The Hell Gazette

IUCN: North American Taxpayer Extinct by 2085

2012-02-07T09:01:00.000-08:00

GLAND, SWITZERLAND -- The North American Taxpayer was changed from a "Vulnerable" to "Endangered" species this week, highlighting a decades-long slide in the status of this once thriving mammal. The International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN), which maintains the status and classifications of "at risk" species, issued a notice that the already threatened population experienced a significant drop in the last two decades, and the trend toward extinction appears to be accelerating.

IUCN spokesperson Dr. Clive Patrominski-Feldersenfreid spoke briefly about the situation, "The implications of the loss of this organism can't be overstated. This is not some minor local variant like the Salt Creek Tiger Beetle, which - Gaia forbid - would at least have only a limited effect on the surrounding area if lost. The North American Taxpayer is a major part of the economic eco-structure of this whole continent - many, many other animals rely on it for their very existence. I predict dire consequences around the world if this powerful and lovely creature is lost."

He went on to cite likely reasons for the decrease, including the destruction of their natural habitat by government programs, cultural shifts resulting in behavioral changes, and a low reproductive rate.

Experts familiar with the data confirmed that the complex webs and interactions of the economic eco-system are not fully understood, but some troubling signs have emerged which may hold a clue to this creature's decline. According to Patrominski-Feldersenfreid, "At the same time, we're seeing a surge in the numbers of various economic parasites. We do not think that is a coincidence. We are desperately trying to find the links between these populations before it's too late. It's as if something is siphoning off the resources from one group and giving them to another. We're baffled how this can be, given the strong environment of property rights and work ethic that this region of the world has had for centuries."

He closed with this sober warning "If nothing is done in the next few years, the North American Taxpayer will be completely gone by 2085 and our grandchildren will only be able to see them in two ways: stuffed museum pieces and footage from old sitcoms."

Romney Hopes to Become RNC's "Least Disliked Candidate"

2012-01-19T05:53:00.000-08:00

McBee, SC -- "My positions have been carefully crafted so no one is too unhappy with them. I don't say things that might cause a confrontation. My hair is perfect and I smile a lot. This is my year!" shouted Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney at a campaign stop during his race to the nomination. The assembled crowd signaled enthusiastic approval by politely clapping and smiling back.

"My team has created a bold plan which differs from the status quo in several relatively significant areas, considered non-controversial to a majority of eligible voters." Mr. Romney continued passionately, his voice rising slightly.

Party leaders consider him the ultimate moderate candidate. "He combines the self control of Bob Dole, the ferocity of John McCain, and just enough Walter Mondale to please New Hampshire voters. With a combination like that, how can the voters lose?" says Republican party staffer Jack Tomson.

Supporters noted his many strengths, starting with being "a very disciplined speaker." As campaign worker Tom Jackson stated, "He works hard at not saying too much and saying it in a careful way. The press is going to have a really hard time finding little sound bites that can be used against him. That alone qualifies him to be leader of the free world, as far as most voters are concerned."

US Switches Policies on Iran and "Rich People"

2011-11-22T06:00:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- The United States Executive branch has decided to "swap policies" to jumpstart progress against its two biggest threats: Iran and Rich People. President Barack Obama outlined the changes to US policy in a speech this past week, noting "Iran is pursuing nuclear weapons and is a dangerous country. Millionaires and billionaires are pursuing more and more money and are dangerous people. In the past, we've issued sanctions on the one and ramped up taxes and rhetoric against the other. We're simply going to swap the two policies to see if maybe that works." Aids responded to questions after the speech, saying "it's something we're going to try for a little while and see what happens. If after a year or so we're no better off, we'll probably switch them back."

Under the new US stance, the President and his staff will seek to increase taxes on the country of Iran and start directing heated rhetoric toward the Middle Eastern nation, vilifying it. In addition, Rich People - the official definition hasn't yet been provided, but pundits generally agree this will probably mean anyone making more than $250,000 a year - will find their bank accounts frozen and travel restricted until they agree to either transform their businesses into green energy suppliers or give all their "excess" money to charity or the US Treasury.

An administration spokesperson added "one definition of insanity is to keep trying the same thing and expecting different results. This proves we're not crazy after all."

Wall St. Occupiers Erect 'Statue of Misery'

2011-11-04T07:37:00.000-07:00

New York, NY -- The "Occupy Wall Street" activists erected a statue this past week, inspired by the US Statue of Liberty, created so "the dozens of new arrivals to this strange new land will have something to inspire them." The group is calling it the "Statue of Misery" and expressed hope that the monument would last "as long as the 'Occupy' movement itself."

One of the creators of the statue, former art student Stan Andeliver, stressed that the statue was built from recycled material. "99% of it is organic trash from around the park. This stuff has just been lying around here doing nothing for weeks, and we picked it up and used it. Let it serve now as a beacon for others."

The brief dedication ceremony consisted of an original reading by self-described 'street poet' John Languid, called "The New and Improved Colossus."

Not like that big ol' lady shivering in the sea
Welcoming legal immigrants to this unfair land,
Unfathomably thinking it better than where they left.
We have here this totally awesome new place
And this pile of stuff - vaguely human-like - but made from trash
To welcome fellow travelers to our make-believe world
Where we don't have to work
To prove our worth, or fill our stomachs.
Bring me your lazy, your selfish, your ignorant youth,
Nurtured and programmed by cynical fools.
Bring them here to live on someone else's land -
Noisy and noisome - and play pretend.
That we are grownups now and know better than those
Who came before and built this place.

CDC: Racism a Disease, DNC Has Secret Vaccine

2011-11-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

Druid Hills, GA -- The US Center for Disease Control (CDC) has revealed racism to be a disease which only humans of Caucasian ancestry can contract. This shocking announcement was made today by a CDC press release after years of speculation by conspiracy theorists worldwide.

A document from the CDC describing the findings was leaked to several media outlets in 1992, but most declined to publish it. The document, on CDC letterhead and now acknowledged as genuine, alluded to the knowledge that racism was a disease to which only white people are succeptible, caused by a virus called Fraudulus Accuzashiun. The disease is passed socially, by talking with or being around people who have it - most of whom show no symptoms and don't even realize they have it themselves. Mass gatherings, such as the Tea Party rallies of the last few years, have resulted in thousands of new infections, causing the World Health Organization to classify it as an 'outbreak' in the US.

The most controversial part of the elaborate cover was the revelation that the Democratic National Committee (DNC) funded the CDC to produce a vaccine for the disease, which has been kept secret from rank-and-file members, but distributed through beverages served at DNC events since the late 1960s. Whole states have also been inoculated, including California and Vermont, "for testing purposes" according to a high-ranking CDC official.

The late Senator Robert Byrd was one of the early test cases for the vaccine, who was a member of the KKK at a young age. He was miraculously cured after receiving the vaccine.

Other unusual programs to combat the disease include the use of racism-sniffing dogs, created by injecting German Shepherds with a serum made from the Rev. Jesse Jackson's blood. Dogs were provided to select news outlets to "aid in disease detection," according to sources.

Army Overwhelmed by DADT Recruits

2011-10-21T05:10:00.000-07:00

The Pentagon, VA -- The US Department of Defense has observed a huge increase in recruitment efforts since the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" law was repealed, allowing openly gay men and women to serve in the armed forces. Recruitment offices around the country have reportedly been "overwhelmed" with gay applicants volunteering to serve in the US Military.

"I've been a recruiter for over 10 years and I've never seen anything like this," noted a recruiting Sergeant from Indiana, who asked not to be named. "They were lined up around the corner when I came in today. Hundreds of them waiting quietly and patiently for their turn to serve their country."

He continued, "A soldier's life can be hard - dangerous and exhausting. It takes a good deal of selflessness. You sign up to possibly sacrifice your life so that others in your country can continue to enjoy the blessings of freedom. You crawl through mud. You get shot at. Homosexuals just seem a natural fit."

Sociologists and other experts in human behavior have not been as surprised, however. Dr. Stan Ramble notes, "Poll after poll has shown that many homosexuals want to serve in the military and the only thing stopping them has been DADT. Several years ago, a gay man I know told me he wanted to become an Army Ranger and had a dilemma. He either had to lie about his lifestyle or choose a different career. He really wanted to test himself to the limits of human resiliency and prove to himself that he has what it takes to become one of the best soldiers in the world, in the best military in the world. In the end, he decided on his second choice and became a hairdresser, but he has lived with regret ever since."

Wall Street Occupation Ends, Cleanup Begins

2011-10-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

New York City, NY -- Citing sanitation concerns, the Occupy Wall Street protests will be coming to an end as the New York City Police Department starts evicting the dozens of protesters that have been living in a public park for about 3 weeks. A spokesperson for the NYPD said "It's a bit like when some distant cousin comes by to stay at your house for weeks and doesn't do anything but sit around all day and make noise. At some point you just want them out - you need to repair your broken stuff and clean up the garbage and excrement everywhere."

An informal poll of the protesters by the Hell Gazette found that most participants felt "they had accomplished something, like, important" after living in tents and subsisting on handouts for 3 weeks. One young man said "I think I speak for anyone within earshot who might be awake when I say, we accomplished a lot. For one thing, we saved a lot of water by not showering for 3 weeks. That's good for the environment, right?" He went on to say it was "just like being in the Civil Rights marches of the 1960s, except without actual grievances."

Wall Street declined to be interviewed for this article, saying it was far too busy.

"Spend Like Drunken Sailors" Urges Fed

2011-10-04T08:50:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON DC -- Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke warned the US Congress to "continue to spend taxpayer money like drunken sailors" today in a speech to the Joint Economic Committee. In a speech hailed by many as "simply brilliant", he thundered to policy makers "If you stop spending money like crazy, bad economic-type stuff will happen."

When questioned later what the consequences of cutting spending would be, he responded solemnly "Really Bad Stuff: our economic models and mathematical formulas show this clearly. Congress must continue to spend lots of money we don't have, or this country is going to be in worse shape than it is now."

Aids to Mr. Bernanke expanded on his speech afterwards, citing numerous studies and research papers that support the concept. "It may seem counter-intuitive to those few people out there who actually think 'living within one's means' is good policy. It is a shame, but that kind of outmoded thinking has largely gotten us into this mess in the first place. It just shows how ignorance of modern economic theory still persists in small pockets of this country. Luckily, the rest of the world has got it figured out, so we have ample evidence to show doubters."

President's "Green Jobs" Predictions Likely True

2011-09-15T05:12:00.000-07:00

Fremont, CA -- "The future is here" President Obama bravely declared back in May of 2010 when he toured solar panel manufacturer Solyndra. Eighteen months later, the company has declared bankruptcy after accepting more than a half billion dollars of taxpayer loan guarantees. Supporters now consider that comment further proof that the President's intelligence and leadership skills rank up there with the best US Presidents.

As syndicated NY Times columnist Jan Snerk wrote in her column yesterday "Reagan had 'Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall', Kennedy had his predictions about the space race, Roosevelt had 'Day of Infamy.' Predictions like these indicate keen insight into future events based on their knowledge of the human spirit, world events, and history. Now Obama has done the same thing, predicting that the poor business sense, wishful thinking, and corruption of 'green jobs' initiatives will end in bankruptcy - perhaps even bankruptcy of this nation. I said it before and I'll say it again - he is a genius."

Supporters also note that the President's abilities don't stop with mere talk. "He backs it up with actions, too," says Obama supporter Evan McKnuckles, of Suncook, New Hampshire. "He wasn't afraid to risk our taxpayer money on a shaky business put together and owned by one of his prominent financial supporters. That shows real initiative, as far as I'm concerned. It was only a small amount, maybe a buck fifty per taxpaying household, but this is just one of his many ventures into funding green jobs. There are many more!"

Spend your way to Prosperity

2011-09-11T13:13:00.000-07:00

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Panel of Experts: Bumper Stickers Bringing Democracy to the Middle East

2011-03-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

San Francisco, CA -- Those little blue "COEXIST" bumper stickers that are frequently seen on Japanese-made cars are the real reason the Middle East has been plunged into turmoil recently as people in country after country have risen up in revolt, demanding an end to tyranny. At a conference this week near San Francisco, California, entitled "Why Would Other Countries Possibly Want to be More Like the US?", the topic was discussed at length by a panel of experts during the session called "Bumper Stickers Vs. Bullets."

The panel overwhelming agreed that the bumper stickers were the reason for the recent democratic longings in middle eastern nations, and most discussion concerned the reason why.

Dr. Elaine Waffel-Kohn, Department Chair of Anthropology at Princeton University, presented the following explanation "The logic is a little convoluted and really takes a PhD to understand completely, but I'll try to explain it in simple terms. Because of the Theory of Reciprocation, and conjoined with the well understood phenomenom of the 7 degrees of freedom, when we in this country embrace other cultures around the world, those cultures embrace us back. Even if they don't realize it. It seems counterintuitive, but by doing something towards mutual understanding here we cause other people - even someone thousands of miles away who believes we are infidels and hates us or whatever - to take a look at themselves and re-examine what they believe."

Another possible reason had to do with karmic energy and its well-documented impact on world events. As Professor William Plum, Head of Wiccan Studies at Harvard stated, "The COEXIST bumper stickers each create a small amount of karmic energy - good karmic energy. That energy then floats across the universe and causes peaceful thoughts to enter people everywhere. The more bumper stickers, the more good karma that is produced." When asked, Mr. Plum wasn't sure if the karma was produced when the bumper sticker was printed, purchased, or actually placed on the vehicle.

While the causes may not be exactly known, all participants agreed that the cause was definitely not the United State's stated policy goals of bringing hope and democracy to the parts of the world where it is lacking. As one panel participant stated when asked this question "Oh, come on. There is no doubt that there is a strong yearning for freedom and fair elections in places like Yemen, Egypt, and Libya right now. But which explanation makes more sense? That this yearning was brought about by the US toppling brutal despots and bringing some form of democracy to neighboring countries? Or - much more likely - peace-loving people everywhere proudly dispaying bumper stickers that hope for peace, love, and understanding?"

Obama Pivot Inspired by "Undercover Boss" Experience Last Year

2011-01-26T10:02:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- After viewing President Barack Obama's State of the Union address last night, pundits were struggling to understand his apparent turn to the political right. His staff revealed afterwards that the President's political outlook changed drastically after recording an episode for the popular CBS Television show "Undercover Boss" and seeing firsthand the magnitude of waste and incompetence within the US Federal Government. The show, which the network agreed not to air until after the Presidential election in 2012, has been reported to be "a real eye-opener for the American public, and the current President."

The President's Former Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, spoke to reporters about the President's experiences this past summer while taping the show. "We did not want him to do it," he noted sourly. "He's never held a real job before, and we didn't think we was ready. Plus, we were afraid if he learned how things actually work in the government he'd be a changed man. Turns out we were right - can you imagine him a year ago acknowledging the deficit as a problem?"

CBS released some details about the episode, stating that the President took three assignments as a low-level intern named "Barry King" and spent 3 months at the Environmental Protection Agency, Department of Housing and Urban Development, and Department of Education. The show's producer notes that his reactions follow "a typical pattern of response: shock and denial at first, eventual acceptance, and finally the strong desire to change. It makes for a nice show." He went on to say that there was enough material to stretch into multiple episodes, and a feature-length "reality TV movie" was being considered. He said the concept would be "equal parts Metropolis and Brazil, with elements of the Matrix, as the main character comes to realize that everything he believes is wrong."

