October 13, 2011

Wall Street Occupation Ends, Cleanup Begins

New York City, NY -- Citing sanitation concerns, the Occupy Wall Street protests will be coming to an end as the New York City Police Department starts evicting the dozens of protesters that have been living in a public park for about 3 weeks. A spokesperson for the NYPD said "It's a bit like when some distant cousin comes by to stay at your house for weeks and doesn't do anything but sit around all day and make noise. At some point you just want them out - you need to repair your broken stuff and clean up the garbage and excrement everywhere."
An informal poll of the protesters by the Hell Gazette found that most participants felt "they had accomplished something, like, important" after living in tents and subsisting on handouts for 3 weeks. One young man said "I think I speak for anyone within earshot who might be awake when I say, we accomplished a lot. For one thing, we saved a lot of water by not showering for 3 weeks. That's good for the environment, right?" He went on to say it was "just like being in the Civil Rights marches of the 1960s, except without actual grievances."

Wall Street declined to be interviewed for this article, saying it was far too busy.

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