Economic Good News: Hate and Violence Production Up

Washington, DC – Further signs of the long-awaited US recovery were noted today by the US Department of Commerce, as the Hate Production and Racial Violence categories of the manufacturing sector showed strong year over year improvement.  According to the commerce website www.manufacturing.gov, the production of Hate is up 326% from this time last year.  Racial Violence has also shown strong recovery, with the subcategory of “Black Mobs Attacking Whites” leading the way, up 264% in that same time period.

Experts in the field can’t point to an exact cause, but agree that some credit goes to the Trayvon Martin incident.  Manufacturing expert Dr. Greg Portabano, of the University of Oregon, noted in an interview “The media and the race hustlers like (the Reverend Al) Sharpton, (the Reverend Jesse) Jackson, and the Black Panthers get a partial assist on this, since they really brought things to a fever pitch out there.  Saying white people are racist, white people are the cause of all the problems in the black community –the hyperbole, exaggeration, and outright lies have really helped the US produce some Hate.  You are seeing sections of the country now that don’t typically produce a lot of Hate really stepping up their game.  The increase in Violence and Crime are just added bonuses, although economists have noted for years that correlations exist between these economic sectors.  Mustn’t forget to give a lot of credit to the President and his Justice Department, who have done everything they can to help move this along.”

It is hoped that this increase in US Manufacturing will keep gaining steam and eventually cause companies to increase hiring.  Dr. Portabano feels this will happen.  “I am convinced this will help get people back to work – more hospital staff, nurses, and technicians will be needed.  A lot of long term rehab will be needed to get the victims put back together, in addition to surgeries to reconstruct faces and appendages.  You have the increased spending on medical supplies and equipment.  There is the supply side to think of, too: more police, prison guards, and EMTs.  Not to be too crass about it, but I just hope all this comes to pass in time for people to give President Obama the credit that he deserves at poll time in November.”

"Occupy Pro Sports" Movement Gains Steam

Bronx, NY -- Outside Yankee Stadium, the hundred or so "Occupy Pro Sports" protesters aren't afraid of a little rain.  However, some of them are afraid of the ball.  "I flinch and close my eyes every time the ball is thrown," says Paul Sillentri who lives near the stadium.  He plays softball twice a week, but his batting average "is so low, it's in the noise of a typical 3 digit batting average."   He admits it is officially listed as "zero" in both leagues, even though it is slightly higher.  "I usually bunt successfully once a season or so.  When people talk about the 99% of athletes in the world - I'm definitely one them."

The "Occupy Pro Sports" movement has been taking off since it was officially kicked off last month by a group calling themselves "Terrible Basketball Players United."  The group's demands were muddled at first - everything from publicly funded athletic instruction to limb amputation of extremely gifted sports stars - but have started to coalesce recently.  A webpage calling itself the Official Occupy Pro Sports site now lists the following demands (reprinted with permission):

1. Congressional grilling of 1%ers: all professional athletes who are too good and dominate their sport need to be punished and publicly humiliated.

2. Open tryouts for ANYONE who wants to make ANY professional sports team.  The Federal Government must regulate and oversee these tryouts to ensure fairness.

3. Government created and managed professional sports leagues for the 99%, funded by steep taxes on the existing non-government leagues.

The loosely affiliated "OPS" movements around the country are hoping to induce government action by harassing fans and vandalizing stadiums and rinks around the country.  In Cleveland this week, a mob of hostile protestors jeered and taunted Cleveland Indian players as they attempted to enter the stadium for an afternoon practice.  Several attempted to throw water bottles and trash at the athletes but had such poor aim no players were ever in any danger.  In another incident, three occupiers wearing skates and "We Are The 99%" t-shirts jumped on ice during an NHL playoff game in New Jersey but couldn't outskate the team's mascot and were quickly apprehended.  Several other stadiums have seen scratched and marred statuary where occupy mobs lacked the strength to pull them down.

Self-appointed OPS spokesperson Van Jones, who served briefly as a presidential cabinet appointee in 2009 but is more famously known as "the worst golfer Obama ever met", said "these events were actually successes because they bring infamy and attention to the OPS movement."  He went on to list several other occurrences and stated there are at least 29 "Occupy" groups in major cities all over the country.  "Turns out there are a lot of really lousy athletes out there that could never be a pro athlete in a million years without government intervention.  The folks always picked last in dodge ball. We're just looking to level the playing field," he adds with a grin.

