January 20, 2010

Al Qaeda Offers Aid to Haiti

UNKNOWN LOCATION -- Al Qaeda offered assistance to Haiti today, saying they could provide weapons and hatred. An unnamed spokesman in a black ski mask stated "we would love to help our infidel brothers by supplying either one or both." They proposed working with either the French Government or the United Nations to get the supplies where they are needed most, but stipulated they would not work with the US Army under any conditions. The grainy recording of the offer surfaced in a known terrorist chat room yesterday and has since been authenticated by the CIA.

Although Al Qaeda considers itself a government-in-exile of all of humanity, this is the first known instance of them offering humanitarian assistance.  The organization produces death, destruction, and hatred, but indicated they only wanted to supply hatred at this time, since "Haiti seems to be well stocked with death and destruction right now." They did not rule out offering either in the future, if needed.

A UN Security Council spokesperson confirmed approval of the proposal using the new Terrorist / Despot Fast-track Approval Process (TD-FAP) and pledged assistance with "moving these needed supplies as quickly as possible to the afflicted region."

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