February 7, 2012

IUCN: North American Taxpayer Extinct by 2085

GLAND, SWITZERLAND -- The North American Taxpayer was changed from a "Vulnerable" to "Endangered" species this week, highlighting a decades-long slide in the status of this once thriving mammal. The International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN), which maintains the status and classifications of "at risk" species, issued a notice that the already threatened population experienced a significant drop in the last two decades, and the trend toward extinction appears to be accelerating.

IUCN spokesperson Dr. Clive Patrominski-Feldersenfreid spoke briefly about the situation, "The implications of the loss of this organism can't be overstated. This is not some minor local variant like the Salt Creek Tiger Beetle, which - Gaia forbid - would at least have only a limited effect on the surrounding area if lost. The North American Taxpayer is a major part of the economic eco-structure of this whole continent - many, many other animals rely on it for their very existence. I predict dire consequences around the world if this powerful and lovely creature is lost."

He went on to cite likely reasons for the decrease, including the destruction of their natural habitat by government programs, cultural shifts resulting in behavioral changes, and a low reproductive rate.

Experts familiar with the data confirmed that the complex webs and interactions of the economic eco-system are not fully understood, but some troubling signs have emerged which may hold a clue to this creature's decline. According to Patrominski-Feldersenfreid, "At the same time, we're seeing a surge in the numbers of various economic parasites. We do not think that is a coincidence. We are desperately trying to find the links between these populations before it's too late. It's as if something is siphoning off the resources from one group and giving them to another. We're baffled how this can be, given the strong environment of property rights and work ethic that this region of the world has had for centuries."

He closed with this sober warning "If nothing is done in the next few years, the North American Taxpayer will be completely gone by 2085 and our grandchildren will only be able to see them in two ways: stuffed museum pieces and footage from old sitcoms."

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