Syrian Army Attacks Homs: "We believe they are burning Korans"

HOMS, SYRIA -- As months of a brutal crackdown continue and the civilian death toll stretches into the thousands, the Syrian Army revealed that it is only shelling cities because of reports that the Koran is being burned in rebel-held regions. "We have strong reason to believe they are burning Korans in there," an Army official said, while directing fire into heavily populated areas.

Arab League observers in the country confirmed this and said they were taken to areas recaptured from the rebels where they saw "a lot of ash and debris, which obviously came from all the Korans they had been burning." Burning or desecration of the holy book of Islam is considered a terrible crime by Muslims, usually cleansed by the random killing of infidels.

It is unknown why the rebels are burning the Korans, since journalists are not allowed in the areas of Syria under rebellion. Syrian Army commanders confirmed that they don't know why the Korans are being burned, but "we must take action to stop it."

An Al-Jazeera poll of several middle eastern populations showed that approval for the Syrian response against its people, which includes the murder and torture of women and children, increased substantially after the allegations of Koran burning were reported. Saudi Arabian carpet salesman Al-Aliz Mohammed summed up the feelings of many in the Arab world by noting "the only thing that could be better than bombing the cities is to somehow construct a giant shoe and show the rebels the bottom of that shoe. I've heard Russian scientists are working on just such a shoe for Iran."

IUCN: North American Taxpayer Extinct by 2085

GLAND, SWITZERLAND -- The North American Taxpayer was changed from a "Vulnerable" to "Endangered" species this week, highlighting a decades-long slide in the status of this once thriving mammal. The International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN), which maintains the status and classifications of "at risk" species, issued a notice that the already threatened population experienced a significant drop in the last two decades, and the trend toward extinction appears to be accelerating.

IUCN spokesperson Dr. Clive Patrominski-Feldersenfreid spoke briefly about the situation, "The implications of the loss of this organism can't be overstated. This is not some minor local variant like the Salt Creek Tiger Beetle, which - Gaia forbid - would at least have only a limited effect on the surrounding area if lost. The North American Taxpayer is a major part of the economic eco-structure of this whole continent - many, many other animals rely on it for their very existence. I predict dire consequences around the world if this powerful and lovely creature is lost."

He went on to cite likely reasons for the decrease, including the destruction of their natural habitat by government programs, cultural shifts resulting in behavioral changes, and a low reproductive rate.

Experts familiar with the data confirmed that the complex webs and interactions of the economic eco-system are not fully understood, but some troubling signs have emerged which may hold a clue to this creature's decline. According to Patrominski-Feldersenfreid, "At the same time, we're seeing a surge in the numbers of various economic parasites. We do not think that is a coincidence. We are desperately trying to find the links between these populations before it's too late. It's as if something is siphoning off the resources from one group and giving them to another. We're baffled how this can be, given the strong environment of property rights and work ethic that this region of the world has had for centuries."

He closed with this sober warning "If nothing is done in the next few years, the North American Taxpayer will be completely gone by 2085 and our grandchildren will only be able to see them in two ways: stuffed museum pieces and footage from old sitcoms."

US Switches Policies on Iran and "Rich People"

WASHINGTON, DC -- The United States Executive branch has decided to "swap policies" to jumpstart progress against its two biggest threats: Iran and Rich People. President Barack Obama outlined the changes to US policy in a speech this past week, noting "Iran is pursuing nuclear weapons and is a dangerous country. Millionaires and billionaires are pursuing more and more money and are dangerous people. In the past, we've issued sanctions on the one and ramped up taxes and rhetoric against the other. We're simply going to swap the two policies to see if maybe that works." Aids responded to questions after the speech, saying "it's something we're going to try for a little while and see what happens. If after a year or so we're no better off, we'll probably switch them back."

Under the new US stance, the President and his staff will seek to increase taxes on the country of Iran and start directing heated rhetoric toward the Middle Eastern nation, vilifying it. In addition, Rich People - the official definition hasn't yet been provided, but pundits generally agree this will probably mean anyone making more than $250,000 a year - will find their bank accounts frozen and travel restricted until they agree to either transform their businesses into green energy suppliers or give all their "excess" money to charity or the US Treasury.