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Syrian Army Attacks Homs: "We believe they are burning Korans"

HOMS, SYRIA -- As months of a brutal crackdown continue and the civilian death toll stretches into the thousands, the Syrian Army revealed that it is only shelling cities because of reports that the Koran is being burned in rebel-held regions. "We have strong reason to believe they are burning Korans in there," an Army official said, while directing fire into heavily populated areas.

Arab League observers in the country confirmed this and said they were taken to areas recaptured from the rebels where they saw "a lot of ash and debris, which obviously came from all the Korans they had been burning." Burning or desecration of the holy book of Islam is considered a terrible crime by Muslims, usually cleansed by the random killing of infidels.

It is unknown why the rebels are burning the Korans, since journalists are not allowed in the areas of Syria under rebellion. Syrian Army commanders confirmed that they don't know why the Korans are being burned, but "we must take action to stop it."

An Al-Jazeera poll of several middle eastern populations showed that approval for the Syrian response against its people, which includes the murder and torture of women and children, increased substantially after the allegations of Koran burning were reported. Saudi Arabian carpet salesman Al-Aliz Mohammed summed up the feelings of many in the Arab world by noting "the only thing that could be better than bombing the cities is to somehow construct a giant shoe and show the rebels the bottom of that shoe. I've heard Russian scientists are working on just such a shoe for Iran."

10+ States Granted 'Flexibility' in Fed'l School Requirements

Washington, DC -- President Barack Obama's administration announced this week that it would grant waivers to the "No Child Left Behind" act for 10 states. The law requires states to prove that their students meet a minimum competency level in reading and mathematics by 2014. Education Secretary Arne Duncan provided details on the waivers starting with the statement "It is pretty much Bush's fault. He's the one who pushed for these so-called 'educational standards' to be met. He's the one who garnered bi-partisan support to get it passed. I don't understand why people think it is so important to teach kids reading and math anyway." As many as 29 more states are reportedly considering the waivers in the coming years.

Duncan provided extensive details on what the Obama administration's goals are for education as journalists asked for clarification on the shocking announcement. "Teaching about the environment, why unions are vital to this country, the importance of diversity, and the incredible Barack Obama - that is what kids are learning today. Why, when I think of all those tiny, impressionable little faces upturned and staring at a giant image of our current leader while being told what an intelligent and compassionate man he is I get a little choked up. Why should our youngsters be burdened with learning math or reading? Look at this example problem from one of the standardized tests: 'Using a calculator and the chart below, determine the annual interest payments on 15 trillion dollars of debt.' That's just not realistic training for life anymore."

Analysts backed up the Secretary's claims that children don't need to learn "all that old junk", with several notable scientific journals publishing Federally-funded studies and research this month detailing how old-fashioned subjects like math, reading, and science are unnecessary in today's complex world.

IUCN: North American Taxpayer Extinct by 2085

GLAND, SWITZERLAND -- The North American Taxpayer was changed from a "Vulnerable" to "Endangered" species this week, highlighting a decades-long slide in the status of this once thriving mammal. The International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN), which maintains the status and classifications of "at risk" species, issued a notice that the already threatened population experienced a significant drop in the last two decades, and the trend toward extinction appears to be accelerating.

IUCN spokesperson Dr. Clive Patrominski-Feldersenfreid spoke briefly about the situation, "The implications of the loss of this organism can't be overstated. This is not some minor local variant like the Salt Creek Tiger Beetle, which - Gaia forbid - would at least have only a limited effect on the surrounding area if lost. The North American Taxpayer is a major part of the economic eco-structure of this whole continent - many, many other animals rely on it for their very existence. I predict dire consequences around the world if this powerful and lovely creature is lost."

He went on to cite likely reasons for the decrease, including the destruction of their natural habitat by government programs, cultural shifts resulting in behavioral changes, and a low reproductive rate.

Experts familiar with the data confirmed that the complex webs and interactions of the economic eco-system are not fully understood, but some troubling signs have emerged which may hold a clue to this creature's decline. According to Patrominski-Feldersenfreid, "At the same time, we're seeing a surge in the numbers of various economic parasites. We do not think that is a coincidence. We are desperately trying to find the links between these populations before it's too late. It's as if something is siphoning off the resources from one group and giving them to another. We're baffled how this can be, given the strong environment of property rights and work ethic that this region of the world has had for centuries."

He closed with this sober warning "If nothing is done in the next few years, the North American Taxpayer will be completely gone by 2085 and our grandchildren will only be able to see them in two ways: stuffed museum pieces and footage from old sitcoms."

