UC-Berkley Now Offers Degree in Protesting

BERKLEY, CA -- Berkley has long been a leader in progressive thinking.  That lead has been strengthened by the addition of a new degree-granting program in Protesting.  Both a Bachelor of Arts and Masters of Arts degree will be available with potential Minors in Community Organizing and Pop Psychology.  The Hell Gazette recently sat down with UC-Berkley's Dean of the College of Letters and Science, Dr. Fred Weinz (pronounced "whines").

HG: What is the inspiration for this new degree?

Weinz: Well, we're trying to keep our school on the cutting edge.  We see protesting growing as a profession in the years to come.  If this country is to keep up with the rest of the world - especially Western Europe - we need to develop a class of professional demonstrators.  We have a few dedicated career protestors in this country like Revs. Sharpton and Jackson - but that just isn't enough if we are to keep up with the rest of the world.  This degree program helps toward that goal.

HG: Was it much work to create these new programs?

Weinz: Not really.  Most of the core classes are the same as the degrees we already offer for History, General Arts, and Multiculturism.  We've added a couple new protesting-specific classes, some practical and some theoretical.

HG: Could you give a couple examples?

Weinz: Well, there's PROT 103, Flag and Effigy Burning - a very practical, hands on class.  Then there's the HPA 200-level series - History of Performance Art.  HPA 201 covers Guy Fawkes to Benedict Arnold, and HPA 202 covers from that period to the Rosenbergs.  203 goes through the bevy of modern artists, like Ayers.  In addition, we have added some laboratory classes like PROT 241, Shouting Down Opposition.

HG: Who do you find inspiring in the world of protesting - who do you encourage your students to emulate?
Weinz: Well, I think a lot of interesting work is being done in the Middle East.  There were massive, violent demonstrations recently about trivial stuff like cartoons and movies.  That is impressive in its own right, but it is topped off by the fact that they were protesting things that were banned in those countries!  Here you have thousands of people demonstrating against things they would never even see - they were protesting the fact that these things just existed somewhere.  I think that is the next, great innovation in protesting.

The President's New Clothes

WASHINGTON, DC -- Barack Obama's tailor may not be working out.  When the President starting campaigning for the job in 2008, he got himself a new tailor, Main Stream Mending and Haberdashery (MSM), with shops in New York and Los Angeles.  Everyone said the work they did made him look magnificent.  People lined the streets and cheered him.  Massive crowds attended his speeches.  Commentator's legs tingled when he spoke.

However, now 10 months into the job, the clothes that everyone marveled about might be starting to look a little threadbare.  Some talk radio hosts are even suggesting that there was never really anything there to begin with.

The folks at MSM are unfazed - perhaps even defiant.  According to a spokesperson, "We don't care what people are saying.  Our job is to make him look good and that is what we intend to keep doing - no matter what."

Caretaker Worried About Tree of Liberty

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- In a small public park of a once-prosperous section of Philadelphia sits a single, special tree.  The Tree of Liberty has been looked after for over 200 years by an unbroken stream of volunteers, who call themselves caretakers.  The caretakers prefer to remain anonymous, but will gladly share their experiences and the history of the tree if asked.

The current caretaker, 85 and a World War II veteran, is still spry and his eyes glitter as he talks about the tree he has helped maintain for the last 68 years.  "It was planted by a small group in 1776 for everyone to enjoy.  It was a completely new species, although related to ones that used to grow in Greece and Italy centuries ago.  Over the years it grew into a magnificent sight and inspired people everywhere.  We have taken seeds from this tree and planted them in several other countries in Europe and the far east.  We'd like every country to have one, but that is a very big job and will take time."

When asked about whether he has any formal training in horticulture, he just laughs.  "No.  Us caretakers are just average citizens with the desire to give something back to a country we love.  We work from a few ancient manuals and documents that the original planters put together for us.  It isn't much, but it has always been enough to keep the tree healthy."

It isn't clear if that is enough, though, because the tree has been in steady decline since the 1930s, with this last year being especially bad.  "It has had its ups and downs, but the tree has never been this bad - ever.  I don't think it's because the instructions are wrong, I just think the community hasn't been following them like it should and the tree is starting to wither and die."  He adamantly opposes the idea of some form of government assistance to help.  "The instructions are very clear on that point: governments are not supposed to touch the tree."