An administration spokesperson added "one definition of insanity is to keep trying the same thing and expecting different results. This proves we're not crazy after all."

Sharpton Opposes Haitians Adopted by "Crackers"

WASHINGTON, DC -- One year after the tiny island nation of Haiti was devastated by an earthquake, the prominent Civil Rights hero Reverend Al Sharpton is speaking out against the more than 1,100 Haitian orphans that have been adopted by "Crackers all over the country."

"It is wrong for these once-proud black children raised honorably in poverty by our black cousins to now become a part of Whitey's machine. They are being brainwashed by their adoptive families that this country is one that provides opportunity and openness to all of God's children. My black brothers and sisters know that is not true," Reverend Sharpton was quoted as saying as he stepped from one of the 7 black limousines containing his privately-funded entourage and security detail to speak on the steps of the Capital.

Many of the adopted children have shown a remarkable resiliency and are now thriving despite the tragedy and horror they have been through.  Some experts believe a stable and safe home, good nutrition, and a loving family could be contributing factors to these successes. When asked about this point, Rev. Sharpton seemed bewildered by the concept, but replied eventually "don't believe everything you read."

Rev. Sharpton proposed a two-part solution whereby Haitian children would be placed with black welfare families.  This solution, he said, "would get them away from The Man and also bring more income to the black community in the form of welfare dollars."  In addition, he demanded that the Federal Government provide money to his National Action Network organization, equal to the amount it currently owes in back-taxes.

Koran-burning On Hold as Pastor Negotiates End to People Burning

GAINESVILLE, FL -- Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove Outreach Center has decided to suspend "International Burn a Koran Day" scheduled for this Saturday, September 11. This event was to consist of the burning of various Islamic Holy texts, including the Koran, Hadith, and 'Bomb-making for Dummies' in protest of the Muslim faith's occasional transgressions in the use of terror attacks.

The about-face reportedly occurred because Rev. Jones has been working with various parties in the Middle East region to suspend the daily occurrence of similar burning activities in Muslim countries. At a press conference, Rev. Jones stated "We've been in serious negotiations with officials from the Religion of Peace to end the burning and murder of Christians living in a few Muslim countries such as Afghanistan, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Palestine, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Somalia, Nigeria, Indonesia, Chechnya, Turkey, excuse me while I take a short break - I'm getting up there in age and don't have the stamina that I used to. Whew! At any rate, in exchange, we've agreed to not burn those books, as originally planned.  Anyone interested in buying 15 gently used Islamic holy books?"

The small Florida church never expected the controversy around the planned Koran-burning event and has been under considerable pressure from a variety of "interested parties" on both sides of the issue.  These parties range from the current US President to the immense global company EZBurn Ltd, maker and distributor of flammable American flags and Bibles throughout the world.

Victims of English Gunman to be Charged With Ammo Possession

CUMBRIA, ENGLAND -- Wounded survivors of a gunman in Southern England will be formally charged with firearm violations for possessing ammunition.  "Evidence that these people possess banned ammunition is being removed from many of their bodies as we speak," said the Assistant to the Deputy Chief Constable, Ian Wright.  The gunman apparently killed himself after the crimes and "will therefore not be charged with various firearm and ammunition possession charges," he continued "but we're fairly certain he broke a lot of laws and would have been in big trouble."

Gun control experts at the non-partisan think-thank Ban Firearms Now (BFN) were quick to note how well the laws worked in England and lamented that the US still "clings" to gun ownership, despite multiple high-profile shootings.  "The UK banned private gun ownership for all law-abiding citizens after just two high profile shootings in a 10 year time span that claimed a total of 32 lives.  Where is it written that we can't do the same here in the US?  If you look only at the number of celebrities we've lost from gun violence over the years, it adds up to more than 32."