Romney Hopes to Become RNC's "Least Disliked Candidate"

McBee, SC -- "My positions have been carefully crafted so no one is too unhappy with them. I don't say things that might cause a confrontation. My hair is perfect and I smile a lot. This is my year!" shouted Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney at a campaign stop during his race to the nomination. The assembled crowd signaled enthusiastic approval by politely clapping and smiling back.

"My team has created a bold plan which differs from the status quo in several relatively significant areas, considered non-controversial to a majority of eligible voters." Mr. Romney continued passionately, his voice rising slightly.

Party leaders consider him the ultimate moderate candidate. "He combines the self control of Bob Dole, the ferocity of John McCain, and just enough Walter Mondale to please New Hampshire voters. With a combination like that, how can the voters lose?" says Republican party staffer Jack Tomson.

Supporters noted his many strengths, starting with being "a very disciplined speaker." As campaign worker Tom Jackson stated, "He works hard at not saying too much and saying it in a careful way. The press is going to have a really hard time finding little sound bites that can be used against him. That alone qualifies him to be leader of the free world, as far as most voters are concerned."

US Switches Policies on Iran and "Rich People"

WASHINGTON, DC -- The United States Executive branch has decided to "swap policies" to jumpstart progress against its two biggest threats: Iran and Rich People. President Barack Obama outlined the changes to US policy in a speech this past week, noting "Iran is pursuing nuclear weapons and is a dangerous country. Millionaires and billionaires are pursuing more and more money and are dangerous people. In the past, we've issued sanctions on the one and ramped up taxes and rhetoric against the other. We're simply going to swap the two policies to see if maybe that works." Aids responded to questions after the speech, saying "it's something we're going to try for a little while and see what happens. If after a year or so we're no better off, we'll probably switch them back."

Under the new US stance, the President and his staff will seek to increase taxes on the country of Iran and start directing heated rhetoric toward the Middle Eastern nation, vilifying it. In addition, Rich People - the official definition hasn't yet been provided, but pundits generally agree this will probably mean anyone making more than $250,000 a year - will find their bank accounts frozen and travel restricted until they agree to either transform their businesses into green energy suppliers or give all their "excess" money to charity or the US Treasury.

An administration spokesperson added "one definition of insanity is to keep trying the same thing and expecting different results. This proves we're not crazy after all."

Wall St. Occupiers Erect 'Statue of Misery'

New York, NY -- The "Occupy Wall Street" activists erected a statue this past week, inspired by the US Statue of Liberty, created so "the dozens of new arrivals to this strange new land will have something to inspire them." The group is calling it the "Statue of Misery" and expressed hope that the monument would last "as long as the 'Occupy' movement itself."

One of the creators of the statue, former art student Stan Andeliver, stressed that the statue was built from recycled material. "99% of it is organic trash from around the park. This stuff has just been lying around here doing nothing for weeks, and we picked it up and used it. Let it serve now as a beacon for others."

The brief dedication ceremony consisted of an original reading by self-described 'street poet' John Languid, called "The New and Improved Colossus."

Not like that big ol' lady shivering in the sea
Welcoming legal immigrants to this unfair land,
Unfathomably thinking it better than where they left.
We have here this totally awesome new place
And this pile of stuff - vaguely human-like - but made from trash
To welcome fellow travelers to our make-believe world
Where we don't have to work
To prove our worth, or fill our stomachs.
Bring me your lazy, your selfish, your ignorant youth,
Nurtured and programmed by cynical fools.
Bring them here to live on someone else's land -
Noisy and noisome - and play pretend.
That we are grownups now and know better than those
Who came before and built this place.

CDC: Racism a Disease, DNC Has Secret Vaccine

Druid Hills, GA -- The US Center for Disease Control (CDC) has revealed racism to be a disease which only humans of Caucasian ancestry can contract. This shocking announcement was made today by a CDC press release after years of speculation by conspiracy theorists worldwide.

A document from the CDC describing the findings was leaked to several media outlets in 1992, but most declined to publish it. The document, on CDC letterhead and now acknowledged as genuine, alluded to the knowledge that racism was a disease to which only white people are succeptible, caused by a virus called Fraudulus Accuzashiun. The disease is passed socially, by talking with or being around people who have it - most of whom show no symptoms and don't even realize they have it themselves. Mass gatherings, such as the Tea Party rallies of the last few years, have resulted in thousands of new infections, causing the World Health Organization to classify it as an 'outbreak' in the US.

