US Switches Policies on Iran and "Rich People"

WASHINGTON, DC -- The United States Executive branch has decided to "swap policies" to jumpstart progress against its two biggest threats: Iran and Rich People. President Barack Obama outlined the changes to US policy in a speech this past week, noting "Iran is pursuing nuclear weapons and is a dangerous country. Millionaires and billionaires are pursuing more and more money and are dangerous people. In the past, we've issued sanctions on the one and ramped up taxes and rhetoric against the other. We're simply going to swap the two policies to see if maybe that works." Aids responded to questions after the speech, saying "it's something we're going to try for a little while and see what happens. If after a year or so we're no better off, we'll probably switch them back."

Under the new US stance, the President and his staff will seek to increase taxes on the country of Iran and start directing heated rhetoric toward the Middle Eastern nation, vilifying it. In addition, Rich People - the official definition hasn't yet been provided, but pundits generally agree this will probably mean anyone making more than $250,000 a year - will find their bank accounts frozen and travel restricted until they agree to either transform their businesses into green energy suppliers or give all their "excess" money to charity or the US Treasury.

An administration spokesperson added "one definition of insanity is to keep trying the same thing and expecting different results. This proves we're not crazy after all."

Wall St. Occupiers Erect 'Statue of Misery'

New York, NY -- The "Occupy Wall Street" activists erected a statue this past week, inspired by the US Statue of Liberty, created so "the dozens of new arrivals to this strange new land will have something to inspire them." The group is calling it the "Statue of Misery" and expressed hope that the monument would last "as long as the 'Occupy' movement itself."

One of the creators of the statue, former art student Stan Andeliver, stressed that the statue was built from recycled material. "99% of it is organic trash from around the park. This stuff has just been lying around here doing nothing for weeks, and we picked it up and used it. Let it serve now as a beacon for others."

The brief dedication ceremony consisted of an original reading by self-described 'street poet' John Languid, called "The New and Improved Colossus."

Not like that big ol' lady shivering in the sea
Welcoming legal immigrants to this unfair land,
Unfathomably thinking it better than where they left.
We have here this totally awesome new place
And this pile of stuff - vaguely human-like - but made from trash
To welcome fellow travelers to our make-believe world
Where we don't have to work
To prove our worth, or fill our stomachs.
Bring me your lazy, your selfish, your ignorant youth,
Nurtured and programmed by cynical fools.
Bring them here to live on someone else's land -
Noisy and noisome - and play pretend.
That we are grownups now and know better than those
Who came before and built this place.

CDC: Racism a Disease, DNC Has Secret Vaccine

Druid Hills, GA -- The US Center for Disease Control (CDC) has revealed racism to be a disease which only humans of Caucasian ancestry can contract. This shocking announcement was made today by a CDC press release after years of speculation by conspiracy theorists worldwide.

A document from the CDC describing the findings was leaked to several media outlets in 1992, but most declined to publish it. The document, on CDC letterhead and now acknowledged as genuine, alluded to the knowledge that racism was a disease to which only white people are succeptible, caused by a virus called Fraudulus Accuzashiun. The disease is passed socially, by talking with or being around people who have it - most of whom show no symptoms and don't even realize they have it themselves. Mass gatherings, such as the Tea Party rallies of the last few years, have resulted in thousands of new infections, causing the World Health Organization to classify it as an 'outbreak' in the US.

The most controversial part of the elaborate cover was the revelation that the Democratic National Committee (DNC) funded the CDC to produce a vaccine for the disease, which has been kept secret from rank-and-file members, but distributed through beverages served at DNC events since the late 1960s. Whole states have also been inoculated, including California and Vermont, "for testing purposes" according to a high-ranking CDC official.

The late Senator Robert Byrd was one of the early test cases for the vaccine, who was a member of the KKK at a young age.  He was miraculously cured after receiving the vaccine.

Other unusual programs to combat the disease include the use of racism-sniffing dogs, created by injecting German Shepherds with a serum made from the Rev. Jesse Jackson's blood.  Dogs were provided to select news outlets to "aid in disease detection," according to sources.