The President made new friends while taping the show, and some have come forward with details about his astounding political transformation. Sally Whitfield, who has worked for the EPA for 27 years and currently processes oil rig drilling permits, says the experience of the President was comical to watch. "When he first started, I tried telling him to slow down, but he wouldn't listen. He kept running around here, asking 'why are there so many forms?', 'why is everything so complicated and slow?', 'why doesn't anyone seem to care?' I warned him that if kept going at that pace, he was going to make people mad. Sure enough, he did - and some of the people he needed approvals and signatures from started causing him trouble. One day - near the end of his rotation - he sits down with me and says 'Sally, instead of helping, I think we are actually making things worse.' I just laughed and told him to be happy he has a job."

Analysts on the political right offered guarded approval for the President's outlook when news of the show broke. In the words of one Heritage Foundation blogger, "although we don't expect him to turn into Ronald Reagan or anything, we hope the scales fell from his eyes because of this experience and he starts to recognize that Government really is the problem. Maybe this showed him why the US Constitution is a 'negative rights' document and why the framers sought to limit government in size and scope to the bare minimum necessary."

The White House would not confirm rumors that the President is also planning to appear on the reality show "Celebrity Apprentice" to get some real-world experience in leadership and management.

Rejected Draft SOTU Address Leaked

2011-01-25T07:10:00.000-08:00

The Hell Gazette has obtained a leaked draft of tonight's State of the Union Address. This copy was reportedly rejected by various staffers, but is reprinted in its entirety here, including hand-written edits:

Dear Comrades,
Dear Party Faithful,
Dear Fellow Americans,

As I stand before you today, I have a message of much hope and some change. It has been a tumultuous two years since I was ~~ordained~~ sworn in as your Commander in Chief.

In that time, we have acted on various crises - ~~both real and manufactured~~ - to ~~advance our cause~~ progress this country into a new century of ~~indebtedness~~ equality. Some radical elements within our republic, however, have managed to erect temporary barriers to change. I quote a great man when I say don't give up hope: 'We Shall Overcome!' While that great man fought for equality, we fight for something more than equality. ~~We fight for the fruits of other people's labor and the power to control our fellow man.~~

My legal training and experiences have taught me many things. Foremost among them is the following, the wisdom of which I now share with all of you. When one man takes another's possessions through force or trickery, that is called stealing and it is a great wrong. However, when one man takes another's possessions via duly elected representatives and taxation, that is called redistribution of wealth and it is a great right.

That goal of redistribution of wealth is our ultimate destination and one which we have worked at for nearly a century. My ~~Socialized~~ Health Care law has moved the needle significantly in that direction, and all the ~~tricks, deals, and midnight votes~~ hard work to make that happen have not been in vain.

Hopefully the coming year does not see that important work undone.

In closing, I want all Americans to be thankful that we live in this great nation. A nation where we have food, housing, and cell phones provided by the state for a huge segment of the populace. A nation where workers can choose to throw off the shackles of employment for months at a time and live comfortably while their neighbor works to pay for it. A nation where about 8% of the workers are employed directly by government - and rising. A nation that has its hands and fingers into every aspect of every citizen's life, benevolently groping us all for the greater good.

~~Most of all, a nation where all of these things are paid for by an ever decreasing number of taxpayers and an ever increasing amount of debt.~~

~~Most of all, a nation where all of these things are paid for by... someone else.~~

Most of all, a nation where we don't spend too much time thinking about how these things are paid for.

Thank you and good night.

Smithsonian Changes Course, Will Offend All Religions

2011-01-21T04:54:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- The National Portrait Gallery, a federally funded museum of the Smithsonian Institution, has abruptly reversed its decision to stop displaying portions of an artistic exhibition featuring an ant-covered crucifix. The museum now intends to expand that display and rename it "Celebrating World Religions: Sickening Images and Repulsive Ideas."

The exhibit that sparked a public outcry by denigrating a symbol of Jesus Christ, whom some Christians believe to be the savior of all mankind and the son of God, will be put back on display around April, in time for the Christian holiday of Easter.

Mr. Andre Poofley, the Curator of Offensive and Scatological Art at the Smithsonian, responded to questions about the change in direction today and stated "We're embarking on a new artistic policy and we're not kowtowing anymore to religious groups and their narrow-minded prejudices. To show how open-minded and tolerant we are in comparison, we intend to offend all the major religions." He went on to explain that the new exhibit would be going on for the rest of the year and would seek to mock and ridicule every major religion around their holy days. "Christians, Hindus, Muslims, and Buddhists - get ready to be angry!" he went on to say. Additional security measures will be in place during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, a museum official later added.

Mr. Poofley concluded the press conference with a brief tour and closing remarks, "People - non-artists - write me letters all the time saying this style of art is deliberately controversial, and that these artists are crass, attention-seeking swindlers with no talent. Well, that just isn't true. These are talented, thoughtful, and hard-working craftsman with something important to say. Anyone who sees our first tour stop is sure to be convinced of that. It is called 'partially-chewed food smeared on a white canvas.'"

Health Law "Backroom Deal" Groups Threaten Boycott of Repeal

2011-01-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

DETROIT, MI -- The United Auto Workers (UAW) have threatened to boycott the proposed repeal of the new health care law. Members of collective bargaining organizations such as the UAW were specifically exempted from the "Cadillac Tax" provision of the Health Care and Education Reconciliation Act of 2010. This exemption is one of many "special deals" included in the law that mandated that citizens purchase health care insurance or face fines.

Comments from the UAW President, Bob King, indicate that his organization isn't exactly sure what they will be boycotting, but intend to boycott with gusto, once they've figured it out. "We will definitely boycott the repeal if it is passed. We're working on the details still, but we think that means we will continue to buy health care insurance even though the law forcing us to has been repealed. Or, it might mean we will now buy more health care insurance because the Federal Government is no longer telling us we must buy it. Also, with regards to the 'Cadillac Tax' of 40% on premium, high-priced health care insurance - to which we've been given special treatment and don't have to pay - we think we will pay that if the law saying we don't have to is repealed. ...wait, that's not right. As I stated previously - we are still figuring out what we will boycott and which parts we won't." King's office later admitted that "working this all out will be pretty tough since the law is over a thousand pages long and extremely complex."

Other parties that benefited from back room deals are considering fighting back against the proposed repeal as well. For example, several of the more than 200 businesses and organizations that have been granted waivers to the law are also considering a similar boycott. As a representative from Aetna insurance stated, "You pay good money to your congress-person's campaign fund - or promise votes, if you are one of the unions - to get special exceptions to laws that everyone else has to live by and you think you've got a deal. Next thing you know, the next congress comes along and thinks they can alter the deal or repeal it. It just isn't fair."

Sharpton Opposes Haitians Adopted by "Crackers"

2011-01-14T05:18:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- One year after the tiny island nation of Haiti was devastated by an earthquake, the prominent Civil Rights hero Reverend Al Sharpton is speaking out against the more than 1,100 Haitian orphans that have been adopted by "Crackers all over the country."

"It is wrong for these once-proud black children raised honorably in poverty by our black cousins to now become a part of Whitey's machine. They are being brainwashed by their adoptive families that this country is one that provides opportunity and openness to all of God's children. My black brothers and sisters know that is not true," Reverend Sharpton was quoted as saying as he stepped from one of the 7 black limousines containing his privately-funded entourage and security detail to speak on the steps of the Capital.

Many of the adopted children have shown a remarkable resiliency and are now thriving despite the tragedy and horror they have been through. Some experts believe a stable and safe home, good nutrition, and a loving family could be contributing factors to these successes. When asked about this point, Rev. Sharpton seemed bewildered by the concept, but replied eventually "don't believe everything you read."

Rev. Sharpton proposed a two-part solution whereby Haitian children would be placed with black welfare families. This solution, he said, "would get them away from The Man and also bring more income to the black community in the form of welfare dollars." In addition, he demanded that the Federal Government provide money to his National Action Network organization, equal to the amount it currently owes in back-taxes.

"Extra-Constitutional Bubble" Around Lawmakers Proposed

2011-01-12T10:14:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- As the nation recovers from the recent shooting of a Congresswoman in Arizona, Representative Peter King (R-NY) is trying to do something to prevent future attacks. He is interested in banning firearms within 1000 ft. of high-ranking government officials.

Rep. King admitted that this bill violates the 2nd amendment to the Constitution, but added "We are looking into a 1000 ft. area around lawmakers where the constitution just wouldn't apply at all. No Amendments; No 'We The People' - nothing. None of that stuff would matter within our 1000 ft. spheres." When asked whether that would mean nearly all of Capital Hill would exist inside this "extra-constitutional bubble", he responded angrily "What's the difference? We've been operating that way for decades!"

The proposal has the backing of a significant number in Congress and the President, many of whom have assumed the bill will pass and are now working on the implementation. One congressional aid provided details about a proposed "entourage" that would follow all high-ranking Federal lawmakers around to make measurements when a constitutional call needed to made "near the boundaries." "We see a small team being a good solution, like the chain gangs they have at football games," noted the senior staffer. "Perhaps the measurement team should consist of a member from each branch of government - that sounds like something the Founding Fathers could have written," the aid added thoughtfully.

A spokesperson for President Obama related the President's anticipation of signing the bill into law "so all of us here can live in this bubble - happily protected and busy working on the important issues of the day."

AZ Shooter "Claimed" by the Left

2011-01-11T09:35:00.000-08:00

TUCSON, AZ -- Although originally charged with being part of the "vast right wing conspiracy" by the media following his shooting rampage in Arizona on January 8th, 2011, suspected murderer Jared Lee Loughner has since been "claimed" by left-wing organizations who now are attempting to portray him in a slightly different light.

A representative of the Democratic party who asked not to be named said "Immediately after it happened, we just assumed he was a right-winger. I mean, here you have this skin-head looking guy gunning down a House Rep with 'D' after her name. At that point, who would have been shocked if the guy worked for Halliburton or BP and had his KKK membership card in his pocket, right? For us, that means attack, attack, attack the usual suspects; Glenn Beck, Rush, Sarah Palin - standard operating procedure, right? Unfortunately, it turns out he is pot-smoking loser who reads the Communist Manifesto and has all sorts of strange and incoherent beliefs. We had no choice but to claim him as one of our own." The University of Alabama shooter last year, Amy Bishop, was similarly "claimed" last year by the political far left.

Many prominent left-leaning organizations are busy providing possible defenses against accusations that they incited Mr. Loughner to perform this horrible act. The Green Party was the first, providing the following statement on Monday, "We are shocked and saddened by the horrific acts of last Saturday. However, we have strong reason to believe the act was performed in error and Mr. Loughner was actually aiming for the non-organically grown vegetables in aisle 12. A few humans were unfortunately caught in the crossfire."

Koran-burning On Hold as Pastor Negotiates End to People Burning

2010-09-10T06:29:00.000-07:00

GAINESVILLE, FL -- Pastor Terry Jones of the Dove Outreach Center has decided to suspend "International Burn a Koran Day" scheduled for this Saturday, September 11. This event was to consist of the burning of various Islamic Holy texts, including the Koran, Hadith, and 'Bomb-making for Dummies' in protest of the Muslim faith's occasional transgressions in the use of terror attacks.

The about-face reportedly occurred because Rev. Jones has been working with various parties in the Middle East region to suspend the daily occurrence of similar burning activities in Muslim countries. At a press conference, Rev. Jones stated "We've been in serious negotiations with officials from the Religion of Peace to end the burning and murder of Christians living in a few Muslim countries such as Afghanistan, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Palestine, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Somalia, Nigeria, Indonesia, Chechnya, Turkey, excuse me while I take a short break - I'm getting up there in age and don't have the stamina that I used to. Whew! At any rate, in exchange, we've agreed to not burn those books, as originally planned. Anyone interested in buying 15 gently used Islamic holy books?"

The small Florida church never expected the controversy around the planned Koran-burning event and has been under considerable pressure from a variety of "interested parties" on both sides of the issue. These parties range from the current US President to the immense global company EZBurn Ltd, maker and distributor of flammable American flags and Bibles throughout the world.

Army Moves Away From Outdated Concept of "Fighting" Enemy

2010-08-09T14:39:00.000-07:00

FORWARD OPERATING BASE BRAVO, AFGHANISTAN -- "The new way to fight the enemy on the battlefield is to not shoot at them. Especially an enemy that doesn't follow the traditional rules of warfare, which are intended to limit civilian deaths." These are words from a high-ranking NATO commander discussing the proposal to award a "courageous restraint" medal to soldiers who don't fight the enemy when it could harm a civilian, property, or livestock. She went on to explain that "in the past, we fought the enemy by finding them and killing them. The new way is to 'kill' them with kindness. This new medal for restraint during combat will reward our nicest soldiers out there. Our computer models indicate this method will win the war eventually."

US Officials are confident that this new strategy will be effective in beating a zealous, determined enemy. They note that the enemy's strategy is at odds with Western sensitivities and will eventually be their downfall, once news outlets start reporting it. They cite several examples of the "really mean-spirited" campaign enemy soldiers have been waging for years in Afghanistan: wearing no uniform, deliberately targeting innocent civilians, hiding amongst the regular population, and cash awards for combatants who kill civilians.

In closing the NATO Commander noted that "Our new US Army is part of the Peace and Love plan that we just know will convince the enemy what nice people we are and make them lay down their arms. I'm convinced of it and I know our Commander-In-Chief is, too."

NASA to Work With Muslim Nations on "Space Stuff"

2010-07-20T19:03:00.000-07:00

"NASA is used to working in dangerous, extreme environments. We think that is why the President wants us to start working with Muslim nations," said NASA Administrator Charles Bolden, clarifying an Al Jazeera interview he gave three weeks ago where he revealed NASA's new direction.

The region of the Middle East, whose last major contribution to the world's scientific advancement was the abacus in approximately 2700 BC, is not usually thought of as an effective partner for scientific endeavors. Nonetheless, President Obama has ordered NASA to partner with Muslim nations on space travel and make Muslim "outreach" their main focus, with a "close second" being space travel and exploration.

Following the news of NASA's new goals, Paramount executives released details of a new science fiction show entitled "Star Trek: Journey to the Middle East" which depicts highly trained officers from the elite NASA Peace Corps Academy traveling to where "no civilized man has gone before." They dodge strange and illogical creatures intent on destroying them, while trying to provide food, clothing, and medicines.

White House Kicks Off "Everyone is a Czar" Program

2010-06-29T05:59:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- The President's staff kicked off the new "Everyone is Czar" program this week at a White House Rose Garden celebration. "We're telling everyone without a job to come here to Washington and become a Czar," said the program's coordinator, Michelle Slushy.

The initiative is targeted at people that have run out of unemployment benefits, which staffers say initially made the program difficult to run. "The administration has wanted this program from day one. Unfortunately, we were originally in conflict with the unemployment program. Every time we'd try to start the 'Everyone is a Czar' program, they'd extend the amount of time someone can receive unemployment benefits. Someone getting paid to do nothing is not going to be interested in the possibility of having to work, even if they do get a prestigious title like 'Czar'," the staffer noted, with a laugh.

"So we decided to coordinate with them - make lemons out of lemonade. You can stay on unemployment for 18 months, then - as a reward - you have the option to roll over into a Czar job. We choose what you are Czar of from the dictionary, starting with Aardvark. We are currently interviewing for Carp Czar."

Supreme Court Rules Against Aiding Terrorists

2010-06-22T05:09:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- "This is an outrage. They have undermined my freedom to support murderers and thugs. Next, they'll rule you aren't allowed to send money and gifts to convicted felons in prison," says Patricia McFlem-Sahid incredulously, as she shakes her tiny fists.

