January 13, 2010

Readers Write: Thank You, Commoners

Dear Mr. Circenses, et al,

I am the head of a large financial firm that specializes in mortgage holdings.  I would like to give a faithful narrative of my part in the financial scandal and chaos preceding the last election.

The cause of all of it is companies like mine, which thrust loans upon innocent and honest folks, knowing full well that they could never pay us back.  This is the fruit of machinations we in Big Business started in the 1990s to become even more fabulously wealthy than we already are.  I'll lay out the scheme here (You can find more details at MS-NBC or in popular documentaries).

1. Force mortgages on people who have no way to pay them back
2. Make people renege on the loans, moving their flat panel TVs and gaming systems to rental properties
3. Take possession of many, many houses
4. Sell those houses at a loss, after repairing them and paying to maintain them for months or years
5. Get blamed for the entire fiasco

First, I'd like to thank the many 'little people' out there who have helped make this plan a reality.

Second, you'll notice that government interference is not required anywhere.  We should have been suspicious this spring when a lackey for our overwrought President appeared in my plush office and offered “Free Government Money, no strings attached!”  Since faceless government bureaucrats are above reproach, I believed him, as did many of my Big Business conspirators.  We soon discovered we had been duped.

My company repaid the loans, with interest, when we realized how noisome our new creditors were.  It is one thing to have an overbearing landlord with his sundry rules and regulations.  It is quite another to have him move right into your house with you, directing your every move: at what temperature to keep the caviar, which currency makes the best kindling for starting fires (most educated people know it is General Grant's image which burns the brightest), and so on.  Most distressing.

I would again like to thank everyone involved for our continued success - except the government which continues their attempt to thwart our plans. With any luck, the next election will bring another party into power, more amenable to manipulation.

Most Sincerely Yours,
Clifton Montechuex III (Manhattan, NY)

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