In addition, he's worried about the current generation and who will care for it when he's gone.  "I went on vacation a couple years back and left it in the care of a young fellow who is attending law school nearby.  He seemed like a smart, trustworthy young man.  Well, he got concerned about how bad it looked and decided to do something about it."  The young man had read in the manuals that it required the "blood of patriots and tyrants" from time to time.  "When I returned from my vacation, I found the New England Patriots football team doing some sort of blood drive with media and politicians - it was a real circus.  They all meant well, just misguided.  And of course, it didn't help."

He feels that the young man may have had the right instructions, but didn't understand them.  "That phrase is probably the right prescription.  I think there are still some true patriots we could call on for blood donations, but the problem is finding tyrants.  Usually, tyrants are kings and dictators.  We don't have those here, but I'm hoping a Czar or two will be close enough."

New Cabinet Post: "Hollywood Advisor"

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Obama team has created a new cabinet-level post called The Hollywood Advisor.  The President made the announcement before a recent state dinner.  "We are finally tapping into our national resource of brainpower and insight that is Hollywood.  We look forward to hearing the viewpoints and wisdom of actors, talk show hosts, singers, dancers, and professional celebrities."

He went on to explain that the new position would represent not just Hollywood, but nearly everyone in the entertainment industry, except country music.  The White House hasn't made a final selection yet of who to nominate, and they are being very choosy.  A staffer who asked not to be identified stated "In order to get the experience we need, we're limiting our search to people who have played a head of state or high-ranking official, preferable the President."

The White House released the following justification to Congress for the new post:

Top Ten Reasons Why the White House Needs a Hollywood Cabinet Rep
10. Having one of the "beautiful people" around means never being upstaged by Sarah Palin again.
9. Finally, someone for the Secret Service to have limo races with...
8. White House needs someone that Al Franken can respect.
7. Let's see how Hollywood Squares handles security clearances.
6. The President wants someone around who can appreciate his Teleprompter stories.
5. A way to one-up Clinton's Lincoln Bedroom stays.
4. After not coming through on "Don't Ask / Don't Tell", this might get us invited to parties again.
3. If we play our cards right, the taxpayers might think they're watching "24" during the next terrorist attack.
2. Only trained actors can keep a straight face when we unveil the next round of bailouts.
1. Need a staff member that makes Biden look smart.

Barackster's Trillions

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Don't miss the new movie Barackster's Trillions, a sequel to the 1985 hit comedy Brewster's Millions.  Brewster's Millions was the tale of Montgomery Brewster, who will claim a huge inheritance if he can waste $30 Million in 30 days without telling anyone what he is doing.  Barack Obama is in a similar situation in Barackster's Trillions.

Except this time - he's the President of the United States!

The story follows President Barack's challenge: he needs to spend $2 Trillion before mid-term elections in 2010, but can't tell anyone why - or even where the money is actually going!  It'll take a lot of creativity and the cooperation of his friends in Congress to find ways to waste a tremendous amount of cash in a relatively short period of time.

He finds out that spending that much that quickly isn't as easy as it seems, but not before he learns a lot about himself and his country.  This fast paced comedy is sure to be enjoyed for generations to come.

Barackster's Trillions comes to theaters nation-wide during second quarter, Fiscal Year 2010

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"Reagonomics" Experiences Comeback as "Obamanomics"

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Call it a flashback or maybe a comeback.  Trickle Down Economics, also called "Reagonomics", is experiencing a revival in a new form.  The trickle down economic theory, which has been thoroughly discredited by leading economists, held that businesses create value and therefore, jobs.  The idea was that if you make it easy for businesses to operate - even encourage them, through low taxes and a minimum of regulation - they will go on creating value and the economy will grow.  The concept did not produce instant results, however, and sometimes poorly run businesses will fail.  Overall, the effects of a business-friendly atmosphere might take a couple years to produce results, but - proponents say - those results are real and sustainable.

Flash forward 20 years.  Professor Walter Wallaby, the George Soros Distinguished Chair of Economics at Columbia University, thinks Reagan may have been on to something after all, even if he didn't get the details right, in his dotage.  "The main thing Reagan got wrong was that businesses create value.  Our computer models show clearly that it is government that really creates value."  He continues "He had this crazy notion that businesses will make the most effective use of resources because the owners and workers have a vested interest in getting it right - they stand to be rewarded.  Times have shown, however, that only disinterested legislators and bureaucrats have the skill and education to properly decide how money should be used to the best effect."  In the revised trickle down theory, the government is the one that is sprinkling money down until it reaches the states and, finally, private citizens.