She is the wife of Assan Sahid, who is being held in a Federal Penitentiary on weapons charges related to an attempt to murder bartenders at Martha's Vineyard in late 2008. Mrs. McFlem-Sahid was reacting to the Supreme Court decision this week that prevents US Citizens from providing material support to terrorists and terrorist organizations. "They threw the book at my husband and locked him up for life without parole, and I now can't even send money to his family and business partners in Gaza."

A spokesperson for the Obama administration admitted that they see this decision as a setback to their policy of peaceful cohabitation with terrorists, and are considering ways to make the best of a bad situation. An unnamed aid stated "One way being considered is to take a long, hard look at the list of terrorist organizations. We've been making the case that these Tea Party folks and other rabid right-wingers should be on the list since 'Big B' took office. By the same token, some groups on the list should probably be taken off - peaceful but misunderstood organizations like The Al-Shazam Jew-killers Brigade, for instance. Their humanitarian wing teaches young Syrians how to play bingo - what could more peaceful than that?"

Congress Mulls Mandating More Private Company Hiring

2010-06-04T09:03:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- As the US Labor Department released payroll figures today showing payrolls up 431,000 in May, the revelation that 95% of these were temporary census workers has caused Congress to consider ways to help the private sector "catch up" on the significant hiring and spending that the Government has been doing. The front runner is a bill from Senator Joe Skwerly (D-NY) which would make all privately-held companies hire 7% more employees before November of this year.

Mr. Skwerly noted at a press conference "We've tried everything else we could think of to 'prime the pump' on private industry hiring. More regulations, more taxes, more government debt, more oversight - nothing seems to be working. At this point, we're done messing around - we'll just make it law. Problem solved."

Many in Congress and the press applauded Mr. Skwerly's "strong and effective" approach to the problem and it is rumored he may seek the Democratic Presidential nomination in 2012 as "a man who can get things done." The John Maynard Keynes Economics Chair at Columbia University, Dr. Martin Dunse, noted "If I were advising the President, I'd suggest a two-pronged approach: hire more census workers - since anyone hired at least 1 hour per month counts as a new hire - and push for implementation of Senator Skwerly's brilliant and far-sighted plan."

Victims of English Gunman to be Charged With Ammo Possession

2010-06-02T09:12:00.000-07:00

CUMBRIA, ENGLAND -- Wounded survivors of a gunman in Southern England will be formally charged with firearm violations for possessing ammunition. "Evidence that these people possess banned ammunition is being removed from many of their bodies as we speak," said the Assistant to the Deputy Chief Constable, Ian Wright. The gunman apparently killed himself after the crimes and "will therefore not be charged with various firearm and ammunition possession charges," he continued "but we're fairly certain he broke a lot of laws and would have been in big trouble."

Gun control experts at the non-partisan think-thank Ban Firearms Now (BFN) were quick to note how well the laws worked in England and lamented that the US still "clings" to gun ownership, despite multiple high-profile shootings. "The UK banned private gun ownership for all law-abiding citizens after just two high profile shootings in a 10 year time span that claimed a total of 32 lives. Where is it written that we can't do the same here in the US? If you look only at the number of celebrities we've lost from gun violence over the years, it adds up to more than 32."

The gun control debate in the US is similar to the debate in England over the banning of passenger flights after the Lockerbie airline bombing in 1988 killed 270 people. Conservatives pushed for the punishment of terrorists and terrorism, but many others thought it better to ban commercial flying instead. Historian Ian Parker at the University of Cambridge has studied the issue and noted "The proposed ban on flying for the general public did not pass that year, but the bill is still under consideration, 20 years later. This issue opens up again every time there is a tragedy in the air - we can point to that and say 'If we had only banned flying, this would not have happened.' It makes sense to me, but I suppose we need to keep educating people."

NYT Files FOIA Request for President's Golf Scores

2010-05-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

OAK BLUFFS, MA -- Despite promises to be the most "open and transparent" administration in history during the campaign, the Obama administration has not been allowing reporters near the President when he is golfing. Wild speculation about his scores and scorekeeping has been keeping world economies jittery for the past 15 months or so.

The New York Times finally decided to file a Freedom of Information Act request on behalf of "concerned world citizens everywhere" to get the White House to release all of the Presidents golf scores since entering
office in January, 2009.

"'We The People' need to know," said a lawyer representing the New York Times. "It is about accountability and also about honesty - how can we trust a person if we don't know how they golf? Kim Jong-Il released his golf scores, why can't the leader of the Free World?"

Feds Start Helping With Oil Spill, Add Paperwork and Taxes

2010-05-25T06:31:00.000-07:00

BARATARIA BAY, LA -- Since the British Petroleum oil rig explosion occurred on April 20, spilling oil into the Gulf of Mexico, critics have been charging that the government hasn't been doing enough. Government officials have fired back by noting three areas that the Federal Government has been using its wealth of expertise and manpower to help out: taxation, regulation, and grandstanding.

Congress is working on a bill tentatively called the "Oil Spill Prevention Act." The legislation hasn't been released to the public for comment yet, but a person familiar with the proposal said "We have been working at warp speed, trying to get this bill passed as quickly as can be, before any more accidents happen. We worked so quickly, we haven't even had a chance yet to put together a catchy name or acronym for the bill." The legislation will rely on the time-tested truism first spoken by Daniel Webster that "the power to tax is the power to destroy", and will therefore levy huge taxes against oil spills in the future in hopes of preventing them altogether. If successful, there are future plans to have similar taxes for airplane crashes and car accidents.

The Environmental Protection Agency has been contributing to the cleanup by overseeing and offering advice. "We're going to do everything we know how to do" explained Milford Pilfer, moments before his helicopter took off to survey the oil spill in a 2 hour sightseeing trip that cost about $80,000 in fuel and personnel costs. Upon his return, Mr. Pilfer appeared rejuvenated and reportedly had "dozens of new regulations in mind."

In addition, the President's staff has reported that Obama wanted to go to the gulf region and personally "organize some communities down there" but was convinced to stay in Washington instead. "The President is going to be digging in - figuratively, of course - by appointing committees and investigations. The hope is that by giving the cleanup crews and companies involved more problems to deal with, it will speed things up and make the cleanup more successful. We'd like to replicate the successes of Federal involvement with the Hurricane Katrina cleanup."

Dead Crime Victims Protest Supreme Court Decision

2010-05-18T14:27:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Supreme Court ruling this week that prevents juvenile offenders from receiving life-without-parole sentences has generated controversy, as a large group of dead crime victims rose from their graves and mounted a somber protest on the steps of the Supreme Court Building.

While the Supreme Court decision specifically applied only to crimes short of homicide, dead victim Shelly Wallfield of Ohio, noted "My killer was convicted as a youth twice for armed robbery and attempted murder. Had he been locked up at age 17 for life, he never would have killed me when he was 25. He'd still be rotting in jail. Instead, I've been rotting in my grave, as you can plainly see", displaying gruesome wounds and her rotting flesh, evidence of being dead and buried for the last 14 months. She added "The Supreme Court just doesn't get it. The ones that voted in favor of this resolution should try being dead for a while before they make any more stupid decisions like that. We tried to get a few of the dead, former Supreme Court Justices to come help us plead our case, but nearly all said they made rulings based on what the US Constitution says and what the framers intended. Since that is out of fashion these days, they didn't think they could help us much."

Other dead protesters echoed Shelly's sentiments, with one saying "The point we're trying to make is these kids have no conscience. Letting them back into society is a bad idea, and isn't fair to those innocent souls out there who are that kid's next victim. I was killed by a repeat offender, who had been been in and out of jail since he was about 14. No one held a gun to his head and made him hold a gun to my head: he made that choice all by himself. Now my wife has no husband and my kids have no dad. Does that sound 'cruel and unusual' to you?"

CDC Worried About Islam / Mental Ilness Link

2010-05-10T04:34:00.000-07:00

ATLANTA, GA -- "My first thought when hearing about the Times Square bomber, was 'No - not another one!'" says Dr. Jackson "Jack" Ath, the principle investigator tracking the strange link between "lone wolf" homicidal criminals and the Muslim faith. "This disease - whatever it is - has claimed another. Luckily for us all, the poor man didn't harm anyone this time, but it is still yet another troubling sign of the pervasiveness of this illness."

Dr. Ath and his colleagues at The World Health Organization have been tracking and studying this unusual correlation since about January 2009. "We're not sure what the cause is exactly," he explains. "It could be related to diet; a lack of pork or the fasting that occurs during Ramadan. Perhaps it has something to do with facing East more often than the general population. It is possible dogs provide some sort of immunity from this illness in addition to being 'man's best friend.' We really don't have an answer at this time, but we are committed to finding it before another person succumbs to this dreaded affliction."

The only information they have is that the disease causes some form of mental illness that makes individuals want to commit random murder and property damage. They usually try to kill as many people as possible and meticulously plan their crimes for weeks or months. Three prominent cases have been in the news the last year, first the "Ft. Hood Shooter", then the "Christmas Day Bomber" and now the "Times Square Bomber." In every case, the perpetrator of these unusual crimes acted alone and happened to also be an active member of the peaceful Muslim faith. No motive has been found in any of the cases, but the investigations are all still pending.

Dr. Ath has tracked cases of the disease as far back as the 1970s. "I just hope we find the cause, and then a cure," he concludes. "Our data shows that the instances of it happening are increasing every year. If this goes on much longer or one of these isolated individuals successfully commits a mass murder, it might make people think badly of zealous Muslims. Muslims might start to get treated differently than everyone else, purely based on their religious views. That would probably be the most tragic result of all."

Lawyers Propose New Category Between "Legal" and "Illegal"

2010-05-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

The group Justice Enhancement by Reducing Criminality has proposed a new category between "Legal" and "Illegal" stating the dividing line between the two is currently "too harsh" and should be made more gentle. Their solution creates a new legal status called "Technically Illegal, But For Good Reason" which would apply whenever someone commits a crime for "noble reasons", including helping children, combating racism and injustice, or saving the earth.

The not-for-profit organization, made up primarily of trial lawyers, states its mission as "Protecting the underprivileged by suing big companies with deep pockets." The Hell Gazette managed a brief interview with the CEO of this organization, Lawrence Bernstein, as he stepped off one of his Lear jets last week.

HG: Please sum up for our readers why you feel this move is necessary.
LB: Our goal is to make justice a little less blind. Too many times in this country, the "little guy" has no control over his life. Sometimes he commits crimes, but those so-called crimes are really a plea for help. Why should someone be punished for trying to lead a selfless, noble life? Think of Robin Hood: it should not be against the law to rob fat-cat bankers or CEOs of profit-producing companies. Currently, the only option we have is to sue when people are unjustly accused of crimes. Our organization is interested in changing the law itself so people accused of such things as robbery and murder can't be charged if they can prove they were doing it for the Greater Good or to help others less fortunate. Like using the temporary insanity defense in a criminal trial: it is a game changer.
HG: How has your campaign been going so far?
LB: Honestly? Not very well so far. But the party currently in power has been very open and receptive to the idea, provided it will, uh, benefit their members. We've had several highly successful meetings over lunch and at parties to help spread our message.
HG: A review of your finances shows you have been donating to the campaigns of judges in key positions. Is it related to this current effort?
LB: Yes it is. Well, actually it is related to most of what we call our 'charitable litigation' work.

NBA To Support Illegal Immigration with Spanish-speaking Referees

2010-05-05T10:47:00.000-07:00

PHOENIX, AZ -- As the Phoenix Suns prepare to support "multiculturalism and illegal immigration" by wearing jerseys saying "Los Suns" on them today, the NBA has decided to take the concept one step further by implementing "all Spanish" refereeing until the Arizona immigration enforcement law is repealed. The idea, according to a NBA official involved in the project, is to "make people wake up and realize where this nation is heading" by having the referees speak exclusively Spanish to coaches, players, and the crowd during games. A secondary effect will be to force fans and players to "brush up on their Spanish, if they want to know what's going on", according to the official. The television networks will likely add subtitles to televised basketball games.

NBA players, many of whom hold Associate Degrees in Political Science from colleges with strong basketball programs, are well-informed about immigration issues and occasionally consulted as experts by the President's staff. Suns guard Steve Nash had this to say, "The issue of immigration is very complex. On one hand you having people sneaking into this country illegally, and Arizona is interested in enforcing the laws that prevent that. On the other hand, you have people like us that say 'Stop! Enforcing laws might offend someone!'" He went on to say that he had several small colonies of squatters living on his land and he loved having them there. Not only is it very difficult to have them removed from his land, "he wouldn't want them to leave anyway."

Another NBA idea that has met some resistance from players is to switch the payment systems from American Dollars to Mexican Pesos, which, according to league officials "is legitimate currency the world over."

Middle-aged White Men Breathe Easy As Likely "Times Square Bomber" Caught

2010-05-04T04:58:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Middle aged white men around the country relaxed this morning as they realized they wouldn't be living under a cloud of suspicion any longer regarding the failed Times Square bombing earlier this week. In an unlikely turn of events, an American of Pakistani descent, Faisal Shahzad, was apprehended at JFK airport as he tried to escape the country and is now the prime suspect in the crime. Initial descriptions of the attacker as a "middle aged white man" had immediately put the middle aged white man community on edge.

"It still gets to you, you know?" said one man, who asked that his name not be used for fear of retribution. "Every time there is a crime or something happens, people immediately start blaming us. You learn to just ignore the glares and the quiet comments. Police harassment, children pointing and huddling closer to their mothers, the occasional outburst and threats - I take things day by day. I have been pulled over several times since the description of the bomber came out. I just chalked it up to 'driving while white and middle-aged.' Most of us are used to it by now."

Experts say middle aged white guys are responsible for nearly every horrible thing in America's past and present, and constant reminders of this on television and in the press have stirred up resentment among the general populace. Prof. Mary Dunkley of the University of Vermont and State Agricultural College, a noted expert on these matters, remarked "Look at their track record: capitalism, Enron, the Titanic, the Trail of Tears, game shows, the boy band 'O-town' - need I go on? Put simply: if it is bad, it was probably caused by a middle aged white guy."

UPDATE: Islam NOT Offended by Cartoon

2010-04-27T05:41:00.000-07:00

Editor's note: The following article has been updated with breaking news, noted throughout by bold and ~~strike-through~~ text as an aid for readers who may have read the previous version of the article, which was released before final editing.
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- The religion of Islam has not been offended for the fourth time in recent decades, as Comedy Central's hit show South Park will ~~show a cartoon depiction of Mohammed~~ ~~allow characters in the show to talk about Mohammed~~ air a new episode that was originally to contain something that might have referenced Mohammed.

This would have marked ~~marks~~ the fourth time that Islam has been offended since the 1970s, the previous being the novel The Satanic Verses, the movie Submission, and a political cartoon depicting Mohammed shown with a bomb in his turban. All previous offenses resulted in the murder or attempted murder of the offenders.

The edgy ~~controversial~~ adult cartoon South Park previously agreed to self-censor itself in 2006 by not showing Mohammed's cartoon image as originally planned. This time, again ~~however~~, ~~the show's creators prevailed and~~ Comedy Central bravely ~~decided~~ declined to allow Mohammed to be discussed on the show as a part of an organized religion "three-fer" insult. During the episode, Christianity is insulted, then Buddhism~~, then Islam~~ in a comedic ~~triple-play~~ double-play.

Free speech enthusiasts throughout the United States and around the world applauded the courage of the network to stand up to bullying by free speech enthusiasts ~~Islamists, and noted that this could be the start of a change in Western popular culture, which currently treats Islam differently when it comes to censorship by giving in to all threats~~. Award-winning journalist Jon Stewart, also of Comedy Central, noted with pride ~~"this is similar to Winston Churchill finally standing up to the Nazis during World War II - I am proud to be a part of this network."~~ "This is similar to how Neville Chamberlain wisely chose to allow Nazi Germany a few limited concessions prior to World War II, which nearly spared the world a horrific war. I am proud to be a part of this network."

