January 5, 2010

Gloomy President Comments on 2009 "Lowlights"

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Barack Obama conceded in an interview today that "it turns out we are not the ones we've been waiting for."  A visibly aged Obama seemed crestfallen at the admission, but expressed that he wants to "gut it out for the last 3 years anyhow."

The President's wide-ranging interview with the Hell Gazette displayed a gray and melancholy president who only one year ago was ready to take office with gusto.  Overall, he seemed disgusted that "rhetoric alone can't solve problems" and added "wouldn't the world be a better place if it could?"

He is haunted by what he repeatedly called the "lowlights" of 2009:
  • His admission that fiscal responsibility might be necessary on the part of the Government "I'm willing to give up my Teleprompters and replace them with a cue card guy, if that would help."
  • Rebuked peace offerings to glamorous dictators in Iran and Venezuela "I won't name names, but I really thought these guys were my friends."
  • Two high profile terror attacks and several lower profile attempts "I've apologized for practically everything about America, what more do these people want?"
  • His inability to pull out of either Afghanistan or Guantanamo Bay "It just sounds so easy when you read the Huffington Post."
  • Unemployment that increased significantly despite spending billions on stimulus efforts "We've been taking money from companies, citizens, and our kids and giving it to political allies through massive pork spending.  The pork is basically fat, which is burned as a type of economic fuel.  Shouldn't the burning of all that fuel bring unemployment back down?  I just don't get why that isn't working."
He noted with some sadness how he wishes he "had just kept organizing communities and criticizing those running the country instead of trying to run it myself.  That was so much easier."  He added with despair, "To make matters worse, I don't have as much time for golf.  I've lost 4 strokes on my average."  Family members denied that he is being watched by the Secret Service for signs that he may try to harm himself, but confirmed he has been smoking "a lot more".

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