Prof. Wallaby is optimistic about the future.  "The current administration gets it.  Unfortunately for those of us who suffered through the late 80s and 90s - when Reagan's policies really started to have an impact on the economy - he was close but not quite there."

He ends the interview with a rueful smile.  "It is a bit ironic that Reagan spent his life fighting against a political system in the USSR that had it right the whole time."

Pirates End Attacks Saying "We Have Enough Money Now"

HARDAHEERE, SOMOLIA -- The leader of the International Brotherhood of Pirates today announced an end to all attacks, effective immediately.  Spack Jarrow, the leader of the organization, said through an interpreter this morning "Kidnappings, killings, pillaging - all ends today.  We've decided we have enough money now."

At a press conference from the pirate lair, a large rock resembling a skull, he provided details of the group's rise from abject poverty to international notoriety as they captured ship after ship for the last 15 years and ransomed the crews.  "We were always thinking about the future - we'd invest some of the ransom money back into the business in the form of more weapons, ammunition, and equipment.  But most of it has been invested in a variety of stocks and mutual funds."

"The plan all along has been to amass enough money to invest and live comfortably off the interest.  We've reached that point now and will release all the remaining prisoners." he said, referring to the more than 400 people still held.  "The global economic downturn has affected us - as it has a lot of people - causing us to continue our lawless behavior a little longer than we planned."

When asked about what they plan to do now, Mr. Jarrow was introspective.  "Well, many of us want to give back to the Somolian society that has done so much for us.  Several of the guys have expressed an interest in volunteering locally.  As for myself, I have applied to a dental school in South Africa.  I look forward to replacing the 'Captain' at the front of my name with 'DDS' at the end."

Gorebot to Engage US Enemies

BEDFORD, MA -- The US Army now has a new ally in the war against terror: the Gorebot.  iRobot, maker of the house-cleaning Roomba as well as a popular military robot called the Packbot, presented a new robot today designed to win the "hearts and minds" of America's enemies.  This new device is designed to instill in enemies and the general populace a belief in American values such as the rule of law and tolerance for people with differing beliefs.

The chief designer of the product is Dr. Michael Ignapipple, now iRobot's Vice President of Military Sales.  "Operation is pretty simple", say Dr. Ignapipple, "You give it a message and point it in a direction.  It will keep repeating that message by any means available and will not stop.  The message can be anything - the Gorebot doesn't care."

The US Army has agreed to purchase about 1,300 of the machines for use in Afghanistan and Iraq, based on the performance of an advanced prototype that has been in operation for the last few years.  "The performance of the prototype has been beyond anything we could have imagined" said a procurement officer who declined to be named.  "In the face of overwhelming odds, that thing has fulfilled its mission in a variety of environments and conditions.  It was given a ridiculous message to deliver - but it never hesitated, it never stopped, and people actually started to believe it!"

While developers admit that until some software bugs were fixed, the original prototype wasn't very lifelike, this second generation is indistinguishable from regular humans.

The plan is to program them with a few basic American principles - the Gorebot isn't sophisticated enough to do much thinking on its own yet, but developers say that is planned for the next generation - and release them into populated urban environments where the US Army currently has combat operations.  These robots will disperse among the public and deliver their message by a variety of means, including mass media.

The CIA would not confirm that it is looking into a similar plan for American coastal cities and European capitals.

A More Inclusive NBA

CONCORD, NH -- "I'm fed up and I'm going to do something about it."  With these words two years ago, Paul Scribflam of Concord, New Hampshire, decided he would attempt something many told him at the time was crazy: get the NBA to embrace Affirmative Action.

Mr. Scribflam, a computer consultant, went about his quest in classic American style: he sued the NBA to be more inclusive of white people.  "More than 70% of NBA players are African-Americans, and yet, about half of this country is white.  Something just wasn't right about that.  If you look at short, fat white guys in the NBA vs. their demographic within society at large, the inequality become even more obvious."

His lawyer, Ernest Blech III, went through some of the arguments that have been used in court.  "For years, General Motors has been quietly using race and gender as very important factors in career advancement and promotions.  While some may claim that basing decisions on superficial things like skin color is bad for business, just look at the results.  The NBA needs to do this to stay relevant."

