October 4, 2011

"Spend Like Drunken Sailors" Urges Fed

WASHINGTON DC -- Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warned the US Congress to "continue to spend taxpayer money like drunken sailors" today in a speech to the Joint Economic Committee. In a speech hailed by many as "simply brilliant", he thundered to policy makers "If you stop spending money like crazy, bad economic-type stuff will happen."

When questioned later what the consequences of cutting spending would be, he responded solemnly "Really Bad Stuff: our economic models and mathematical formulas show this clearly. Congress must continue to spend lots of money we don't have, or this country is going to be in worse shape than it is now."

Aids to Mr. Bernanke expanded on his speech afterwards, citing numerous studies and research papers that support the concept. "It may seem counter-intuitive to those few people out there who actually think 'living within one's means' is good policy. It is a shame, but that kind of outmoded thinking has largely gotten us into this mess in the first place. It just shows how ignorance of modern economic theory still persists in small pockets of this country. Luckily, the rest of the world has got it figured out, so we have ample evidence to show doubters."

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