November 23, 2009

Gorebot to Engage US Enemies

BEDFORD, MA -- The US Army now has a new ally in the war against terror: the Gorebot.  iRobot, maker of the house-cleaning Roomba as well as a popular military robot called the Packbot, presented a new robot today designed to win the "hearts and minds" of America's enemies.  This new device is designed to instill in enemies and the general populace a belief in American values such as the rule of law and tolerance for people with differing beliefs.

The chief designer of the product is Dr. Michael Ignapipple, now iRobot's Vice President of Military Sales.  "Operation is pretty simple", say Dr. Ignapipple, "You give it a message and point it in a direction.  It will keep repeating that message by any means available and will not stop.  The message can be anything - the Gorebot doesn't care."

The US Army has agreed to purchase about 1,300 of the machines for use in Afghanistan and Iraq, based on the performance of an advanced prototype that has been in operation for the last few years.  "The performance of the prototype has been beyond anything we could have imagined" said a procurement officer who declined to be named.  "In the face of overwhelming odds, that thing has fulfilled its mission in a variety of environments and conditions.  It was given a ridiculous message to deliver - but it never hesitated, it never stopped, and people actually started to believe it!"

While developers admit that until some software bugs were fixed, the original prototype wasn't very lifelike, this second generation is indistinguishable from regular humans.

The plan is to program them with a few basic American principles - the Gorebot isn't sophisticated enough to do much thinking on its own yet, but developers say that is planned for the next generation - and release them into populated urban environments where the US Army currently has combat operations.  These robots will disperse among the public and deliver their message by a variety of means, including mass media.

The CIA would not confirm that it is looking into a similar plan for American coastal cities and European capitals.

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