The most controversial part of the elaborate cover was the revelation that the Democratic National Committee (DNC) funded the CDC to produce a vaccine for the disease, which has been kept secret from rank-and-file members, but distributed through beverages served at DNC events since the late 1960s. Whole states have also been inoculated, including California and Vermont, "for testing purposes" according to a high-ranking CDC official.

The late Senator Robert Byrd was one of the early test cases for the vaccine, who was a member of the KKK at a young age.  He was miraculously cured after receiving the vaccine.

Other unusual programs to combat the disease include the use of racism-sniffing dogs, created by injecting German Shepherds with a serum made from the Rev. Jesse Jackson's blood.  Dogs were provided to select news outlets to "aid in disease detection," according to sources.

Army Overwhelmed by DADT Recruits

The Pentagon, VA -- The US Department of Defense has observed a huge increase in recruitment efforts since the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" law was repealed, allowing openly gay men and women to serve in the armed forces. Recruitment offices around the country have reportedly been "overwhelmed" with gay applicants volunteering to serve in the US Military.

"I've been a recruiter for over 10 years and I've never seen anything like this," noted a recruiting Sergeant from Indiana, who asked not to be named. "They were lined up around the corner when I came in today. Hundreds of them waiting quietly and patiently for their turn to serve their country."

He continued, "A soldier's life can be hard - dangerous and exhausting. It takes a good deal of selflessness. You sign up to possibly sacrifice your life so that others in your country can continue to enjoy the blessings of freedom. You crawl through mud. You get shot at. Homosexuals just seem a natural fit."

Sociologists and other experts in human behavior have not been as surprised, however. Dr. Stan Ramble notes, "Poll after poll has shown that many homosexuals want to serve in the military and the only thing stopping them has been DADT. Several years ago, a gay man I know told me he wanted to become an Army Ranger and had a dilemma. He either had to lie about his lifestyle or choose a different career. He really wanted to test himself to the limits of human resiliency and prove to himself that he has what it takes to become one of the best soldiers in the world, in the best military in the world. In the end, he decided on his second choice and became a hairdresser, but he has lived with regret ever since."

Wall Street Occupation Ends, Cleanup Begins

New York City, NY -- Citing sanitation concerns, the Occupy Wall Street protests will be coming to an end as the New York City Police Department starts evicting the dozens of protesters that have been living in a public park for about 3 weeks. A spokesperson for the NYPD said "It's a bit like when some distant cousin comes by to stay at your house for weeks and doesn't do anything but sit around all day and make noise. At some point you just want them out - you need to repair your broken stuff and clean up the garbage and excrement everywhere."

An informal poll of the protesters by the Hell Gazette found that most participants felt "they had accomplished something, like, important" after living in tents and subsisting on handouts for 3 weeks. One young man said "I think I speak for anyone within earshot who might be awake when I say, we accomplished a lot. For one thing, we saved a lot of water by not showering for 3 weeks. That's good for the environment, right?" He went on to say it was "just like being in the Civil Rights marches of the 1960s, except without actual grievances."

Wall Street declined to be interviewed for this article, saying it was far too busy.

"Spend Like Drunken Sailors" Urges Fed

WASHINGTON DC -- Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warned the US Congress to "continue to spend taxpayer money like drunken sailors" today in a speech to the Joint Economic Committee. In a speech hailed by many as "simply brilliant", he thundered to policy makers "If you stop spending money like crazy, bad economic-type stuff will happen."

When questioned later what the consequences of cutting spending would be, he responded solemnly "Really Bad Stuff: our economic models and mathematical formulas show this clearly. Congress must continue to spend lots of money we don't have, or this country is going to be in worse shape than it is now."

Aids to Mr. Bernanke expanded on his speech afterwards, citing numerous studies and research papers that support the concept. "It may seem counter-intuitive to those few people out there who actually think 'living within one's means' is good policy. It is a shame, but that kind of outmoded thinking has largely gotten us into this mess in the first place. It just shows how ignorance of modern economic theory still persists in small pockets of this country. Luckily, the rest of the world has got it figured out, so we have ample evidence to show doubters."

President's "Green Jobs" Predictions Likely True

Fremont, CA -- "The future is here" President Obama bravely declared back in May of 2010 when he toured solar panel manufacturer Solyndra. Eighteen months later, the company has declared bankruptcy after accepting more than a half billion dollars of taxpayer loan guarantees. Supporters now consider that comment further proof that the President's intelligence and leadership skills rank up there with the best US Presidents.