AZ Law Makes Illegal Acts "More Illegal"

2010-04-26T04:57:00.000-07:00

Phoenix, AZ -- The Arizona legislature decided two weeks ago to make it illegal to enter the US illegally. The new laws are intended to enforce the laws which already exist in this country making it illegal to cross the Federal border from other countries without following the proper channels. It is estimated that millions of Mexican citizens have entered this country illegally over the past 10 years, presenting a growing burden of entitlements and social services, as well increasing the crime problem in various southern parts of the country.

The Arizona measure was met with two opposing protests. The new enforcement policies are strongly supported by the group "Legal Immigrants for Border Enforcement" which consists of hundreds of thousands of legal immigrants that entered this country from India, China, Poland, and about thirty other countries. A member of the group had strong opinions about the Arizona laws and expressed them forcefully "All of us came here with respect for our new country - the nation of freedom, justice, and opportunity. We learned the language of our new land, and followed the sometimes painful immigration laws to the letter. For nearly all of us, that meant years on waiting lists, appointments and interviews with immigration officials and often thousands of dollars spent on consultations with immigrations lawyers. It is wrong that folks from other countries think it is ok to walk in and then expect Americans like us to not be angry about it."

The second group called itself "Immigrants Against Racist and Unjust Gringo Policy." An unofficial IARUGP spokesperson stated "These laws are unjust and racist. The reason we left Mexico is because drug cartels are taking over there. There is no rule of law, there is no order and people just do what they want without regard to anyone else. Killings, robbery, kidnappings - you name it. So we come here to this racist, unjust country and we see a different world. We like that everyone else here obeys the law. Our first act on arriving here is to disobey the laws against entering the country. Then many of us work illegally or try to get forged paperwork and get on welfare. We love this unjust, racist country!"

Palin-phobia Is a Real Disease

2010-04-23T09:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Circenses,

I want to alert the general public about an epidemic that is afflicting this nation. Your Hell Gazette seems a suitable venue for this warning. Your readers are generally smarter and better-informed than the average citizen, and I'm hoping they than help me spread the word about this disease before it is too late.
The disease I refer to is called "Palin-phobia." It is the fear and loathing of anything having to with Sarah Palin. The symptoms of this disease are a strong urge to write and say irrational things when you even hear her name mentioned. If you read any article about her, you will see the afflicted writing comments about the story that don't make sense, and are usually just a clumsy attack against her intelligence.

I've been studying the disease since late 2008 and have determined that the primary symptom above is often accompanied by feelings of paranoia and isolation. It seems to be closely related to the disease I wrote about several years back called "Foxnews-phobia." At this time, I know of no cure and both diseases are quite serious, often resulting in dementia and the loss of most cognitive ability.

If enough folks begin to recognize it as a medical condition, perhaps we can go beyond just laughing at the afflicted and actually finding effective treatments for those that can still be saved.

Sincerely,
Gregory L. Remington, MD

Congressman Claims He Was "Uh, Lynched"

2010-04-20T04:52:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- Following the scandalous possible but unverified use of a racial slur weeks ago by an unknown person in a crowd who may or may not have been associated with the Tea Party movement, one of the Congressman involved has come forward with the revelation that he also was lynched. "I was walking to the Capital to vote and a large mob appeared all around me. I was called names, and spit upon. Then I was kicked and punched, then, uh, lynched and murdered," said Rep. Emanuel Cleaver of Missouri. After questions regarding the lack of physical evidence or any recording of the incident, he added "I got better."

Although no proof of these allegations has yet been found, most reporters have deemed the story credible and have been trumpeting the accusations. As one reporter from the New York Times noted, "Who are you going to believe? An honest politician who has nothing to gain from these accusations, or a bunch of rabble who have nothing better to do than stand outside all day and shout things at our duly elected officials? Besides, this is racism we are talking about here - the worst of all possible things."

"This controversy has eroded what little support the Tea Party movement had in this country and promises to finally break up the disorganized group" says a well-known nightly news anchor who declined to be named. She went on to say "the Tea Party will never resonate with the people of this country, because it is based upon the principles of constitutional limits of government power and personal freedom. We the People don't believe in any of that stuff."

Anti-Tea Party Teacher Came From Long Line of Anti-Freedom Activists

2010-04-16T05:46:00.000-07:00

BEAVERTON, OR -- Middle school teacher and anti-Tea Party infiltrator Jason Levin is descendant from a long, proud line of "freedom haters" say friends. Levin has generated national fame because of his website, which encourages fellow activists to try to embarrass and disrupt the "Tea Party" movement.

"He said he really hated that Tea Party people were taking the time and energy to be heard and present their political views. He said it was the duty of citizens to try to silence peaceable assembly and free expression by any means possible: subterfuge, lying, deception, whatever," said an acquaintance of Mr. Levin, who asked not be named out of fear of retaliation. "He kept going on and on about how Tea Partiers shouldn't be allowed to carry signs, chant things, and stand up for what they believe in - only aggrieved minorities had that right. I tried to point out - politely, of course, as he is the type that will key your car in the middle of the night - that these were concerned taxpayers. Since people who actually pay federal taxes are now a minority in this country, shouldn't they be allowed to have their opinions? He said no way."

The Hell Gazette has determined that Mr. Levin is a direct descendant of at least two other historical anti-freedom agitators. The first was a devoted Tory named Thaddeus Levin, who lived during the American Revolution and tried to infiltrate the original Boston Tea Party group and prevent or disrupt the gathering. He was discovered and run out of town, according to newspapers accounts.

The second was John Levin who joined the Civil Rights March on Washington in 1963 with the intent to embarrass the organizers by wearing blackface and carrying a sign with the deliberately misspelled message "We Needs Mo Freedum." He was turned away from the march once the plans were discovered.

Happy Tax Day

2010-04-15T04:57:00.000-07:00

Happy Tax Day
(to the half of the nation that still pays taxes)

The Hell Gazette would like to encourage everyone to wear red today in solidarity with how our government is run: "in the red."

And remember to keep those checks coming, not that you really have a choice.

Thousands of lobbyists and politicians are relying on your dollars!

Va. Guv Wanted to Avoid Embarrassing "The Party of Slavery"

2010-04-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

RICHMOND, VA -- Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell recently revived the practice of celebrating Confederate History Month, but was quickly embroiled in controversy because the proclamation did not include any reference to slavery. The Governor later issued an apology for the omission, stating "I did this because I did not want to embarrass my Democratic colleagues, as theirs was formerly the party of slavery. That is, they are the ones that fought since the beginning of the republic to not only perpetuate slavery, but also extend it to the border states prior to the Civil War. These actions were directly responsible for the war, in which over 500,000 white citizens died in a struggle to eradicate the institution of slavery in America."

At a press conference about the issue, he continued, "As a member of the party of Abraham Lincoln, I just didn't want to bring it up and remind folks that the Democrats were not only supporters of slavery but also actively opposed civil rights legislation and integration during the 1960s. We figured it was just better to leave that whole issue alone, rather than embarrass people. My intent was only to honor the part of the Civil War struggle that dealt with what many people still feel is a state's legitimate right to secede from the union."

State Dept Updates Request From "Please" to "Pretty Please"

2010-04-13T04:56:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- At this week's Nuclear Security Summit, the US State Department has officially upgraded their request that countries not supply weapons and support to terrorists from "Please" to "Pretty Please." Obama declined to authorize "Pretty Please With a Cherry On Top," saying "we're waiting to see how this approach works." Iran and North Korea, referred to by the current President as the "axis of peace and prosperity", are two of the nations that the State Department has directed this tough action against.

A State Department staff member was quoted as saying "our pleading is going to get stronger and more forceful until we get what we want. History has shown that dictators and strongmen can't be reasoned with very well, but respond favorably when nations debase themselves and beg a little. This President isn't afraid to bow down to these guys if it gets results." The staffer added hastily, "we're expecting results any day now."

Tough Year for Corruption

2010-04-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- The National Association for the Promotion of Corruption (NAPC) has given its stamp of approval to the Obama administration. This little known, but well-funded organization has been quietly advancing the cause of corruption in public office for about 80 years.

"All in all, it's been a tough year for corruption," said NAPC President Donald Swill. "We lost some real stalwarts in Congress; first Kennedy, then Murtha. These folks were giants of corruption: people that are difficult to replace. In addition, Rangel lost his Chairmanship and ACORN lost its funding. These are setbacks for corrupt behavior. Luckily, we see a lot of promise in the Obama administration."

He went on to cite examples of shady behavior that he called the "bright spots" of last year. "The TARP funds come to mind - the audacity to borrow trillions and then funnel it to friends and allies. This was a beacon of hope for those of us who value immoral behavior. Then the various efforts at propaganda, from delivering messages directly to classrooms to the whole Ellie White thing. We feel this is an administration that really thinks about duping its citizens in some new and innovative ways."

Mr. Swill's biggest regret is the loss of of Ted Kennedy. "I could go on and on about Teddy, but suffice to say he won the MCP [Most Corrupt Politician] a record 8 times in the last 30 years. That is our highest award, and every year there is pretty fierce competition for it. We're considering honoring his legacy by creating a new award: The Ted Kennedy Lifetime Achievement Award. An award like this will inspire the next generation of politicians to dig deep into themselves - and the taxpayer's pockets - to lie, cheat, steal, and break laws to benefit themselves and their friends."

Despite periodic setbacks, Mr. Swill has never lost hope about the future of corruption in America. "While I think it will be many years before we reach the levels of Mexico or China, I think we as a nation are definitely headed that way. More nationalization of private industry would help, as would the continued decay of individual rights. Overall, I have a lot of hope that change is on its way for this country."

Pope Declares Holy War on Islam

2010-04-08T05:22:00.000-07:00

VATICAN CITY -- The leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI, has officially declared Holy War on the religion of Islam, reciprocating Islam's war declaration 800 years ago.

This act by the Catholic church marks the first counter-declaration of war by one of the many foes of Islam. The embattled religion is currently engaged in a many-fronted conflict with Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, democracy, civilization, the scientific method, cartoons, movies, running water and electricity, and women's fashions. The war on women's fashion is reportedly the only one currently doing well, with halter tops and high heels pushed back and in retreat everywhere.

The Catholic Church's plans and broader strategy for the war have not been released, but speculation by experts is that they plan to stop "turning the other cheek" when attacked by jihadists and will instead start to protect themselves and organize to retake lost territory. Their hope is that they can return the middle east to its former Christian status before Muslim invaders conquered the region, resulting in the systematic murder and forcible conversion of the Christians and Hindus dwelling there during the interceding centuries.

CBO To Take Magic Show on the Road

2010-04-05T07:56:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- After the Congressional Budget Office's amazing trick last month of showing that health care reform is actually going to reduce the deficit by $1.3 trillion in 20 years, they have decided to take their magic show on the road and may be appearing in a town near you soon. So far, the show called "Barack Obama's Greatest Magic Show on Earth" has booked venues in at least 7 major cities around the country and plans are being made to add at least 12 more, with the eventual goal of playing in "all 57 states."

The idea behind the show started when the CBO estimates for the cost of Socialized Health Care showed - after a brief drum roll - that the program would actually reduce the deficit, instead of adding hundreds of billions to it as every other large government entitlement program has done. This performance caused such amazement and delight from taxpayers around the nation, that the President decided everyone should have the opportunity to see the show live "under the big tent, where folks can really appreciate it."

The show involves a high-wire act by the President himself, trained animals jumping through the "hoop of flaming greenbacks", music, dancing, and a general circus-like spectacle. Congress will be supplying plenty of clowns for comic relief. The highlight of the show will be the CBO's magic act, where they will create billions of dollars out of thin air and other impossible feats.

Another crowd favorite is where the President picks one "rich guy" from the audience, asks to see his wallet, then makes all the money inside vanish without a trace.

UK Group Offers to Swap Health Care Systems With US

2010-04-01T04:54:00.000-07:00

LONDON, ENGLAND --- Nigel Blakely is the head of the UK group "Trade the National Health Now." The Hell Gazette interviewed him last week, after President Obama's health care reform was signed into law.

HG: What is the thought behind this movement?
Blakely: You Yanks are on the path to socialized health care. We've had it in the UK for years now - since the 40s - and your current system is much better. Wait times are lower, survival rates higher, and you pay less on average than we do. If you decide you want to scrap what you have and move to what we have, we're offering a trade. We'll take your castoff health care system and send you ours. We'll even pay to ship it over there for you.
HG: Sound fair.
Blakely: Think of it as a trade-in on your old, used health plan. It still runs but you don't like the colour [color] any more. We're willing to give you a nice, shiny new lemon in its place. Don't look under the bonnet [hood] - because the engine doesn't run - but won't it look good sitting in the driveway? Your neighbors will certainly admire it, as it's a newer version of the ones they all have.
HG: Is your system really that bad?
Blakely: No, it's much worse. Study after study has shown that our system - socialized health care - is terrible. A free market system works much better. Even your semi-free-market system beats our hands down.
HG: How big is this movement in the UK?
Blakely: Well, so far it is only includes the people who have had to deal with the poor level of care, rationing, and intense paperwork involved to get health care: in other words, just about anyone who has ever been sick or injured, with the exception of some politicians.
HG: We're not authorized to negotiate for anyone, but what would you say if we threw in all of our personal injury lawyers as well?
Blakely: Hmm. We'll have to think about that deal. I'll get back to you, but I still think it's worth it.

Militia Hoped for Sweet Professorships like 1960s Revolutionaries

2010-03-30T07:08:00.000-07:00

WHEATLAND TOWNSHIP, MI -- Early interviews with an armed anti-government group calling itself the Hutaree indicate members were hoping to eventually become "important and respected University Professors" by killing law enforcement personnel and then spending years on the run, like many members of 1960s-era Marxist organizations.

"Folks like Weathermen, Black Panthers, and lots of others - these guys and gals murdered people in the 60s, but never had to pay for their crimes. In fact, most are now revered for their violent behavior years ago and teach our impressionable young college students about history and morality. We want that kind of influence - the kind that can only come from fighting The Man," one of the members stated, with a lawyer present.

The difficulty may be that thes Hutaree don't have the rich parents that most of the 1960s revolutionary terrorists had. The members of the group have had to make a living while fulfilling their dreams of violent overthrow of the US Government. This lack of funds and useful contacts throughout the country may have lead to the arrest and apparent dismantlement of the group.

Obama's "Sad Sack" of Letters

2010-03-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- "Some people use statistics, some people use analogies, some use reasoned analysis. We used letters from unemployed people," says Brad Wilson, Obama's letter-choosing staff member, about how he and his team worked to convince America it needed socialized medical care. Mr Wilson's official job is to sift through the mountain of correspondence the President receives every day and find letters that make an emotional plea for government help.

"We call it the 'sad sack' - where we put the most gut-wrenching letters from people that just can't seem to take care of themselves. These are the folks that need government assistance and taxpayer dollars. He'd have us draw 10 letters from that bag every day to use as props, uh - I mean to use as examples." The rest of the mountain of letters, faxes, and emails was sent to the incinerator. "Yeah, the other letters - probably 90% - went on and on about personal responsibility, taxes, and junk like that. A lot of them mentioned some 'constitution' thing, whatever that is." See sidebar graphic culled from administration data about the subjects of the letters.