The gun control debate in the US is similar to the debate in England over the banning of passenger flights after the Lockerbie airline bombing in 1988 killed 270 people.  Conservatives pushed for the punishment of terrorists and terrorism, but many others thought it better to ban commercial flying instead.  Historian Ian Parker at the University of Cambridge has studied the issue and noted "The proposed ban on flying for the general public did not pass that year, but the bill is still under consideration, 20 years later.  This issue opens up again every time there is a tragedy in the air - we can point to that and say 'If we had only banned flying, this would not have happened.'  It makes sense to me, but I suppose we need to keep educating people."

Pope Declares Holy War on Islam

VATICAN CITY -- The leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI, has officially declared Holy War on the religion of Islam, reciprocating Islam's war declaration 800 years ago.

This act by the Catholic church marks the first counter-declaration of war by one of the many foes of Islam. The embattled religion is currently engaged in a many-fronted conflict with Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, democracy, civilization, the scientific method, cartoons, movies, running water and electricity, and women's fashions.  The war on women's fashion is reportedly the only one currently doing well, with halter tops and high heels pushed back and in retreat everywhere.

The Catholic Church's plans and broader strategy for the war have not been released, but speculation by experts is that they plan to stop "turning the other cheek" when attacked by jihadists and will instead start to protect themselves and organize to retake lost territory.  Their hope is that they can return the middle east to its former Christian status before Muslim invaders conquered the region, resulting in the systematic murder and forcible conversion of the Christians and Hindus dwelling there during the interceding centuries.

UK Group Offers to Swap Health Care Systems With US

LONDON, ENGLAND --- Nigel Blakely is the head of the UK group "Trade the National Health Now."  The Hell Gazette interviewed him last week, after President Obama's health care reform was signed into law.

HG: What is the thought behind this movement?
Blakely: You Yanks are on the path to socialized health care. We've had it in the UK for years now - since the 40s - and your current system is much better. Wait times are lower, survival rates higher, and you pay less on average than we do. If you decide you want to scrap what you have and move to what we have, we're offering a trade. We'll take your castoff health care system and send you ours. We'll even pay to ship it over there for you.
HG: Sound fair.
Blakely: Think of it as a trade-in on your old, used health plan.  It still runs but you don't like the colour [color] any more.  We're willing to give you a nice, shiny new lemon in its place.  Don't look under the bonnet [hood] - because the engine doesn't run - but won't it look good sitting in the driveway?  Your neighbors will certainly admire it, as it's a newer version of the ones they all have.
HG: Is your system really that bad?
Blakely: No, it's much worse. Study after study has shown that our system - socialized health care - is terrible. A free market system works much better. Even your semi-free-market system beats our hands down.
HG: How big is this movement in the UK?
Blakely: Well, so far it is only includes the people who have had to deal with the poor level of care, rationing, and intense paperwork involved to get health care: in other words, just about anyone who has ever been sick or injured, with the exception of some politicians.
HG: We're not authorized to negotiate for anyone, but what would you say if we threw in all of our personal injury lawyers as well?
Blakely: Hmm.  We'll have to think about that deal.  I'll get back to you, but I still think it's worth it.

Greece Seeks Licensing Fees for Greek Letters

ATHENS, GREECE -- The Greek government today announced it will seek licensing fees for the use of Greek Letters. "These letters belong to us" Greek President Karolos Papoulias stated today in a press conference. "The Greek alphabet is our intellectual property and people around the world have been using them, without our consent - and without compensation - for centuries." The plan calls for a sliding scale of charges, depending on the letter. The popular letters Alpha and Beta will fetch the most money while little-used Chi and Rho will get the least.

Greece is currently facing a very serious financial crisis due to the rise of public sector unions and massive public debt. This proposal to regain financial solvency is a popular one within Greece according to Mr. Papoulias, the leader of the Greek Socialist party, as it "makes someone else pay."  The measures seek only to extract licensing fees on western nations, since "they're the only ones enforcing copyright and intellectual property laws anyway."

The move sparked a similar effort for licensing of Arabic numerals, but that proposal has been held up due to claims that "Arabic" numerals actually originated in India, prior to its subjugation by Arab Muslim conquerors in the 10th century.