As syndicated NY Times columnist Jan Snerk wrote in her column yesterday "Reagan had 'Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall', Kennedy had his predictions about the space race, Roosevelt had 'Day of Infamy.' Predictions like these indicate keen insight into future events based on their knowledge of the human spirit, world events, and history. Now Obama has done the same thing, predicting that the poor business sense, wishful thinking, and corruption of 'green jobs' initiatives will end in bankruptcy - perhaps even bankruptcy of this nation. I said it before and I'll say it again - he is a genius."

Supporters also note that the President's abilities don't stop with mere talk. "He backs it up with actions, too," says Obama supporter Evan McKnuckles, of Suncook, New Hampshire. "He wasn't afraid to risk our taxpayer money on a shaky business put together and owned by one of his prominent financial supporters. That shows real initiative, as far as I'm concerned. It was only a small amount, maybe a buck fifty per taxpaying household, but this is just one of his many ventures into funding green jobs.  There are many more!"

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Panel of Experts: Bumper Stickers Bringing Democracy to the Middle East

San Francisco, CA -- Those little blue "COEXIST" bumper stickers that are frequently seen on Japanese-made cars are the real reason the Middle East has been plunged into turmoil recently as people in country after country have risen up in revolt, demanding an end to tyranny.  At a conference this week near San Francisco, California, entitled "Why Would Other Countries Possibly Want to be More Like the US?", the topic was discussed at length by a panel of experts during the session called "Bumper Stickers Vs. Bullets."

The panel overwhelming agreed that the bumper stickers were the reason for the recent democratic longings in middle eastern nations, and most discussion concerned the reason why.

Dr. Elaine Waffel-Kohn, Department Chair of Anthropology at Princeton University, presented the following explanation "The logic is a little convoluted and really takes a PhD to understand completely, but I'll try to explain it in simple terms. Because of the Theory of Reciprocation, and conjoined with the well understood phenomenom of the 7 degrees of freedom, when we in this country embrace other cultures around the world, those cultures embrace us back. Even if they don't realize it. It seems counterintuitive, but by doing something towards mutual understanding here we cause other people - even someone thousands of miles away who believes we are infidels and hates us or whatever - to take a look at themselves and re-examine what they believe."

Another possible reason had to do with karmic energy and its well-documented impact on world events. As Professor William Plum, Head of Wiccan Studies at Harvard stated, "The COEXIST bumper stickers each create a small amount of karmic energy - good karmic energy. That energy then floats across the universe and causes peaceful thoughts to enter people everywhere. The more bumper stickers, the more good karma that is produced." When asked, Mr. Plum wasn't sure if the karma was produced when the bumper sticker was printed, purchased, or actually placed on the vehicle.

While the causes may not be exactly known, all participants agreed that the cause was definitely not the United State's stated policy goals of bringing hope and democracy to the parts of the world where it is lacking. As one panel participant stated when asked this question "Oh, come on. There is no doubt that there is a strong yearning for freedom and fair elections in places like Yemen, Egypt, and Libya right now. But which explanation makes more sense? That this yearning was brought about by the US toppling brutal despots and bringing some form of democracy to neighboring countries? Or - much more likely - peace-loving people everywhere proudly dispaying bumper stickers that hope for peace, love, and understanding?"

Obama Pivot Inspired by "Undercover Boss" Experience Last Year

WASHINGTON, DC -- After viewing President Barack Obama's State of the Union address last night, pundits were struggling to understand his apparent turn to the political right.  His staff revealed afterwards that the President's political outlook changed drastically after recording an episode for the popular CBS Television show "Undercover Boss" and seeing firsthand the magnitude of waste and incompetence within the US Federal Government.  The show, which the network agreed not to air until after the Presidential election in 2012, has been reported to be "a real eye-opener for the American public, and the current President."

The President's Former Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, spoke to reporters about the President's experiences this past summer while taping the show.   "We did not want him to do it," he noted sourly. "He's never held a real job before, and we didn't think we was ready.  Plus, we were afraid if he learned how things actually work in the government he'd be a changed man.  Turns out we were right - can you imagine him a year ago acknowledging the deficit as a problem?"

CBS released some details about the episode, stating that the President took three assignments as a low-level intern named "Barry King" and spent 3 months at the Environmental Protection Agency, Department of Housing and Urban Development, and Department of Education. The show's producer notes that his reactions follow "a typical pattern of response: shock and denial at first, eventual acceptance, and finally the strong desire to change. It makes for a nice show."  He went on to say that there was enough material to stretch into multiple episodes, and a feature-length "reality TV movie" was being considered. He said the concept would be "equal parts Metropolis and Brazil, with elements of the Matrix, as the main character comes to realize that everything he believes is wrong."

