January 7, 2010

Terrorists May Know About "Post-emptive" Security Policy After Leak

PENTAGON CITY, VA -- The Transportation Security Administration announced today that its confidential policy handbook for top-level leadership was leaked to the internet days ago.  TSA Officials fear that a leaked policy manual with important guidance such as "doing something makes people feel safer than doing nothing and is the recommended course of action, even if the efforts merely waste time with no real security benefit" may provide information for US enemies to exploit.

The manual contains a wealth of inside information about US security, such as the official policy of vigorously reacting to new methods of attack after they happen.  A TSA staffer, who asked not to be named, said "This key policy - which we proudly call 'closing the barn door after the livestock has escaped' - has helped to protect travelers since 9/11.  After the shoe bomber, we started taking a look at shoes.  After the terrorists tried liquids and gels, we started banning those.  Now, after this Christmas Day attack, we're going to prevent an exact duplicate of that attack from ever happening again by keeping people in their seats at certain times, taking away blankets, etc.  Every time they come up with something new, we spring into post-emptive action, preventing them using it a second time.  It's like a game of tennis, except we always let them serve.  Since the leak of this important secret, though, we'll have to think up something else."

Other important and damaging information was contained in the manual as well, such as the priorities to be used when crafting new security processes; "from the higher-level perspective, offending a minority group is much worse than losing a plane or two" and "Inconveniencing and delaying law-abiding citizens is usually a last consideration, given all other factors.  The amount of time people must wait in the airport or the intrusiveness of security measures need not be considered at all."

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