Mr. Wilson naturally supports the President's efforts in health care and sees his work as a vital part of that. "We are a nation of about 300 million souls. You find a few dozen really pathetic cases, and you make sweeping changes to our economy and health care system based on that. Take away everyone's freedom to make a personal decision about their life. I really don't understand why some people are so upset about this."

President Obama's famous use of letters from ordinary citizens may soon come to an end, say staffers, as thousands of angry letters from people came pouring in following the passage of his Health Care Reform bill. "It's even more than usual..." murmured Mr. Wilson as he looked over bags being sent to the incinerator.

Slaughter Rule Considered for Fall Elections

2010-03-22T07:24:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- After the successful passage this past week of the much-anticipated Health Care Reform Bill, Federal Government leaders are considering applying the "Slaughter Rule" to the upcoming elections. Louise Slaughter is chair of the House Rules Committee and the person who has authorized the use of something called the "hereby rule" to bypass many of the archaic and time-consuming checks, balances, and procedures regarding bills before congress. Many of these rules - such as "voting" - have been deemed by constitution scholars to be mere formalities once leaders divine what voters really want.

Congressional leaders and the President are researching whether a similar "Slaughter rule" can be used for election of officials themselves. A staffer working on the project noted "the President - who taught constitutional law for years and has read most of the document - thought the idea up himself, using that big brain of his." The proposal currently being mulled by Democratic leaders is to have elections bypassed altogether once candidates - especially incumbents - determine who the voters really want.

"A main advantage is the time this would save everyone. Voters wouldn't have to wait in line on election day, media wouldn't have to waste time with updates all day and night... the list goes on. Not to mention the weeks spent on recounts and challenges," added the staffer, who asked not to be named.

She went on to say they are confident the measure will be enacted by end of summer, "We're thinking we should be able to get this concept passed without a vote, or at least not one requiring a supermajority in the Senate."

President's New Fix for Economy: Book Deals for All

2010-03-19T04:46:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- The old adage "the business of America is business" has been replaced, according to President Obama. "The business of America is entertainment," the President stated while pushing his latest quick fix for the economy: force publishers to give multi-million dollar book deals to everyone.

"Many in Congress have increased their wealth through lucrative book deals," the President said during a press conference in the Rose Garden this morning. "Bubba got one, Hil [Hillary Clinton] got one, I got two. We finally figured it out: everyone should get one. So, we're working to make that law." The President often refers to his close friend Bill Clinton as "Bubba".

Congressional Budget Office (CBO) estimates show that once everyone in the United States is a multi-millionaire under this new plan, tax revenues will rise dramatically as millions of people who formerly paid no taxes will now submit up to 60% of their new-found wealth to government coffers. CBO staffers said they had to invent new numbers just to make the calculations. New York Times economists also put the stamp of approval on the plan in various opinion pieces published immediately after the announcement.

One potential snag the President mentioned was the "hundreds of thousands of illiterate public school students." The White House will soon release plans to solve this problem, by allowing those "few special cases" to receive picture book deals or have their books ghost-written by government employees.

Possible Coverup of "O'Bama's" Night on the Town

2010-03-18T04:09:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Obama reportedly sampled the night life with pal Tiger Woods for St. Patrick's Day, and may have overindulged in green beer. A bedraggled President arrived late to a scheduled 6:00 AM press conference this morning, and only managed to mumble a few words before making a hasty exit, assisted by staffers. His communications director later explained that the President was experiencing "flu-like symptoms" and "having trouble seeing his teleprompter."

Unconfirmed reports from O'Mally's in downtown Washington, DC, allege that the President arrived there with his Secret Service detail around 9:00 PM, referring to them as "my entourage." As the night wore on, numerous witnesses say they saw him singing and dancing with patrons while wearing a silly green hat and calling himself "Berrick O'Bama." At one point, a woman claims he wanted to leave the bar and "climb the Washington Monument."

An Ebay listing early this morning for "Authentic Presidential Vomit" appears to corroborate these allegations.

While Mr. Woods reportedly left the bar with a female patron, the President is thought to have stayed to "hang out shum more with the votersh." Secret Service agents would not confirm reports that the President kept saying "I love you, man" to staffers while returning to the White House.

Dirty House? Try 10th Amendment Cleanser

2010-03-17T05:16:00.000-07:00

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Taxpayers Dedicate Roads to 111th Congress

2010-03-16T05:43:00.000-07:00

TROY, MI -- "Crooks Road" in Michigan may soon be called "Crooks Road / 111th Congress Freeway" as mobs of taxpayers have requested the name change to honor the impressive achievements of the 2009-10 session of Congress.

It is common practice throughout the nation to name roads after groups or individuals that have received widspread support and admiration, such as The Korean War Veterans Expressway and the Walter Reuther Expressway.

This trend is being seen around the country as the people have risen up in support of Congressional proposals such as Socialized Health Care and Carbon Regulation. Citizens have been especially impressed with the legislature's use of unusual and unprecedented methods to get these popular bills passed, such as not reading bills before voting on them and creatively stretching the boundaries of reconciliation and other parliamentary proceedings. Polls have shown that people support bypassing centuries-old legislative proceedings, if it can be contrived as being for "the common good" or "the poor."

Grateful taxpayers are currently filling out paperwork to change Wall Avenue in Ogden, Utah, to Lying Senators Lane. Work is also nearly completed to change West Park Boulevard in Plano, Texas, to be Corrupt Politician Road.

The President will receive similar honors if activists in Washington, DC, are successful in getting Pennsylvania Avenue changed to King's Road.

Black Barbie Alleges Racial Discrimination

2010-03-10T09:50:00.000-08:00

EUNICE, LA - Black Barbie has filed suit against 8-year-old Melissa Jenkins of Louisiana, alleging racial discrimination. Black Barbie’s lawyer stated “Melissa paid only $3.00 for Ms. Black Barbie, which severely undervalues her efforts. At the same time, she purchased White Barbie for $5.93.” The suit seeks to recover $2.93 for lost wages and $3.6M for “pain, suffering, and emotional damage.”

Ms. Black Barbie held an emotional press conference with long-time boyfriend Black Ken and provided details of her experience of being purchased along with White Barbie and receiving nearly half the pay of her non-minority counterpart. “We are both doing the same work – having our hair done, getting dressed up for social events, occasionally getting chewed on by the dog – yet here I was making a lot less than WB [White Barbie]. It’s just not fair.” The interview ended in sobs as Ms. Black Barbie exclaimed “she bought us both at the same time and used to call us Ms. Salt and Mrs. Pepper – it was humiliating.”

The Jenkins family was not available for comment.

President Declares Vistory at Health Care Summit

2010-03-04T09:15:00.003-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- "The Obama's Health Care Summit is to the legislative process what fiber is to the digestive process" a Presidential aid stated today, referring to the recent attempt to get a socialized health care bill moving again in Congress. "It should sweep away obstructions and assist in pushing through a result the President can be proud of."

The Health Care Summit was a last ditch attempt to get congressional leaders from both parties to agree on the best way to deprive Americans of their ability to choose their own health care.

The aid also asserted that the Health Care Summit "did what it was intended to do" and went on to note "we have reports that journalists have been very impressed with his unbiased handling of all viewpoints, in the style of such classic moderators as Kofi Annan and Nikita Khrushchev."

Obama Denies "Socialist" Charge, Appoints 23rd Czar

2010-02-26T05:21:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- "I am not a socialist" President Obama said at a speech yesterday, "I just want our society to take a great leap forward." That great leap, according to the President, will come from "increased regulation, government takeover of some private industries, and redistribution of wealth. Now, friends and associates, I think we can all agree that is not socialism." The President spoke to a gathering of Democratic party leaders in New York, vigorously defending himself from a few isolated extremist commentators who have called him a socialist.

The President took special care to use "important capitalist buzzwords" in a vague and unverifiable manner such as "economic recovery", "reasonable regulation", and "jobs." He gave several examples of his financial savvy during the speech, including his recent decision to "not waste any more money on extra-planetary imperialism" and instead use the money here on social programs "for the public good." Aids later confirmed he was alluding to "President Bush's failed Mars adventure."

Republican Senator Jim DeMint responded to the President's speech with the cryptic response "if it walks like duck and talks like a duck..."

Ralph Nader is The Bachelor

2010-02-26T05:16:00.000-08:00

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Harry Reid's Wife Takes Self Protection Classes

2010-02-25T04:20:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- Harry Reid's wife, Landra Gould, has reportedly started taking personal protection classes following remarks by her husband that "Men, when they're out of work, tend to become abusive." It is anticipated that Mr. Reid will lose his Senate seat in the upcoming midterm election cycle and his wife "just wanted to be prepared."

While working hard to have a government health care takeover passed "by whatever procedural loophole we can find or create," Mr. Reid has nonetheless found time for a few verbal gaffes on unrelated issues. A supporter was quoted as saying "he's working harder than [Joe] Biden, as you can plainly see."

"Serial Killer" Whale Charged in Woman's Death

2010-02-24T04:59:00.000-08:00

ORLANDO, FL -- The killer whale Tilikum has been formally charged in the murder of his trainer at Seaworld. At least nine witnesses have come forward and agreed to testify in what some are calling Tilikum's 'latest' murder.

Tilikum, who - like many whales - has only one name, has been linked to at least two other murders and DNA checks are being performed on cold cases throughout the city. "This gruesome crime was boldly perpetrated in the middle of the day, in full view of dozens of witnesses" Police Detective Andrew Griffith was quoted as saying. So far, Tilikum has not admitted or denied guilt and, in fact, "has said nothing about the crime."

He is reportedly being held without bond in his own tank and has been assigned a public defender.

Rainbow/PUSH Coalition Changes Direction, Teaches Self Reliance

2010-02-23T04:20:00.000-08:00

CHICAGO, IL -- In a surprise move, activist Jessie Jackson announced an epiphany resulting in a fundamental change in perspective. He gave notice that his Rainbow/PUSH coalition will "cease all racial blackmail operations, effective immediately." He instead plans to help people learn to take responsibility for their own actions and live moral, productive lives.

The sometimes controversial former Presidential candidate revealed the impetus for his unusual change in direction during an emotional press conference. "The Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr appeared to me in a dream on Christmas Eve. He explained how his dream of racial harmony has been achieved and that the things I've been doing for the last 25 years or so have actually been working against those goals by inciting racial hatred and division. I have erred and am truly sorry."

After pausing to collect himself, he continued "I woke up in a cold sweat, fearing for my soul. Then my mind got the better of me, and I told myself it was just a bad dream. Fortunately, the seed of doubt had been planted."

Reverend Jackson detailed his experience of taking a break from activism to travel all over the country and take special notice of how people were treating one another. "Everywhere I went, I saw it was true! Blacks, whites, and every color and creed were treating each other with respect and real friendship. I noticed it at every school and park I visited, in every state: the little black children and the little white children played together and their parents sat on benches together, nearby, talking quietly. It dawned on me: the only one that is upset and yelling about race anymore is.... me."

He then went on to explain how he first considered starting a mortgage company that would specialize in "poor folks who can't afford mortgages," but on looking closer realized the "futility in that, based on the available evidence." Instead, the new purpose of the Rainbow/PUSH coalition will be to instill in the people it serves a sense of self reliance. "It is easy and un-productive to blame others for your problems. It is easy to say that Government should help me. If I can cause people to start being dependent on themselves and not the government, perhaps I can undo the damage that has resulted from my behavior of the last couple decades."

In unrelated news, flying pigs have been reported in northern Iowa.

Iranian President Plans to Compete in Olympics

2010-02-22T06:20:00.000-08:00

VANCOUVER, CANADA -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is planning a last minute entry into the Winter Olympics in an attempt to get his country's Olympic dreams "back on track." Like fellow dictators Kim Jong-il of North Korea and Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, President Ahmadinejad is "the best at everything" and intends to easily win a gold in skiing for his country. It is hoped that this move will rally the nation's athletes to victory and result in more medal wins. Iran has not won any medals to date.

His aims are more patriotic than personal, according to an unnamed minister. "His gracious Excellency the President has decided to take time away from his very busy schedule to lead Iran to one more victory over the infidels. He doesn't do this for himself, but for the glory of Iran." When asked why his athletes have not been performing well to date, the minister placed the blame generally on "the west" and specifically on the absence of a nuclear fuel deal with the US.

In other Olympic news, a high ranking Russian official has blamed former US President Ronald Reagan for their country's relatively poor showing at the Olympics this year. Former East German female weightlifting champion and current Russian Assistant Under-secretary of Finance Anna Klein was quoted as saying "Ever since I could shave, I remember the Olympics as a contest between the USSR and the US as to who could win more medals. If we had not torn down the wall all those years ago, perhaps things would be a little more interesting in Vancouver."

Greece Seeks Licensing Fees for Greek Letters

2010-02-19T04:31:00.000-08:00

ATHENS, GREECE -- The Greek government today announced it will seek licensing fees for the use of Greek Letters. "These letters belong to us" Greek President Karolos Papoulias stated today in a press conference. "The Greek alphabet is our intellectual property and people around the world have been using them, without our consent - and without compensation - for centuries." The plan calls for a sliding scale of charges, depending on the letter. The popular letters Alpha and Beta will fetch the most money while little-used Chi and Rho will get the least.

Greece is currently facing a very serious financial crisis due to the rise of public sector unions and massive public debt. This proposal to regain financial solvency is a popular one within Greece according to Mr. Papoulias, the leader of the Greek Socialist party, as it "makes someone else pay." The measures seek only to extract licensing fees on western nations, since "they're the only ones enforcing copyright and intellectual property laws anyway."

The move sparked a similar effort for licensing of Arabic numerals, but that proposal has been held up due to claims that "Arabic" numerals actually originated in India, prior to its subjugation by Arab Muslim conquerors in the 10th century.

Institutions of higher learning are predicted to pay billions if Greece is successful in enforcing its wishes. Many Universities and Colleges have already hiked tuition in anticipation.

Readers Write: Stop Linking Political Opinions to Violence

2010-02-18T04:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Hell Gazette,

I'm fed up with you and the rest of the main stream media. Please stop connecting people that commit senseless murders to whatever political ideology they happen to possess. There are some people out there that are prone to violence and feel it is ok to kill someone else. They use their beliefs as justification to harm innocent people - that is it.

Take James von Brunn, last year's "Holocaust Museum shooter", as an example. You guys were all over the airways and on the internet proclaiming immediately that the guy was a "right winger" and blaming Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and the rest for inciting him to commit cold-blooded murder.

When Scott Roeder killed a doctor in Wichita, Kansas, his political views against abortion were the only thing that made the story national news.

This past week we have the University of Alabama shooter, Amy Bishop, whose far-left political views were immediately brought to light. Now I can't open up a newspaper without "Left-Wing Extremist Kills 3" being splashed all over the front page. Read any news account of the shooting and you'll find her political views in the first paragraph, just like accounts of Roeder and von Brunn. Next, I suppose you'll be linking left-wing extremism to the hate-filled rants of Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann.

Memo to 4th estate: Please stop! In this country, people are still allowed to believe whatever they like. I guarantee there are people out there who believe things that you find utterly reprehensible. That, sir, is life. As a journalist, your job is to find and report the facts, not push your wacky conspiracy theories about people with whom you disagree.

Unfortunately, people murder others every day all over the world for a variety of reasons. Murdering someone is a crime and these folks will be caught and punished. You fools in the press defame lots of honest people by implying that their political views are the cause of violence.