The President made new friends while taping the show, and some have come forward with details about his astounding political transformation.  Sally Whitfield, who has worked for the EPA for 27 years and currently processes oil rig drilling permits, says the experience of the President was comical to watch. "When he first started, I tried telling him to slow down, but he wouldn't listen.  He kept running around here, asking 'why are there so many forms?', 'why is everything so complicated and slow?', 'why doesn't anyone seem to care?'  I warned him that if kept going at that pace, he was going to make people mad.  Sure enough, he did - and some of the people he needed approvals and signatures from started causing him trouble.  One day - near the end of his rotation - he sits down with me and says 'Sally, instead of helping, I think we are actually making things worse.'  I just laughed and told him to be happy he has a job."

Analysts on the political right offered guarded approval for the President's outlook when news of the show broke. In the words of one Heritage Foundation blogger, "although we don't expect him to turn into Ronald Reagan or anything, we hope the scales fell from his eyes because of this experience and he starts to recognize that Government really is the problem. Maybe this showed him why the US Constitution is a 'negative rights' document and why the framers sought to limit government in size and scope to the bare minimum necessary."

The White House would not confirm rumors that the President is also planning to appear on the reality show "Celebrity Apprentice" to get some real-world experience in leadership and management.

Rejected Draft SOTU Address Leaked

The Hell Gazette has obtained a leaked draft of tonight's State of the Union Address. This copy was reportedly rejected by various staffers, but is reprinted in its entirety here, including hand-written edits:

Dear Comrades,
Dear Party Faithful,
Dear Fellow Americans,

As I stand before you today, I have a message of much hope and some change. It has been a tumultuous two years since I was ordained sworn in as your Commander in Chief.

In that time, we have acted on various crises - both real and manufactured - to advance our cause progress this country into a new century of indebtedness equality. Some radical elements within our republic, however, have managed to erect temporary barriers to change.  I quote a great man when I say don't give up hope: 'We Shall Overcome!'  While that great man fought for equality, we fight for something more than equality.  We fight for the fruits of other people's labor and the power to control our fellow man.

My legal training and experiences have taught me many things.   Foremost among them is the following, the wisdom of which I now share with all of you. When one man takes another's possessions through force or trickery, that is called stealing and it is a great wrong. However, when one man takes another's possessions via duly elected representatives and taxation, that is called redistribution of wealth and it is a great right.

That goal of redistribution of wealth is our ultimate destination and one which we have worked at for nearly a century.  My Socialized Health Care law has moved the needle significantly in that direction, and all the tricks, deals, and midnight votes hard work to make that happen have not been in vain.

Hopefully the coming year does not see that important work undone.

In closing, I want all Americans to be thankful that we live in this great nation. A nation where we have food, housing, and cell phones provided by the state for a huge segment of the populace.  A nation where workers can choose to throw off the shackles of employment for months at a time and live comfortably while their neighbor works to pay for it. A nation where about 8% of the workers are employed directly by government - and rising. A nation that has its hands and fingers into every aspect of every citizen's life, benevolently groping us all for the greater good.

Most of all, a nation where all of these things are paid for by an ever decreasing number of taxpayers and an ever increasing amount of debt.

Most of all, a nation where all of these things are paid for by... someone else.

Most of all, a nation where we don't spend too much time thinking about how these things are paid for.

Thank you and good night.

Smithsonian Changes Course, Will Offend All Religions

WASHINGTON, DC -- The National Portrait Gallery, a federally funded museum of the Smithsonian Institution, has abruptly reversed its decision to stop displaying portions of an artistic exhibition featuring an ant-covered crucifix.  The museum now intends to expand that display and rename it "Celebrating World Religions: Sickening Images and Repulsive Ideas."

The exhibit that sparked a public outcry by denigrating a symbol of Jesus Christ, whom some Christians believe to be the savior of all mankind and the son of God, will be put back on display around April, in time for the Christian holiday of Easter.

Mr. Andre Poofley, the Curator of Offensive and Scatological Art at the Smithsonian, responded to questions about the change in direction today and stated "We're embarking on a new artistic policy and we're not kowtowing anymore to religious groups and their narrow-minded prejudices. To show how open-minded and tolerant we are in comparison, we intend to offend all the major religions." He went on to explain that the new exhibit would be going on for the rest of the year and would seek to mock and ridicule every major religion around their holy days.  "Christians, Hindus, Muslims, and Buddhists - get ready to be angry!" he went on to say.  Additional security measures will be in place during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, a museum official later added.