Institutions of higher learning are predicted to pay billions if Greece is successful in enforcing its wishes. Many Universities and Colleges have already hiked tuition in anticipation.

Al Qaeda Offers Aid to Haiti

UNKNOWN LOCATION -- Al Qaeda offered assistance to Haiti today, saying they could provide weapons and hatred. An unnamed spokesman in a black ski mask stated "we would love to help our infidel brothers by supplying either one or both." They proposed working with either the French Government or the United Nations to get the supplies where they are needed most, but stipulated they would not work with the US Army under any conditions. The grainy recording of the offer surfaced in a known terrorist chat room yesterday and has since been authenticated by the CIA.

Although Al Qaeda considers itself a government-in-exile of all of humanity, this is the first known instance of them offering humanitarian assistance.  The organization produces death, destruction, and hatred, but indicated they only wanted to supply hatred at this time, since "Haiti seems to be well stocked with death and destruction right now." They did not rule out offering either in the future, if needed.

A UN Security Council spokesperson confirmed approval of the proposal using the new Terrorist / Despot Fast-track Approval Process (TD-FAP) and pledged assistance with "moving these needed supplies as quickly as possible to the afflicted region."

Code Pink Protests US Military Presence in Haiti

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI -- Code Pink activist Jennifer "JenJen" Nichols is hoarse after screaming "NO US MILITARY IN HAITI" for 3 hours straight at soldiers this morning, in a city devastated by a massive earthquake.  President Obama has pledged $100M, at least 6000 Soldiers and Marines, and a small fleet of Navy Vessels to help this poor island nation deal with the catastrophe.  It is the last two parts of that pledge that brought 14 Code Pink protestors here.

Moonbeam Sunshine, born Amy Edwards, is the leader of the small group and gave this statement while sipping a latte, "We oppose the US Military in Iraq.  We oppose it in Afghanistan.  We oppose it anywhere it goes."  Her small group of supporters cheered loudly as she finished in a crescendo, while shaking her fist "We just oppose, oppose, oppose!"

Ms. Sunshine went on to explain how this trip "is so much better than our Hamas support trip to Gaza.  The food is better, and we're able to see more of the city's night life."

Typhus Bacteria Put on Endangered Species List

GLAND, SWITZERLAND -- The Rickettsia Bacteria, which causes Typhus in humans, was officially placed on the Endangered Species List this week, as conservationists stated that "help was urgently needed for this noble parasite to survive."  Citing the extinction of the smallpox-causing Variola major and Variola minor viruses, a spokesperson for the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) noted that "humans act as if they can do whatever they like to other living creatures in this world."

"Only by taking action can we help this bacteria reclaim the greatness and majesty it once held in the world," stated Dr. Johann Strumm, spokesperson for the IUCN.  "Together we can and will make a difference in the lives of many."

He recommended that a strategy of "shaky or misrepresented science combined with scare tactics" be used and pointed to its successful application in a variety of environmental fields.  He further highlighted the resurgence of the Plasmodium parasite, which causes malaria, by reducing the use of certain pesticides through lawsuits and political pressure.  "Here was a good example of using questionable claims of environmental impact to directly cause tens of millions more successful malaria infections, thereby ensuring the continued survival of these beautiful and unique creatures."

London Investigates Agent Over Abuse

LONDON, ENGLAND – Her Majesty's Attorney General for England and Wales has decided to investigate an employee of the British Secret Service, Agent Austin D. Powers, amid allegations he tortured captives during Operation Bigglesworth in 1997.  The move follows an example set by the US Attorney General to re-investigate interrogation activities of CIA agents.  Criminal charges may result, depending on what is found.

Baroness Scotland of Asthal’s spokesperson stated that the Attorney General will investigate whether one suspect, well-known criminal mastermind Dr. Evil, was subject to “enhanced interrogation techniques” to divulge the details of his plan to put a large laser on the moon and use it to blackmail the United Nations.