Sincerely,
Conrad Puccini (Merna, NE)

Bush to Obama: "I'm Calling You Out"

2010-02-17T04:38:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- In an unusual sequence of events, two US Presidents are making arrangements for a duel, to be held at a future date but set to occur at "high noon." Former President George W. Bush reportedly requested the "affair of honor" in response to current President Obama's repeated efforts to place blame on and otherwise defame his predecessor. The alleged offense to Mr. Bush's honor occurred during the last year as President Obama has repeatedly made public statements blaming him for the current economic situation, on-going difficulties with terrorists, and foreign relations.

In the centuries-old dueling tradition, close friends or associates of the two protagonists act as "seconds" to make the arrangements; rules, location, and logistics. The fact that dueling is banned in all US States as well as the rather genteel dueling traditions dictate that negotiations between seconds be of a secretive nature. The Hell Gazette, however, has managed to discover details of the arrangements.

It was found that the choice of weapon is still being decided. Mr. Bush has indicated willingness to use any sort of firearm, having been trained and comfortable with small arms since his days at the Texas Air National Guard. President Obama, who has no military experience other than being elected Commander-in-Chief of all Armed Services, has indicated his preference of "litigation" as the weapon of choice. This stalemate has reportedly become a sticking point of negotiations.

Mr. Bush was overheard confronting President Obama during a photo session for Haitian relief efforts "I'm calling you out. Either man up and meet me on the field of honor or take responsibility for your actions and issue an apology. Make that about 20 apologies."

Under-medaled Nations "Win" Big at Vancouver

2010-02-16T05:53:00.000-08:00

VANCOUVER, CANADA -- Switzerland, the US, Germany, and France will be forced to give some of their Olympic medals to "less fortunate" countries this year under new International Olympic Committee guidelines. Ghana, Jamaica, Cyprus, Morocco, and Ethiopia were deemed the least likely to win a medal and will receive some combination of gold, silver and bronze from the countries that "have more than they can use."

The concept of redistributing medals was inspired by practices in nearly every Western nation that take resources from the successful and provide them to the less successful, so that everyone feels better. The Committee decided 8 years ago that this practice was the goal, but has been locked in debate whether it was better to redistribute the medals after competition, or change the rules during competition so that countries that don't have "the ambition or ability to win" could still receive the trappings of victory.

"The problem" says IOC representative Rudolph Van Bremen, "is that changing the rules during play became too complicated. We looked at downhill skiing and were trying to work out a way to tie different sized boat anchors to competitors, based upon the Gross Domestic Product of their native lands. Our analysis showed that this wouldn't ensure the winners we wanted, so then we looked at having prosperous nations use barrel staves instead of skis. The barrel staves were ruled out as not environmentally friendly, since they contained treated wood. In the end, we decided it was best to just let the competitors devote their lives to earning their prizes, then take them away and give them to someone else."

Mr. Van Bremen wiped away a tear of joy as the African desert nation of Ethopia was granted a silver medal for Alpine Skiing. As he recounted the tale of "a bewildered potato farmer" who was tapped to become that nation's skiing champion by Ethopian Prime Minister Meles Zenawi, Mr. Bremen was visibly moved and said quietly "this is what we have been working for all these years."

President Predicts "Negative Unemployment" by 2018

2010-02-12T07:59:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Obama made the bold prediction yesterday that the US would be basking in "negative unemployment" by 2018 if his third round of stimulus money was approved by congress. He argued that by adding 95,000 jobs every month, the stimulus package will cause unemployment to drop and "keep on dropping, right through the floor."

"Negative Unemployment", as explained by noted economists at the New York Times, is a condition where people are working two or more jobs, and are therefore employed more than full time. The White House released a graphic showing the incredible drop in unemployment which will be caused by "throwing gobs of federal dollars" at the problem, noting as an aside "there are probably cases where this strategy has worked."

Obama provided several specific unemployment targets by election year: 6.2M in 2012, 1.6M in 2016, and -2.5M in 2020. He went on to implore voters to continue to re-elect his party and offered the last 12 months as proof of how well "one-party rule" works for the country.

The call for more stimulus has been backed by nearly everyone except taxpayers, whose dwindling numbers have rendered their political influence less and less meaningful.

Zoo Animals Form Black Caucus

2010-02-11T08:32:00.000-08:00

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Gorillas, tarantellas, and crows have been using their combined might to influence policy at the LA Zoo on "issues that matter to black animals" after the creation of a Black Caucus two years ago. A spokesnake for the group, whose name sounds like "ssssssss", indicated the organization formed "because the color of our skin, feathers, or fur defines who and what we are and what is important to us." The group is currently lead by a coalition of Black Panthers and Black Mambas.

Mr. Ssssssss explained "in the wild, it was every creature for itself. Your health and well-being was your responsibility and those that were smart and worked hard generally did well. Here in the zoo, however, things are different. We want influence over those decisions that affect us - things like food distribution, cleaning schedules, and what is sold in the gift shop."

Critics of the group say it hurts everyone to base policy decisions on a creature's color, and that it "only serves to divide us all, based on superficial physical characteristics." These criticisms were forcefully denounced at a recent Black Caucus leadership retreat. One snake referred to critics as "colorists of the worst sort", and called for adding more laws against "colorism" in response.

The caucus was recently tainted with some controversy as several leaders were found to have added soft pillows and featherbeds to their living areas, while many supporters live on bare ground or straw. Despite these and other documented instances of corruption by some of the caucus leaders, they are firmly supported by nearly all black creatures. One supporter, a black squirrel who would not give his name, said "They got me this acorn didn't they? They took it from some red squirrels that had stashed away a whole bunch for winter. Those squirrels had a lot more than they needed, which isn't fair."

Supporters place blame for the "plight of black creatures everywhere" on "rampant colorism, which you can find everywhere, if you know what you are looking for."

Obama Expands "Climate Service" Agency to Include All Junk Science

2010-02-10T05:56:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Obama administration has expanded the charter of their newly proposed Climate Service agency to include the study and promotion of "a variety of junk science, not just global warming." The Climate Service, which was to be organized within the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and tasked with studying Climate Change, will instead reside in the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) with "the rest of the true believers."

Ms. Marsha Burnsky, an Obama appointee with the EPA, said in prepared remarks yesterday that the new agency will "take taxpayer dollars and use them to promote all sorts of wacky ideas - not just climate change - by funding poorly designed experiments and hosting one-sided conferences. We were going to start a biased scientific journal, but decided there were enough already. In general terms, our task is to fool people into thinking something is real by giving it a thin veneer of 'science' in coordination with a lot of press releases and hype." He added slyly, with a wink, "We might put a little pressure on people who don't toe the line, as well."

The new agency plans to hire hundreds of "self-proclaimed experts" that are emotionally and /or financially invested in their particular viewpoint, such that it prevents them from considering other possible explanations objectively. A degree in either their chosen scientific field or law is considered a minimum requirement for these positions.

"This change in charter has really opened up the field for us," Ms. Burnsky added excitedly. "We are now free to study and promote the Etheric Plane, perpetual motion machines, the flux capacitor, and a variety of other phenomenon in addition to our main goal of pushing 'Climate Change'."

By Not Teaching America's History, Educators Hope to Repeat It

2010-02-09T04:12:00.000-08:00

BOSTON, MA -- Blame it all on George Satayana, who famously said "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Teachers and Professors in public schools and universities hope that by not teaching about American Exceptionalism, their students will be "condemned to repeat it."

Dr. Simon Shipdit, Professor of History at Boston University's College of Arts and Sciences, was clear that historians know very well about America's numerous positive contributions to the world, but they teach only the few things that put America in a bad light because they want students to remain "ignorant of the rest, so they'll be doomed to repeat it."

He gave a brief and partial list of the many things "this great nation" has accomplished that are not being stressed to the current crop of learners:

The revolutionary idea that everyone is entitled to certain rights like freedom of speech, press, and religion
The concept that government works for The People, not the other way around
The creation of unparalleled wealth and prosperity for huge numbers of people in an extremely short period of time due to the workings of free market capitalism
The unique promise that every person has control over their own destiny - free of clan, family, or societal limits - and is held back only by their own hard work and ambition

When asked about the danger that students will learn about America's many historical successes and triumphs anyway, especially in this age of instant access to information, Dr. Shipdit concedes that it is possible, but unlikely, "We've been teaching this stuff for decades now, and the message just keep getting stronger and stronger. I doubt very much that it will change. Most people are too busy to really look into something on their own. It's much easier to just sit back and listen instead of having to think, don't you agree? Besides, if you don't realize you are being misled, why would you ever examine it yourself?"

Congress Mulls Windfall Tax on TV Stars

2010-02-08T04:00:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- "Anchors, Actors, and Activists" will be targeted for the latest round of windfall taxes, according to beltway insiders. "These folks are living it up while average people are practically starving in the streets," stated one staffer, who asked not to be named because he was not authorized to speak to the media.

A bill currently being worked on in secret and reportedly called "Punish The Non-productive Rich" will place special windfall taxes on people that make their living in the entertainment, news, and activism professions and bring in more than $10 million per year. Also targeted will be professional celebrities who don't appear to even be "entertainers" in the traditional sense. The taxes will amount to 95% of earnings, using the logic "They should be able to get by on what we pay the president to keep us entertained."

A spokeswoman for the League of Energized, Effective Citizens for Hope, a Hollywood-based think tank, disagreed that these "drastic measures" would help and stated angrily "These people aren't like rich bankers, merchants, and entrepreneurs - they genuinely care about people. They want to help others - many donate their time to worthy causes, you know." She continued "Besides, this punishes not only rich stars, but the many people they employ. I hope congress will be satisfied when a small army of hair stylists, fashion designers, massage therapists, and manicurists join the rolls of the unemployed."

Toyota Unveils "Flames Paint Job" Factory Option on New Models

2010-02-05T04:41:00.000-08:00

TORRANCE, CA -- Toyota Motor Sales USA announced a new "flames" paint scheme, available as an option, on all models starting today. Spokesman Ed Schlep read a prepared statement talking about the "sah-weet new look" of Toyota vehicles and likened it to the "awesomeness" of the 'Screaming Eagle' hood decal that could be ordered on 70s era Pontiac Trans Ams.

He observed that the vehicles will feel faster to drivers due to the "strictly cosmetic, but wicked" changes. "It's like the cars jump off the [starting] blocks and just keep screaming. You almost feel like you can't control them - like you're stuck on a really scary roller coaster. It is so awesome."

He concluded by noting a final benefit for consumers, "Our cars now become even more of a chick magnet - and better chicks, too, not just the weird hippy kind that don't shave their armpits or uptight old ladies", an apparent reference to the Toyota Prius Hybrid vehicle, which has become a status symbol among wealthy, environmentally-conscious suburbanite children and their grandparents.

Readers write: My Husband Loves His Teleprompter More Than Me

2010-02-04T04:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Circenses,

My husband is a politician, lawyer, and former community organizer. He currently holds a pretty high federal office. Our two daughters and I understand that his career is demanding, and he is often traveling and speaking publicly to - in his words - "sell stuff to people who don't realize they want it." However, I've recently come to suspect that he is seeing someone - or 'something' - else, and doesn't care for me the way he once did.

For years he has had a very close professional relationship with his Teleprompter. The Teleprompter and I have always been cordial to one another, but I do notice that he acts different when it's around. Whenever I see him without it, which is rare, I find he is less focused, he stammers - he's just more distant. Many of our friends say it brings out the best in him, but I don't know that I agree.

The other night he came home with some sort of grease on his collar. I also caught him late one night sending provocative facebook messages to someone named "TOTUS." I want to know, am I just being paranoid or is this something I should be concerned about?

Sincerely,
Distressed in DC

Liberal Politicians Ponder "Life After Office"

2010-02-03T04:51:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- As some lawmakers in the Democratic party realize their careers are probably going to end within the next 1-3 years, many are starting to look beyond their generous, taxpayer-provided golden parachutes and think about what they will do next. "Televangelism" was surprisingly ranked as the first choice in a recent poll of DC politicians, when asked about their planned "life after public office."

"The skills of a modern liberal politician and televangelist are very similar" says Lucas "Cool Hand" Luke, a Political Science Professor at the University of Massachusetts. "Both involve public speaking. Both involve articles of faith that transcend scientific investigation. Both involve proselytizing to people - especially the young - in hopes of making them devout, lifelong members of the congregation. Where they differ is that one believes an important function of faith is to promote moral and responsible behavior."

Ranking second in the poll, taken shortly after Martha Coakley's recent defeat in the Massachusetts Senate race, was the category "Continued Public Debauchery, Unpaid" followed closely by "Well-heeled Lobbyist / Designated Driver." Fortunately for fans of the current group of legislators, "Retirement" fell almost at the bottom of the list, right after "International Peace-monger."

Gays in Military One of Many Changes

2010-02-02T04:40:00.000-08:00

ARLINGTON, VA -- Commander-In-Chief Barrack Obama has been vocal and active about promoting homosexuality in the US military because "it improves Esprit De Corps." He has also been quietly pursuing other modifications to the nation's military policies, intended to increase effectiveness.

A classified document enumerating the administration's changes was leaked to the press this past week. As a responsible media outlet, The Hell Gazette will now provide this information to the general public, including America's enemies:

The Oath of Office is to be replaced by a "don't ask / don't tell" policy regarding commitment to the US constitution.
Soldiers will now be allowed to "express their individuality" by adding "flair" to their uniforms.
The gas-guzzling HUMVEE troop transportation vehicle is to be replaced by an up-armored version of the more efficient - if not quite as safe - Smart Car, dubbed the "running rabbit" by soldiers.
Field hospitals in theater will be authorized to utilize local pharmaceutical substances such as hashish and opiates if soldiers require them for "medicinal purposes."
The Army Song is to be replaced by the Edwin Starr classic "War". "Kumbaya" was reportedly considered, but rejected as "too religious."
Dismantling the complete nuclear arsenal of H-bombs, as a sign of good will to other nations. This policy is officially called "putting the genie back into the bottle" and more informally known as "peace through weakness." Military branches are already training in the use of a replacement weapon: the less deadly but far less expensive F-bomb.

China, Russia, and Iran applauded these far-sighted changes, with one embassy employee remarking "there may be peace in our lifetime yet."

Biggest Loser: Capital Edition

2010-01-31T06:11:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Americans can now watch bloated legislative bills compete as they slim down with the premier of Biggest Loser: Capital Edition. The show, which was originally going to be broadcast on CSPAN, will premier instead on NBC in Fall 2010.

The show is hosted by the venerable US Constitution, which although more than 200 years old still weighs in at a svelte 4 pages, and will feature proposed legislation competing in a race to "lose the pages." The initial season includes several well-known contestants including "Cap and Trade" (900+ pages) and "Socialized Health Care" (2000+ pages).

A spokesman for NBC said "All of America will be cheering these hard-working contestants on as they try to get more compact, trimming off pages and pages of fat during the course of the season. Hopefully, this will inspire the next generation of bills to cultivate good governing habits from the outset, rather than trying to play catchup after they've grown to an unwieldy and unhealthy size."

Home Obamanomics Classes Gaining Popularity

2010-01-28T04:40:00.000-08:00

PRINCETON, NJ -- Like most things from the 1950s and 1940s, the "Home Economics" classes taught in American High Schools were racist, sexist, and homophobic. The classes taught young ladies the basics of running a household and managing family finances, with a focus on hard work and living within one's means. Luckily for this country, their popularity has waned dramatically since then, replaced by more practical classes in art, volunteering, and diversity.

One far-sighted Princeton Professor is working to revive the concept, but with a modern twist. He is pushing a version of these classes inspired by President Obama's vision of "Government-side" economics, called "Home Obamanomics". Dr. Ralph Sliprie, author of the popular book "The Personal Responsibility Myth: Why You Can't Be Blamed For Your Actions", has been quietly meeting with enthusiastic High School administrators around the country, explaining his innovative ideas and helping them create curricula around them.

