November 24, 2009

Pirates End Attacks Saying "We Have Enough Money Now"

HARDAHEERE, SOMOLIA -- The leader of the International Brotherhood of Pirates today announced an end to all attacks, effective immediately.  Spack Jarrow, the leader of the organization, said through an interpreter this morning "Kidnappings, killings, pillaging - all ends today.  We've decided we have enough money now."

At a press conference from the pirate lair, a large rock resembling a skull, he provided details of the group's rise from abject poverty to international notoriety as they captured ship after ship for the last 15 years and ransomed the crews.  "We were always thinking about the future - we'd invest some of the ransom money back into the business in the form of more weapons, ammunition, and equipment.  But most of it has been invested in a variety of stocks and mutual funds."

"The plan all along has been to amass enough money to invest and live comfortably off the interest.  We've reached that point now and will release all the remaining prisoners." he said, referring to the more than 400 people still held.  "The global economic downturn has affected us - as it has a lot of people - causing us to continue our lawless behavior a little longer than we planned."

When asked about what they plan to do now, Mr. Jarrow was introspective.  "Well, many of us want to give back to the Somolian society that has done so much for us.  Several of the guys have expressed an interest in volunteering locally.  As for myself, I have applied to a dental school in South Africa.  I look forward to replacing the 'Captain' at the front of my name with 'DDS' at the end."

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