Inuit Swimwear Sales Drop Off

BARROW, AK – Sales of swimwear and tanning lotion to the Inuit peoples of Canada, Russia, and the US have dropped precipitously since the revelation that man-made Global Warming is not real.  Industry figures compiled and released today show a clear drop in sales starting in November 2009 when emails were released to the public proving several important Global Warming scientists engaged in fraud to convince the general public of increasing world temperatures.

An Inuit Circumpolar Council spokesperson remarked about the change in opinion, “We believe science and fact, like everyone else.  We as a people were just trying to be prepared, but I guess we won’t be needing this stuff after all.  Anyone out there interested in a few thousand pairs of swim trunks and bikinis of various sizes and styles?”

Sales of the warm weather gear were pedaled primarily through local distributor Gore Industries, and were underwritten by loans from the United Nations.  Enthusiasm for Gore Industries hasn’t dampened in this part of the world and local shoppers say they will continue to purchase products from them.  “Many of us feel a little silly now, but we don't blame Gore Industries.  In fact, most of us agree we’ll continue to buy ice from them, at least.”

Trees Stage Protest at Copenhagen

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK – A group calling itself “Trees for Air Content Justice” is staging a counter-protest at the climate change conference this week.  A spokestree for the group said they organized “to speak out against the damage caused by you humans trying to limit the amount of CO2 you produce.”  It said trees have been protesting by falling, unnoticed, in forests for years, but they’ve come to the conclusion that they need to “start playing the game the right way if we want to get something done.”

In addition to protesting, they also intend to file lawsuits on “behalf of flora everywhere” to reverse a recent EPA decision to control CO2.  Shaking its leaves reproachfully, it said “We were here long before you hairy little things appeared and we’ll be here long after you’re gone.  What gives you the right to think you can or should regulate the very air we breathe?”

After 60 Years, Candy Bombers Brought to Justice

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS -- The International Criminal Court announced today it will proceed with a trial of the remaining "Candy Bombers".  The bombing campaign of Berlin civilians from 1949-1951 by the US is considered a crime against humanity by the UN Security Council.

“Today marks justice for the citizens of Berlin and their Soviet peacekeepers, both of whom suffered under this terrible act.” Secretary-General of the United Nations Ban Ki-moon said today in a prepared statement.  The 4 suspects that remain alive are being held in The Hague as they await trial.  The pilots were members of the team that perpetrated Operation Little Vittles, an especially gruesome part of the bombing campaign that specifically targeted children.  The ring-leader died in 1983, before international legal wrangling was completed to allow him to be brought to trial.  The US has acknowledged that while it never officially sanctioned Operation Little Vittles, the attacks were given tacit approval.

Mr. Ki-moon finished his statement with words intended to provide comfort to the victims, “Some say the UN is a large, corrupt body.  Some say we are a huge waste of money and ineffectual.  Today we are proving to the world that we are not ineffectual.”

Pirates End Attacks Saying "We Have Enough Money Now"

HARDAHEERE, SOMOLIA -- The leader of the International Brotherhood of Pirates today announced an end to all attacks, effective immediately.  Spack Jarrow, the leader of the organization, said through an interpreter this morning "Kidnappings, killings, pillaging - all ends today.  We've decided we have enough money now."

At a press conference from the pirate lair, a large rock resembling a skull, he provided details of the group's rise from abject poverty to international notoriety as they captured ship after ship for the last 15 years and ransomed the crews.  "We were always thinking about the future - we'd invest some of the ransom money back into the business in the form of more weapons, ammunition, and equipment.  But most of it has been invested in a variety of stocks and mutual funds."

"The plan all along has been to amass enough money to invest and live comfortably off the interest.  We've reached that point now and will release all the remaining prisoners." he said, referring to the more than 400 people still held.  "The global economic downturn has affected us - as it has a lot of people - causing us to continue our lawless behavior a little longer than we planned."

When asked about what they plan to do now, Mr. Jarrow was introspective.  "Well, many of us want to give back to the Somolian society that has done so much for us.  Several of the guys have expressed an interest in volunteering locally.  As for myself, I have applied to a dental school in South Africa.  I look forward to replacing the 'Captain' at the front of my name with 'DDS' at the end."