Dr. Sliprie explained why these classes are necessary, "Americans used to have this idea that the family was the basic unit of society, with mothers acting as the bedrock foundation and most important piece of that: teaching, guiding, and protecting. Despite efforts to erase it, the notion persisted that mothers and fathers had different sets of skills and together they formed more than the sum of the parts. However, most educated people know that government and pop culture are really the pillars our culture rests on and that instant gratification of urges and desires should override everything else. Unfortunately, a few folks still believe in the anachronistic 'traditional family': father / mother / children. It's especially sad for the children in these situations and something I've devoted my life to fixing."

His goal is to instill "updated" values in the nation's youth such as bailouts for failure, spending your way out of debt, services provided by a generous and benevolent Federal Government, and the "warm glow" that arises from having union dues automatically deducted from your paycheck "in the event your life choices happen to include working."

The classes will walk students through scenarios they might encounter in real life, and prescribe the best way to handle such things. "For example," says Dr. Sliprie, "we all have bills due at the end of the month. This class teaches you the practical life lesson of how to apply for government assistance to pay those bills. Or how to petition the utility company to reduce your payments, because you are in debt, out of work, or just deserve it. As extra credit, students can demonstrate publicly against private utility companies and press for government takeover of these things. That way no one has to pay for it!"

"Bailout Smackdown" to be Proposed in State of the Union

2010-01-27T06:27:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Obama will reportedly propose a new way to revive the economy this evening: Companies still owing bailout funds must send their leaders to a "no holds barred" steel cage match wrestling tournament to be held in Las Vegas, NV. The match-up will be shown on pay-per-view TV and internet and the winning corporation will have its debt forgiven. All proceeds will be placed in a slush fund for Congress to use "as it sees fit." The administration's unprecedented plan was leaked early Wednesday morning, and will be the centerpiece of his upcoming State of the Union address.

The President's staff has been scrambling for new ideas following the loss of the Ted Kennedy Memorial Senate Seat, and many felt this concept would "resonate with the people." Bloggers were supportive, with one noting "We the people - and our children - have paid billions to bail these guys out. At least they could provide a little entertainment for us."

The Hell Gazette contacted several CEOs, many of whom liked the idea. Some appeared to let their competitive streak overcome their normally placid demeanors: frothing at the mouth in anticipation and attempting to intimidate potential opponents. An unnamed insurance company executive wearing a black leather mask was quoted as saying "I'm gonna take Whitacre apart - I'm gonna destroy him", referring to General Motor's new CEO, Ed Whitacre Jr.

The average age of the participants is 68, and the plan calls for a large staff of doctors and technicians to be on hand for the event. "The injuries this event should produce will provide not only good entertainment, but stimulus to the health care industry in the form of joint replacements and medicines. This is yet another benefit," the staffer added.

The Int'l Space Station's Plumber

2010-01-27T04:17:00.000-08:00

HOUSTON, TX -- What do you do when you have a clogged toilet 220 miles from earth? You call Herman Plunck, "space plumber"! The terrestrial owner of Plunck's Plumbing in Houston has been working with NASA since repairing the latrine in Skylab in 1974.

Mr. Plunck explains how - with no prior flight experience - he was chosen to be NASA's unofficial plumbing contractor, "Well, in '74 they put the contract out for terlet [toilet] repairs as some kind of sub-contract for something else. Something bigger, jets or some such, don't remember. Anyhow, they needed to have a small business represented because of this here small business regulation. My cousin heard 'bout it and was funning with me one night after work, said I should submit a proposal. I did. I got that one, and the government contract officers say it's easier just to keep going with the same contractor, what with the paperwork and all."

He has made 4 spaceflights, including that first one. "Over the years I've fixed clogged sinks, stuck terlets, showers - all kinds of stuff up there" he says, pointing skyward. "I even have special space tools that the government bought for me" he states, gesturing toward a bag containing what appear to be ordinary plumbing tools spray-painted silver.

While Mr. Plunck only gets called every 10 years or so, he does his best to keep in shape in between flights, "I chase my dog. Mostly when he grabs the remote and runs off. Durn dog."

2010 Adopt-A-Rocket Fundraiser

2010-01-26T04:41:00.000-08:00

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Air America Bankrupt / Owners Switch Political Parties

2010-01-25T07:05:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK, NY -- Left-wing radio station Air America Media closed up shop last week, ending a rocky, unprofitable 6 year run that investors called "worse than Fannie Mae." The real news, however, is that of the 7 owners of the company, 6 have changed political outlook and now consider themselves "conservative." The 7th committed suicide.

The remaining owners, who are trying to keep the defections secret in order to continue friendships with "the cool kids", gave several reasons why they now believe that a smaller, less intrusive government is the best possible political system. "We'd never run a business before, and we figured out pretty quick it is hard work and not as easy as you might think. Having the FCC, IRS, EPA, and a hundred other government regulators breathing down your neck about everything makes that job a hundred times worse. After we figured out that government is usually the problem - not the solution - it was a pretty awful feeling listening to our programming, and realizing it was a bunch of nonsense. It felt like we were living a lie." Living that lie is the suspected reason for the suicide of the 7th owner, whose cryptic bedside note said only "Rush is Right."

When asked whether another left-wing radio network will appear to replace Air America, the owners sounded pessimistic "I doubt it. We tried to target the folks that appreciate the hard-hitting journalism of Jon Stewart and Katie Couric. Unfortunately, very few of them would switch the radio dial off Howard Stern. And to be honest, when they did switch there wasn't much to listen to anyway - towards the end, we found it easier and less expensive to just keep looping the hosts braying 'Dems are Good, Tea Bags Bad' for the better part of the day. None of our listeners could tell the difference."

Al Qaeda Offers Aid to Haiti

2010-01-20T04:40:00.000-08:00

UNKNOWN LOCATION -- Al Qaeda offered assistance to Haiti today, saying they could provide weapons and hatred. An unnamed spokesman in a black ski mask stated "we would love to help our infidel brothers by supplying either one or both." They proposed working with either the French Government or the United Nations to get the supplies where they are needed most, but stipulated they would not work with the US Army under any conditions. The grainy recording of the offer surfaced in a known terrorist chat room yesterday and has since been authenticated by the CIA.

Although Al Qaeda considers itself a government-in-exile of all of humanity, this is the first known instance of them offering humanitarian assistance. The organization produces death, destruction, and hatred, but indicated they only wanted to supply hatred at this time, since "Haiti seems to be well stocked with death and destruction right now." They did not rule out offering either in the future, if needed.

A UN Security Council spokesperson confirmed approval of the proposal using the new Terrorist / Despot Fast-track Approval Process (TD-FAP) and pledged assistance with "moving these needed supplies as quickly as possible to the afflicted region."

Bush "Pre-Blamed" for Possible Loss of Kennedy Senate Seat

2010-01-19T06:27:00.000-08:00

BOSTON, MA -- Former US President Bush has been blamed for an anticipated Senate seat loss by candidate Martha Coakley's staff as voting continued in this important election. A tired election worker stated "Like everything else that has gone wrong in the last decade or so, this calamity can be traced back to the last occupant of the White House. I can't even say his name I despise him so much."

The campaign worker also implicated journalistic outlets in the potential tragedy. "They've been digging into Martha's past work as a prosecutor and all sorts of stuff," he scoffed, "as if how she has acted in the past is any indication of her character or how she'll act as a Senator." He went on to cite heavy reporting of the campaign's hip-checking of reporters and verbal gaffes. "Senator Kennedy never got this kind of scrutiny" he said indignantly.

The race in Massachusetts has generated national interest and been cast by some as a referendum on President Obama's leadership of the country. In an attempt to counteract "Bush's continued attempts to defeat me", the President himself campaigned recently on Coakley's behalf. In addition, he has loaned campaign workers and reportedly allowed her to use his lucky Teleprompter.

The race is still undecided at this time, with polls closing at 8pm (Eastern) today and legal challenges continuing into late summer.
UPDATE: Brown wins election!

US Gov't Reintroduces Segregation

2010-01-18T10:39:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- As Congress has debated health care legislation, many assumed that the Republican party was being excluded from the debate solely as a political power grab. It was announced today, however, that a new government policy of segregation is driving the exclusion of one side from the debate, not a desire to force further government control over people's lives and finances.

Representatives of House and Senate leaders made the joint announcement this morning, "in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King's memory." Dr. King's legacy has been claimed by Jesse Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton, both of whom support "this form of segregation."

A spokesperson for the Republican Party said they decried this new policy and have "a dream" that one day both parties may work together on legislation.

Code Pink Protests US Military Presence in Haiti

2010-01-15T05:51:00.000-08:00

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI -- Code Pink activist Jennifer "JenJen" Nichols is hoarse after screaming "NO US MILITARY IN HAITI" for 3 hours straight at soldiers this morning, in a city devastated by a massive earthquake. President Obama has pledged $100M, at least 6000 Soldiers and Marines, and a small fleet of Navy Vessels to help this poor island nation deal with the catastrophe. It is the last two parts of that pledge that brought 14 Code Pink protestors here.

Moonbeam Sunshine, born Amy Edwards, is the leader of the small group and gave this statement while sipping a latte, "We oppose the US Military in Iraq. We oppose it in Afghanistan. We oppose it anywhere it goes." Her small group of supporters cheered loudly as she finished in a crescendo, while shaking her fist "We just oppose, oppose, oppose!"

Ms. Sunshine went on to explain how this trip "is so much better than our Hamas support trip to Gaza. The food is better, and we're able to see more of the city's night life."

Iranian Game Shows Brought to US

2010-01-14T07:51:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK CITY, NY – NBC Universal announced today it will be bringing popular Iranian game shows to the US, including such hits as “Lose the Point / Lose a Hand!” and “The Price of the Wife is Right.” NBC said they would launch a new channel called “Game Shozeera” to air the shows during the day and compete with “the tired old fare we usually see.”

The shows, which are completely in Arabic, will be subtitled in English for the US market. European affiliates would receive dubbed versions for the handful of non-Arabic languages still spoken there.

Journalists were given an advanced screening of “Islamic Jeopardy”, which featured categories such as “90’s Fatwas” and “Famous Mohammeds.”

A representative also discussed starting a channel for Saudi Arabian reality shows, which are becoming increasingly popular in the Middle Eastern region as well. NBC is reportedly nearing a deal on “Wives Swap”, in which prosperous Muslim males swap some or all of their wives.

Readers Write: Thank You, Commoners

2010-01-13T06:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Circenses, et al,

I am the head of a large financial firm that specializes in mortgage holdings. I would like to give a faithful narrative of my part in the financial scandal and chaos preceding the last election.

The cause of all of it is companies like mine, which thrust loans upon innocent and honest folks, knowing full well that they could never pay us back. This is the fruit of machinations we in Big Business started in the 1990s to become even more fabulously wealthy than we already are. I'll lay out the scheme here (You can find more details at MS-NBC or in popular documentaries).

1. Force mortgages on people who have no way to pay them back
2. Make people renege on the loans, moving their flat panel TVs and gaming systems to rental properties
3. Take possession of many, many houses
4. Sell those houses at a loss, after repairing them and paying to maintain them for months or years
5. Get blamed for the entire fiasco

First, I'd like to thank the many 'little people' out there who have helped make this plan a reality.

Second, you'll notice that government interference is not required anywhere. We should have been suspicious this spring when a lackey for our overwrought President appeared in my plush office and offered “Free Government Money, no strings attached!” Since faceless government bureaucrats are above reproach, I believed him, as did many of my Big Business conspirators. We soon discovered we had been duped.

My company repaid the loans, with interest, when we realized how noisome our new creditors were. It is one thing to have an overbearing landlord with his sundry rules and regulations. It is quite another to have him move right into your house with you, directing your every move: at what temperature to keep the caviar, which currency makes the best kindling for starting fires (most educated people know it is General Grant's image which burns the brightest), and so on. Most distressing.

I would again like to thank everyone involved for our continued success - except the government which continues their attempt to thwart our plans. With any luck, the next election will bring another party into power, more amenable to manipulation.

Most Sincerely Yours,
Clifton Montechuex III (Manhattan, NY)

Obama's "Rush to Judgement" Advisor

2010-01-12T05:45:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- Obama's speeches always contain soaring rhetoric and sound bite-ready turns of phrase. They also sometimes contain instructions to Americans about when we should be rushing to judgment and when we shouldn't. Junior speechwriter Jonathan Goldstein is responsible for determining when judgment should be rushed and when it shouldn't be. The Hell Gazette sat down with Mr. Goldstein at his home office this week to discuss this key position.

HG: Mr. Goldstein, you perform an important job for the President, don't you?

Goldstein: For the nation, actually. If it weren't for my instructions - passed through the Commander-In-Chief, of course - people might judge when they aren't supposed to, or might not judge when they should. I have to get both right, since both are dangerous situations.

HG: Can you provide some examples of each in the past?

Goldstein: Sure. This past summer there was a good example of when we should have been rushing to judgment: the President's kindly friend was arrested by an obviously racist police officer. We definitely got that one right, as did a lot of folks in the press.

On the other hand, after the man-made disaster in Ft. Hood, we took care to caution people there. Some folks thought right away it might have been a terrorist attack since it was a radical Muslim shooting innocent people while chanting "Praise to Allah". We wouldn't have wanted people to jump to conclusions before all the facts were uncovered. We still aren't sure that was terrorism, and it has been months now.

HG: It seems that we are warned against jumping to conclusions more often than we are instructed to rush to judgment. Any reason why?

Goldstein: Well, our nation is run by lawyers, for one - they usually want to caution people to get all the facts on a case as a general rule. Unless, of course, getting all the facts would hurt their case! [laughs]

Seriously, though, I think people in this country are too quick to judge as a general rule. Except cases where bigotry is suspected - then we need to be very quick to judge and very quick to act. [makes stomping motion with feet]

HG: How about recent events: Harry Reid's remarks or the "pantie-bomber"? Any guidance for folks there?

Goldstein: I'll give the same advice the President did about Mr. Abdulmutallab: that is a clear "do not rush to judgment" situation. He is still only a suspect in a criminal case, after all. As for Mr. Reid's remarks, it may seem counter-intuitive, but we need to be judicious there. We wouldn't want to label someone a "racist" and ruin their career in what might have been a big misunderstanding, after all.

Reid Says "Definition of 'Racism' has changed since 2002"

2010-01-11T05:54:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has stated that the definition of the word "racism" has changed since 2002, when a predecessor of his was ousted over politically incorrect language. Senator Reid is embroiled in a minor controversy, similar to Senator Trent Lott's troubles in 2002, involving words that may have implied a disparagement of a non-Asian racial minority. Reid explained today in a press conference that "racism is not as much of an issue today as it was back in the Jim Crow days of 2002 because we now live in a post-racial world."

He went on to state that the election of an African-American President has fundamentally changed the definition of the word "racism". He provided documentation from the 2002 Official US Senate dictionary and the most recent version, reprinted here:

(2002) racism, noun: a belief by any US Senator that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race

(2010) racism, noun: a belief by any Republican US Senator that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race

The dictionaries are released by the Senate Definitions Subcommittee, usually controlled by the majority party.

He further expressed hope that this could all be resolved by drinking a beer with President Obama to "put this whole thing behind us and forget about it. ...or at least get the press to stop writing about it."

