is a great wrong. However, when one man takes another's possessions via duly elected representatives and taxation, that is called redistribution of wealth and it is a great right.

That goal of redistribution of wealth is our ultimate destination and one which we have worked at for nearly a century.  My Socialized Health Care law has moved the needle significantly in that direction, and all the tricks, deals, and midnight votes hard work to make that happen have not been in vain.

Hopefully the coming year does not see that important work undone.

In closing, I want all Americans to be thankful that we live in this great nation. A nation where we have food, housing, and cell phones provided by the state for a huge segment of the populace.  A nation where workers can choose to throw off the shackles of employment for months at a time and live comfortably while their neighbor works to pay for it. A nation where about 8% of the workers are employed directly by government - and rising. A nation that has its hands and fingers into every aspect of every citizen's life, benevolently groping us all for the greater good.
Most of all, a nation where all of these things are paid for by an ever decreasing number of taxpayers and an ever increasing amount of debt.
Most of all, a nation where all of these things are paid for by... someone else.
Most of all, a nation where we don't spend too much time thinking about how these things are paid for.

Thank you and good night.

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