Mr. Scribflam is dismissive of detractors.  "Some of the opponents of this lawsuit seem to think that diversity is what happens naturally when you choose the best person for the job, but the courts say otherwise.  Diversity itself is a strength.  How you look is directly related to who you are, your skills, and your perspective.  By simply having people that are all different shades of color, different shapes, different sizes - a team is stronger and more effective.  Just ask anyone."

While the case slowly makes its way through the court system, other groups have taken notice and are considering similar cases.  In what some in Hollywood consider an ominous sign, the Gentile Actors Guild said in a statement "We are very interested in the outcome of this lawsuit."

Readers Write: The Promise of America

Dear Hell Gazette,

I didn't want to write this letter, but as I've talked to associates from my former life I've come to the conclusion that I'm not alone.  If my honest confession can help other people to change, I will have done some good.

Let me start at the beginning: I was a capitalist.

It started when I was a kid.  My father owned a small hardware store and I was always taught that he was doing right by employing three people and providing goods and services for people at reasonable prices.  I was told that his energy and effort was creating value for everyone - not just himself - by providing things people wanted at prices they agreed to pay.  If someone didn't like what he offered, or his prices, or him - they could just walk out.  Time and time again, he said that this is the danger with governments - you couldn't just "walk out" if you didn't like what they were offering.  He didn't want his neighbors to pay his bills and he didn't want to be forced to pay for anyone else.  He always told me that this country was started with that belief.  I was young and impressionable and believed all he said.

I put myself through college by working at the cafeteria and taking out loans to pay the rest.  When my friends were out on Fridays and Saturdays while I studied, I told myself that it would pay off eventually.  Little did I know I was falling prey to the poverty of ambition.  Eventually I graduated and landed a decent job.  I worked overtime to pay off all my student loans within two years.

One day, the scales fell from my eyes and for the first time I saw clearly.  I was walking out of Starbucks and saw a homeless man - obviously oppressed - with a sign that said "Gimme money you rich jerck" and I suddenly realized - his plight was actually my fault.  If my father had paid a living wage, perhaps this poor man's mother could have sent him to college, or at least taught him the basics of personal hygiene.  If I hadn't attended private school, perhaps his school would have had the resources to teach him to properly spell "jerk".  If I handed him all the money in my wallet, perhaps he could finally use his fully functional arms and legs for something other than an easel on which to prop up a crude cardboard sign.  I did just that (the wallet part).

Everything changed from that day forward.  I quit my job on Wall Street that day and immediately entered law school.  Once I have my degree I plan to volunteer my time at either the ACLU or Southern Poverty Law Center and help the downtrodden get the life they deserve.  You see, the promise of America is to make sure that no one has to go without the things they need: food, medical care, transportation, and quality entertainment.  Those selfish people who think we deserve only what we earn in this world and that, by taking care of ourselves we are taking care of our neighbors, live in an older, un-enlightened age.  I truly feel sorry for them and wish them the best.

I'll probably be seeing them soon in court.

Sincerely,
Ashton McFlurfy (New Haven, Connecticut)

"Clunker" Programs Expanded

WASHINGTON, DC -- The White House today announced a continuation of the popular "if it ain't broke, fix it" programs.  A White House spokesperson was quoted as saying "We started with ARRA, then Cash for Clunkers, and now the Appliance Replacement Program.  Due to the effectiveness of these programs to take a functioning product and replace it with something brand new using free Government money, we've decided to keep the pressure on the US economy by taking it to the next level."

That "next level" is the Building Replacement Program, which will tear down buildings currently in use and replace them with a new copy.  The goal is to "continue getting people back to work", and the Obama administration is sure this might be the last stimulus needed.

In a briefing at the White House Rose Garden, staffers proudly displayed the results of a pilot program that has been going on since January, where the James Carter Federal Building was demolished, then rebuilt from the ground up, employing dozens of construction workers and craftsman.

One excited staffer said "The 320 people who work in this building are now surrounded by brand new walls, windows, fixtures, and furniture.  It only spent about $130 Million, so we obviously need to expand the program.  If that doesn't help the economy, we don't know what will!"  The expanded program will spend about $160 billion over three years, and impact an undisclosed number of buildings.