Congress Repeals Law of Supply and Demand

2010-01-08T08:32:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- Congress plans to continue the task of dismantling economics regulations by repealing "broken legislation" such as the Law of Supply and Demand and the Law of Diminishing Returns in an attempt to get the US economy growing again.

Leaders of the House and Senate met this week to discuss how best to proceed with the work of ridding the US of "laws based on a flawed view of human nature." A staffer for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid spoke with journalists this morning about the plans for 2010 "A lot of these laws are based on principles from a really old book by some guy named Adam Smith. Our country has operated on these principles, more or less, for the last 200 years. We've steadily been been rolling them back and made a lot of progress in the 1930s and 1970s, but every few election cycles we lose a little ground which then has to be made up. With the current control we have in all branches of federal government, this is an excellent chance to really move away from this whole 'free market' idea."

The staffer went on to explain how the world is now in agreement that the best system is one based on a large, benevolent government which decides how all markets should operate "for the good of all." After citing many economists that support this view and use government grants to write papers proving it, he continued "People should think of the government as a big bear. That is, a cuddly, friendly teddy-bear type creature." He added hastily, "With teeth and claws, of course."

Terrorists May Know About "Post-emptive" Security Policy After Leak

2010-01-07T05:32:00.000-08:00

PENTAGON CITY, VA -- The Transportation Security Administration announced today that its confidential policy handbook for top-level leadership was leaked to the internet days ago. TSA Officials fear that a leaked policy manual with important guidance such as "doing something makes people feel safer than doing nothing and is the recommended course of action, even if the efforts merely waste time with no real security benefit" may provide information for US enemies to exploit.

The manual contains a wealth of inside information about US security, such as the official policy of vigorously reacting to new methods of attack after they happen. A TSA staffer, who asked not to be named, said "This key policy - which we proudly call 'closing the barn door after the livestock has escaped' - has helped to protect travelers since 9/11. After the shoe bomber, we started taking a look at shoes. After the terrorists tried liquids and gels, we started banning those. Now, after this Christmas Day attack, we're going to prevent an exact duplicate of that attack from ever happening again by keeping people in their seats at certain times, taking away blankets, etc. Every time they come up with something new, we spring into post-emptive action, preventing them using it a second time. It's like a game of tennis, except we always let them serve. Since the leak of this important secret, though, we'll have to think up something else."

Other important and damaging information was contained in the manual as well, such as the priorities to be used when crafting new security processes; "from the higher-level perspective, offending a minority group is much worse than losing a plane or two" and "Inconveniencing and delaying law-abiding citizens is usually a last consideration, given all other factors. The amount of time people must wait in the airport or the intrusiveness of security measures need not be considered at all."

Typhus Bacteria Put on Endangered Species List

2010-01-06T04:21:00.000-08:00

GLAND, SWITZERLAND -- The Rickettsia Bacteria, which causes Typhus in humans, was officially placed on the Endangered Species List this week, as conservationists stated that "help was urgently needed for this noble parasite to survive." Citing the extinction of the smallpox-causing Variola major and Variola minor viruses, a spokesperson for the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) noted that "humans act as if they can do whatever they like to other living creatures in this world."

"Only by taking action can we help this bacteria reclaim the greatness and majesty it once held in the world," stated Dr. Johann Strumm, spokesperson for the IUCN. "Together we can and will make a difference in the lives of many."

He recommended that a strategy of "shaky or misrepresented science combined with scare tactics" be used and pointed to its successful application in a variety of environmental fields. He further highlighted the resurgence of the Plasmodium parasite, which causes malaria, by reducing the use of certain pesticides through lawsuits and political pressure. "Here was a good example of using questionable claims of environmental impact to directly cause tens of millions more successful malaria infections, thereby ensuring the continued survival of these beautiful and unique creatures."

Gloomy President Comments on 2009 "Lowlights"

2010-01-05T04:04:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Barack Obama conceded in an interview today that "it turns out we are not the ones we've been waiting for." A visibly aged Obama seemed crestfallen at the admission, but expressed that he wants to "gut it out for the last 3 years anyhow."

The President's wide-ranging interview with the Hell Gazette displayed a gray and melancholy president who only one year ago was ready to take office with gusto. Overall, he seemed disgusted that "rhetoric alone can't solve problems" and added "wouldn't the world be a better place if it could?"

He is haunted by what he repeatedly called the "lowlights" of 2009:

His admission that fiscal responsibility might be necessary on the part of the Government "I'm willing to give up my Teleprompters and replace them with a cue card guy, if that would help."
Rebuked peace offerings to glamorous dictators in Iran and Venezuela "I won't name names, but I really thought these guys were my friends."
Two high profile terror attacks and several lower profile attempts "I've apologized for practically everything about America, what more do these people want?"
His inability to pull out of either Afghanistan or Guantanamo Bay "It just sounds so easy when you read the Huffington Post."
Unemployment that increased significantly despite spending billions on stimulus efforts "We've been taking money from companies, citizens, and our kids and giving it to political allies through massive pork spending. The pork is basically fat, which is burned as a type of economic fuel. Shouldn't the burning of all that fuel bring unemployment back down? I just don't get why that isn't working."

He noted with some sadness how he wishes he "had just kept organizing communities and criticizing those running the country instead of trying to run it myself. That was so much easier." He added with despair, "To make matters worse, I don't have as much time for golf. I've lost 4 strokes on my average." Family members denied that he is being watched by the Secret Service for signs that he may try to harm himself, but confirmed he has been smoking "a lot more".

Baby New Year Blames Predecessor

2010-01-04T05:30:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK, NY -- In a sometimes rambling facebook rant, Baby New Year 2010 indicated she would not accept responsibility for "all of the problems from 2009." New Years don't typically criticize the outgoing year, out of respect for the often much older looking year.

The facebook post indicated that "09 is the cause of the probs [sic] - dont [sic] look here cause [sic] u [sic] wont [sic] see me yo [sic]". Twitter entries made days after the posting dispel the rumor that Baby New Year 2010 - who apparently prefers to be called BNY10 - accidentally sent the original post or wasn't clear-minded when it was written. The facebook post listed several things it feels will cause problems in 2010: "makin [sic] nice wit [sic] fascists / makin [sic] folks buy hc [editor's note: this probably refers to health care] / putting terrorists on trial in ny / unemployment @ 10 / the list goes on"

2009 has been contacted by the Hell Gazette, but declined to comment on the incident.

Dr. Phil Asked to Take 911 Calls

2009-12-30T19:37:00.000-08:00

NASHVILLE, TN -- The head of the Fraternal Order of Police has officially requested that Dr. Phil McGraw, a popular former psychologist and talk show host, start taking calls from some 911 callers. Citing recent cases of spurious 911 calls in Texas and Massachusetts, the organization is concerned that many people expect the police to handle non-emergencies which have traditionally been worked out on daytime television.

The plan advocates directing "certain" callers to Dr. Phil for remediation and is estimated to save hundreds of lives and millions of dollars annually as police call centers and officers are used more effectively. An additional, related proposal involves offloading some civil cases to Judge Judy.

World's Poor Want Capitalist Exploitation - Researchers Baffled

2009-12-29T17:36:00.000-08:00

PRINCETON, NJ - After years of extensive field research, two college professors at Princeton are planning to release their stunning findings: the poor in nearly every country want the capitalist system that has produced such carnage in the US.

In 2007, Dr. Raymond Finkel and Dr. Lois Einhorn, both faculty members in Princeton's Anthropology Department, were given a 3-year, $5M grant to study the causes of poverty in the world. "The obvious answer was that poverty was caused by not having money. However, we wanted to dig deeper." says Dr. Einhorn. Dig deeper they did, by flying around the world and interviewing some of the poorest citizens of Africa, South America, and Asia. These impovershed families gave an answer that shocked and baffled the researchers: they actually wanted American capitalism.

"All of our academic training has convinced us that capitalism - actually, the US in general - is a broken system. It is elitist. It is racist. It is unfair. But these poor, uneducated people actually thought it was a great system." explains Dr. Finkel. He went on to list the numerous findings. "They thought stable and inexpensive energy sources were important - coal, gasoline, fuel oil, and electrical power. We couldn't make them understand how the private companies behind these things were making obscene profits, and how unjust that was. Many feared enslavement from armed bands that roamed and pillaged at will. I tried - vainly - to explain how businesses practically enslave people when they hire them as workers."

Dr. Einhorn scoffed as she related some of their concerns about lack of medicines and vaccines, "I've seen the documentaries. I know that many Americans disagree that we have it so great. When I tried to explain to these misguided people how bad the US system is and how they did not want those insurance companies and big pharma controlling their health care, they didn't get it. They just wouldn't listen to reason."

Nearly everyone they interviewed expressed a desire to live in the US, which also was a surprise. "Everyone we talked to said they'd love to live in a McMansion, drive a Hummer, and shop at 'big box' stores or even Walmart, after we explained what these things were."

Dr. Finkel was especially concerned that even the more educated people - "ones who should know better" - thought capitalism was a great idea. "They would often refer to it as a 'meritocracy'. We've asked for additional funding to figure out what that is."

D.C. Fashion Maven Makes 2010 Predictions

2009-12-27T07:34:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- Fashionista Gina "China" D'Angelo has for years correctly predicted what was going to be popular with the Washington Press Corps. In late December of every year, she publishes her much-anticipated predictions for the next year as a list called "What's In / What's Out in DC".

It was she who correctly predicted that the Iraq War would go from "overwhelmingly popular" to "quagmire" in the press around 2004. She spotted the trend away from the praise of "bi-partisanship" the last few years to the "bitter divides" this past year as some in government started blaming their "principles" for not helping out on health care reform. "Disenfranchised voters" went from major stories in 2000 and 2004 to nary a peep in 2008 - again, she called it.

Reporters in Washington and many cable news anchors watch her predictions closely to make sure they are keeping up with the latest styles. Does this scrutiny make her worry that perhaps one year she'll get it wrong? She playfully tosses her head, "I haven't gotten it wrong yet. To some folks it might be baffling how I'm almost always correct about this stuff, but I've noticed an overall trend that makes it easy for me to make these predictions."

Readers Write: Spend Your Way Out of Debt

2009-12-26T05:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Hell Gazette,

I am a longtime ACORN employee who was let go this summer after 7 years of faithful service. I couldn't find a job and was having a hard time making ends meet. It seems "voter registration expert" isn't something very many companies need right now.

I am writing to let other out-of-work people know about something that has helped me and may help them, too. President Obama's bold idea that we as a nation must "spend our way out of recession" is something that I've been trying at a personal level by attempting to spend my way out of debt.

So far the results are outstanding! I have new TVs, new appliances, 3 snowmobiles, a new car (thanks, Cash For Clunkers!), and the kids had bunches of toys under the tree this year. It works so well that some days I almost feel like I still have a job. I wanted to let everyone know that Mr. Obama's idea works and they should try it, too. What is true for the country is certainly true for every household in America, too.

Sincerely,
Clive Mively (Greenville, Maine)

Christmas Greetings

2009-12-25T05:00:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS

from all of us at the Hell Gazette!

Sen. Boxer Spearheads New Whistleblower Policy

2009-12-24T04:07:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- During the Enron scandal, Senator Barbara Boxer was as vocal as any that whistleblowers should be protected and those that destroy evidence should be punished. In a remarkable change of heart, however, she now feels it is the government's responsibility to investigate those that blow the whistle on corruption and dishonest behavior. The move echoes established policy in some major world powers.

Senator Boxer has called for an investigation and possible prosecution of the turncoat who released the emails and software source code from University of East Anglia's Climate Research Unit, which proves the group destroyed raw data and falsified climate change findings. Media outlets have occasionally called this theft of information from a respected research organization "Climate-gate", when they have time to report about it.

"We just got the whole concept wrong - whistleblowers are the ones who should be punished. Organizations that try to defraud or deceive the public are the ones who should be protected - they are the victims here. That is why I'm going to call for the repeal of SarbOx", she said, referring to the Sarbanes-Oxley regulatory bill that was passed after accounting firm Arthur Andersen was found to have shredded proof of wrong-doing at Enron corporation. This legislation added a complex and costly regulatory burden to all US companies but has successfully kept financial markets honest and the US economy strong since its passage in 2002.

Tea Party Protests Blamed on Dark Energy

2009-12-23T04:06:00.000-08:00

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Researchers have linked "dark energy", the mysterious substance that scientists believe is causing the universe to expand faster than expected, to the recent phenomenon of Tea Party protests.

The Tea Parties have occurred spontaneously every couple months in different parts of the US, and involve thousands or tens of thousands of ordinary citizens who don't have time to demonstrate against unpopular policies because of other responsibilities, such as work and family. At a recent Tea Party in Washington, DC, an unnamed protestor talked about the odd circumstances involved in their protesting experience, "A strange force suddenly compelled me to take to the streets and speak out against our immense, incompetent government and its horrid policies. I didn't want to do it. I have better things to do than come shiver out here at the steps of the Capital, holding a sign and chanting. However, I was forced to come! ...I was forced to come."

The Hell Gazette interviewed several protestors at a recent rally against the massive Health Care Bill making its way through the legislature and found the same answer: an inexplicable force was drawing these busy, productive people out of their homes and causing them to make vocal, public protests.

Dr. Phillip Morrison, Head of Research at Mount Wilson Observatory, is concerned about the power of the protests, "We theorize that eventually dark energy will tear the universe apart, as opposing forces refuse to yield to its will. We can only hope that doesn't happen with the Federal Government."

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2009-12-22T17:51:00.000-08:00

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Missing Constitutional Rights Found

2009-12-22T04:13:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC -- Janitors at the Library of Congress have discovered text originally intended to be included in the US Bill of Rights, but misplaced in 1789. These documents eerily presage some modern arguments for additional privileges guaranteed by the Constitution.

In faded parchment apparently lost by a courier, several rights beyond the famous ten were envisaged. The rights are continued starting at thirteen because of two failed amendments that were not included in the final Bill of Rights.

Travelers Rights "Article the Thirteenth... No person undertaking travel shall be unduly inconvenienced or kept within the confines of coach or buggy whilst bills of lading or other administrative duties are executed, lest such persons shall become hungry or peevish."
Patients Rights "Article the Fourteenth.... No person shall be made to pay more than a reasonable amount for services regarding one's health and welfare, or if indigent to pay nothing at all; no person shall be denied services for any general or acute ailment, regardless of personal liability due to neglect or ill-advised personal habits; no person shall be made to feel embarrassment from any physician as a result of interview or examination."
Welfare Rights "Article the Fifteenth.... No person shall be lacking in housing, means of communication, entertainment, food, or discretionary funds as long as the general body of citizenry are able to provide means to enable these furnishings; and by so transferring the fruits of labor from one to another shall the further equity of all be recompensed."
Unemployment Rights "Article the Sixteenth.. If a person desires to work but lacks either initiative or attitude to secure such employment, Congress shall ensure education, transportation and funds be provided to such persons by their neighbors."
Right to No Offense "Article the Seventeenth..... No person shall be made to hear utterances or statements that they shall find offensive, unless they are intended to demean or dishonor a particular religious establishment."

Historians have long puzzled over correspondence between several of the Founding Fathers which alludes to additional "lost" rights, and this discovery appears to solve the mystery. Other letters which were found in the basement of the Library of Congress indicate that a messenger lost the second sheet sent to a printer to create copies for each state, pending ratification. The embryonic and minimally staffed government was too exhausted to try to recreate the second sheet and decided to only send the rights listed on the first page. Thomas Jefferson's forthright note to the printing house makes this intent clear, "The ten rights enumerated in the first page shall suffice as the populace requires nothing more, nor the government in truths should supply."