Mr. Poofley concluded the press conference with a brief tour and closing remarks, "People - non-artists - write me letters all the time saying this style of art is deliberately controversial, and that these artists are crass, attention-seeking swindlers with no talent.  Well, that just isn't true.  These are talented, thoughtful, and hard-working craftsman with something important to say.  Anyone who sees our first tour stop is sure to be convinced of that.  It is called 'partially-chewed food smeared on a white canvas.'"

Health Law "Backroom Deal" Groups Threaten Boycott of Repeal

DETROIT, MI -- The United Auto Workers (UAW) have threatened to boycott the proposed repeal of the new health care law. Members of collective bargaining organizations such as the UAW were specifically exempted from the "Cadillac Tax" provision of the Health Care and Education Reconciliation Act of 2010. This exemption is one of many "special deals" included in the law that mandated that citizens purchase health care insurance or face fines.

Comments from the UAW President, Bob King, indicate that his organization isn't exactly sure what they will be boycotting, but intend to boycott with gusto, once they've figured it out. "We will definitely boycott the repeal if it is passed. We're working on the details still, but we think that means we will continue to buy health care insurance even though the law forcing us to has been repealed. Or, it might mean we will now buy more health care insurance because the Federal Government is no longer telling us we must buy it. Also, with regards to the 'Cadillac Tax' of 40% on premium, high-priced health care insurance - to which we've been given special treatment and don't have to pay - we think we will pay that if the law saying we don't have to is repealed. ...wait, that's not right. As I stated previously - we are still figuring out what we will boycott and which parts we won't." King's office later admitted that "working this all out will be pretty tough since the law is over a thousand pages long and extremely complex."

Other parties that benefited from back room deals are considering fighting back against the proposed repeal as well. For example, several of the more than 200 businesses and organizations that have been granted waivers to the law are also considering a similar boycott. As a representative from Aetna insurance stated, "You pay good money to your congress-person's campaign fund - or promise votes, if you are one of the unions - to get special exceptions to laws that everyone else has to live by and you think you've got a deal. Next thing you know, the next congress comes along and thinks they can alter the deal or repeal it.  It just isn't fair."

Sharpton Opposes Haitians Adopted by "Crackers"

WASHINGTON, DC -- One year after the tiny island nation of Haiti was devastated by an earthquake, the prominent Civil Rights hero Reverend Al Sharpton is speaking out against the more than 1,100 Haitian orphans that have been adopted by "Crackers all over the country."

"It is wrong for these once-proud black children raised honorably in poverty by our black cousins to now become a part of Whitey's machine. They are being brainwashed by their adoptive families that this country is one that provides opportunity and openness to all of God's children. My black brothers and sisters know that is not true," Reverend Sharpton was quoted as saying as he stepped from one of the 7 black limousines containing his privately-funded entourage and security detail to speak on the steps of the Capital.

Many of the adopted children have shown a remarkable resiliency and are now thriving despite the tragedy and horror they have been through.  Some experts believe a stable and safe home, good nutrition, and a loving family could be contributing factors to these successes. When asked about this point, Rev. Sharpton seemed bewildered by the concept, but replied eventually "don't believe everything you read."

Rev. Sharpton proposed a two-part solution whereby Haitian children would be placed with black welfare families.  This solution, he said, "would get them away from The Man and also bring more income to the black community in the form of welfare dollars."  In addition, he demanded that the Federal Government provide money to his National Action Network organization, equal to the amount it currently owes in back-taxes.

"Extra-Constitutional Bubble" Around Lawmakers Proposed

WASHINGTON, DC -- As the nation recovers from the recent shooting of a Congresswoman in Arizona, Representative Peter King (R-NY) is trying to do something to prevent future attacks.  He is interested in banning firearms within 1000 ft. of high-ranking government officials.

Rep. King admitted that this bill violates the 2nd amendment to the Constitution, but added "We are looking into a 1000 ft. area around lawmakers where the constitution just wouldn't apply at all.  No Amendments; No 'We The People' - nothing.  None of that stuff would matter within our 1000 ft. spheres."  When asked whether that would mean nearly all of Capital Hill would exist inside this "extra-constitutional bubble", he responded angrily "What's the difference?  We've been operating that way for decades!"