New Release: Jihad Warrior

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You are a member of a ragtag band of fighters who don't follow the Geneva Conventions for treatment of prisoners.
You don't wear a uniform and hide among civilians.

You are a cowardly zealot.

You are... Jihad Warrior

Red Burqa Games is pleased to announce their newest real time strategy game Jihad Warrior.  Your aim is to enslave the human race using any means possible.

• Recruit suicide bombers from the hopeless and mentally ill
• Build support in villages through murder and torture of civilians
• Establish a fifth column in well-meaning but ignorant democracies
• Try for the ultimate goal of Chemical, Nuclear or Biological weapons

Jihad Warrior: are you up to the challenge?
...72 virgins are waiting for your reply.

Scheduled for release during Ramadan, 2010.

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Buzkashi Made Olympic Sport

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND -- President Obama has something to show for going to Copenhagen after all.  Details of a meeting between the current US President and the International Olympic Committee reveal a backroom deal made between the two parties that opened the door to have the Afghan sport of Buzkashi made an Olympic sport.

Obama's original purpose in flying to Copenhagen, Denmark, was to have Chicago chosen as the 2016 Olympic location, a distinction which instead went to Rio de Janeiro. While he was unsuccessful in that mission he did not go away empty-handed. Knowing that Afghan elders have for years tried to make their national pastime of Buzkashi an Olympic sport, he negotiated a deal where it is to be included in the 2012 summer Olympics in London. Obama's success in achieving this is expected to lend great strength and prestige to the fledging Afghan government and their American allies.

Little is known in the west about the fascinating sport of Buzkashi. It is played by two teams of horseman. Each team tries to grab a decapitated animal carcass and throw it across a goal line, while the other team tries to prevent it. The sport is enjoyed in several middle eastern and far eastern countries, although there are regional variations in the rules.

One of the first tasks of the IOC is to decide which animal carcass is to be used (goat and calf are both popular) and whether the other limbs will be kept intact during play or also removed. The animal rights organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is expected to protest any decision.  Some forms of the sport are more physical and allow players to strike or whip one another during play, another area the Committee must examine.  PETA is not expected to protest this decision.

Another concern of the committee is how many countries will be able to field a team.  So far only Afghanistan and Jamaica have signed on, with several other countries expressing interest.

WH Announces “Policy Test Drive” Powers

WASHINGTON, DC-- The White House exercised its recently revealed power of media control by announcing a new and unprecedented executive ability: the right to retract policies and official statements within 5 days of release.  The White House Communications Director, who likened it to the "5 second rule", said it would reduce backlash and controversy over policies and statements and generally "...improve moral in this country".

The mechanisms of enforcement aren't clear, but it is apparent the White House now reserves the right to not only retract the offensive statements, but news organizations are required to expunge all records of them and individual citizens are encouraged to act as if they never happened.

It is expected that Vice President Joseph Biden's staff will make the most use of this new executive power, and has already invoked it 7 times since the announcement was made this morning.

Most media outlets indicated it would have little impact on their coverage of the current administration.

Obama / Lincoln Similarities Vindicated

HONOLULU, HI -- Early supporters of President Obama who likened him to former President Abraham Lincoln were redeemed today when historians produced documents showing similarities to Obama's recent war-time actions.

Abraham Lincoln, long considered one of the nation's most able presidents, had until now been characterized as a decisive leader regarding the tough decisions he was required to make during the American Civil War. Documents recently discovered in Hawaii, however, cast doubt on this assertion and show the commander in chief acting in ways very similar to President Obama.

The first set of documents shows Lincoln being more cautious than previously thought when his generals requested more troops in 1863, prior to the Battle of Gettysburg.  Instead of quickly providing the troops his generals required to reverse the momentum in a losing war, Lincoln instead took months to decide the issue saying, "I don't want to rush this grave decision."  He eventually instituted an unpopular draft to secure the troop levels his field commanders felt were necessary, but not before months of deliberations with his cabinet, lobbyists, and the media.

Other similarities to President Obama were revealed in his behavior towards enemy combatants and military tribunals. Rather than keeping tens of thousands of suspected Confederate sympathizers imprisoned without trial during the war, as originally thought, he graciously released nearly all of them while the war was still being fought.  Five of the most dangerous suspected Confederate agents were put on trial in the civil court system, where they were eventually released due to legal technicalities.