The proposal has the backing of a significant number in Congress and the President, many of whom have assumed the bill will pass and are now working on the implementation.  One congressional aid provided details about a proposed "entourage" that would follow all high-ranking Federal lawmakers around to make measurements when a constitutional call needed to made "near the boundaries."  "We see a small team being a good solution, like the chain gangs they have at football games," noted the senior staffer.  "Perhaps the measurement team should consist of a member from each branch of government - that sounds like something the Founding Fathers could have written," the aid added thoughtfully.

A spokesperson for President Obama related the President's anticipation of signing the bill into law "so all of us here can live in this bubble - happily protected and busy working on the important issues of the day."

AZ Shooter "Claimed" by the Left

TUCSON, AZ -- Although originally charged with being part of the "vast right wing conspiracy" by the media following his shooting rampage in Arizona on January 8th, 2011, suspected murderer Jared Lee Loughner has since been "claimed" by left-wing organizations who now are attempting to portray him in a slightly different light.

A representative of the Democratic party who asked not to be named said "Immediately after it happened, we just assumed he was a right-winger.  I mean, here you have this skin-head looking guy gunning down a House Rep with 'D' after her name.  At that point, who would have been shocked if the guy worked for Halliburton or BP and had his KKK membership card in his pocket, right?  For us, that means attack, attack, attack the usual suspects; Glenn Beck, Rush, Sarah Palin - standard operating procedure, right?  Unfortunately, it turns out he is pot-smoking loser who reads the Communist Manifesto and has all sorts of strange and incoherent beliefs.  We had no choice but to claim him as one of our own."  The University of Alabama shooter last year, Amy Bishop, was similarly "claimed" last year by the political far left.

Many prominent left-leaning organizations are busy providing possible defenses against accusations that they incited Mr. Loughner to perform this horrible act.  The Green Party was the first, providing the following statement on Monday, "We are shocked and saddened by the horrific acts of last Saturday.  However, we have strong reason to believe the act was performed in error and Mr. Loughner was actually aiming for the non-organically grown vegetables in aisle 12.  A few humans were unfortunately caught in the crossfire."

Koran-burning On Hold as Pastor Negotiates End to People Burning

GAINESVILLE, FL -- Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove Outreach Center has decided to suspend "International Burn a Koran Day" scheduled for this Saturday, September 11. This event was to consist of the burning of various Islamic Holy texts, including the Koran, Hadith, and 'Bomb-making for Dummies' in protest of the Muslim faith's occasional transgressions in the use of terror attacks.

The about-face reportedly occurred because Rev. Jones has been working with various parties in the Middle East region to suspend the daily occurrence of similar burning activities in Muslim countries. At a press conference, Rev. Jones stated "We've been in serious negotiations with officials from the Religion of Peace to end the burning and murder of Christians living in a few Muslim countries such as Afghanistan, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Palestine, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Somalia, Nigeria, Indonesia, Chechnya, Turkey, excuse me while I take a short break - I'm getting up there in age and don't have the stamina that I used to. Whew! At any rate, in exchange, we've agreed to not burn those books, as originally planned.  Anyone interested in buying 15 gently used Islamic holy books?"

The small Florida church never expected the controversy around the planned Koran-burning event and has been under considerable pressure from a variety of "interested parties" on both sides of the issue.  These parties range from the current US President to the immense global company EZBurn Ltd, maker and distributor of flammable American flags and Bibles throughout the world.

Army Moves Away From Outdated Concept of "Fighting" Enemy

FORWARD OPERATING BASE BRAVO, AFGHANISTAN -- "The new way to fight the enemy on the battlefield is to not shoot at them. Especially an enemy that doesn't follow the traditional rules of warfare, which are intended to limit civilian deaths." These are words from a high-ranking NATO commander discussing the proposal to award a "courageous restraint" medal to soldiers who don't fight the enemy when it could harm a civilian, property, or livestock. She went on to explain that "in the past, we fought the enemy by finding them and killing them. The new way is to 'kill' them with kindness. This new medal for restraint during combat will reward our nicest soldiers out there. Our computer models indicate this method will win the war eventually."

US Officials are confident that this new strategy will be effective in beating a zealous, determined enemy. They note that the enemy's strategy is at odds with Western sensitivities and will eventually be their downfall, once news outlets start reporting it. They cite several examples of the "really mean-spirited" campaign enemy soldiers have been waging for years in Afghanistan: wearing no uniform, deliberately targeting innocent civilians, hiding amongst the regular population, and cash awards for combatants who kill civilians.

In closing the NATO Commander noted that "Our new US Army is part of the Peace and Love plan that we just know will convince the enemy what nice people we are and make them lay down their arms. I'm convinced of it and I know our Commander-In-Chief is, too."